This is the dating thread 54, all welcome!

[JulietteMontague]

All very welcome to share online and real life dating experiences.

toni please don't think you might 'eff things up' by DTD and then him doing a runner. People who will do a runner after a shag will do a runner despite anything you may or may not do. I presume that you do not regard foreplay as pissing in hungry hungry hippos ( (c) Tim minchin) so anything that is done is done. The are plenty of LTRs that evolve from what was thought to be a one-nighter... So if you want to have sex, have sex because you want to have sex.

I'm feeling shockingly popular this week (which is a new feeling). One nighter from last weekend has come back full force and wants to meet up, but to actually DO something. So....maybe. He might just be shit at communicating, or nervous. I had a feeling I was the first since his wife died two years ago. Trying to cut him a little slack.

Have an absolutely gorgeous Zambian bloke who seems very interested. So far I like him, have texted and talked on the phone. But I have a sneaking suspicion he's just looking for sex. If that's the case, I'm not sure if I want to walk away or channel my inner Samantha.

I have a dinner date on Sunday with a very nice (seeming) man who is an oil field worker. He communicates well, is funny, seems considerate. He went on a working trip to New Mexico and sent me a picture of local wildflowers he found as "he remembered I'd said Wednesday is a hard work day" and he wanted to brighten my day a little.

There was also a guy who started messaging me, that initially I was quite interested in but he turned out to be ten years older than his profile said, was using a ten year old picture and wasn't in the profession he'd listed. I said no thank you, as from the beginning everything I knew of him was false. He got angry and accused me of being narrow minded and refusing to take the time to get to know someone. Whaaaaaaaatever. Goodbye.

Oh, and I didn't mean anything negative by specifying that the one man is Zambian. I live in Texas and at least in my area, it's very unusual to come across anyone who isn't Caucasian, Hispanic or African American.

Frankly, just listening to him speak made me a little shivery in the knees . But the deep voice and accent were gorgeous.

Briefly mentioning that it is 6 months to the day since what we shall now refer to as 'the voldemort incident' I will always be grateful for the advice, generosity and love that this thread gave me at the time and isn't it funny how life works itself out in due course.

Going to namelesses tomorrow for date night. I've become a little wary of over-ethusive texts of late, he prefers one to one conversation ( I put this down to brain-lag) but I 'what-the-helled' it and signed off a text with 'I've missed you'...

...and he misses me too, so I'm all giddy-romantic and looking forwards to tomorrow.

Django Heading up tomorrow. We will keep very warm

Hi guys, just checking in. For those who may or may not remember me it would seem month long mini relationship and I say that in the loosest of terms is over, well I be not heard from him all week so I think its run its course. Anyway, been having a look back on okcupid and Jesus Christ, i don't remember it being quite so full of deeply unattractive men. Then I noticed its just men from my city. I need to move to London or Manchester, they definitely seem to have a better class of men? What hope is there? I'm resigning myself to being single FOREVER!!!

Hi guys, do you mind if I join you? I am recently separated from my STBXH. We were married for 10 years and have a 3 year old DD. Turns out that I have been in a controlling and very stressful relationship for the whole time and I have since discovered that most people are actually nice to me, who knew? I am in no fit state to start dating yet but I know that I don't want to be on my own forever but I am in danger of becoming the crazy cat lady. Basically I am asking how long did it take you to decide when to start dating again and was it just really cringy and awful? I am 37.

Maisy they tend to look better if you're in a more optimistic frame of mind

Hello Lahti and welcome. To answer your question, I waited eighteen months after I split from my ex. When we split I swore off men forever, couldn't see myself ever having a man again, but one day I woke up and the time just felt right. I was very nervous, hasn't found this thread then to hold my hand. It's not been awful at all, much easier than I expected, and it does get easier as you get used to it. I think you will know when you are ready to date again.

Hello Lahti, I separated last September and haven't really felt like dating until quite recently. Had a couple of false starts in January though, and had a very casual arrangement with someone's totally unsuitable but hot (just to get back in the saddle, as it were. And because he asked me and he was hot ;) ). I think it doesn't do any harm to window shop meantime, and trust your instincts always - no rules!

In other news, I have a date loosely arranged for next Friday :). We both said tonight we'd rather meet sooner but diaries just don't match. I am pleased / nervous / excited / terrified! Good job I'm busy meantime ;)

Hi Lahti, I waited about six months after my divorce to put my toe in the water. I too had a somewhat casual fling/arrangement type thing in the interim but I wouldn't call it dating. It just kind of happened.

I'm also 37 It is a bit cringey and strange at first, but I'm very surprised a how relaxed I feel about having a date with a new person this weekend. I guess I just had to crack out of my box to realize that hey, people actually do like me! I too was with an emotional abuser.

I waited about 9 months from when I split with my stbxh before I started dating

Morning all.

I seem to be a bit smitten with someone I met in real life last night. She's attached to a Danish guy, unfortunately (for a few weeks) But we spent about two hours talking at a pub, while he was off trying to pull someone else. The Danish guy is a former pupil of the 'I can help you pull' teacher I mentioned before.

Then we walked back to the tram stop, waited 20 minutes for one (at 2am), were too busy talking to notice when one arrived, waited another half an hour and got the next one. Talked the whole time. Cheek kiss goodbye, got back home to find she'd FB friended me and we messaged a bit at gone 3am. Then fell asleep.

I need to work out how to see her again without it seeming like I'm moving in on an attached woman, but while finding out if she'll dump the Dane.

She'll be called the Translator.

I had that oomph moment. Feck.

Bant

Is the for a few weeks because he is leaving or she's been seeing him for a few weeks? Someone once told me with OW sniffing around, don't acknowledge just override them. This guy sounds like a tool so all you have to do to get him relegated is be your usual witty, dazzling/enigmatic self. Just be sure you don't get pegged as 'the friend'. Vair excited for you!

That is very Bant

Lahti I waited a year after XH and I separated (with a brief, unsuitable dalliance after 9 months which proved to me I was still capable of such things) as that's when I felt happy with throwing myself into it. Different people are different and I think sometimes you don't realise you're not ready until you try. Although it might be the best thing you do :)

ahw bant

all is fair in love and war (if there are no children involved) especially if your rival is sniffing around other women especially if that is without her consent. is she aware he's off on the pull?

I have five job applications to start today. must get off of MN.

I started OD 3 months after my husband moved out and met someone straight away who I kept seeing, prob for me like a FWB plus. It was too early in one way, but was good for my self esteem, provided a distraction from all the grief that ex was still giving me (and so helped me stay calmer in financial negs etc) and stopped me from being tempted to go back to the a'hole ex and it was really good fun during a time that was otherwise stressful. I think he got something good out of it too while it lasted .

Hi all,

Could you give me a bit of advice...

I've not heard from Ruggers since Tuesday. We had few texts discussing meeting up next wed. I said I'd let him know if I could make it. He said he was busy this week and also said he is better chatting face to face than texting. I am a texter but trying to stop myself because i know it gives a false sense of relationshippyness before you actually meet. He is the first person I have got excited about meeting up with for ages so I don't want to screw up!!

As I haven't heard from him for quite a few days, do you think the date is off or on? Or should I just text him to start up conversation - if so can you suggest what to put?? I don't want to text presuming date is still on if he isn't keen but likewise I don't want to not meet up if he is up for it! I know I need to get a grip but I just want to play it right!!

Pom - have you let him know you can make it next wednesday? It's not clear whether he's waiting to hear back from you about that. You could always text and say either yes you're free then, or if you've already done so, ask where/when he's got it planned. That starts a conversation.

Some texting is fine - you don't have to do no texting at all, it's just that you have to try not to read too much into it. Some is better than none, in my experience, it keeps them thinking about you, gives you a few topics of conversation to chat about when you do meet.

Oooh Bant a real life frisson! Can't believe she is going out with a dating-coached guy - wonder if it works? I think Juliette 's advice is spot on, just be there and be better than the Dane, and don't turn into her best friend . . .

Feeling quite down today, financial buggering about on a grand scale from Titto which is causing me a lot of worry. Am really tempted to get in touch with LM, the problem is he is there on Match and I keep looking at seeing him.

Regular texting from the quiet one, but no mention yet of meeting up again although he has said again what a nice time he had on Tuesday, just had a text saying he's not got much planned for the weekend so he is kind of pussyfooting about. Texting too from tomorrow's date, nothing from the trainspotter (but I've not texted him either). Got a nice sounding one lined up as well on PoF who I think I will probably meet next week.

Pom did you actually get back to him and confirm for next week? I would just text, maybe a bit closer to the time, and ask if he's still okay to meet.

Thanks bant how does this sound
"Hello, I'm working from home today, playing catch up!! I've sorted a sitter for Wed so I'm free if you are xx"

Don't know why I'm being such a div over this!!!

Sounds fine, Pom. Good luck!

Done - eeeeeek!!

oww haven't you had a few of the non texting type? What has been the general outcome?

Have to say I think you doing amazing! Wish I had a quarter of your success! What's your secret?

Oh and hello Raf, Lahti and Daisy

Lahti I waited about 6 months before dipping my toe into the waters. You don't know if you're ready until you try it - the most important point is not to take it too seriously. You might end up meeting someone lovely really quickly, or it could take ages, and you have to be prepared to be let down lots of times by vanishers, tosspots, midgets and morons.

If you dip your toe in by setting up a profile and contacting a couple of people (we can help with vetting your profile :) ) then you can always hide or delete it if you think you're not ready

Pom Trainspotter was/is a bit of a flaky texter, quiet for days then popping back up again. He was quiet before we were due to meet, so I just asked if we were still on, and now it is all quiet again. Not fussed, but I can see it would be difficult if I really liked him. The main non-texter I had was LM and that really did get to me, but only because I cared.

Not sure if things are going well or not - really want to stop dating and find someone I could see things working out with . . . But there are lots of possibilities around at the moment and I really don't know why. I've not changed my photos or profile or anything, must be something in the air up here!

Ah the dreaded Friend Zone.

How do I avoid this? I mean, I can be charming, witty, funny, nice and generally I have quite a few female friends.

It's a tough situation. I asked out the Finn a couple of weeks ago, she said yes then said later she'd actually prefer to be friends. No worries, I can do that. With the Translator though I can't ask her out as she's seeing someone else (has been for a few weeks, not sure how serious it is, it didn't seem like they were much of a couple although she kissed him goodbye when I left with her to walk her to the tram).

So.. how to show I'm interested in being more than just friends without coming on too strong to an attached woman, albeit one who seemed to be into me?