I have done something silly

[bowlingforsoup]

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

dd that Make you feel better?being a sarky cow to a pg woman
Gosh aren't you the better person
you know what op might be misguided about her man but she doesn't nee the mn massive being cunts

Yeah i must be a skank.

That would really explain why I get cheated on, slagged to high heaven on a public forum by people who don't know me, be told how awful it is that I'm angry with another woman for attempting to break up my relationship, to be angry with him for doing it in the first place and to be stupid enough to even ask for advice in the first place.

I must have deserved it all.

I actually hate this forum.

Direct your anger at him not other women, or forums.

I don't condone the violence but I do see where you're coming from with regards to the ow.

It does take two and the ow is at least partly responsible especially if she knew about you.

The main reason you're still paranoid and checking phones is that your 'd' p is still going out and still drinking in the same pub as this ow. What has he actually done since discovery of the affair to show you he's changed?

By all accounts it sounds like he's taking the piss and he's up to his old tricks leaving you feeling vunerable.

that's fine

this forum expects men to take responsibility for their actions

and will never, ever condone taking other women by the throat

it might not be the place for you, I hope you find somewhere that does

it won't be of any help whatsoever, though

the best advice you will ever get it is to quit any misogyny which plays into cheating men's hands so effectively and keep your violent hands to yourself

just walk away with your dignity

FFS i am NOT violent!!!

I said it wasn't my finest moment, I'd had a fair bit to drink and her friends were winding the situation up resulting in her very smugly telling me she had been seeing him. This caused me to lose my temper and grab her. I have never done anything like that before and never have since.

IS THIS CLEAR ENOUGH - HE IS MAINLY TO BLAME FOR CHEATING. I KNOW THIS. I HAVE NEVER ONCE SAID OR MADE OUT THAT IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT. HOWEVER, I ALSO BLAME HER FOR THE CHASING KNOWING FULL WELL THAT SHE WAS GOING AFTER A MAN WHO HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND CHILD.

he's been there once

he's back there again

whose fault is that, do you think ?

clue : it's all his

She offered herself to him.
He had a choice.
He took the wrong choice.
Its not like she held a gun up to his head and said right fuck me now.

You are really angry with the wrong person.

People get propositioned all the time. Just decent people say no and walk away.

And IF the fool fucked another person, if they were truly sorry they would do everything to avoid that person if they really wanted to make amends with the person they cheated on. They would not go to the same pub. They certainly wouldn't continue to text the person.

He has NO respect for you.

Time to kick the fool to the gutter.

Just forget about all that for a second and concentrate on what you're going to do tonight.

Are you going to confront him about being in the pub with ex OW?

If you do confront him are you going to admit to sending the text?

If you don't confront him, do you think he will mention the text?

Do you think he deliberately left his phone at home so you can't contact him?

right.

1. op you're pg,with small kid and shagger man.understandably upset but you're posts are v orientated on what a dirty Trollop lassie is.your poor man just lead by the dick?Actually he chooses to be poonhound, he chooses to be out every night
2. people are understandably reacting to tone of your posts, certainly grabbing other lassie by throat doesn't cover you in glory.in fact it makes you a big of a raver. however I don't think you need the mn massive clutching their hummus aghast at you,or calling you a skank

3 you need to reframe how you see this. he has proven record of shagging.youre at home pg,crying,breaking your heart.is this really how you wanted lif to be?when you were wee girl did you dream of being settling for this life?

I hope you remain well
I hope you have good mw, gp and confidant
I hope you make right decision

You have to ask yourself why there's still texts going on between the two of them?

He should be at home with you now, working at your relationship, the one he destroyed. Where is he though? in a pub possibly meeting the ow.

Boundaries should now be in place OP, if he's not prepared to work at repairing the damage you need to ask yourself if this is worth it.

Bowlingforsoup - I am so sorry you are going through this.
It must be awful to be stuck indoors, pregnant whilst your untrustworthy oh is out.
I would stay quiet and see whether he brings the subject up. If he does deny it. I think that even if he knew that you had text her he wouldn't say anything.
Nobody knows how they would react unless they were in your shoes.
The thing is when your trust has been betrayed you will be forever looking over your shoulder. Which is awful it makes you paranoid.
Hope you get strength to sort it out.
Xx

I think the reason you're finding it hard to trust him is because his behaviour is inherently untrustworthy. You know that he has cheated on you before, with this woman, and the text messages are deleted. the problem is not your lack of trust.

It's worrying that you've mentioned the throat-grabbing incident in such a throwaway manner- of course both OW and your H are in the wrong in terms of adultery, but to put your hands around someone else's throat is a violent act, no matter how short your fuse. What worries me most is that you seem to be normalising violence- forgive me if this is way off, but have you been a victim of violence yourself? If you are in an abusive household, then the main priority is to protect your children.

What time does he usually get home?
Does he have a history of violence?

Do you have anywhere to go with your child if the shit hits the fan tonight?

Scottishmummy what's a raver?!

Bowling I hope it goes ok tonight.

there's more daft theories here than diagnosis murder
knock yourselves out
call a pg woman names,congratulate selves you do mingle in such circles

OP are you ok? you are v pg and this is crap territory emotionally.

if I had found what you did, I would immediately assume that he was still cheating. BUT - I have in the past had intermittent contact with an ex p, it was a relationship finished before DH so no cheating, but DH always jealous of this guy. I like and miss ex p and occasionally, maybe every couple of months, we send friendly messages /emails - about his DDs, my DD, since born - and I delete them. because I can't be arsed with a fight with DH. though I feel I have nothing to hide (other than, I suppose, wanting to be in touch with ex p here and there and not feeling like I have to justify it).

Not convinced that's what's going on here, since this was cheating, and hundreds of texts is hardly occasional. But, you know, fwiw.

Back to tonight - is DP home? are you ok, do you feel safe with him? I think you can wait and see if he says anything, but if he doesn't, you're going to have to bring it up, aren't you.

The only silly thing you've done is stay with someone who cheated on you and who you clearly don't trust not to cheat on you again. Why would you want to live your life like this?

Is this 'man' such a prize? Start making plans to leave him.

It's fowl to call another woman a 'skank', fucking horrid. Shame on you, Quint.

Hope you're OK, OP.

I am shocked by some of the responses to the OP on here.

Calling her a skank? Really? Among other things.

OP, ignore the people attacking you.

You know what you need to do - be the bigger person and make plans to leave him. Ignore this other woman, she's not worth it. Concentrate on yourself and your children and what's best for you. It's obvious as hell that staying in this little triangle is not what's best for any of you.

I don't think it's fair to call the OP a skank.

You can get yourself out of this, you don't actually need these people. This other woman is irrelevant, if not her, it would be someone else. You can't force trust in a situation where a person gives you no reason to trust them.

Tell your midwife what is going on and she will support you, this kind of upset at any time would be awful but with 3 weeks left of your pregnancy it's the last thing you need.

Quint are you drunk? What a nasty thing to say.

OP he just isn't that into you. Gather your strength and your dignity and consider how you ccan leave this unpleasant relationship. You can do it.