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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
Norem · 20/05/2013 21:20

Hang on op fleeing the country you live in could cause you and your children extra stress.
How old re your kids? If your marriage does break up they may still want to see their dad.
Kids do better after divorce if little else changes at least in the short term.
Don't make any big decisions while you are still in shock, give yourself time and rm yourself with as much legal info as possible.
Good luck you will get through this.

Salbertina · 20/05/2013 21:21

Well i think its only fair all round that PIL leave also. Doubt they'd want to stay anyway. His problem, his parents, he to sort!

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:21

you know what I am dreading the most. His pathetic excuses and then the eventual turning around of it into something thats my fault...

OP posts:
Fuckwittery · 20/05/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:22

thank you all so much. I needed to talk to someone about this so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:23

home is covered by the Hague convention

OP posts:
Salbertina · 20/05/2013 21:23

Yep, sadly thats quite likely Hmm. Attack best means of defence and all. Just refuse to listen to him. Turn away, lock him out.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:23

Fuckwittery... I think I will. I don't think I can cover it up.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/05/2013 21:24

Really? Well doesn't he sound nice. Obviously you know perfectly well there is nothing you could have done, nothing at all that justifies his behaviour.

I think you need to be straight with him (this will take balls of steel). Tell him you know. You do not want up listen up his special pleading. You want the ILs gone and him too. You want radio silence until you contact him which will be when you are ready. If he won't play ball he can expect a divorce petition in the next post.

What a cunt.

Fuckwittery · 20/05/2013 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:26

they have gone to bed. I'd like him and them to leave tomorrow. I just want to be with my kids. My eldest is 17. Do I tell her?

OP posts:
LadyMaiBlossom · 20/05/2013 21:27

I think you should tell him you know in front of his parents and calmly ask them to go to a hotel for a few days with their son. That you dont wish to discuss it with him and that the marrage is over and you do not want to talk to him untill you have seen a legal rep.

Ask all of them to leave and give you space. Then baby steps xx

Wahla · 20/05/2013 21:27

I agree, don't tell him exactly what you know or how, just tell him you know and want out. Out of the marriage and out of the country, totally refuse to discuss what you found as this only gives him the power to lie and gaslight you.

He knows what he's done and he knows that you know so he's working in damage limitation mode, don't give him the chance to disrespect you any further by entering into the 'Explanation Game'.

It may be tough to get back home but the sooner you start the process the sooner you'll be out of that nightmare situation. I feel so bad for you OP - I hope you can find some rl help and support.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:28

Chubfuddler. I know he sounds like a total arse now dosent he! Was actually a really nice person once upon a time. I think thats what Ive been holding on to for the last few years. Not interested in him anymore.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/05/2013 21:28

You might easily have misunderstood the whole situation or his friends might have set him up as some sort of practical joke. Maybe you should tread warily before throwing everything up in the air. It all sounds a bit strange to me. And don't even think about mentioning this to your children.

LadyMaiBlossom · 20/05/2013 21:29

Sorry xpost

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:29

irony is the only real life person I could tell here is married to his best friend

OP posts:
forgetmenots · 20/05/2013 21:29

Bloody hell OP. I too would keep my powder dry and get as much arranged as I could before leaving, but easier said than done.

You are being very strong indeed, in comparison to your weak husband no wonder he is scared of what you know.

LadyMaiBlossom · 20/05/2013 21:32

I would not tell the children. Do not involve them in your marrage. Keep it simple.

We have desided to split.
Your Dad will be staying somewhere else for a bit but we both love you.

hermioneweasley · 20/05/2013 21:33

You are being amazingly strong. You decide what you want to do next. You owe him and his parents nothing - no explanation, etc.

Hugs.

Conina · 20/05/2013 21:34

I would buy time. Say you have a migraine / upset tummy and are embarrassed cos in laws are there and you need to be in bed / bathroom whatever. Then try and get some space to think.

Get clinical. You're in shock - if you've gone blank, find a gut feeling. If you've gone hyper alert panicked, then plan.

Eat if you can cos you don't need anything making you weaker / more vulnerable and clouding your head even further. If you can't eat, keep hydrated.

Can / do you want to take dc and leave house / country? Once you know that, you'll know whether to confront him. Fwiw - me - I wouldn't. I'd work out my next step then inform him afterwards, when it was too late for him to stop me.

Why do I get the impression - cos I'm sure you haven't said this - why do I think you're scared of him? Is it just because he's been revealed as a stranger or is it something else?

Brew with sugar for shock? X

Tigglettchic · 20/05/2013 21:38

tell him now, quick in and out (sorry)

we are here for u

Chubfuddler · 20/05/2013 21:40

Please don't tell your 17 year old daughter her father has been planning to or actually sleeping with prostitutes. You will scar her for life.

travailtotravel · 20/05/2013 21:42

While he's away can you contact his company and demand to be repatriated?

Surely his antics while away on a business trip will put a new light on your request to leave, and they'll really have to help you out.

Perhaps even the threat that you will do this will make him comply with your game plan, as work knowing that he using time away on business like this will reflect badly on the company etc etc and potentially damage his career prospects (she said hoping the company aren't all mysognisitc twunts like some are).

KittyVonCatsworth · 20/05/2013 21:45

Absolutely what chubfuddler said. There would be nothing to gain from telling your 17 year old that, and could be to your detriment later on down the line if you did.

Stay strong, thinking of you x