Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

Had a good chat with my friend earlier on, now I feel a bit lost and panicky!
Was in Asda earlier on and I saw a long white floaty skirt, quite liked it, then I imagined it on me. All of a sudden I've had visions of 'Miss Haversham' from Great Expectations!!
Except I am going to be the married Mrs Haversham who is never able to get over her ex husband.
Aaargh help please ladies!

OK Deep breath Mrs

Glad you had fun and long chat with a good friend. Always a bonus!

Now about Miss Faversham. You need to ask yourself a really important question ..... whose voice in your head said that it would make you look like that ?
Am willing to bet it was probably the STBXH
You are being very normal

Its hard to shut that voice up- after a long marriage. We have simply spent too long adapting to what our partners like .... including what they thought we looked nice in...... so it takes a long while to only hear your own wants and choices, again. Normal. You will get there in the end. Took me a few years to eradicate it altogether, but once you know its happening you are on the road to fixing it.

Solution, for the skirt, is to listen to yourself a bit more clearly. Thise skirts are in fashion, so thats not the issue. I think its just a whole new style for you ...and you wobbled a bit at the first step. Go back and buy the skirt. If its an utter disaster you can always wear it for gardening .... but at least you will have made your OWN decision

Hi Mumn, am so glad to see you. I think it was my own voice!
I have visions of a married Miss Haversham haunting me now! I am turning into a loon!
At least I am seeing my counsellor later on, need to take deep breaths, steady myself. How is it one minute I can be ok then the next I get panicky and it all overwhelms me? Do not want to be like this forever.
There is another thread on here that worried me too. It is a lovely lady nine months down the line from her husband leaving her, who is still thinking about it every minute of every day.
Oh my god, cannot bear the thought of that. I DO NOT WANT THAT MAN TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE!
Somebody slap me now, I am getting hysterical.

Mrs McN - have lurked on your thread but not posted before. However, I didn't want your last post to go unanswered. You have done sooo well, and come so far in just a couple of weeks. You are allowed a wobble along the way. (And on a positive note, it will be a good starting point to talk to your counsellor about.)

For what it's worth, you probably wobbled because you had a nice lunch with a friend, relaxed and let your guard down. You have done such a good job of looking after yourself and taking it one step at a time, but haven't really relaxed much recently. Your brain probably went into a sort of shock of overcompensation - you probably felt a bit guilty about feeling too happy too soon. However, it is a small wobble and tomorrow you will be back steadily getting a little stronger every day.

Best of luck

Glad to be of service

As for Was worried I sounded all bitter and twisted

Noooo! not bitter and twisted! healthy! Of course you're going to feel like you could slice his balls off hurt him - he has hurt you UNBELIEVABLY.

have you seen that play 'the Cook, his wife and his lover'? Something like that, anyway. If not, go and see it - pronto. You will find a kindred spirit in the playwrite.

Please laugh at your Miss Havisham fantasies! They are not real, just your shocked mind playing tricks. I'm sure you will look fabulous in it, not Miss Havisham at all!

Maybe the woman in the thread hasn't had the chance to process her grief, shock and anger thoroughly, hence it's hanging around like a bad smell. I am ALL FOR getting the intense pain OUT. It has to come out, better to get it out the way. NOthing is barred imo - well, it has to be legal, of course. Go with the anger/pain/bitterness/revenge. It will pass.

It is overjoying (overjoyful? overjoyable?) that you are saying I DO NOT WANT THAT MAN TO TAKE OVER MY LIFE! That's your ship set on the right course. Very healthy course if you ask me.

Hope you had a really good time with your counsellor sweetie xxx

Mrs M
She didn't have us

MrsM - I have been honest with you, I am 12 months on and still sad about a lot of things, but it is up to you to stop that sadness in yourself.

What I am trying to say, badly, is that it is up to you how your life develops from now. Although I still cry sometimes, I am aware that I am much further on than I was 12 months ago.

People say that I am strong, that I am brave, that I have been amazing. All I see is a shattered broken woman whose life was turned upside down in one evening. But I know that I have been strong at times and brave at times and I have faced things that I thought I just would not be able to do.

You will get there, you will not be Miss Haversham.

When I was thinking about it every minute of every day, it just did my head in. I had to develop a strategy to stop thinking about it, to think about something else. In my case, I think about holidays. I have booked a break in August for 4 nights, just so that DD and I have something to look forward to. If I start to think about twunt, then I think about the holiday instead.

You need to develop a strategy and your counsellor should be able to help you with that. You need to be honest with them and tell them how you feel.

I hope that your session went well today.

Darling, this is like a bereavement, no? It's 'harder' in one way (though not at all in another!) that he is still alive. You have not only lost him but you have to live with the awful betrayal, knowing he is walking around somewhere still trying to call the shots the shit

I don't know if you have ever been bereaved, but a significant bereavement takes time to work through. In the case of a bereavement, the first year is a blur. It's said that bereavement is the only time you can go legitimately mad. imo what you are going through now is a seering bereavement. So you can be sad, bad, and mad - let it hang out, if that's what you want to do, is comfortable for you. For the days/hours it's not comfortable for you, then tuck it in and pretend. It will pass. It always does xxxx

Keep plodding on MrsM I can see you have made huge leaps in a few weeks ( lost my password but been following just not posting sorry) and recognise my own journey in yours ( now 6 months down the line) .
You are getting stronger, every day you face you will get stronger and please DO NOT LET HIM WIN THE BATTLE!!
He is a weak man ( beginning to think there's a lot of it about) you are a strong woman. He wants to control you still and have it his way, don't let him, show him he messed with the wrong chick!! He massively underestimated you ( and my ex, me) and you are going to prove you will survive, nay flourish without a millstone round your neck.

I'm amazed that I look at ex now and see what he is really ( he had done some things i didn't fundamentally agree with but made excuses for him) now i see a sad middle aged (bald and a bit fat) weak man. I can honestly say I feel nothing for him, shes welcome to him now, I NEVER thought I'd say that , I too considered driving off the road many times just a few months ago. A new friend whod never met him before recently said ' oh Raenbow you can do SO much better than him' she's right!
Yes he still pisses me off when he acts selfishly or says he'll do something then doesn't , but in the same way if the a workman does that( mildly irritated ) .

raenbow - I see a slightly fat, bald, false teeth, middle aged man, wearing clothes designed for 20 year olds....... the glasses are replaced by contact lenses, the polo shirts replaced by superdry and phatface, the black lace up shoes replaced by expensive "Art" shoes. The cosy warm jumper replaced by trendy shortcut black jackets... the cotton chinos replaced by indigo denims with a faded strip down the front.....

He wouldnt let me trim his ears or nose hair, or his eyebrows. As soon as he moved in with his best mate and OW, he let OW trim it all for him .

In essence, my XH, 49, now looks exactly like his best mate, who is 46 and also dressing like a teenager. (OW is 32).

It is very sad to see......... in more ways than one!

MrsM - how did counselling go today?

Hi Mrs M! You might not feel it but you are doing really well. But it takes time. You are doing all the right things.

The same thing happened to me (late 40's, 2 young children), but 5 yrs on my life is so much better than it was before. Surprisingly, I have a reasonable relationship with my ex, who I think realises what a fool he has been, and also a wonderful new partner, who gets on well with my children and friends. I went through a lot to get here, but life is great.

Shortly after we split when I was really struggling, I read a lot of self help books, but one stuck in my head and helped me move on. It was called: Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends. Sandra S Kahn

And buy the skirt - and anything else that you fancy. Time to reinvent yourself!

MrsM
You're doing brilliantly, all the praise and advice above is right, having been bereaved and divorced in less then five years they are really similiar in the effect they have on you, you don't suddenly become ok, you go up and down until the ups outnumber the downs. You've had a nice time today, then you've gone back down, at first when it happens you don't realise thats all it is, but after a while you'll know it will happen and be ready for it, and when it does you'll know you'll soon be up again.

you're doing everything right to make sure you're going to be ok in the long term, you'll still have your fantastic relationship with your daughters and new grandchild, you're ex can't say that, they'll never feel completely ok about him again. xxx

Skye, lovely Skye, it was not you I was meaning, it was a thread under 'Relationships'. You sound really strong and much more together than I am and talk such sense. Far more grounded and less hysterical than me!
Cannot imagine getting to that stage yet! Still doing very much 'the one day at a time'.
Counsellor gave me a poem about grief, I find it very moving.

On Grief

To love life, even when you have no stomach for it.

and everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

Your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, it's tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs,

When grief weights you like your own flesh, only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, how can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face between your palms,

a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say,

Yes I will take you

I will love you again.

xxx

hi MrsM, no I knew you didn't mean me, I think I have been on the thread you are talking about. I just felt a bit bad because I keep telling you it will be ok, then 12 months later I am not . But the intensity lessens over time, the anxiety goes, the feelings move and change like sand with the ocean.

That poem is lovely, made me cry. Again. Lol.

Lovely poem.

It will be OK, but the change in you is like winter going into summer, so gradual you dont always notice the change and some days it just rains! BUT eventually the sun shines again and you forget how cold and grey it was at the start

I know I won't be over this after a year Skye, nowhere near, but I, like you said, hope to be 'further down the road' with it and hopefully, please God, not always on my mind? I hope my new wee grandaughter will be at the forefront? In a good way.
He is going to be missing such a lot. He will never have that closeness with her, he won't be able to take her out on his own(he will be planning on his mother and sister doing the mucky stuff for him). Ain't happening buster! My eldest daughter has said no way does she want that lot round her new daughter.

Joy5, you have really been through the mill, and you always sound so normal, and grounded. I do not think I would have got through what you have been through. And I seriously mean that. How did you do it? And to come out the other side? You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you elastamum!
I want the sun to shine again.
I want a future.
I want someone to love me, hold me, kiss me, tell me I'm gorgeous.
I think we all deserve that.

MrsM - I think that your granddaughter will do it for you, she will be the thing that you think about all of the time.

It all came at the wrong time for me, DD about to start school, my business being in its first year with me self employed, a lot of things changed, a lot of things to get used to. I had just lost my aunt to cancer, I was seriously stressed out. XH had been ill, was struggling to pay his tax bill. I felt like it was always down to me to have to sort it all out, because he did nothing, then got accused of being controlling!

I was already heading towards depression I think, even before this happened and this was just the icing on the cake.....

But you - you have your lovely granddaughter to look forward to. You will have so much on your mind that you wont want to give him a second glance.

One day he will probably regret what he has done, but by then it will be too late as you will be living a fabulous life by then :)

Skye, thank you so much.
He has to regret what he has done, if there is any justice in the world then he has to regret his actions. Will he ever let on? No, probably not....
He has to suffer, he has to be on his knees begging for help.......
Will he get it? I genuinely do not like to see people upset, but him, I want to see him brought to his knees, begging on the kitchen floor, devastated, suicidal.
And then I will walk away.
Please God.

Good morning Mrs M.

Mrs Havisham indeed! Did the skirt come with a veil and cobwebs? If not, you would probably look lovely in it. Now I a good time to experiment with style (although probably not the tragic mutton dressed as lamb look that Skye's exH is sporting), but definitely try something new my exH used to dictate how I dressed (frumpy) and it was lovely to find my own non influenced taste.

As for timescales for recovery, please don't decide now how you will feel in a year or it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. To give another perspective, for me I started to feel a lot better after five months and was even dating again very casually by seven months. I think it took me a couple of years to completely get over it and for the pangs of hurt to go, but I did start to live again in the meantime. Your granddaughter will help with this so much.

Spot on Lambzig,
It took me close to four years to really recover, and didn't lose the fear of seeing him again until my DD wedding .... 7 years down the line.
The key is that you don't spend all of that time feeling as you did/do in the first weeks. It really is like the bereavement process.... you quite quickly achieve periods where you have lots of good days and don't think about them or your previous 'life' , then sudden lows that catch you by surprise. Those times can feel as raw as they do at the beginning.

I would say it took 6 months, a move into my own home, and the actual divorce, to achieve enough of a balance to say I was doing OK.

As everyone has said, its about self fulfilling prophecy. The women who sit back and wallow saying they will never get over it are likely to never move on. (I am not talking abiout the early days & weeks here!)
It saddens me so much, because they actually give their X's the satisfaction of thinking "she truly was useless".
I would be beggared if I would have given him that satisfaction and actually set myself the goal of matching his salary before I retire.
That is still a work in progress and I probably now won't have enough time before I retire, given current job markets, but its the goal that got me through.

So, start thinking about goal setting now Mrs M. What do you want to rub his nose in the fact that you are a capable, strong, woman......without him? buying a house that YOU really love, but he would hate. Using the divorce to buy an outrageous car? sleeping with a toy boy?
It really doesn't matter aslong as it works for you.
(but bet we would all love a peek at your list

Have some for navigating another week and ending it on a high.

Urghh, should read 'now is a good time'

Oh I would love to be able to rub his nose in it, but don't know how to do it, I am not able to work because of health issues, and the money(or lack of) that he is giving me every month, he could stop on a whim.
So feel stuck on that one. I also do not want to 'look' like he has destroyed me.
Why does he detest me so much now? Why is he keeping me so short of money? He can afford to give me more. I cannot believe how my life has been blown apart in a few weeks. I am so scared, I do not know what to do now, but I do not want, under no circumstances, to beg him for anything ever again.
Any ideas ladies?

Well, another evening ahead! Tonight I made a tasty chicken arrabiatta for myself, youngest daughter and her boyfriend. Think they liked it!
Feel very sad tonight, am not usually like this in the evenings, more mornings. Don't know what to do with myself, need to do some ironing so I will probably get on with that.
Notice exh has set up a direct debit for private dental health care. How nice of him when he has left myself and youngest practically on the breadline.
I do not know this man at all. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness tonight, I will need to give myself a shake. Still am not able to read, watch tv properly or really concentrate on anything. The terror is also a bit overwhelming too.
I have never felt so alone.

The only thing you can do to get a fair settlement is to do it through solicitors advice. They can advise what you are entitled to. Don't take any crap from your ex.

My counsellor said today that the stages of grief are

Shock Anger Grief Acceptance.

She said that I am working my way towards acceptance and that I am doing well.

This is what you have to go through when somebody leaves you so suddenly. But she said there is no time plan , you have to work it through at your own pace.

She also said that I can either let him ruin my life or I can move on.

He will not ruin my life, of that I am determined. And MrsM your ex WILL NOT ruin yours either. You have the love and respect of your girls. He will not have that.