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Original poster

How often does your DH text/call in the day?

130 replies

HeyBabyBaby · 08/05/2013 14:56

I'm currently at home with our 10 month old baby. DH leaves at 7:00am, normally back past 7:30pm. Yesterday DH sent me at text at 5:30pm, saying he's had a busy day and didn't have a chance to call and would be home later than usual. He then calls at 7pm (I've just put baby down and in the midst of preparing our dinner) saying hi and I said I was annoyed that he'd not called during the day, even just for a couple of mins. He then said 'great, this is how the evening is going to be?', 'you're just having a go at me', then we said good bye. He got back home and then just launched into me saying how I don't understand and I was being so unreasonable, then got angry that he didn't have a shirt ironed (he normally irons his shirts and didn't do them on the weekend). I couldn't be bothered having an arguement, so went straight to bed. I worked in a busy job and am currently on mat leave, but if he was at home all day on his own looking after a baby, I would call at least once a day.

What do you think?

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 08/05/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 08/05/2013 22:40

We communicate (generally texts) to sort out child logistics, who is shopping and the like. If one of us is away then a once every 24 hours or so "how's it going?" would be normal and I would be a bit narked not to have heard from him at all.

OP - it will get better. Especially if the sun shines again and you and LO get out of the house.

Bunbaker · 08/05/2013 22:45

"My DP calls 4-5 times a day with a few texts in between"

I would find that pretty annoying and controlling TBH. We both started working in the 1970s when it was absolutely not on to make private phone calls at work, and way before mobile phones were invented, and this has stayed with us.

We only contact each other during the day if it is something that can't wait until we see each other in the evening or if one of us is going to be late. OH is away a lot and we try to talk on Skype once a day.

piprabbit · 08/05/2013 22:47

No calls or texts unless there is something specific to be discussed.

Once in a blue moon I'll need an adult shoulder to lean on, in which case I send a text and DH calls me when he can. I wouldn't expect him to call just in case.

When he is working away, I get a call to say he has arrived safely and he generally tries to call in time to say night-night to the children.

Viviennemary · 08/05/2013 22:47

My DH doesn't call unless he has something to say. I sometimes call him if a problem crops up or I need to ask him something. But I don't think people can usually call for long chats when they are at work.

MrsOakenshield · 08/05/2013 22:53

he generally calls at lunchtime, but not always. But he did when I was at home with DD (so at the age you're talking about) because he knew I found it such a struggle. I think you handled it wrongly, hitting him with that when he did call (though no need for the shirt comment in retaliation), but perhaps he had a really hard day - do you ask him how his day is going/has been? Is he the sole earner at present - he could be really feeling the strain, if so. It's not Top Trumps, your hard day doesn't pip his.

Sit down and talk about it, if it's that important.

LazyMonkeyButler · 08/05/2013 22:53

No calls or texts unless DH has something specific or out of the ordinary to say.

Likewise, I don't call or text him when I am at work and DH is at home with the DCs unless I actually need to.

VerySmallSqueak · 08/05/2013 22:56

He doesn't,unless there's a reason.

But when I was on maternity leave with babies and we were tired or having a bit of a tougher patch,he would ring just to see how things were and offer moral support.

suburbophobe · 08/05/2013 22:59

My dear love calls me usually twice a day, morning and afternoon.

And that's a long-distance relationship (seeing each other next week again Smile

MrsOakenshield · 08/05/2013 23:00

god, does no-one here have a lunchbreak? DH (or me, on my work days) rings when he's left the office for a wander around - I've got a new job so he asks how it's going, he's having a shite time so I ask how his day is - it's nice to chat to someone you can be completely honest with. I was pretty needy when at home with DD, not now but it's still nice to chat. When he gets in from work DD can take over and it's bath and bedtime and dinner time and then you can be too knackered to talk and corpse in front of the TV.

I know everyone is sounding oh-so independent, but actually it's starting to come across as being pretty miserable.

steppemum · 08/05/2013 23:00

I am actually amazed at how often some spouses talk/text

I think it is because I started working in an era when there were no mobiles, so it would never occur to me to talk/text unless there was a reason.

I think I would find it a bit claustrophobic to be honest. I don't really relate to the 'just calling to say hi' thing
If I needed him to pick something up on the way home, I would text.
If something was wrong, eg I was ill and had to take care of baby, he might text or call to check I am ok.

Even when he is away for a week, we talk maybe twice. Often he can't talk more - long distance and poor internet for skype. That is fine for me.

Also I think when you are at work, you think 'work', and it is hard to switch modes and think 'home'

BackforGood · 08/05/2013 23:00

My dh doesn't phone or text me unless there is something urgent to be sorted out. Nor would I contact him unless there is something that needs sorting that can't wait until we are both home. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Indeed, I would be really cross if I'd managed to get my head down for 1/2 hour while the baby napped (trying to catch up some of the sleepness nights) if he woke me by phoning for no reason.

TobyLerone · 09/05/2013 06:12

DH rarely has a lunchbreak. He's much too busy. He works his arse off and his job is very technical and requires his full concentration. He doesn't need me mithering him with trivia.

And I would be irritated if he interrupted my very busy day watching Real Housewives of Atlanta and MNing by calling for a chat.

We are absolutely not unhappy. We're newlyweds and sickeningly happy.

Bunbaker · 09/05/2013 06:49

It isn't independence or being miserable MrsOakenshield. Like steppemum I am old enough to remember life before modern technology made us contactable 24/7.

When I am at work I am there to work and am too busy for inane chat with my husband, besides, my boss would take an extremely dim view of it. When OH is at a client he only rings me if he needs something emailing to him. We talk on Skype when he is away, but the time difference always means that he only has a small window to ring.

I used to work with a girl whose boyfriend used to ring her at work at all times of the day. What was so important that it couldn't wait until the evening?

conorsrockers · 09/05/2013 06:53

Never. Only if there's an issue (rare) - and mine goes away Monday and comes back Friday! Grin

AnyFucker · 09/05/2013 07:02

"miserable" relationships when you don't speak to your spouse all day ? What a strange pronouncement...

DH left for work at 6am. The next time we will speak is 6pm when we are both home from work.

We don't need to "check in" to each other. I find that "needy"

TantrumsAndBalloons · 09/05/2013 07:06

I don't think it's miserable.

Whilst we are at work, we are working
I don't need to call him to see how he is, I know how he is, he is at work.
The same way I don't ring my teenage DCs every lunchtime to see how they are.

DH leaves for work at 7am, we have a chat in the morning about who is picking up ds2, what activities the DCs have that they need a lift to, what needs to be done that night.
I don't see what else we would need to chat about that won't wait until 5pm.

ithaka · 09/05/2013 07:09

When he was in an office job he hated, he would call me at least once a day. Now he is teaching and loves it - he calls very rarely and only for a reason.

In fairness, when I was at home on maternity leave he would call every day to check I was coping OK - being stuck at home with wee ones can be tough!

cory · 09/05/2013 07:24

We never do call each other in the day unless there is an emergency. Probably because most of our relationship was pre-mobiles, also because both of us have to make the most of our worktime to be able to get home at a reasonable time (dh has a 6 hour commute and I am always having to take time off for dd's medical appointments). And, not least, because both of us find work interesting and absorbing: can't see anything miserable about that.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/05/2013 07:33

Sometimes a couple of times, sometimes not at all. He does tend to call when he's leaving work to see if anything needs picking up Fromm the shops.

buildingmycorestrength · 09/05/2013 07:40

It has taken me a while to stop wanting more contact in the day.

But I came to a compromise that works for us.

If I text him, he HAS to reply before he gets home, even if it is while he is on the train home. That way if I need a wee moan or vent, I feel heard by him.

But I don't expect him to check in with me (any more) because he's in the work zone, which is fair enough. The impetus comes from me.

Snowme · 09/05/2013 11:51

If he's working that many hours in a day to support you financially whilst you stay home to raise your child, the least you could do is iron all his work shirts for him. I know I would, not out of gratitude, but care and respect for the bloody long hours he's putting in. No wonder he's (just as) knackered at the end of the day (as you).

Weegiemum · 09/05/2013 11:59

My dh and I usually speak briefly at lunchtime (I work 2 days school tms/hours and am at home 3, though on those days I do some freelance training and preparation work), he's a GP and usually calls after he's cleared up after morning surgery. He then always calls when he's leaving, usually to let me know when he'll be home (thinks with his stomach and we usually eat together at 7.30-8)!

I know it's a bit more than many people do, but I think it's due to the fact that I'm disabled and he likes to check I've not fallen down the stairs :) . He works away on average 2 nights a week and always calls after work finishes and we speak at bedtime.

Maybe we're just still unbearably codependent soppy after 18 years of marriage!

iamnowawhaticallmother · 09/05/2013 12:00

I am in same position but baby is only 2 months. I only call him at work if there is an emergency and he only calls me likewise. Sometimes he might send a msg via facebook asking if I am ok if he's having a slow day but I don't expect him to speak to me at all during day.

NothingsLeft · 09/05/2013 12:52

This is really interesting.

I'm on ML, DH calls three times a day on average, texts too. All pointless stuff.

It drives me nuts.

I feel mean but I'm busy and don't have the time or inclination for pointless conversations. He rarely wants anything. I often don't answer but then he messages 'is everything ok?' and I feel like I have to call.

I thought I was being cold but apparently I'm normal!