Dp says his disposable income is too low!

[mousiemousie]

Dp and I have average paid jobs; I work 23 hours a week, he is full time.

From his wages he keeps approx £450 per month to spend purely on himself and feels extremely hard done by that it is not more. I think this is not bad for someone with a mortgage and a young child and can't think that there are too many fathers who have much more than this as "pocket money". Who is right?!!

mousie, if you want dd to continue to have a stable and loving home life with no arguments then I think you have to either sort this out with him once and for all, or split.

I think your dp has us confused with the sort of people who play D&D

Seriously, though, your dd is probably already aware of the conflicts in your relationship and homelife, even without the rowing (although if you have to have a row over a lightbulb, it suggests that the resentments are not simmering that far under the surface anyway).

Your dp appears to value money and himself above all other things, and it's hard to see how that is going to change for the better. One note of caution, however - he also sounds like the sort of bloke that if you separated would make damn sure you didn't get a penny from him. I'm not suggesting that's a reason to stay, but it is a reason to plan carefully what you do next.

Can you resolve your work situation somehow to give yourself a breather? Whether that's looking for a secondment or finding a way of coping with the aspects that make you unhappy, or getting signed off for a while - you sound stressed enough.

Janh - that's what I'm worried about and I can't bear the idea of dd having no dad around - because he wouldn't make more than a minimal effort to spend time with her if we split. We would also have to move to a cheaper area (currently living in a small place but in quite a pricy area) - and that would mean a change of schools for dd which breaks my heart to think about. i've always known that I would lose out financially if we split because I brought a house to the relationship and dp just bought debts (since paid off). So I think he will likely get a share of my house if we split, even though we aren't married. It's a price I thought worth paying for a few years of my dd having a daddy around, but it will cost me dear.

Tribpot you made me laugh re the D&D players! Taking some kind of a breather from work may be a very good idea - I have half term off after this week and I am applying for 4 weeks unpaid parental leave in the summer hols - a new leave policy we have. Not sure if this will be granted, but if it is it might give me the mental space to start thinking straight. I nearly begged my mum to take dd out today for me - i am feeling like a wholly inadequate mother right now. Normally I think that no matter what else I have made a bit of a mess of in life, at least I am a good mum. Now I can't even get that right and that is why I feel so all over the place.

Thanks again to anyone who has posted, I really do appreciate your words

American - or any other nationality of - men in their underpants wouldn't be on a parenting site FFS !

Mousie ...... I am really really sorry for what's happening. I know only too well the gut-renching worry of trying to balance what's right for your kids vs trying to sort out a relationship in trouble.

mousie from what I remember of other people seperating he has no rights to your house if you are not married and he is not on the mortgage/deeds.

As you are the mother, earn less and are the main carer he would have even less of a chance of getting his mitts on any of your property.

Check your situation out with some legal bods to make sure but I am sure that other people here can tell you your position.

Kathlean dp is not on the motgage/deeds, but I was under the impression that he would be judged to have contributed to the mortgate so should be entitled to a share in the property?

My thoughts were that if I could afford to live here without dp - which I can't - then I would probably be allowed to by the courts, but if I sold then he would get a share. At this rate I am more likely to be living with my parents than affording much on my own!

You really need to check your situation legally. Go the the CAB or see if you can get a free half hour at a solcitor for advice.

From what I have read on this site (generally the men owning the house) unmarried women in this situation do not have many rights regarding the house even if they have the children.

I think if he can prove that he has paid for work on the house or stuff in it then he can claim for that.

Does his money actually go on the mortgage or does it go into your account and then you pay the mortgage? As the mortgage seems quite cheap (compared to renting) you could always argue that you paid the mortgage and that his contribution is for the food, clothes, going out and other bills etc which is what he gets from any shared money (-:

mm - from reading your posts not sure how old your dd is - so not sure whether she is old enough to sense the tension between you both. but if shes not old enough yet she soon will be. i was a child bought up by two parents that didnt get on and i can tell you i would never put a child through that. they pick up on so much more than we think. she will be much more content and happier with a mum thats strong and happy than what this man is turning you into. thoughts of self harm etc are going to get worse unless you do something about the source of the problem - him. you sound like you dont even like this man and i can see excatly why - think about yourself please. your happiness is as important as everyone elses.

I completely agree with you mysonsmummy - I had the same experience as you as a child and it can have long-lasting consequences.

I honestly think you should have it out with him, give him one last chance but if doesn't work out, sadly I think the only answer is to ask him to leave. And I don't say that lightly.

Normally there is very little tension between me and dp as we just get on with our own stuff and don't expect much from each other - but rows are coming out now because work is making me so unhappy

mysonsmummy I am worried that leaving might well make me more unhappy and not less unhappy, and that I am not strong enough to go it alone . If only I knew that leaving would make me that strong and happy woman you talk about . I have never been happy to live on my own - wish that didn't sound so pathetic.

Mousie, by the sounds of things I don't you could be unhappier than you already are tbh.

Obviously you won't be able to change dp overnight and neither will you be able to get a new job straightaway - but I think you should visit your GP as soon as possible. It sounds as though you are suffering from depression.

One stage at a time.

not read the whole thread, just the OP.
from that i would say you are living with atruely selfish man who ahs no regard for you or family life.

i know may familes who have £450 left for teh whole family to LIVE on let alone waste on blody games!

I find this depressing. I can't believe that most of you seem to be living in very financially unequal relationships.

Look - all the money you both earn should go into a pot. Then whatever is left after bills/food/house - i.e. all "disposable" should be split equally.

Anything else is GROSSLY unfair and you are being massively undermined and undervalued. Don't justify it.

Mercy perhaps you are right. For the past couple of weeks I have been doing silly things because I am so upset about my work situation.

I just really really need to be able to make some good choices for me and dd right now, and I don't feel that I can see clearly which path is best.

I agree, MP! In fact I couldn't agree more.

I was once the only breadwinner. I still am the chief breadwinner.

It is OUR money and goes into one pot.

We're a partnership, a family.

It's almost half-term so use that time to visit your GP and if possible have a good think about all the possibilities. Your well-being is paramount at this time.

You know it's not just about money.

thinking of you.x

I knew my parents were getting divorced, and I was just 3 at the time, just to give you an idea of the vibes kids can pick up on, as mysonsmummy says. You are not a bad mother, you're just struggling with a nightmare set of circumstances, as work stress has uncovered lurking home stress to the point where it can't be ignored any more. I would definitely get your mum to take dd out for the day / part of the day and get yourself a little 'me' time - not even just to think but to have some quiet time to chill out. You will feel stronger for it.

There's a Chinese proverb about if you don't know which path to choose, do nothing, and more will be revealed. (Am not Confucius, read this in the Michael J Fox auto-biog I think!) - it sounds like that may be your best option right now, if you can find a way of making the job bearable in the short term.

In terms of money, dh and I are unusual in that I work full-time and he is a SAHD. So by rights (based on some of the horror stories I read on MN, not just this one). I should be:

• demanding to keep a massive share of the income for my personal amusements
• doing nothing around the house
• buggering off every weekend playing golf or indulging in other 'hobby' that excludes my family.

Somehow ... it doesn't quite work like that when the roles are reversed. We don't actually have a division of spending money because dh is chronically ill, so has left the house once in the last four months without me, hence I do spend more on bits because I'm out more, and if we're out together, I pay.

But if I thought I was spending 450 quid of our money (I earn it, dh enables me to earn it) on myself every month, I would feel like the worst mother alive.

Exactly, tripot, I'd feel like an awful person for doing that to my family.

If you can spare it, well, sure, I suppose.

But dang, what's w/people who are that selfish?

Just discussing this with my DH & realised how lucky we are...it seems that although we are relaxed about finances, it's because we are quite frugal AND trust each other.

It does sound like your DP has a hidden agenda - is he saving for something ?

Could you work out someway where you both contribute a % of your monthly salary & this could easily cover essentials/presents + a holiday fund ?

BTW does he actually spend £450 a month on himself ?

parents should work for the betterment of the family not for their own consumerist needs.

your man has a lot of disposable income. maybe he could invest it in a trust fund for your child.

he sounds like a twat to me. but i dont kow details.

MP, i disagree with your statement that everything should go in the pot and any other way is grossly unfair. each household should agree on what they're happy with and stick to that, it doesn't necessarily mean splitting everything 50/50 exactly. you may do that but other's don't and to say what they've agreed and stick with is grossly unfair is not right. mousie is obviously unhappy and her situation and it does sound unfair but she needs to talk to DP and work out in her head what she would be happy with herself, not take someone else's definition of what is the only fair way of doing the finances.

What's unfair soopermum is that in EVERY situation here where the financial distribution is unequal, it favours the man every time. So it's not that couples are just figuring out what seems right for them individually; it's that men are systematically taking financial advantage of the women they live with.

Personally, I don't see how anything other than financial equality could ever be acceptable in a relationship. Mousiemousie's situation illustrates why, all too painfully.

I wish you the very best in finding your way to a happier life for yourself, Mousiemousie.

I agree, how can anything other than complete financial equity be workable? It's basically admitting that one person 'deserves' more than the other in a relationship. When you have kids, whatever arrangement you make for childcare, one of you is bound do have to take a backward step in earning capability/work availability, however small, but is it fair to say that persona (usually but not always the woman) deserves less reward? The arrangements parents make for childcare and budgeting are obviously to suit their own family requirements, but to say that one person should 'keep more than the other is obscene. What you do as a couple without children is up to you but when children come into the equation their needs must be put first and both parents should realise that! It's just not fair for one parent to be desperately unhappy in a job she has to do to contribute her share and the other parent to be wondering how to spend hundreds of pounds they have as excess cash every month. I repeat, it's obscene.