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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 20/05/2013 21:47

really sorry to hear this OP, just wanted to say that agree with others who say you should ask both him and PIL to leave as soon as poss to give you some space.

IME the family almost always take the side of their own and aren't much help, even if you've been together for years this sort of thing really shows you who is on your side. agree with others, you don't owe him or his parents anything. if you could keep your powder dry that would be fab but in circumstances, can totally understand if you don't!

can you trust the person married to his best friend? I think esp with being overseas you need someone IRL too.

themidwife · 20/05/2013 21:48

Why can't you just talk to him? There's no point withholding what you've seen! Confront him!

Selba · 20/05/2013 21:56

Talk to him. Tell him what you know .
DO NOT TALK TO ANY OF YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THIS.

themidwife · 20/05/2013 22:00

Yes agree with Selba. This is NOT something to talk to your children about!! Talk to him!! You do not yet know the full story!! It's not looking good that's for sure but you need to face him!!

Mixxy · 20/05/2013 22:01

He is talking to his parents because he believes you will not confront him while they are here. If it was me, I wouldn't include the ILs. Just adds to the emotional circus. And keep the kids out of it. He may be a horrible husband, but don't sabotage his relationship with his kids. They'll find out soon enough how selfish he is.

I don't envy you Sad.

Maybe tell him not to bother coming home and that he should book into a hotel and that he should probably not hire another hooker to entertain him while there as you plan on cleaning him out.

If you DO want to include the ILs (because he might make up all sorts of crap about you), just ask them to look after the kids while you pop down the doctors office to get yourself tested for STDs because you just found your husband has been paying escort services to amuse himself.

Darkesteyes · 20/05/2013 22:30

Sorry to hear about this OP. But i have to say whether a man is single or married when deciding to pay a prostitute for sex, it still shows hes ok with the idea of buying a woman.

thistlelicker · 20/05/2013 22:51

What did u decide to do op?

kayfish · 20/05/2013 22:58

I am so sorry you're going through this OP.

One massive thing I want you to bear in mind:

  • KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. You have the power right now. In all his fiddling, underhand, secretive movements over the last few months/years (?) right now, you know something that he doesn't know you know. Seize on it, play with it, don't reveal it. He will admit much more. Perhaps the full extent of what he is feeling/thinking if you tell him you 'know' but not exactly what you know.

Nothing is more terrifying and begs to be filled more than a void.

ProphetOfDoom · 20/05/2013 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi · 21/05/2013 01:04

I think you should involve his parents. I would follow teachers advice exactly... Even if they still back him up, they should see the evidence. Were you able to forward those emails to yourself so that you can print them out? If not,I'd not be saying anything until I could do that.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/05/2013 01:20

Oh lord you poor thing, hope you taking care of yourself. I totally agree that hearing him deny, minimize and blame would be very hurtful and distressing. Trouble is that's the normal script when discovered, I am trying to think of ways for you to not engage with this... Maybe tell him up front that if he does deny what you know is the truth, or turn it around on you, you will disengage immediately with the discussion... And be able to follow that through by having somewhere to withdraw to (bedroom w lock, or friends house, though better to make him leave rather than you)

Whatever you decide, good luck OP

lunar1 · 21/05/2013 07:14

Hope you are ok op.

PeppermintPasty · 21/05/2013 11:59

How are things today op? Sending you strength x

forgetmenots · 21/05/2013 12:33

Hope things are clearer today OP, thinking of you

Chandon · 21/05/2013 12:43

I would involved the ILs,

I would tell them exactly why I am upset.

If they woudl then choose to side with their DS, I would know enough and ask them to leave.

Theymight be sympathetic though.

I really woudl tell them and if hey thought I was lying show them the mail.

Otherwise you are the "baddie" or turned into the"unreasonable one" by others who dont know the facts!

LadyInDisguise · 21/05/2013 12:52

It is ESSENTIAL that you look at the legal side of things NOW.
Yes there is the issue of the contract but I would be surprised that you (who aren't employed by the company) can be made to stay there for weeks on end until your stbhex sort things out.

However, you are in a difficult situation. 2 different citizenship and living in a third country. Where you will ask for divorce, when etc... will have an impact on what you can do ie will you be able to go back to your home country with the dcs. You really need to talk to a lawyer about that ASAP so you can minimize the risk of being stuck there for at least one more year, if not forever. I am not sure for example what would be the situation if you get divorced there and he them move on to another country at the end of his contract. For all you know, you might be asked to still stay there because it's the main country of residence of the dcs (assuming he is getting difficult about it).

re the company, it really depends on what sort of company it is. Having worked for a big american corporation, they would take that behaviour very badly and would support YOU re repatriation etc... Some might only see that it's a personal problem and will let you getting on with it.
but I would struggle to see how they could stop you from leaving if you wish to do so.

fromparistoberlin · 21/05/2013 13:09

OP, good luck

I dont know about his parents, they can side with the abuser. be wary

This sounds like its the nail in the coffin. PLEASE get legal advise asap

LAWYERS--ALIMONY-PLANNING

you will be happy again

and echo, are you scared of him?

read Lundy Bancroft too, he helpd solidify and make you feed brave

xxxxxx

PearlyWhites · 21/05/2013 13:20

Has he been unfaithful before? If not I would give him another chance if when you confront him he is honest and genuinely sorry and willing to have marriage counselling.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:25

Well I confronted him last night and he claims it was just part of a fantasy/wank thing. Charming. He showed me the hotel he is booked into while he is away and its a rural conference place. He's adamant that it was nothing but fantasy. I don't know what to think. I havent really spoken to him today. I made him take the day off work and look after his parents. Was shocked that he was planning to go to work to be honest. But he came home and has taken them out for the day. I just found an email from him written this morning saying that he has accepted that the way he has been drinking and using porn has created real problems for him and us as a family. He says he wants to focus be a more active participant in life generally, and in his family, and that he is facing what he knew deep-down was a real problem for a long time.

I emailed back that I think I need space and that I might take the kids away for the weekend to think about things. I dont know what to think. Its plausible that it was just fantasy. I see all the money come in and out of our account and he is in a rural hotel not the city. But I'm also wary of being played as a fool. My gut tells me he is telling the truth.

I guess I'm still processing it all. Do I go away on my own or take him with us and try and talk it through some more.

OP posts:
Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:29

He hasn't cheated before (that I know of). In fact he was a great guy and a model husband/father for many many years and its only been in the last few (with the advent of his depression and subsequent drinking problem) that he has behaved like a dick.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 13:32

I don't get this fantasy thing, he booked a hooker, was he going to cancel?!

Every single man on this board, when confronted with bookings/searches for hookers says it was just a fantasy- don't these poor hookers get any work then if all that happens is punters look them up, book stuff, chat to them, but then mysteriously never go through with it.

It doesn't make sense to me, why would you book a fantasy hooker?

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, and perhaps he's now all upset (now he thinks his world is crumbling in) but it just sounds very odd, and not very plausible in this particular situation- browsing porn sites/hookers sites, just about believable, asking for one on a specific night you are staying in a hotel away from home- it's a booking!

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 13:33

But of course it is up to you if you want to go down the path of helping him back to being that better dad and husband. I would want to know what happened if you didn't confront him, though, and I don't think 'it was just a fantasy' will really cover it.

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 13:39

So he gets turned on by booking things he has no intention of paying for?

Weird fantasy Hmm

I think you know he is lying.

Thisisaeuphemism · 21/05/2013 13:40

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

I don't believe him - and actually, if it were true, he did it for a wank, I would think 'what a fucking freak you are'.

Has he let you see all his emails over say the last year or so? Have you checked bank accounts etc.

I would go away with the kids and not him. I would suggest that I wasn't coming back.

I'm really sorry he put you in this position.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 21/05/2013 13:40

I get what you are saying Mumsy :(

He said it was like it would in some way make the video more exciting. But that it was all just fantasy and was not ?what he wants?. He says he knows he did something really stupid, but swears it was pure fantasy and a situation that could not possibly come true.

The only concrete thing that supports what he is saying is that on the night he booked it for he is in a rural conference centre far from the city.

Or am I just having the wool pulled over my eyes???

OP posts: