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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done something silly

175 replies

bowlingforsoup · 12/05/2013 21:55

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

OP posts:
BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 10:49

Why are people being unkind to the OP because she is pointing out someone she knows is promiscuous?
And that person is sniffing round her DP knowing he had a pregnant DP, at home?
She is entitled to be angry at both.

I would saying nothing unless needed OP, let him sweat.
But tbh I would be thinking about separation.

Lweji · 13/05/2013 10:50

I don't usually say this, but if a man had come in here saying he had held OM by his throat, he'd get the same responses as OP.
Probably worse.
When someone is violent, we always advise the victim as well as the perpetrator to walk away.

But this episode was mainly analysed to show OP how this relationship with this man is bad for her.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 10:54

So If I'm reading this right, how many of you would flirt/advance on a married man and still consider your self decent?

genuine question, who would knowingly hit on an attached bloke?

of course he is a scumbag , but both have to take responsibility.

I have all sympathy for a woman who didn't know she was OW.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 11:00

I'm not sure if I'm in a different world but its not uncommon for a spouse to attack someone who has been sleeping with his or her partner.
Dh is a copper and deals with this everyday.
There's a lot of self righteousness on mn tbh.
I would have happily killed my ex and his ow when it all came out.
I was not rational as I visited the clap clinic sorted out claiming benefits for the first time ever, looked st my baby dd knowing she would never grow up without her dad and watched my ds cry like a baby.
You don't know how you'd react really.

LibertineLover · 13/05/2013 11:02

Hey OP. doubt you will come back to this oh so supportive thread,but if you do, let us know you're OK, you're in a very vulnerable position, and I'm sure your head's all over the place.

Did he come home?

Take care of you first and foremost.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 11:06

I agree Ledkr, I can imagine is someone was smugly telling me whilst I was drunk , that she had been sleeping with my DH, in those moments you're whole world comes crashing down, such a betrayal especially being smug about it,
I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't be violent in that situation.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 11:12

bigblock I used to dream about being violent and I'm a very sane individual. Ow was friends with my two eldest boys knew I'd had cancer and just had a baby so not a massive amount of sympathy for her tbh although without a doubt it was exh who betrayed me she just had no morals clearly.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 11:14

That is truly awful Ledkr, maybe we should skip violence and just have cages for these people.

men and women, before anyone starts frothing at the mouth.

Patosshades · 13/05/2013 11:16

I imagine he's come home so he's now safe from the clutches of evil town bike. It'll all be fine, it will need the OP to walk in on them shagging on her own bed for this fine specimen of a man to be shown the door.

fallingover · 13/05/2013 11:28

maybe we should skip violence and just have cages for these people

Crikey. Last time I checked, infidelity was not a criminal offence. Get a grip.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 11:32

Um I think she was joking maybe you need to get a sense of humour and a grip.

kneedeepindaisies · 13/05/2013 11:33

The thing is Patos she doesn't want to show him the door.

Obviously I think she should but you can't slate her for not doing so. It's her choice.

Just as its his choice to treat her like shit and the OW's choice to sleep with a man she knows has a pregnant partner and child Hmm

We should just try to support her if she comes back. This is relationships not AIBU.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 11:39

Something being legal doesn't stop it being morally abhorrent, and we've not even got on to the topic of sti's etc the darker side of cheating.

I'm actually wondering why cheating and infecting is not a criminal offence tbh, it should be one.

(off on a tangent)

fallingover · 13/05/2013 11:47

So you weren't joking, were you? Policing and criminalising questions of personal morality is a dangerous road to go down, imo.

It is a criminal offence in some jurisdictions to knowingly infect someone with HIV (infidelity/cheating aside). There was a case in Germany a couple of years ago, if I remember rightly.

Kaluki · 13/05/2013 11:47

ugh this is Mumsnet at its worst!!!
Nice work Ladies - poor OP is probably long gone now feeling worse than when she came on here.
She needed help and advice not name calling and being told to find another forum.
Hope you are all proud Sad

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 12:06

I was joking about cages for people who cheat,

No I went on tangent about people who infect their partners , why is it not punished more severely. with things like chylamydia (can make women infertile) syphillis (hugely harmful in pregnancy)
So many lives are ruined.

Lweji · 13/05/2013 13:12

So, men are justified in killing or beating their partners for being unfaithful? Shock

Yes, some people are violent, including women, but unless in self defence, nothing justifies it.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/05/2013 13:33

Where did I condone murder?

I wouldn't crucify a man for slapping an unfaithful partner, who may or may not have infected him. Like I said its one of those shades of grey incidents.

Original poster
bowlingforsoup · 13/05/2013 16:45

Im a bit scared about replying but reading through the replies since last night, I thought it would be better if I did.

I felt awful last night after some of the replies i got on here. I honestly did not realise that I was such an awful person for being forgiving and trying to fix a relationship instead of just walking away. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to start over again.

Like I said last night, I chose to stay with my partner so it's up to me to deal with the consequences.

He came home last night and brought a friend with him. I wasn't happy but nothing was said at all about him leaving his phone. I won't go into details but I was right and my instincts were bang on.

If someone could please tell me how to get a thread removed, I'd appreciate it.

OP posts:
mummytime · 13/05/2013 16:48

If you report it, and ask them to remove it, they often will.

BabsAndTheRu · 13/05/2013 16:49

To get a thread removed you just press the report button and ask them to remove it. Op so sorry for the replies you got last night, very very unhelpful, hope everything is going to be okay for you and you have good family support. Take care of you and your little ones.

BabsAndTheRu · 13/05/2013 16:54

Have to just add some of you on here should be ashamed of yourselves, a heavily pregnant woman looking for advice and you verbally attack her and make her feel worse, well done everybody, hope your proud. This is someone's life and heartbreak. Maybe sometimes think a bit before posting. Would you say some of those things to people in the real world?

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/05/2013 16:55

Your instincts sounded bang on to me. He's a pig and he's still shagging her, isn't he?
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your child.
When I drank alcohol, vodka and I didn't get along either Wink
Hope you are ok.

towicymru · 13/05/2013 16:56

Sorry to hear you were right. I can see why you wanted to stay after the first time and I would have reacted the same as you if someone was rubbing my face in it.

You need to focus on what you want for your future both short term & long term. I know you are expecting soon so the idea of being on your own might be daunting but will be staying in this situation be worse?

I don't have any answers I'm afraid but there are a lot of women on here who have been in a similar situation and can perhaps advise better. Good luck x

Ezza1 · 13/05/2013 17:07

Sorry to hear that bowling. Well done for coming back in here though. I certainly would not have done after such shoddy treatment from certain posters.

Take care of yourself. Ive been in your situation with the toddler/pregnant/unfaithful partner mix, its not good, it can fuck a persons mental health up. Try and stay strong. I hope you have some good RL support but try not to feel too afraid about coming back here. There are some lovely members with sound advice, its just a shame it was the others about last night x