Dp says his disposable income is too low!

[mousiemousie]

Dp and I have average paid jobs; I work 23 hours a week, he is full time.

From his wages he keeps approx £450 per month to spend purely on himself and feels extremely hard done by that it is not more. I think this is not bad for someone with a mortgage and a young child and can't think that there are too many fathers who have much more than this as "pocket money". Who is right?!!

He's being v selfish imo. In our house there's no such thing as his and mine, it's all ours. We're a family, neither of us would
dream of talking about mine and his. He's doing v well on £450 'spare' cash a month I think.

We don't have this pocket money thing, Dp earns fairly good wages & all out money goes on family things & living, if dp needs a pair of shoes, clothes whatever he will go & buy if i do i will go & buy, we don't have a "set" budget each week/month.
I really feel for you, if he can waste £450 a month on just pleasures then why the hell is he not saving to take his family on holiday?

Oh mousie you poor thing.You cant carry on doing a job that makes you cry every day.Does he know how bad it is?
If he is putting his pocket money before your happiness then perhaps he needs to grow up a bit.
Good luck

mousie.

I have to say that dh hasn't quite got the hang of sharing and does occasionally say things like "I earned x amount this month so i deserve an xyz" but he very rarely gets the xyz (unless we really can afford it). He gets nothing like 450 quid a month though - I think your dp is an utter git tbh. How does he manage to spend that much on role playing games for crying out loud (that is one of dh's vices too btw, but to the tune of average, maybe 20 pounds a month)

Blimey - dh and I are both pretty well paid but we still don't have £450/month each as pure pissing about money!

mousie: Are you saying that YOUR disposal income is less than his? Because that's all that matters. You should take whatever disposable income is left and share is equally betweent the two of you. Anything else is horribly unfair.

ps - do you have a proportionate amount of your income as pocket money? (not that that would be entirely fair, but it sounds ilke not)

Totally agree with MP. This is the way DH & I have always worked our finances.

If you are not going to put everything you both earn into the pot, then you must at least both be able to keep the same amount for yourselves each month!

So unless you also have £450 a month it is grossly unfair.

Mousie, you need to get out of your job. Your dh has to understand that you cannot carry on doing something that is making you so unhappy. If you continue, you will make yourself ill. He won't have £450 a month pocket money if he drives you into a breakdown - he'll have to cover all the things you pay for instead. And replace all the things you do for free.

Also like the idea of totting up what it would cost to employ someone to do all the things you do - if you are part-time I guess you do the lion's share of housework, school runs and so on? There are various figures around (try googling, think Norwich Union did the stats most recently) for what it would cost to replace a mother's workload.

Trust me on the health consequences of strugging on in a job you hate, I've seen it happen (and only narrowly avoided it myself).

Surely the issue really is that he cares about you so little that he puts his pocket money above your happiness? Sorry if that sounds harsh but even if we were talking about 50 quid he wasn't prepared to sacrifice for you the situation would be the same.

I think 450 is an outrageous amount of money for a father to have to spend on basically nothing every month. As others have said, what about saving for your child's future, what about the occasional holiday, what about you?

I suggest you sit down and do a proper household budget, which would probably be a wise thing to do before changing jobs anyway. Perhaps he simply needs to see the figures in black and white to understand that there is no more money.

mousie, you said "I don't think he knows many other fathers tbh" - I'm wondering if he knows any, or whether in fact he is comparing himself entirely with childless/single men who can spend what they like.

It sounds from the other things you've said though as if this pocket money is just a symptom of the whole relationship being out of kilter. You both need to decide if you want to stay together, and if you do then he has to face up to the reality of his situation, grow up and join the real world. (If you don't then he may well end up with much less spending money than he has now...)

Agree with all the others who've said you must get some decent life insurance, for both of you.

Good luck

he needs to grow up

sorry .. there is lots of good advice here .. but it just enrages me ..

perhaps you try sitting down with him and doing a budget - monthly money in, take out sums for all bills, include holidays, amount for clothing etc each month and it may seem a little clearer to him what a good deal he is getting. i have to say he does appear to be pretty selfish, but if he's still into dungeons and dragons he probably is spending all his time with blokes who still live with their mum so have no bills at all. NOT the real world at all.

outraged on your behalf!
dh and I find it hard to sit down and work out a monthly budget together - I am pessimistic, he is optimistic and then we row
instead we each go off to our own corner and work out what we think we spend/need to put aside, then come back and see if it's the same or not
this might work better for you two if you want to avoid arguments
in fact, perhaps if you google, there is a list you could both fill out with common expenditure like mortgage, elec, gas, insurance etc
it might make him grow up a bit and think about what your family priorities really are

Quick hijack. DH and I have virtually no life insurance. However we do have the compulsory mortgage cover so the house would be paid for. And also we both get multiples of salary (4x) paid out on death. However it slighly concerns me because my salary is a part time one. But if anything happened to me I would need to be "replaced" full time IYSWIM. I think I have another £10K assured on top of that with term due in 2008.

Just want to say a big thanks to everyone who has taken the time to post. I tried to talk to dp this morning.

I daren't let him see the thread because I am worried it might set us on the path to splitting up. But I have tried to use some of the advice, which I am so grateful to people for. Dp doesn't know any other fathers really, and I did say to him that a reality check was in order. I think the trouble is that I would like to make some big changes, and whilst he isn't that happy with the status quo, he isn't happy with the idea of big changes either. I think that the glue that binds us is very much primarily our dd; we wouldn't be together if not and that is something I need to think hard about. This is why he doesn't set much stock by my personal happiness if he perceives that it will impact on him as an individual.

I work for the NHS and I want "to make a difference" in the world - that is why I get out of bed each day, and I need my job to let me do that. Right now we are re-structuring at work so that I feel I can't make a difference anymore - too much beaurocracy and I think a hidden agenda to make my grade of staff miserable enough to leave without paying redundancy. So finding a different job for me would mean finding something which I feel helps humanity, and as we all know there generally isn't much cash in that.

I have just been watching Dr Who - the parallel universe episode - and thinking that in a parallel universe my dp would love me for "wanting to make a difference" even if the money is not very great...

I have been feeling so low, for the first time I fantasised about self harm - now I am coming back up from that place and mumsnet has helped me do that. Thanks

what a horrible time for you..im glad you are feeling more optimistic..i dont have exactly same experiences, but your story rings true in ways with me.
if you need to chat, ill be around

thanks Evesmama

..about some things ringing true with you - things you have managed to resolve, or do you have some things that are worrying you at the moment too?

Oh mousie, hope it all works out. I think a lot of men do have trouble adjusting to life as a father, and the loss of independence/freedom that involves. That's not to excuse his behaviour, but I think mothers on the whole tend to have more guidance and instinct in this area. MY DH still has trouble with it 6 years on! But you must make him realise how unhappy you are and that by his relinquishing at least some of his 'pocket money', your situation could be improved. Good luck.

I have just has a shouting row with dp and I think this may be the beginning of the end.

After having the normal 3 day wait and multiple rows over me asking him to change a light bulb (the only DIY task he ever does, the rest is done by me and my 81 year old father)...I said I am just the same as a single mother for all the help he gives me. It came out that because he puts he works full time and puts his whole salary (less £450) towards the mortgage and bills, he thinks I should do EVERYTHING else (including all the things that men normally do in a relationship) and be grateful.

The house was mine before we met and the mortgage is less than if we were renting. But I have to be really grateful to him for his contribution! I contribute almost as he does much from my wages, and he made the choice to be the one who would work full time rather than me, so he has been able to develop his career whilst mine has languished as a part timer.

I feel really scared as I am horribly emotional all the time and this is upsetting my dd which makes me hate myself. My dp is still on the same level as a teenager and will never change, but I can't face the problem and its implications

oh mousie

your dp sounds like an arse. from reading what comes out of that £450, it seems that dungeons and dragons is a very expensive hobby! you sure he isn't stashing the money away?

don't really know what to suggest as to air your views properly and make yourself heard it sounds as though you'll have to argue which you don't seem to want.

my dh does share similar traits in that clothes for ds seem to magically appear and the bills magically pay themselves, he doesnt know how much our mortgage is. however, when i got an £11,000 bonus from work, i ddin't tell him it did go on buying our new house, but i ddin't want him getting his mitts on it and nagging me to buy useless shit. i earn twice what he does and put ni twice into the joint account and still pay for some meals out etc with my money. it's probably not 100% fair, but after years of arguing about money i'e reached a point where im'm reasonably content with it. he pops his money in every month and the discussions end there.

i hope you can get him to see sense

Blimey Mousie I sympathise with you working for the NHS – awful time at the moment with so many people uncertain about their jobs.

Doesn't sound as if you actually get much out of your marriage, I'm afraid. What practical difference would it make if you split up?

Oh dear Mousie - time to think practically. I presume you are secure in the house (ie your name is on the mortgage?) I have to agree with Edam - what practical difference would it make if you split? Could you buy him out/afford to rent somewhere else?

I know what you mean about not being able to face the problem - I'm in a situation a bit like that myself - but that's another story...

I don't like arguments because I want a stable loving home for my dd.

If dp and I argue it will show so that we both have to face it that there is nothing between us other than dd (who wasn't a planned baby). So far she has had a settled and secure life and I can't bear to take that away from her .

So in the past we have had a very non-arguing relationship, because if the relationship between you doesn't matter, it doesn't seem worth arguing over! Being so miserable at work seems to have changed everything in a very out of control way suddenly.

BTW I did tell dp that mumsnetters think he needs a wake up call, but he said he wasn't going to listen to a lot of virtual mothers who in reality were probably american men sitting at their PCs in their underpants!

Separate bank accounts work for myself and dp (newly fiance).
All the bills are paid from his account by direct debit each month.

Before I had DS I was the main earner (about £3k a year more than DP) but went to 30hrs pw after ds was born so he now earns about £500pm gross more than me.

I pay half the mortgage - he pays the other half and all the bills.
Grocery shops we take in turns and I take care of any of DS's needs as much as I can from my wages. That said, if I need anything it's offered straight off - I don't even need to ask.

We use Accor vouchers to pay for childcare costs (amount taken at source tax free from wages - exactly half each).

We are starting to save for the wedding now (probably may 2008) and will open a joint savings account for that, but I never mind how much DP spends on himself as I feel we have as equal a contribution as possible to the house. Yes he pays more but I do the housework and cooking too, and I make him happy.

We have never argued about money because we both know that the FAMILY comes first then what we want is at the bottom of the heap.

If there's money left over - do what you want with it without recriminations.
TBH though Mousie, your DP doesn't think this way and if that's the case and your finances are as separate as ours - that's DEFINITELY not a good thing.

He needs to realise if he's a part of your family - he needs to start thinking like a family man and not a happy-go-lucky singleton!