DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

[nogoingback999]

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

Oh, so now the truth comes out, which is that he didn't go ahead with it as they didn't reply! Is that the only reason?

His original email doesn't sound like a fantasy booking, or full of sex talk, it's a polite enquiry as to if anyone is free for sex on X night of the week.

I think getting hung up on whether he would have actually gone through with it is to miss the point- which is that emailing hookers for meet-ups is a huge betrayal of you and hints at even worse revelations to come. Was this the first time his fantasy urge took hold of him? I very much doubt it- what a coincidence you saw that one-time email and none of the deleted others.

Sorry nogoingback, I don't know how you make sense of this, I hope you are getting some food/sleep in amongst all this anxiety, but I also think your anxiety is coming from knowing what he's done is terribly wrong, but him trying to make out it's not that bad to email sex workers for a next week appointment.

You know what? I could have predicted this response last night, but I thought he'd choose a different one. "It was a fantasy, I wasn't going to really do it" seems to be the default answer for men who are found out through their search history. It seems your husband just can't be bothered to think up a better excuse.

He booked a prostitute. He chose a time and date, and a porn star, and he matched it to her schedule so that she'd be passing through. He hid it from you, and acted like a wanker, and then when he realised you knew something was up, he sent you an email full of slosh that he knew you'd want to hear. He wasn't bothered before he realised something was up.

He needs to be honest with you if you are to have any chance of fixing this; if that's your intention. And that means admitting that he booked her, that he had every intention of using her, and that he has done it before.

CajaSLM, you make an awful lot of sense unfortunately.

I feel like we could get passed this (maybe) if I knew the truth. How do I get it?

OK, so if he arranged this never intending for it to happen, why didn't he arrange it on a night where he would be at home? Why bother to arrange it for a time when he just happens to be staying at a hotel?

He is a liar nogoingback999 anad not a very good one.
His story has so many holes in it--it's as leaky as a sieve.
Go away with the DC's for the weekend without him, let him stew but l feel you are never going to get the truth from him.
As has been said previously the date, time and schedule of meeting with the porn star is more than just fantasy.

According to my doctor antidepressants reduce sex drive . The only question is do you love him? Only you know how you feel .
I couldn't stay with my dh . Booking a prostitute is the same as doing it. What do you want ? This is your life .

The intent is worse in my opinion - lets not forget intent is the difference between manslaughter and murder. A shag could I suppose, sort of just happen. Premeditated supposes research, contemplation, weighing up the risks etc

Are you military, op? Even if not, I guarantee you can be back in the UK super-fast using the company route. He (and indeed you) may also be a blue to access some decent counselling services if you pay into a health benefits fund (or are indeed military).

I'm not understanding, if you are based in Europe and have somewhere to go in the UK, why you have not just put yourself in the car with the children and started for home for some respite. You can go back to h ultimately, once you get your head straight, if you want to.

Unfortunately, I know a lot of wives and families that have returned to the UK without their partners for one reason or another.

And a know a heck of a lot of brothels in rural areas. and a heck of a lot of married men that behave completely differently the minute they are away on business. Being the only woman on a work trip is something of an eye opener.

I think going away is a good idea. You need some time, to sort out where your head is at, to think about practicalities, and how you are going to deal with all of this on a day to day basis while decisions are being made.

I would also heartily recommend seeing a solicitor, find out where you stand, whether or not you act on it.

OP, you said that you were going to email the site yourself to see if you get a reply.

If you are able to access his email account so that it looks like the email is coming from him, can you pretend that you are trying to confirm the booking for tomorrow night and see if you get a response?

If they did reply (and he's lying) they will confirm it or say that they're confused because he'd recently cancelled the booking (following you finding out).

Alternatively if he was telling the truth and they haven't replied to him, they may write and say that they were unable to 'meet his requirement on this occasion'.

Just a suggestion...

My first thought was through bitter experience with the soontobeex, was that prices have gone up. Are you sure the amount he was to pay, doesn't include her travelling expenses to where he is? The hotel room is already paid for, so I would suggest the extra £100/200 is to get her there.

Wish I didn't know how much a hooker was...

I'm not from the uk, he is. I'm from further afield.
He's still protesting innocence. I don't know what I think anymore. Of course i want to believe him but I can't swallow his story. I told him the sticking point is the date he mentioned in the email. He admitted he picked it as she is in the uk at that time and it made the fantasy more realistic but he insists it was never going to happen in real life.

You maybe shouldn't listen to me, but this is what I would do.

I would very nicely bring it up at dinner. Maybe give everyone a copy of the email (board room style) and ask for an explanation because he is not just cheating on you, but the institution of family.

My mother did something like thisbelieve it or not, dad actually calmed down and figured things outlike not taking her or us for granted anymore...but then again we're an indian family and his family were very involved in our family life from the very start.

The idea that " it coud never have come true, as it s all taking place in the countryside" is unintentionally a hilarious argument.

As someone who lives in the countryside, it is nt more wholesome n terms of human behaviour than a city.

In the country you can find drugs and prostitution, it is just in a more picturesque setting.

I mean, really, of all the straws to clutch....

Sorry, not to trivialise your situation OP but what Mumsy said needs to be reiterated:

"Every single man on this board, when confronted with bookings/searches for hookers says it was just a fantasy- don't these poor hookers get any work then if all that happens is punters look them up, book stuff, chat to them, but then mysteriously never go through with it."

That is so true!!! Sorry, OP. He is lying or minimising, at best.

Really sorry .

Clearly subconsciously you want to believe him...

Just picture all the posters here, plus the lurkers saying: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, she isn't going to fall for that?! Surely?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I would air it all in front of Pil the lot you never they may yet surprise you and offer support
He sounds like a complete addict to me drink porn prostitutes
I heard the testimony of a lady who's husband was like this she left him but needed counselling etc to get through it

Don't write yourself off i bet you are stronger then you think do what's right for you and the children n def take some legal advice x

Trouble is, how do you prove it either way? Near enough impossible. And of course he has made sure he has deleted all evidence of his other meetings (or if he hadnt he certainly has now) so even if you trawled through his emails you would likely not find the evidence. I would think that if it is a regular thing/reality then someone else must know- his best friend maybe? Are you thinking of confiding in anyone in RL? I wouldn't be surprised if your friend of her DH knew something was amiss also.

Once the trust has gone...

You are a better woman than me, I dont think I would even consider for a second staying with the bastard. The kids are the only thing to think about with regards to implications of leaving imo. But they sound almost grown up, 17 and how old? You could start your life over and be with a man who deserves you and whom you trust. What a thing to do to your wife and mother of your children. I would not be able to look at him the same/feel the same about him ever again. I second the advice to get tested. I also dont think he realises the damage he has caused. This is absolutely disgraceful and I would think I would need someone to physically restrain me for the damage I could do to him!! I have been following your post with shock and disbelief since the OP, but now I am absolutely fuming on your behalf. What a thing to go through, so sorry. I hope you see sense and get the worm out of your life.

'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'

I thought the point of fantasies was that they weren't realistic?

He's lying op. so sorry.

Unfortunately, you will never get the truth.
He will never tell you everything - NEVER!

And what Chandon said - we are thinking the exact same thing!

Take care of yourself and give yourself some space. Get away with the kids for a couple of days and clear your head.

Only then will you be able to move on and do what is right. With him there talking to you all the time you can't possibly do what's right for you.

I have been lurking but came on just to say that what Chandon said. I am so angry at him and so many of us woman who fall for the most silly excuses just because we so badly want to believe our DH's

Oh OP sorry you're going through this.

Didn't someone already predict that that would be his response back on page two or something?

Honestly OP, if you read some of the other prostitute threads on here you'll know that this response from your H is absolutely classic. It's like a formula.

"I only did it as a fantasy" because i get really turned on by making formal enquiries over email

"I've got depression/alcoholism/porn addiction/i'm stressed at work/you're a bitch." because i can't take responsibility for my actions

Then he'll make some half-arsed attempt at counselling for a couple of months before trying to sweep it all under the carpet as quickly as possible. And we'll see you back on here same time next year with a new thread.

Honestly? Just kick him out and save yourself a load of bullshit and heartache.

Also, even if you buy the 'fantasy' excuse, that still means he was looking to have 'more exciting' webcam sex with a prostitute. Which would still be a deal breaker in my book.

So it's really no excuse at all. The pathetic wanker.

nogoingback999 It really depends if you still want to be with him.
If it were me I'd be able to get over the prostitute thing, and most things really just as long as I felt I full knew the truth. That's what you're still lacking and how can you make any informed decisions when you don't know the actual truth.

I would tell him his chances of getting to stay with you are non existent without a full disclosure of the truth and a commitment to honesty in the future.

At least with a prostitute it means he doesn't intend to get emotionally involved with someone, so better than an affair surely.