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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done something silly

175 replies

bowlingforsoup · 12/05/2013 21:55

DP left his phone. I don't trust him yet due to cheating etc in the past. We are trying to move forward.

I couldn't help myself so I had a nose through the phone. Months worth of text messages to workmates, me, his mum etc etc. I noticed the other day Cass (they have sec history) had text him but strangely none of those texts were in the inbox.

I looked at his call log and sure enough there were records of hundreds of texts sent between him and her over the past few months. I don't know what it was about it was just times and dates of sent and received messages.

I decided to text her pretending to be him to see what happened.

Nothing really much was said just hello, what you doing etc.

DP is in the pub. Turns out she is on her way to that pub with a friend.

they will chat and realise that he didn't text her and that it was me that was texting pretending to be him.

I shouldn't have done it. He will be so pissed off with me when he gets home later.

What I don't get though is why he deleted all the texts in the first place? It was only hers that were deleted, nobody else's.

It seemed a bit strange to me which is why I looked.

How do I explain myself?

He will never admit to anything going on between them now if there is. Also, if there has been something going on surely I've just pushed them further together?

It all comes back to my lack of trust.

OP posts:
runningforme · 13/05/2013 00:08

Wow, why the attacks on the OP? She is a heavily pregnant woman who's going through a hard time when she should be preparing for the birth of her child. Nobody can claim to have always reacted in the best way in an emotionally charged situation. And some of you have decided she's a skank - based on what exactly?

Some women do choose to stay with a partner after they have cheated, especially when there are kids and joint finances involved. That doesn't make her a skank or whatever else you choose to call her. Seeing as though you have made a character judgement based on a few posts, allow me to do the same and call you lot out for being so disgraceful. You sound horrid delightful. Hmm

OP whilst I agree that a woman shouldn't chase a man she knows is attached, the onus is on the attached man to not cheat. If this is his behaviour after knowing the hurt from a previous affair, then he isn't worth it. In your position, I would be making plans for a life without him. You deserve better.

WafflyVersatile · 13/05/2013 00:24

It's not right to call her a skank but I thought that was in response to her calling the OW a skank.

iloveweetos · 13/05/2013 00:38

Hope you're ok OP

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/05/2013 00:55

Bowlingforsoup, you do have a lot on your plate.
Imho, it appears that your p is continuing his relationship with the OW. I am sorry for you about that. Also, just guessing of course, but perhaps he wants an open relationship and is just getting on with it as he may think the odds too high to find an agreeable "home" partner openly and honestly?

Being in the pub, with the group ridiculing you about your partner's blatant disrespect for you, must have been awful. Can you see that anyone who participated in that is not your friend? Imho, they were using you for entertainment, and you provided it. Sorry but you were baited and fell for it. Please make a plan of action, like walking calmly out of the pub and leaving, even without comment...easier said than done in the moment, with seemingly everyone howling in laughter at you, but 1) you can not trust yourself to stay in that situation, and 2) in doing this you will maintain your own self respect and dignity.

Personally, if I knew that is where the OW went, I'd never go there again. Give up the drink before being in the same place as her...besides it doesn't really sound like a very nice place anyway .

If I were you, I would firstly move towards emotional detachment from your p. Not wanting an open relationship, this is a deal breaker. You won't/can't change him. No rowing, arguing, sarcasm, not even a dark look, ok? He is just a roommate. You know it is over, but he doesn't need to, yet. This is solely for you to have your baby in a (somewhat Hmm ) peaceful environment, bide your time.

Make plans privately over the next few weeks, have your baby, recover from that (and I hope everything goes well for you with the birth), and then proceed with reorganizing housing.

After that, please consider reading up on anger management...plenty of books available on Amazon or perhaps local library...or even pursue counseling. Drunk or not, that episode is a wake up call and I recommend dealing with it before your dc wind you up (and they will), because then, there will be no excuses.

Ezza1 · 13/05/2013 01:24

Some of the replies to this thread make depressing reading.

OP, I hope all is well.

Roseflowers · 13/05/2013 01:35

Logging in from being a lurker to say that the way the the OP is being spoken to here by some member is pretty disgusting. I'm sorry, but the OW in question DID have a choice about pursuing a man she knew was married (and then taunting his wife with details of their affair!) which makes her less than a stellar person. By no means is the OP a skank, what an utterly awful thing to say. BTW, I've been a victim of violence (domestic violence none the less) and am not condoning it but I don't think the OP deserves the horrible comments she's had in this thread for a drunken error. Bowling, for the record I'd just dump him, for the seemingly continued infidelity. Wishing you strength in this difficult time

GColdtimer · 13/05/2013 02:17

So this forum will (rightly) never condone a woman being held by her throat but will condone a woman being called a skank.

Genuinely confused.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2013 02:24

Erm, 'this forum' does not have a unified voice. I don't think the posters who were condeming the OP's physical assault on someone were all or necessarily the same posters as those calling other people skanks.

runningforme · 13/05/2013 02:40

Errr did you read quint's post SGB?

GColdtimer · 13/05/2013 03:09

Well AF obviously felt she could speak for "this forum". They weren't my words. They were hers. At the same time decreeing she didn't like the sound of the OP and perhaps she should find another forum. Someone else, perhaps it was you SGB that suggested the OP was the perpetrator of domestic violence and the DP was too scared to come home.

Honestly, i don't condone having another woman round the throat but I really don't think OP has deserved the hard time she has had on here. And it's bullshit to say that we shouldn't blame the OW. OW who are fully aware if the existence of partner and dc generally get a really hard time on here.

That said OP, he doesn't sound like a keeper. Shagging around and at the pub every night with child and pg DP at home. I would tell him you sent the text if he asks because you don't trust him. And why would you?

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 06:33

What's wrong with some of you? Jeeeze. This is when it's hard to disagree about the bullying on here. Poor woman. I hope she hasn't done anything silly. This is relationships not AIBU a lot of us have known how it feels to be cheated on so some empathy wouldn't go amiss especially as she's heavily pg and responsible for a child.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 06:37

Yes toofalls I've seen ow posters anialated by mn for sure.
This was a case of jumping on the band wagon I'm afraid.

Leverette · 13/05/2013 06:46

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Lweji · 13/05/2013 06:50

About the throat incident, the OP was lucky not to have the police called on her.
It is not like a slap. Holding by the throat is quite serious.

You really should have walked away from all this if it made you that mad.

And knowing it is known to all and that her OH is still going to the same places as the OW, is beyond my comprehension.
You clearly don't trust him even after a few years and even chose to have a baby.

Feeling very sad for you and I hope you finally find the strength to remove yourself from this train wreck.

HousewifeFromHeaven · 13/05/2013 06:53

I can't believe what I am reading.

Hope you are ok this morning op.

AllOverIt · 13/05/2013 06:57

What a nasty thread! Hope you're okay this morning OP.

What happened when he got home?

TheRealFellatio · 13/05/2013 06:58

Only on page 1 so far, but I have to say I agree with Anyfucker. what a depressing mess. How about you focus a bit more on the fuckwit you've chosen to have a child with, and a bit less about how Cass chooses to spend her personal time?

TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 13/05/2013 07:01

Wow. Some of these replies are disgusting. How supportive! Op, I hope you're ok, I can imagine this made you feel ten times worse.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 07:02

felatio was it you who was telling me yesterday that its not always that easy to end a relationship? I'm sure being weeks from givi g birth is one of those times. I'm confused now.

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 07:07

lweji weren't you also banging on about it not being easy to leave yet you are now giving op short shrift for being with a loser??

kneedeepindaisies · 13/05/2013 07:12

I think everyone on this thread needs to remember that the OP is heavily pregnant and in a particularly shit situation.

She has already admitted that she made a mistake regarding attacking OW.
However she didn't come in here to ask AIBu for grabbing OW by the throat! She asked for some advice regarding a text message.

OP, I would ask for this thread to be deleted or hide it. I hope everything is ok this morning.

Obviously you have a lot of thinking to do regarding your situation but Please don't be afraid to post here again. You are welcome on this forum.

TheRealFellatio · 13/05/2013 07:22

I haven't told her to end her relationship. I've implied that she should look a bit further afield than to the OW to lay her blame.

I never fail to be amazed at how low the standards are of so many women when picking fathers for their children. I depresses me no end that so many women will settle so quickly for so little.

I don't like the way she goes to pubs and grabs women by the throat while tanked up on vodka. I don't like the way she lets herself be wound up by the OW's friends (who all sound about 14.) The whole thing is undignified.

But mostly I don't like the way she speaks about the OW. It smacks of 'my poor dim DP, he's just a simple man lead by his cock - what is he to do when a slapper like that drops her knickers and offers it to him on a plate? He's only human.' Hmm

And I don't like the way that her 'DP' seems to spends half his life in the pub in spite of having a small child and one on the way.

but perhaps it's just me. Confused

You can tell me I'm being smug now. GrinWink

Lweji · 13/05/2013 07:27

I didn't call him a loser, btw.

Recognising that it's difficult to leave doesn't mean we shouldn't point out that it's best to.
It doesn't mean we have to say there, there.

I analysed the situation for what it was and hoped the OP the strength to leave.
Thus recognising it's difficult.

If I was giving short shrift, it would have been a different post. :)

Personally, I'd find that at this stage of pregnancy it is best that the OP leaves, particularly if she gets so wound up about it. Not healthy.

I know someone who has left her cheating OH in the very latest stages of pregnancy and it was definitely the best for her, even if hard.

kneedeepindaisies · 13/05/2013 07:30

I don't like any of things either Fellatio.

I'm annoyed that she is with a man that is making her feel so shit about herself that she believes all this behaviour (both his and hers) is normal.

I wish she would believe she is better off without him but its probably a case of better the devil you know Hmm

Ledkr · 13/05/2013 07:45

Well I don't think you are being smug tbh but both posts do sound a tad like the one you both criticised me for yesterday. just saying
Also recently there was a few threads where the ow posted and was flamed to a crisp by some of the posters who are now saying its not their fault at all. And come on you lot are you seriously telling me you'd not be pissed off with someone who shagged your dh knowing he was married? Really?