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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 17:06

He really is very pathetic. How can you have any respect for him at all after this? I personally could not bear to be with someone I did not respect (nor who didn't respect me, as he obviously doesn't). Sorry, I know its more complicated than this as you have been together for so long and have DC's etc, but fundamentally can you honestly respect/trust him again?

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 17:10

A prostitute is still lying, disrespectful and like someone else said possibly using the family money. Its not cheap!! Oh I am mad for you, get out while you can (for a weekend/week). You really do need head space, and I bet you end that week feeling so much better/stronger- you don't need to put up with this. Make sure he knows it.

I think that in his desperation to keep hold of you, the lies will continue to spew, so how you will get the full truth is a tricky one and I have no advice here, having never been in a similar situation. Maybe others can help x

Darkesteyes · 21/05/2013 17:11

Spidermama i really cant believe what some people are willing to put up with. So you would be ok with the idea of a man seeing a woman as nothing but a receptacle to be bought.
Each to their own i guess but i couldnt be with a man like that.

CheeseStrawWars · 21/05/2013 17:16

He's lying, but you know that. If you feel you need more concrete evidence, have you rung the city hotel to check if he was ever actually booked in there? Assuming he would book in his own name. Or have you rung the conference centre to check if he was booked in there? If he's not booked in the latter then you know he wasn't intending to sleep there. If he is booked in, double check the date of the booking. If it was booked after you found out about the email...

But you don't need any more evidence than you've got, really. He's a proven liar. He emailed another woman to ask about sex. Whether bodily fluids were exchanged after that point or not, the line was crossed.

Am also wondering whether there is a cancellation fee payable if he had booked and confirmed the prostitute and then cancelled after you found out...?

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 17:16

'better than an affair surely' I dont understand this logic personally. Even if it is better than an affair, its not exactly good is it?!!! And you do hear some men who actually use the same hooker time and time again.. even if that didnt develop into a full blown affair, theres still an element of an emotional affair there. OP will never know whether that were to happen. It is possible that it would, if he has an addictive personality and has a problem with porn. Then it becomes more than 'just sex' (it more than just sex anyway imvho) If I were to stay, there would be so many groundrules to it; I would be demanding full control of all finances for example, a strict alcohol ban, possibly passwords to his emails etc etc

Spidermama · 21/05/2013 17:17

I know what you mean darkesteyes and I'm not sure I could respect someone who did this.
However these women are well paid, go into it with their eyes open, and many would count themselves to be in control.
I just think if he's that desperate to have sex with someone else, it's less complicated than having an actual affair perhaps.

schobe · 21/05/2013 17:18

It's amazing how many guys apparently book prostitutes just to get turned on.

But of course they fully intend to cancel Hmm

What a genius he is, I wonder how long it took him to come up with that cover story.

No wonder he is back tracking on all the other shit as he is just about to get away with a big one.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/05/2013 17:20

I am sorry for what your H is putting you through. Here's a fantasy you could conjure up. The man you once knew, the really nice guy you married comes back again.

We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

I'm assuming if it was all 'just pretending' he didn't expand that fantasy to include the drama of being found out? If he did he might have envisaged hysterical bonding as it's termed whereby you spend hours making love and try so very hard to be everything he's been dreaming of. NB presumably the effort all has to come from you of course as he evidently hasn't noticed/doesn't care about your unhappiness.

I would worry that the leap from imagining a raunchy scenario to ultimately fulfilling it might not be very difficult to accomplish, especially when a partner is trusting and far from home and trying to see her H through depression. If he was so disenchanted with what home life has to offer that he needs that extra buzz, how can he reassure you that he won't do this again or go further? It's a pretty dangerous game to play.

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2013 17:22

Well let's all queue up to be married to men desperate to have sex with someone else.

Bloody hell. A prostitute is much much much worse than an affair.

lollydollydrop · 21/05/2013 17:22

But then I just wouldnt be able to shake the deceit and betrayal, even if you do manage to get the trust back, what's to say that once you stop 'spying' on him/taking control of the finances etc, he wont just use that first bit of freedom to thrill seek again? I think it comes down to your personality and threshold of what you will be willing to put up with/be able to forgive. I know for me it would ruin the relationship, things would never be the same again. It would be tainted and I would be just too sad every day knowing that, so I would have to let him go and then start over again. But thats me and not you, it a horrible position for you to be in I'm so sorry. I think you need both time and space to consider all your options and make decisions. Only you know how genuinne he is being in his admissions now of needing to get help etc. Would you both get relationship counselling? It sounds like he needs professional help for a sex addiction at the very least.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 17:24

If he's been with a prostitute then I'm out. Can't be bothered with that at all. I am just not sure if he has or hasn't. I think I will take the kids away for a few days and let him stew. I might even come to some kind of conclusion hopefully. He asked to come with us but I said no.
I know you all say LTB but this is a man I have trusted for 18 years and who up to know hasn't given me a reason not to. Its a big deal to turn my back on that.

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 21/05/2013 17:27

I'm sorry that your resolve of last night has been so weakened by his obvious slimy lies.
I think you need to get some space for yourself and the DCs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/05/2013 17:27

I am not saying LTB, I am sad that you are trying to keep the wagon wheels from falling off while he is steering into every pothole he can find.

18 years and how many of the last few have been golden?

Chubfuddler · 21/05/2013 17:31

Sunk cost fallacy op. look it up. You've been hurting for years. Those years are gone whatever happens in the future.

CheeseStrawWars · 21/05/2013 17:32

"... a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me)"

"...I knew he used porn but he says I didn't know how much"

Two reasons not to trust him. Seems he's used to hiding things from you.

wellhellobeautiful · 21/05/2013 17:34

Go and get some headspace and let it all sink in without him spoon feeding you lie after lie in an attempt to derail you.

To us all it is so obvious that he is full of shit.

Hopefully it will be to you too once you're able to get away from him for a bit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/05/2013 17:36

I was going to say, invent some crisis back home, (it is actually on your own doorstep but stretch the truth), get a trusted person to place a call to you, H's work may give help to go home on compassionate grounds.
But perhaps better to keep it simple, just get space from him.
Best wishes.

beachyhead · 21/05/2013 17:47

I would take a long hard look at your joint finances to see if you can see any large amount of cash being removed from your accounts. You need comfort that this 'expenditure' has never happened before.

I presume he is not going on the business trip anymore!

Back2Two · 21/05/2013 18:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/05/2013 19:11

"It's just a fantasy" only really ever worked for Billy Joel. Hmm

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 21:32

Me and the kids are going away for the weekend. To clear my head and escape his talk. It basically comes down to whether I believe him or not. Having his parents here has made working through it hard. I'm just trying to bottle it all up as I don't want to talk to them about it. Im hoping that he'll get a shock when I leave for the weekend with the kids and perhaps give me the truth. It's the date in the letter that makes me think he's lying. I want the truth though.

OP posts:
Approachingdarkness · 21/05/2013 21:38

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Chubfuddler · 21/05/2013 21:41

I have the worlds smallest violin here on which I play a little tune for anyone, male or female, who thinks paying for sex or having an affair is a valid or justified response to being in any way dissatisfied with their marriage.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 21/05/2013 21:45

The 'it was a fantasy' thing is, as many pp have said, just a line. A fantasy is something you cook up in your head - the point of it is that you don't need anything else. If you did, Megan Fox's email account would be permanently overloaded with men asking her if she'd consider a steamy night out. Your husband could have concocted a fantasy about sleeping with a prostitute without the bother of typing out an email - that is the marker that his plan was to actually do it.

Branleuse · 21/05/2013 21:58

I dont have any advice, as ive no idea what id do.
I just want to send a virtual hug, and some hand holding.
Your head must be all over the place.xxxx