Another porn one.

[taKsad]

So, I have pretty strong views on the trade of humans. I have made my views on porn, lapdancing and all the other varieties of degradation pretty damn clear in the last 14 years my dh and I have been together.
I have also made it clear that the use of such services amount to mental cheating to my mind. I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether this is right or wrong, in my head it is so.
I came home yesterday to collect my bloodwork form and pop to the hospital. Since I had dd 3 years ago I have been pretty damn ill, and spend a lot of time at hospital for one reason or another. Dh was upstairs, in our room. He didn't come down when I called so I went up and found him with the computer. Silly me, eh?
He now says (obviously) that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, he's been trying to stop etc. I think he's just sorry he got caught.
How do I move on from here? I can't stop crying, I feel sick. To me, as I said, this is mental cheating. And it is also degrading. And it's been going on for at least three years. He's been lying to me for three years. This man is my rock, he has been there and supported me solidly for 14 years. I can't believe it. And please don't tell me I'm overreacting- that's not going to help.
Any wisdom?

There is a link somewhere to a study a man has done of the effects of porn on the brain - I hope someone can find it as I have failed! Will keep looking. It says that men who haven't grown up with the constant availability of porn (internet) can give it up easier than todays teens as it actually changes the shape of the brain. Their brain gets so used to the hits from serotonin (when they see a new woman every few mins) it is addictive. It can also be linked to depression for the same reason - the brain wants more and instantly. Erectile dysfunction is the ironic outcome for some massive over users.

I had several ex's who lied about using porn and to be honest I never really felt the same with them. I did ask both of them when we started going out and they chose to lie. When you see the unrealistic comparisons and know you will never do those things or compete it is really demoralising. You feel as though that is what they really want and you can't give it to them. This link (if I can find it) goes some way to explaining it really is just the thrill that it is so many women instantly that keeps men addicted; i.e nothing personal.

Not that I am condoning it, just trying to make you feel a bit better.
I don't want a man for this reason - not porn per se but the whole lack of deep respect for women that I feel society has moulded our men into. I don't think I can trust them not to do this and worse again, my own sad story that if I am honest think started with an ex being addicted to porn

I feel a lot better today thank you Offred. We have talked for hours, and although I am still angry and upset I can see that this is still my dh. We're going to have a fair few ups and downs over the next few months/years but I want to support him to get the help he needs. I don't mean for the porn per se, underneath there is a great deal of damage that his frankly vile parents visited on him and his sisters. I can look at this objectively and see it as another aspect, he has such form for self destructive behaviour.
They say time is a healer, we shall see.

Here you go - hope it helps a bit

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way Lion, and I also understand exactly what you mean.

I think that sounds a good attitude as long as you know that you don't have to put up with anything you find too unreasonable just because he had a bad time as a child.

It is just very sad all around really. I can't help but see men as kids in a sweet shop; all greedy and grabby without a thought in their little minds for real people. Really off putting.

That is an ace link. Thank you for sharing it with me Loin

Lion - that isn't an inherent characteristic of men. It is socially conditioned and therefore common but there are good ones out there.

I won't be putting up with anything I don't like. I've made it very clear that he can have a second chance, but no more. It really is a deal breaker this time- any more porn means no more marriage.
He has installed accountability software on the only computer in the house and has no internet on his phone.
He admits that he knew how bad this would be if it blew up in his face and suspects that he was taking more risks in order to get caught.
Time will tell.

It does seem a bit odd that he would be doing this three times a week, taking that risk given he knew how strongly you felt about it- I also agree he probably wanted to get caught or at least found the risk exciting.

I have a simple rule- no porn in my house, I don't want to have to get stressed about the children logging into mine/partner's computer, or accidentally getting up in the night and seeing something (as happened to me as an older child,ugh). I wouldn't implode my marriage over it, but just remind my husband I like to live in a porn free zone, I don't think that's too much to ask.

I suppose I was more thinking about what his own attitudes to porn might be when I said that. If he really isn't that bothered by it then you at least need to know that, both of you. It will be tempting to put it away in a box of bad behaviour. I think, well I know, that I can tolerate an intimate partner with a different view on some things as long as their is honesty, respect and discussion. Lying to themself or me and hiding it is not something I can handle.

*there

Indeed Mumsy, not too much to ask at all.

Offred, it won't be tolerated. As I say, he has such form for addictive, compulsive behaviour. He accepts that, as do I. Now we have to work at putting the trust back into our relationship- I hate being deceived.

I am quite surprised at how reactionary so many of the posts on this thread are.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own views, but some of the responses to porn here seem excessive.
At a basic level, what porn ?is? can be contentious. Is a nude painting or nude statue porn? It may celebrate the female or male form.

Sex is natural, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with watching consensual sex , or erotic enjoyment, on film. At what point does Mr Darcy?s masculine firm grip of Elizabeth move from the erotically sensual to the pornographically unacceptable?

Clearly there are numerous areas of pornography which can give cause for concern, but in itself, is watching it a relationship breaker? If porn replaces a normal healthy sexual relationship then that is a problem, but it need not.

As I have said repeatedly Lucy, it is not the porn per se that I have the issue with. My dh has known for the last 14 years that it is not something I wish to have in my life, and that it's a deal breaker for me.
That may seem excessive to you, but we're all entitled to have a different opinion.
It's actually the trust/betrayal issue that I'm struggling with so much. He knew how much it would upset me. He did it anyway. He is obviously very sorry now, but presumably on some level only because he got caught and if I hadn't come home on Monday it would still be going on. Three years of lying is a lot to swallow for me, particularly at a time when I face so many other difficulties. I have trusted him implicitly for as long as we've been together. To find out that he was deceiving me hurts. A lot.
Sorry if that annoys you.

As Lucy says though, where do you draw the line?

I think you are controlling him, it's my way or the highway type attitude and I'm not convinced that's how adult relationships should be.

I'd love your hubby to grow a pair and tell you what you can and can't do.

You're not really very nice are you, Rootin?
You don't know me, you're making enormous assumptions about someone you know one dimension of (vaguely) on an internet forum, and you're also kicking a girl when she feels incredibly shit.

You feel shitty because you realise you are controlling a fellow adult who feels his only option is to lie about something because of your own selfish hang ups.

I don't think making clear your feelings about anything right from the start of a relationship is putting restrictions on what someone can do though is it? The person doesn't have to be in the relationship, they aren't forced to lie, they could simply be honest and negotiate their own feelings/terms.

It is nothing to do with porn.

The terms of the relationship with taK were that porn is a dealbreaker, her dh chose not to talk about his real feelings, why is this her problem? It is irrelevant if some other people think porn is ok. Why are people acting like the dh had no option but to lie?

And no-one needs to watch porn.

People need food, water and shelter, they don't need porn.

And I think the point was he didn't promise not to watch porn he said he shared taK's beliefs...

I think it's probably best if I bow out now. This is online entertainment for most of you, but to me it's my life.
Ta-ta.