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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another porn one.

146 replies

taKsad · 14/05/2013 10:39

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2013 14:54

Hi Choc. I think it's a deal breaker for me too. The more I look at it, the more i can't see how it won't be.
Is it all ok with your dh now?

Yes, its been a long process though - the affair was the main thing but it all was part of a pattern of selfish and entitled behaviour (which gradually got worse over the years) and he really had to work hard (and is still working on) to address his flaws and issues.

I would be interested to know what he is like at home - do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time? Equal amounts of spending money? Has he displayed other selfish behaviours?

The fact that he continued to wank off to porn for 3 years knowing your feelings suggest he needs to have a good look at himself and why/how he justified his use of porn.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 14:55

One question for the OP, if your DH sex drive has stayed the same and yours has gone down (illness etc no blame attached) what was your DH supposed to do?

You put him in an impossible position and yet you want to punish him for it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2013 14:56

lucy - your comments are not helpful, OP is entitled to her views and if you have nothing useful to say, bog off.

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2013 14:57

Rootin - Op has already said she is fine about masturbation Hmm

Porn and wanking are NOT the same thing.

I couldn't live with someone who thinks its fine to have an orgasm knowing that the images are likley to be those of vulnerable and/or trafficked women. Yuk.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 14:58

Is an alternative opinion not allowed?

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:01

Not all porn contains trafficked or vulnerable women and to suggest so is utter bollocks.

The OP is thinking about splitting up her family based on a fairly tenuous notion.

Boosterseat · 14/05/2013 15:03

True, not all porn contains vulnerable or trafficked women but if someone offered you a brew, you can choose from 10 cups but 1 might have poision in it would you bother with the tea? would you fuck.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:06

What a genuinely stupid analogy.

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/05/2013 15:10

Booster - its more like 3 cups than 10 cups Sad so many women in porn come from vulnerable/difficult backgrounds and have been conditioned to think that their role is to provide sexual services Sad

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:17

I'm sure that OP kids when they are crying their eyes out because mum and dad have split up will take great solace in knowing that their mum thinks their dad is no better than a sex trafficker because he did something that most men in the developed world do.

To be honest he's probably better off without her, 14 years up the spout, well done.

Boosterseat · 14/05/2013 15:22

Rootin Id rather be stupid than cruel thank you very much.

Mad - Amazing how many times the porn word is coming up in the sickening recent murder trials but of course some people will always try to justify.

Well?if it helps them sleep at night.

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:25

I'll say it again. The porn is not the issue. People have different feelings about porn. People are allowed to have their own feelings about porn for whatever reasons they like. It is irrelevant to the actual problem, that the op's husband has not been honest about something he knows is important to her. That is the problem.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:27

I ask again then, what was he supposed to do? Heap pressure on an ill woman because he isn't getting as much satisfaction as he needed or discreetly masturbate using a visual stimulus?

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:29

OP doesn't sound controlling at all. It is not controlling to not want a relationship with a porn user either because you are concerned about the sex industry, the erosion of the concept of consent, the objectification of women or infidelity. You are perfectly entitled to set that as an issue which is important to you. She has been honest about her feelings on it from the start, he has chosen to be dishonest, probably as much with himself as with her. It probably will work out fine in the end but it is upsetting by any measure.

Just why are some posters so eager to insist that women must tolerate porn?

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2013 15:32

it's simple Rootin-he has a wank and uses his imagination. No one is being exploited. The op has already said what she does and doesn't object to. Plus she made it abundantly clear to him how important her views are.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:34

It's not necessarily about tolerating porn imho it's about understanding it from the male psyche point of view.

If the OP came on here and said my DP says I can't do X as it upsets him, you would all accuse him of being controlling and that she should LTB.

How is this any different?

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:34

Rootin - porn and wanking are not the same thing. The porn is not as much the issue as the lying/pretending.

People don't have to have sex.

People don't have to wank.

People don't have to watch porn.

People don't have to lie about watching porn.

People may enjoy doing any of the above. Why perpetuate this crap that men are so blinded by their cocks that they have no self control or empathy. Honestly if I was very ill I would consider it strange that the stress of that had no effect on my DH who I imagine would be worried. If his main concern about it was having less sex I'd be creeped out by him.

It is perfectly possible, and indeed could be expected, that he could have handled this situation much better. He hasn't and it probably isn't irreparable but it is still upsetting, not specifically because it is over porn but because he was lying about something he knew was important to the op, it really doesn't matter what that was.

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:36

The male psyche? Why is this even relevant... If such thing existed...

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:36

I sometimes wonder if any of the women on here even have partners never mind children as they don't seem to understand men at all or have a very biased negative viewpoint.

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:37

No-one has said LTB, we all said it'd probably be fine because they've had a good marriage but it was an upsetting thing.

Are you actually reading the same thread? On this one the op thanked us for not saying LTB.... Hmm

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:38

I think you're the one with the negative view of men tbh rootin.

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2013 15:38

Yes, what is this male psyche....

Lovecat · 14/05/2013 15:40

Rootin you are actually being incredibly insulting to men.

They aren't jism machines who must be 'relieved' every so often or they'll explode. The vast majority of men are perfectly capable of self-control. The OP had made her position clear from the start and my heart goes out to her.

Your nasty 'let's dig a little deeper here' smacks of emotional voyeurism. and a wish to kick her when she's down, for your own bizarre agenda.

Offred · 14/05/2013 15:41

If an op posted saying their DP was making it clear that they morally opposed porn and that it was a dealbreaker and the op was a porn user then MN massive would probably say you need to be honest and are maybe not compatible it you both feel strongly. They wouldn't say oh well what she doesn't know won't hurt her, you'll be alright as long as you don't get caught and if you do tell her you have a porn addiction.

RootinTootin · 14/05/2013 15:43

I admit there is a certain boys will be boys stance to my posts but I genuinely can't see what this guy has done that would mean I would upset my children and divorce a bloke who I really cared about. Neither would I want to be so controlling that he can't even crack one out without him being a sex pest.

I'd be annoyed if he felt he couldnt talk to me about it but he wouldnt be the first bloke to make a silly decision.