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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has booked himself a hooker. Awesome. Help me fast.

269 replies

nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 20:30

named changed for obvious reasons.
I'm going to sound cold and clinical but thats only because I am trying to hold it together. I have no friends nearby who I can tell this to.

I need advice fast. I have been trying to hold it together for the last few hours but Im not sure how much more I can manage. Just found out DH has booked a high class hooker for Wednesday night. Sounds easy to leave. Not really.

DH and I have been together for a long time and he is currently dealing with depression (on ADs) and a drink problem (just found out it was worse than I thought and that he'd been hiding the extent of it from me). I also knew he watched porn but thought it was within 'normal' behaviour for a male. We've had some fantastic years together but frankly the last few have been pretty difficult and I have been very lonely and worried about our relationship.

Today I was out in the car with DH, the kids and FIL and MIL. I had his phone in the back seat as mine was flat and I don't know what made me do it but I checked his emails. He has booked a hooker for Wednesday night (when he is away on a business trip). I looked the webiste up later and she cost 500-800 pounds. I just saw the request as in .." is so and so available for a hour or two on wednesday night?. Saw no reply but it looks like a lot has been deleted as there were only a few messages in the inbox.

We live overseas and me and the kids will need to be repatriated back to our country. We dont have that much in the way of savings. He earns a good income and I of course gave up my job to come overseas. So the outlook is pretty bleak in the short-term for me.

I have the PILs in the house for another week. What do I say, do? Numb with shock. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted I did take a photo of the email. Do I wait till he's gone on the business and then email that I know? Or have it out tonight and let the PILs hear it all??? I guess a trip to the clinic is in order as I have no idea if he has done this before :(

Advice please and fast.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 20/05/2013 21:06

Can you tel him you are going back to your home country with the dc for a visit? Maybe to your parents? You'd have his permission then. Once you are away, you can think about what to do next.

teacherwith2kids · 20/05/2013 21:06

I would ask your MIL for a quiet word.

Show her the evidence that you have found, and ask for her help.

If possible, get FIL to take the children out for a short while, and confront your DH with your MIL present.

Of course that depends on the relationship you have with the ILs, but if they can be on your side at least a little (a MIL is more likely to be than a FIL I suspect) then it will be more difficult for him to wriggle out of it entirely - or do you any harm when you confront him.

Salbertina · 20/05/2013 21:06

So you are "ordinarily domiciled there" if been 2 years and are probably under its jurisdiction despite where kids born etc.

Wahla · 20/05/2013 21:06

Oh nogoing you poor thing. I think you might do well to disclose whilst his parents are there if you think they may be of some support to you. For one, they may discourage him from stopping you taking the kids home, if they see what a shit he's been.

Do they know about his drink problem?

Chubfuddler · 20/05/2013 21:07

I'd be on the first flight back home with them in that case. Or at least the first one on Wednesday after he's gone on his "business trip". You do realise there probably isn't a business trip at all? Just a night with a call girl.

What a sad fucker he is. Sorry op but you deserve much much better.

Back2Two · 20/05/2013 21:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Fuckwittery · 20/05/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaeuphemism · 20/05/2013 21:08

Would you be happier arranging to go home when the pils go back and then telling him you know from the uk?

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:10

I think his parents would jump at the opportunity to keep the kids here :( They are not the type I would want to turn to. They are ok people but will stick with him 100% Im sure. I wouldn't think he'd stop me taking the kids home but I have been wrong about him before apparently...

OP posts:
cherhorowitz · 20/05/2013 21:10

I have just read the thread and I am disgusted. I am so, so sorry for you OP. I can't imagine finding out my husband had been cheating on me especially outright lying about it with a prostitute.

Are you definitely leaving him? I'd have all your ducks in a row before you have it out with him. Get as much advice and legal support as you can if getting the children out of the country will be a problem. Do you have a support network back home as a single mother?

In this situation I'd be blazing it out with him in front of PIL's so they know what a disgusting human being he is to do this to his family but I understand that's not the most productive way forward and could be devastating if you need his permission to leave the country with your children.

Do your PIL's know about the drink problem? If you show them the evidence they may help you get out of this marriage and the country.

Salbertina · 20/05/2013 21:10

If she takes the dc on any plane out of the country without his consent she risks being hauled back at (her) vast expense, pronto!

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:11

arranging to go home will be no mean feat.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 20/05/2013 21:11

Then say you're best mate in uk is in trouble that's why you're distressed - get the kids and you out the country, then confront....

cherhorowitz · 20/05/2013 21:11

X-Posted.

Best not to confide in PIL's then. You know them better than all of us.

Can you take the children out of the country without his consent and reside back in your home country with them legally? If so, do. Staying and him spinning you a web of what you know are lies will be so much more hurtful.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:12

he knows I know something

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/05/2013 21:13

Then wait till he's gone on his trip, tell your ILs to leave and put his stuff on the doorstep.

Meanwhile do NOT have sex with this vile man, and get yourself to your GP for some tests.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:14

I cant possibly get legal advice and arrange to take the kids home in a few days. I will need his work to repatriate us all. Its in the contract...I remember seeing it when we signed. It will take weeks.

OP posts:
themidwife · 20/05/2013 21:14

Show him the photo & tell him that you will not accept lies. Even if he didn't end up making the booking he INTENDED to.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 20/05/2013 21:14

I'm so sorry.

I guess he knows his game is up, from his behaviour. He's just trying to work out what you know.

So play it his way, and tell him that you know, but no more. Let him dig himself a hole, and find out what you need to know.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:15

I dont plan on going anywhere near him Chubfuddler. Hes been lying to me for who knows how long.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 20/05/2013 21:16

Ok, don't reveal exactly what you know - you can just suggest that you know enough and want out.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:18

Im stalling. I feel sick but I will tell him i know and its over.

OP posts:
Salbertina · 20/05/2013 21:18

Nogoing, of course you cant arrange it all in a few days so chuck HIM out, say you insist on 2-3 weeks minimum to have breathing space. He can go to a hotel or whatever. Sure( eventually) he will be desperate and forlorn enough to do anything you say.

Original poster
nogoingback999 · 20/05/2013 21:19

I wish he could take his parents with him

OP posts:
BlueberryHill · 20/05/2013 21:19

Sorry that you are in this position.

Can you hold it together tonight, make up some story to put him off the scent. He probably won't want to believe that you know about Wednesday.

Tomorrow could you ask PILs to look after your children and go to see a solicitor, could you find a specialist family lawyer in your country / city? Once you know what your legal position is, it may help you to decide what you want and how to approach it?

Good luck