Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Hello lovely Skye, so pleased you are on. You are right I do not want him to ruin my life, every day I am showering, doing my hair, make up. But I have no heart in it, there seems no point. Just feel so so sad and teary tonight. My friend phoned earlier on and she does not keep very well herself but her husband is always so lovely and considerate with her.
Why did mine go away? I always made the effort for him, he was not my carer, why? Not sure I will ever know the answer to that.
Counsellor says a definite mid life crisis. But that doesn't make it any better does it? Feel so alone tonight.
How did you manage to get to the year point Skye? I feel like my heart will break with the grief of it.

skye you give such good advice :)

MrsM you think i sound normal and grounded!! Only way i've got through nearly five years, is just get through the next minute, hour or half a day, depending on how i'm feeling, then you do it all again. And keep doing it.

Don't know how i still laugh and smile when my eldest son is dead, but i do, but at the same time i'm still struggling, can't sleep and on AD, have lots of phobias but i'm still working and doing my best for my two youngest sons. They give me reason to be alive, as your daughters and new grandchild when they arrive will.

Don't worry about the long term scale, just concentrate on getting through tonight, then do the same tomorrow. Just keep on doing it, then one day you will look back and realise you've somehow got through a few more months, and you'll have achieved things for the first time, that will give you the strength to carry on day by day, and don't think we'll ever get a truthful reason for the end of our marriages, doubt we'd ever believe a word our exs would say in the future any way.

All we can do is make the best of the rest of our lives, and do our best for our children however old they are xx

I think you've been given very bad advice Mrs. M to wait until he divorces you. That could be a long time coming and meanwhile you'll be dependent on the crumbs he thinks you deserves. Far better surely to divorce him citing unreasonable behaviour and go for the one-off settlement and continuing child maintenance so you can get back on your feet?

Have to say, I agree with Badinage

I would divorce the SOB as fast as you can, if for no other reason than arranging a financial settlement so you are not living on his ;crumbs' That does nothing to help your sense of self-worth.

The reason lawyer said that is because then exh will need to pay for the divorce rather than myself.
I would like to do it, but it will cost about £90000. A heck of a lot of money.
I keep praying to win that amount on the lottery!!

I feel so tired with the strain of it all, my youngest daughter said to me today that she is so embarrassed and ashamed at the way her father has behaved. She is right, she has heard the abuse when he thought I was on my own, the constant lies, and how he is keeping us short of money, as well as his philandering behaviour. She is right, she is so right.

Joy, am on anti d's too, but they are helping. And yes, you really do sound so grounded and normal, after everything that has happened to you, you really do! You are going out to work and you are bringing up your two boys on your own, after everything that has happened to you, you are doing it! You are bloody amazing Joy and don't you forget it. That would have crumbled a heck of a lot of people but you are doing it.

£9000.! Is what it should cost! Not £90000.!! Blinking well hope not!!

Joy you are amazing. you have gone through so much more than me. I feel guilty sometimes for feeling upset over my situation , but the counsellor said today that "your problems are as valid to you as everybody else's are to them" so don't beat yourself up about it.....

*MrsM - do you mean £9000? That is a lot, but £90000 seems rather a lot for a divorce .

To be honest, I divorced my Twunt ASAP mainly due to advice on here, but because I knew that he would get into debt and I didnt want to get dragged down with him. i went for Unreasonable Behaviour as it was the only thing I could use without waiting 2 years, as had no actual proof of adultery, just a lot of texts. thousands, but that is not evidence . I had legal aid, so I didn't have to pay any legal fees, but I did have to pay £340 for filing the petition and then 3 x £45 to file each bit of paperwork. My XH didn't have to pay that because I was the one who filed.

He did have to pay solicitors fees and I have no idea how much he paid. If you can sort things out fairly easily, there is no reason why it should cost thousands. You can even divorce online. you could deal with some of it yourself to save money. It should only cost thousands if it goes to court.

Regarding how I got here, well it just happened. After XH left, I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying, shaking, felt sick all the time, existed on a banana, half a sandwich and a multivitamin a day, lost 3 stone in a matter of weeks. I went onto the anti D's because I was sick of crying every day. My head just span with what was going on, why did he, how could he.... I booked myself the counselling because I needed help to get through it all. Once the anti d's kicked in, I started to feel better, the appetite came back, I was able to function.

I hated the Queen's Jubilee, it was two months after he left. Sitting down to a street party with all families, and just me and DD, it nearly killed me. But I did it. i did it for DD, who needed fun and laughter and stability.

I cried on my friends, I cried on my family, I even cried on my clients , who thankfully were all very understanding.

But one day turned into another, turned into a week, turned into a month, and suddenly a year had gone by. I still can't believe that, it some ways it still feels like it happened yesterday. Although I still get upset sometimes, I am calmer about it all now, I have lost the panic and anxiety.

You will get there, I promise. Your DD's are already seeing him for who he really is and you will get there too.

My counsellor said today - You have one wish, what would it be.... A few months ago I would have said, I want him back. Today I said - I want to turn back time and for this to have never happened..... i don't want that man back, the man he is now, he is not the man that i fell in love with. the man that I knew, would never have done that to me....

sorry to ramble on. I hope I help. if I don't, tell me to sod off

Does this solicitor specialise in divorce and asset division?

I'd get another quote if I were you Mrs M. A good solicitor will recoup your costs in any case via a good settlement. How about posting in Legal? There are lots of great lawyers on that board and they'd be able to tell you whether that figure's accurate and also what factors you ought to take into account in your settlement e.g. proportion of his pension fund, due recompense for child-rearing, proportion of other assets like the house etc.

It really isn't good for you to be dependent on this bloke for your very survival, especially as he's got an OW yanking his chain and he's already been bullying you about finances and the house. Please consider getting some alternative advice.

Mrsmciver, I'm still reading your thread, but have taken a while to join in. I'm sorry this has happened to you (and all the other folk in this position), and yes I'm going through the same sort of thing. I agree it's hard to look at a future without the other half you were attached to, and you have to remember that this is bereavement. If you've ever grieved for someone who died, you know it's a long job, and it's up and down along the way. When it's a husband who's off having his mid-life crisis leaving you with 20-30 years of memories to brood on, it's a messy kind of bereavement. How do you grieve for someone who keeps appearing, who you still love quite a bit despite everything, who you hate at the same time but who you depend on in some way still ? it's not surprising you feel like you're going mad!

I think it's also harder to deal with this when you have been the 'smaller' half in a marriage ? and maybe that's the case if you've been unwell, unable to work etc, because you rely much more on them then ? and are maybe even defined by them. So when they go bugger off, the shock is so much greater. It's like: 'I'm nothing without him!' isn't it? So as well as trying to deal with the loss and everything that means, loneliness, fear, anxiety, being skint - you've also somehow got to crawl out from your shell, with this burden and start to become a new you (who is 'something' without him). It's hard! But finding yourself is where to start, little things that you can do, enjoy, achieve ? anything whatever that can make you feel good about yourself.

I wish I had a magic wand for everyone in this situation, I wish I could wake up and it be all a dream, but we're here, with the remnants of our past life ? trying to figure out how the hell life can ever feel worthwhile again. So, without wanting to ramble on too much ? I just wanted to say, thanks for sharing your feelings, and making me feel normal (strong one day, suicidal the next!). The other folk posting on here are telling us we'll get there in the end, so, think how strong we've been so far (you're ironing??) and forgive the bad days (it's grief, it's ok to be really bad).

For you OP and anyone else whose heart is broken. This poem has meant a lot to me. God bless Derek Walcott

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Derek Walcott

Mrs M, good morning. I do agree with badinage - do post in legal as I do think it would be better for you to divorce him.

What amazing posts on here mrs !

I agree with badinage - great advice. the lawyer will be paid out of your settlement, so you don't have to find money up-front. There are a number of ways you can pay for you lawyer - eg I paid for my divorce over years and years, a certain amount a month. In your case it would be best to go for a settlement (a lump sum) so you won't be dependent on him mucking about every month.

I'm so sorry he is treating you so badly. It is unforgiveable to keep you short of money, truly low. My ex's barrister said he had never had a client who fought so hard to give me and the kids nothing - my husband was very wealthy.

Is he self-employed btw?

I've come back to say I really don't understand why your lawyer has advised you to wait for your husband to divorce you?? It makes no sense, and puts you very much on the back foot - when you are already on the back foot re what this shit has done to you. I just don't get where the lawyer is coming from at all.

If you are proactive about this ie divorcing him, it gives you a sense of control, which is valuable when he has called all the shots and is shitting on you from a height.

I also think that in some instances (eg a situation like this), lawyers fees are an essential expense. yy it's silly money, but you can't afford not to pay it iyswim! The alternative doesn't bear thinking about - entirely at his (nonexistent) mercy. If your house is worth eg £100K, then £9K is 'nothing'. See what I mean? Plus you should get a good lump sum if he is well-off, out of which you could easily pay for the divorce. I found it helped to ignore the extra noughts; that it's budgeting the same as day-to-day budgeting iyswim - eg you're dealing with thousands, instead of hundreds/tens, to pay for essential expenses.

That seems very expensive! I may have been lucky (we can see what the girls here had to pay) but mine cost me 1500 all in.

Oh skye ..... you do have a wonderful way of expressing feelings in the written word. Today I said - I want to turn back time and for this to have never happened..... i don't want that man back, the man he is now, he is not the man that i fell in love with. the man that I knew, would never have done that to me....

I felt that way for so long!! the whole "I will wake up and discover it was just a dream". Because actually having the bastard that does it to you back isn't the wish at all!! if they came back you would never have the same relationship again. You just want the whole bloody mess to have been a dream. But actually, distance may show you that the life you had was not all that you imagined it to be.

One very old friend (we went to school together) and my beloved, amazing DD's are the ones who woke me to reality, and it took a long long time. My whole married life was some fantasy in my head that I had a good marriage with a man I believed I could trust to the ends of the earth. What a sham. It was actually highly controlled and emotionally abusive, he was a miser, and had slept with god knows how many other people. My entire personality changed over the years. It took the old friend to tell me (a few years after divorce) that it was good to finally have back the girl that she remembered!!

Another friend asked me, before I divorced (and at the point where my ex was actually begging for me not to go through with it) if I was sure that I wanted to give up my comfortable existence. She stayed with someone who very occasionally hit her ...because she loves the rest of her lifestyle).

My answer then was upset and tentative. I still have the same answer, but now it is loud, clear ... and strong
I am the now the woman I should always have been. I would not go back to being a second class partner in a manipulative relationship if you gave me a million pounds !!!! All the cuddles, money and 'safety' in the world don't amount to a hill of beans against the feeling of being in control of my own life.

Thank you all for your posts, they all speak such sense, and for the lovely poem too, thank you.
I was in town today trying to sell some of my jewellery, but it was more the gold than diamonds that most were interested in, so I am going to try some more specialist shops further afield, I have never been so embarrassed. That bastard is keeping us so short of money.
I would never want that man back, not the man he has become, that loathsome pig of a man who could do this to his wife of 27 years and put himself before his daughters at this time in their lives. He is beyond contempt. My daughters and myself are kind, considerate people who have empathy for others but not this man, never will I ever consider him in anything ever again.
He has lost everything and he does not see it, he has put himself first, a decent man would not do that, he is not who I thought he was, I have been so blinkered.
Every morning I wake up and the reality of it all hits me like a sledgehammer, thank god I am on the anti d's, as they are helping. Before them I was being physically sick too, had the shakes and severe panic attacks, I was a mess. But I will not go down without a fight.....
I will hit him where it hurts the most.
Ladies, the hate I feel for that man now, I have never felt hate like that in my life! He will not break me, or my daughters.
I think I have gone into some realm beyond bereavement! Wish he had actually died, it would have been so much easier for myself and daughters. Sorry, but it is how I feel.

He is paying me a pittance every month, it has been set up by standing order into my account.
He wants to keep control of me as he knows I will have to keep asking him for money for my youngest daughter.
Bastard, Bastard, bastard.

Forgot to say, my sister printed out an A4 size sheet of paper that I have put on my fridge.

Here is what it says, hope it is of some help to you ladies too. I think we have to ask the universe for it!

I Am Open To Being Happy

I Am Willing To Heal

I Am Open To Being Fully Independant And My Own Person

I Am Open To Finding Inner Strength

I Am Willing To Be As Healthy And Empowered As I Can

I Am Willing To Meet A Kind, Decent Man

I Am Willing To Enjoy The Rest Of My Life

xxx

Don't apologise for feeling that way Mrs M !!
If I ever get to the pearly gates, I will have a lot of explaining to do about sending out "die vibes"

Of course it would be a damn sight easier if they had died. Certainly I would be wealthy, instead of "managing". I am guessing most of us here feel the same

Its gutting to be reduced to selling jewellery isn't it. Been there, and got the tee-shirt.
Only way is up, and the ladder is in the hands of your solicitor NOT your X. Let him fight for you. Brilliant to hear you in fighting form again though.

How is it going with ignoring his texts and mails. Must be driving him nuts by now!

cross posted because I type so slowly!

Loving your sister! with her on your side, I am no longer quite so worried about your support network

Hi Mumn!
Exh has been very quiet, he's been away working down south since Thurs morning and is due back Sun night. We never hear from him whilst he is away.
However he has now got his mum and sister leaving messages of emotional blackmail about nephew's rabbit on their mobile phones! Unbelievable!
Oh Yes, noone messes with my sister! She is seriously hardcore!
I am in major fighting form!
If that shit of a man was standing in front of me right now, I would end up 'doing time' for him. The hell he has put us through, and I know he will still continue to do it, maybe not always intentionally, but he is the person at the forefront of his thoughts now, and he will hurt, hurt, hurt.
I think he is so upset at me because 'I forced his hand', he was not quite planning to leave when he did, but in the end he felt like he had no choice, and now he is looking like a complete shit to all and sundry.
God only knows what his side of the family are saying but bet you it will not be the 'truth and nothing but the truth'.
I will be made out to be the bad one, and it will be all lies.

Sorry you are getting grief from the in-laws Mrs M
Maybe worth changing your phone number, so you don't have to put up with it. BT are really good about it if you tell them you are getting nuisance calls.

I use to literally tremble at the thought of having to deal with mine. Think thats why I am so keen on the legal route, because I really felt horribly weak until they waded in on my behalf.
What has your chap said about the low amount X is paying?

He has said that my exh does not need to pay me anything, he only needs to pay maintenance for my youngest. Scottish law. Any monthly alimont for me will have to be fought for, possible court action.
Exh knows my situation, he earns a really good wage, he could afford to pay more. After 27 years and the speed at which he has sorted things out, it is breathtaking. My head is just above the breadline. I do not understand how he can be so callous and cruel.

Can you claim any benefits if you are not medically fit to work Mrs M?

Hi Owl, the benefit system is a nightmare! Never ever believe the papers when they all talk about how much people receive in benefits, in my case, it is a tiny amount, lots of things are taken into consideration, and I do not qualify, I am 'just above' the threshold for many things.
I am so tired with it all I really am.