I have done something silly

[bowlingforsoup]

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

Of course I would. But however much we might like to demonize the OW, I think the responsibility for a man's relationship and the happiness and the stability of his children lies with him every time - not her. Whoever she may be and whatever her motives or her morals are.

And I would never grab anyone by the throat in the pub. Not my style.

In fact I wouldn't even indulge in a slanging match over a man. I know I just would never to do it.

That's not to say it would be wrong to scream and shout at her, but it would not be my way.

Being pissed off with OW > fine
Physically assaulting OW, attempting to choke her > criminal

DP happening to be in the same pub with former OW > fine
DP going out to this pub every single night while pregnant OP broods at home > not fine at all

exactly Cote.

I am sorry for calling you a skank. That was very nasty of me.

To be honest, the only way I have heard the word skank used in daily speech, was by my Welsh friend from Uni, describing the going ons between a couple of other mates of her, it included cheating on their partners, sexual promiscuity, drinking in the pub every day and getting off with each-other, and getting into cat-fights. She was mighty fed up. The first word that sprang to mind when I read your posts were "that sounds like Liz's skanky friends" I honestly did not realize it was such a nasty word.

OP, you really need to reconsider the company you keep. You have a child, soon two. And you have hooked up with a serial cheater who spends every night at the pub in the company of his OW. This is not a good atmosphere to raise children in. He is a shit. HE is a shit. Stop blaming her. She made no wows to you. She is not the father of your children. HE should not even be interested!

It's fine to contribute with your point of view; it's fine to disagree with the OP, but name calling and reductive/offensive comments (Jeremy Kyle, etc) is just not on.

Ledkr, I think you'll find that said posters (if I got them correctly) were not fried to a crisp.

However, we are not in the habit of automatically going poor hun, just because the OP is a woman (or a hairy trucker).

What we talked about on a different thread was about abuse creeping in.
In this case, we have a pub confrontation, with the OP losing it and assaulting another woman, but effectively excusing her partner.
Yes, she needs a reality check.

Wow. Definitely some nasty comments. Just ignore OP. As you say you came for advice not to be torn apart. We are not all the same, nor do we tolerate or act the same - some of the previous comments were judgemental and actually shameful. I hope you are ok. It is very easy to judge a situation when you are on the outside looking in. But until you make the choice to leave - you hang on. It's what a lot of women do.

I've done nutty things under emotional duress - things I'm not proud of but that I regret. Unfortunately we aren't all as perfect as some posters. Please don't stop coming here for help because of a few bitchy judgemental comments.

Re the texting - I'd say nothing and see what happens...

Hugs xx

I am shocked at what I've read in this forum. How horribly unsupportive and judgey. OP take no notice of some of the rubbish thrown at you on this thread.
OBVIOUSLY it was very wrong of OP to grab ow by the throat. OP clearly knows this,she's been honest about it and obviously is ashamed of it. The throat grabbing isn't what's in question here, but all you holier than thou posters are hanging on to this fact and then name calling the OP should be ashamed of yourselves
OP what an awful situation to be in. You deserve much better than this man OP. I hope you find the strength to start planning to leave this awful man.
And for the record although again OBVIOUSLY the cheating man is the one by far the most at fault, a woman who deliberately chases an attached man with children is the lowest of the low and were this done to me I'd think very very badly of her as does OP.
Give the OP a break. Reading this would put me off posting for advice. How nitpicky, judgemental and cruel towards a heavily pregnant woman who is having a bloody terrible time of it.
Shame on some of you.

Isn't a hug = o

So hugs = oo

We don't get much Nethunnery around here, so a bit hazy on the fundamentals of xoxoxo business

Me neither felatio but when I caught dh out I did feel like it trust me I chose dignity which now ten years later still seems to confuse her as I smile sweetly when I pick up dc.
And lweji we read different threads tbh ill try to link later but there are a lot of double standards on this thread and I think it was. Dreadful way to treat a fellow human being who was struggling already.

Op,I hope you are ok this morning,and that last night didn't create too much stress for you.I am truly shocked by the responses you got last night,and wanted to post just to show you some support.
As for the posters who felt it was acceptable to name call,heap the blame onto op and generally speak as the voice of 'this forum' this is meant to be a forum where posters ask for advice,op did not come on here to have her character dissected and her violent outburst held against her she did something silly by using her dp phone and asked for advice on that.
I don't think anybody thinks she was justified in her reaction by grabbing the ow by the throat,but fgs she speaks as if she's being pushed and taunted by someone who appears to flaunt the fact she's sleeping with another womans dp.I don't condone it but that wasn't what she came on here to ask about.
Op is pregnant,has a child and has a cheating loser as a partner,she needs support,not to be told she's a skank or that people don't like the sound of her-and as per usual the AF bandwagon jumps on and agrees with her.btw AF you don't speak for 'this forum' or what it stands for.
And quint it's good that you have apologised for calling op a skank but by your own admission you said you didn't know what the word really meant,adding to the unnecesary name calling of the op which again so many seemed to latch onto.
I hope op will come back as it's clear she needs help,as I have read far too often an op says she won't bother to return as the answers have descended into nasty name calling,judging etc then who do these people turn to?

Good posts, southbank and Ledkr.

southbank, I dont think people latched on to me calling her something nasty, people were mostly horrified at me and told me off, not the op. As it should be. If anything, it derailed the thread, and that I am also sorry for.

good for you quint*

Op i have only read your first post.

How are you?

I dont think it matters if he admitts it or not if you dont trust him and he is not helping you trust him the relationship is over.

Im sorry but i think you need to plan leaving and rasing your kids on your own.

Find someone that loves you and your little family xx

1st off I hope your ok op!!

God this poor womam has asked for advice why the hell is she getting such horrible abuse directed at her? Give her a break

Op I know you position well my dh cheated years ago on me before we were married, we split then decided to make a go of it and 99% of the time we have a very happy married life so it is possible to forgive and move on.
For what its worth I would have sent the text to I then would have frog marched to the pub and caused a massive seen if your dh/dp is involved with this woman again I would say it's time to call it quits yougave him a chamce before if it didn't work he does not deserve another.

You went on your gut feeling and I am sure most would so don't beat yourself up. As for the other woman it's perfectly acceptable to hate her!! Grabbing her round the throats is not a great moment to have but under the circumstances it's understandable we all have no idea know matter whatwe say how ee would react in the same situation especially with alcohol involved.

I would wait to see what dh/dp says when he comes in and take it from there, you've seen it all before so I am sure you can gauge his reaction and take the right action .

Hope you get to the bottom of whats going on as your kids deserve a stable homelife as do you.

It looks like the op will not be posting anymore, don't blame her, she already acknowledged the throat incident was not her finest hour. I am glad others have since been along to say how awful the treatment of op has been on here. And if an ow were to post on here, she gets a total roasting. Mumsnet is becoming vicious !!
Op, if you see this..you know that all those deleted texts are missing because he does not want you to see them. You deserve much better than this. Good luck with the birth and hope you have lots of (good and empathic) support around you x x

Hi all,

Can we please remind everyone of our Talk guidelines - it is fine to disagree but we do draw the line at personal attacks.

Please do report any to us that you see and many thanks for those who have reported.

Well looking at her posting history, he went straight to the pub from work and stayed out until gone 2.30 am on Saturday, and yet he was back there again until late on Sunday night in psite of the fact that the OP was quite ill on Saturday night and Sunday morning, as is heavily PG with child 2.

And presumably he was in the company of a girl he has slept with since the first child was born.

I'd say she's got bigger problems than being called names by us lot. Poor girl.

Well, now OP, I am no doubt projecting or something, but when I was pregnant with my now 6 yo, my life was classic Jeremy Kyle, thanks mainly to my dp (he is dp still) who did some things that were so awful that my life was just one long emotional outburst for a while.

I was absolutely desperate then, and I don't (just) mean desperate to hang on to him . I was desperate to hang on to my sanity, Some things he did I will probably never post on here as frankly, I'm ashamed of the way I let him treat me. I thought the world had gone mad, and if you are feeling that desperation then you have my sympathy.

I also did several stupid things, I'm not proud of them. They included violence, or attempts at violence (against him). Rather pathetic in the end. I'm not condoning anything like that, rather trying to understand where your head is at.

Anyway, you're not alone in the things you're going through/have gone through.

The only concrete thing that helped me get a grip was getting rid of him, getting my life back on track and accepting that he was a shit and we were well rid.

Yes fellatio that's what I meant by my thread. It's really sad that some people feel powerless to put an end to what must be an awful life.
I just hope my dds will not ever tolerate such nonsense.
Let's not forget that it's this idiot who is behaving like a tool towards the mother of his chikdren which will actually massively impact upon them.
What's wrong with some people?

(which I did ie get rid -the above doesn't read entirely right as we got back together after a very long time apart, but that is a another story)

OP, I hope you are ok. I feel bad about the way your posting asking for help has turned nasty. This is normally a forum to get help and if some answers are completely awful, it doesn't mean we are all like that.

Look at your situation, find RL support and deal with your partner who seems to be taking the piss. In the pub every night?

You have not done anything silly checking his phone. It may have been the one good thing to finally see the truth and make a decision about this relationship.