Another porn one.

[taKsad]

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

[Offred]

You are the only one who has mentioned divorce rootin, everyone else said get some space to think and it'll probably be fine because everything else is good no matter which side of the porn thing they were on.

Wanking is nothing to do with the issue. The op is not concerned about wanking. Wanking and porn are different things.

You would be more than annoyed if he had lied about something which is important to you. Like cheating perhaps? Can you not put aside your personal feelings about porn and understand that the op's are different, respect that fact and advise based on the fact that to her this is an important issue, one he was aware of and one he lied about.

Something upsetting but probably won't lead to divorce in the end although could take some time to get over.

[RootinTootin]

What if the OP's grievance is irrational?

What if someone came on here and said my husband won't let me go line dancing because he thinks I will sleep with other men? You would say he is controlling and irrational wouldn't you?

The OP needs to decide which is more important, the irrational notion that all porn is bad and fucked up or her family.

[Offred]

But objectively it isn't irrational. How people feel about porn is subjective. You don't know why she feels the way she does. It would be crass to ask and she has specifically asked people not to in her op so surely you could avoid the thread?

I'll tell you why I feel similarly though. Some reasons; 1. I have been very badly affected by men who took sexually abusive attitudes straight from porn, who used porn to sexually abuse me.

1. I am studying law and I feel that paying people in any way to perform sexual acts erodes the concept of consent by making sexual services contracts and by paying the actors and by portrayal of sex without consent.
   

1. Mainstream porn is frequently portraying abuse of women.
   

1. The porn industry treats the actors very badly very often.
   

1. I am concerned about people who can get pleasure in such a disconnected way and because of point 1 I do not feel able to trust them to understand consent which is very important to me now.
   

1. It negatively affects ability to perform sexually for a lot of men.

[Boosterseat]

Well said Offred if it is acceptable to both parties in the relationship then there is no problem but when one is putting his own needs above the needs of the relationship and then lying about it, the OP definitely has the right to consider the future of the relationship.

OP - You obviously care deeply for your DH and i truly hope you can work through this and become stronger than ever. It is nothing do you with you, you have done nothing wrong your husband needs to find the reason why he gave himself permission to betray your trust and take the necessary steps to reassure and demonstrate to you it won?t happen again.

[Offred]

You might not agree, you might believe 'boys will be boys' and it is not harmful or better than hassling a sick person for sex and those are your views to which you are entitled but mine are valid, considered views which are perfectly rational and able to be rationalised.

[RootinTootin]

Offred, I'm sorry about what has happened to you, clearly anything of that nature is vile. Though it has to be said there is some bias in your argument (naturally) and that does detract from it.

I too have studied contract law (as part of a business degree) and it is based on the notion of offer and acceptance, surely this is exactly what consent is?

I also don't agree with your other points. I fear we are going really off topic here though.

At the end of the day the OP has to decide which is more important.

[Offred]

No, consent is completely different to contact. In many ways contract is entirely incompatible with the concept of consent.

The fact that there may be bias is irrelevant given it is not irrational, actually the influence of porn on sexual abuse of young people is studied and you aren't aware of the op's reason for asserting her personal boundaries over porn.

The other points are also objectively measured too. There isn't really any agreement or disagreement over them.

[Offred]

*contract

[RootinTootin]

"The other points are also objectively measured too. There isn't really any agreement or disagreement over them."

Utter rubbish. I look forward to your pointless reply that takes the thread further away from it's intention.

[Offred]

Not that it matters hugely if the op's personal views were irrational. If the DH felt that then what he should have done is respect her and himself enough to say he didn't agree and they could have worked from there.

I think everyone is sympathetic to someone who is unconfident in themselves doing something like this but in the end it won't help the relationship to lie, it will come out in the end and when it does the lying will make it into a bigger issue than it needed to be. That's where they are now, it is a bit woman blamey to say the problem is that the op should have known boys will be boys.

[Offred]

Yes they are. You might disagree with those concerns about porn but they are concerns about porn which people have different feelings on.

Either way, it's you taking the thread to your personal agenda; that all women should understand the male psyche which apparently involves and inability to empathise, furious wanking over porn and the right to make unilateral decisions about their partner's boundaries.

[Offred]

The debate on porn is entirely irrelevant, the op asked that it not be debated because she had her reasons for her feelings. The issue for advice is how to handle finding out that your husband has lied over something that you asserted was a deal breaker at the start of the relationship.

[taKsad]

Wow. Evening all. Look what happens when you bugger off into real life and spend four hours talking to the only other person who actually knows what's really going on.
Thanks for fighting my corner Offred. Rational or not, that's the way we roll in this house. And we've had a really good chat this afternoon and there is a happy way forward for all involved.
FYI we were never EVER looking at divorce, or crying children, or poor iccle menz who don't have the right to watch women being fucked up the arse for a pittance but hey ho, who needs facts in the face of a random highjack, eh?
We were looking at the issue of deception and the pitfalls of lying and being found out, not the right to watch porn (which is all fine and dandy in other homes, but not here. Which my dh knows, and that is where it all went a bit wrong).
As you were.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

I'm glad you've spoken to him, TaKsad.

Good luck with the future :)

[taKsad]

Oh, and sorry if that was a bit belligerent, but I'm not having a very good day.

[taKsad]

Thanks Caja, hopefully I'll be back to my usual name and posting inane crap all over the chat board in no time at all!

[Boosterseat]

Glad it went well

I hope it works out for you.

[RootinTootin]

I'm glad you've told him how it is. I wonder if you will come running back here if he does the same to you.

[taKsad]

I was asking for help and advice Rootin, not to be told my dh is better off without me. Didn't your mother ever teach you that if you can't say anything nice you would be best off saying nothing at all?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Rootin -FFS, stop hassling Op.

OP - glad you've had a good chat and well done for not backing down

[noseymcposey]

Glad you had a good chat with your DH taKsad

I think when someone fucks up, a lot depends on how they handle what they have done and I hope that your DH is showing himself to be decent.

[taKsad]

So today is another day. My dh is going to counselling to address the latest in along line of addictive behaviours (smoking, drinking, drugs etc, all of which he has addressed and recovered from), this seemingly being another red flag in the long line of behaviours reacting to being bought up by two alcoholics and neglected as a child.
Whilst he clearly has a lot of stuff to work through I'm very pleased he's made this first step. Does anyone have any experience supporting a partner through psychotherapy?

[themaltesecat]

Offred's on the money.

[Offred]

No, no experience of that, not from that end of it anyway.

I think it will be tempting to pathologist this and it may well be pathological but probably don't go into the therapy with those expectations I would say. He needs room to explore himself and his feelings in therapy.

[Offred]

How are you?