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Original poster

Dp says his disposable income is too low!

136 replies

mousiemousie · 19/05/2006 12:05

Dp and I have average paid jobs; I work 23 hours a week, he is full time.

From his wages he keeps approx £450 per month to spend purely on himself and feels extremely hard done by that it is not more. I think this is not bad for someone with a mortgage and a young child and can't think that there are too many fathers who have much more than this as "pocket money". Who is right?!!

OP posts:
Kathlean · 19/05/2006 13:39

Your P has £5400 for himself over a year not including any meals/eveings out etc that come from the joint budget and you can't afford a holiday and he thinks its' not enough.

If you look at that figure you could get a job you enjoyed for a few £k less and would be happy.

Wow I cannot actually print what I think of him on here I'll settle for selfish pig!

notasheep · 19/05/2006 13:42

Greedy so and so

compo · 19/05/2006 13:46

I would ove £450 to spend on myself!!!
By the way, roleplaying games are like Dungeons and Dragons I think.
My dh spends money on books, comics, boys toys like transformers (don't ask!!) but that is after everything else is paid for. We have about £100 each frivolous spending money a month - but eating out comes out of this too.

nicnack2 · 19/05/2006 13:50

My DP has dabout 450-500 left to himelf after paying into househild account. I work partime still pay into joint account and pay all childminding fees. i never ask for extra money and he never doesnt offer. will all change though shortly as i go back to work following promation and he becomes a sahd and will rely on me for money. I wonder how that will work........

nicnack2 · 19/05/2006 13:51

(blush) grammar and spelling not so good today!

adozenroses · 19/05/2006 13:53

Spending £450 a month on one person is ridiculous when you have no life insurance - and have a family to think aboutShock

Original poster
mousiemousie · 19/05/2006 14:03

I think it shows we haven't agreed together what our priorities should be - holiday, life insurance etc. We don't really try to agree joint priorities beacuse we know they are different and neither of us wants a row!

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 19/05/2006 14:09

I think it's time to sit down and talk about money and priorities as calmly as you can. I'd listen to what he has to say and try to accommodate his hobbies. Make it clear that he can still buy his stuff, but you need to change jobs and you need a good holiday. Explain very clearly how badly you need those things.

£5400 would pay for a great holiday and cut you a bit of slack in the job department, plus the odd computer game and upgrade...

You could also try going over what each of you is spending each month so he can see that you're not spending any money on yourself. Hopefully he'll see how selfish he's being.

wishfulthinking · 19/05/2006 14:09

Shock No life insurance - get that bit sorted sharpish. I still can't believe he thinks he's badly done to!

Original poster
mousiemousie · 19/05/2006 14:13

How could I make him see that other fathers don't have more than this though?

I don't think he knows many other fathers tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
mousiemousie · 19/05/2006 14:15

we both have pensions at work and I think there is a bit of life insurance with the pensions but I don't really know the detail Blush Thanks for the wake up call on that.

OP posts:
wishfulthinking · 19/05/2006 14:24

I can (sort of) appreciate how hard it must be to alter someones perception especially finances - always an immotive subject...for everyone. I suppose it's a case of catching him at the right time to discuss it (easier said than done me thinks?!). I really do think it's something you have to tackle particularly as it appears to be affecting you increasingly as time goes on. Is a a reasonable-ish person?

melissasmummy · 19/05/2006 14:28

I thought you had to have life insurance when you owned a house?

God forbid, but what would happen if something happened to him whilst he had no insurance? You may well be homeless...he needs to sort out what is more important to him & think about his family. He is no longer a single man, he has dependants, he needs to act like it.

I would be more than thrilled if we had £450 per month for a family, let alone for 1 person.

PinkKerPlink · 19/05/2006 14:29

i dont think we have £450 disposable in a year!

Original poster
mousiemousie · 19/05/2006 14:30

I would say that dp is generally reasonable, it's just that we have different views and attitudes on most stuff and are generally pretty incompatible, a fact which we tend to ignore as much as possible as I guess if we row we both think we might split up for good...so we muddle along haphazardly.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 19/05/2006 14:32

That's almost half my bloody monthy wage!!!

melissasmummy · 19/05/2006 14:36

But is haphazard good enough when you have kids?

Alot of families have far far less than that & parents happily go without for the sake of the children (not saying you or DH don't) but that money has so much more potental.

Life insurance is a must, whatever happens your child will need a roof over it's head for a long time to come.

We went on a mini break (5 nights ) & spent less than £500 while we wer away (£300 of that being accomadation for 3).

Wordsmith · 19/05/2006 14:37

It's fine having differingg attitudes and god I know what it's like to ignore issues cos you don't want to row about them (do too much of that myself I'm afraid) but I still cannot get my head round the fact that a man (or woman) with a family thinks of any of his/her money as purely 'his/hers' and not 'ours'! That doesn't mean you can't spend money on yourself, it's just all joint money as far as I'm concerned. Our joint money pays for my gym membership, same as our joint money pays for my DH to go to the pub and book a squash court.

LucyCampCat · 19/05/2006 14:38

Have you tried to sit down and discuss what your priorities as a family are?

Is it clothes, eating out, holidays?

Perhaps then your dp will see that you, when choosing to have children, are a family unit that works together for the good of each other and your child.

In my (limited!) experience couples that have such separated finances as this don't go the distance Sad

LucyCampCat · 19/05/2006 14:39

It also sounds as though some sort of relationship counselling would be useful.

Bozza · 19/05/2006 14:40

Well £450/month is relative but seems quite a lot for average paid jobs esp. when one is part time. I would say that is how much we spend on all four of us in a good month - for all entertainment, clothes, shoes (inc kids!), my hair, DS's swimming lessons etc. We are currently saving £150/month towards our summer holiday and £60/month towards a short break at half term.

Jessajam · 19/05/2006 14:40

Neither of us think in terms of 'your money' and 'my money' and never did even when we had seperate accounts. Neither of us has a 'chunk' of money for use to 'dispose of' each month, even if there is plenty in the account.
Dropped into dead faint at idea of spending 450 a month every month on ANYTHING apart from maybe a mortgage!!
450 too little???? my arse!

catsmother · 19/05/2006 15:57

You ask how you can make him see that other fathers don't have this much to spend ........ well, show him this thread for a start !

Everyone - mother or father would like lots of disposable income to spend all on themselves as they wish. But when you've made the decision to have a child, you have to start being less selfish and putting the needs of the family 1st.

Then, and only then, do you get round to looking at truly disposable income. Many, many families have NO disposable income at all - they work to live, month after month, year after year and are "forced" to find pleasure and entertainment in things which don't cost a lot of money. It's not always easy. As others have said, there are also loads of households where income is less than (essential) outgoings and where each new emergency means the build up of more debt.

FFS - he needs his spoilt, bratty head banged against a very hard wall ! He doesn't know he's born.

Of course, there are a minority of fortunate families, who, after shelling out for all necessities have the luxury of a decent bit of "spare" cash - but in all but the most neanderthal of set-ups, this would be shared equally, irrespective of who went out and "earnt" it. So what if x earns £xx and y earns £xxx ??? You can bet that x (usually mum) is contributing to the household in other equally valuable ways.

Strikes me this "child" of a man is throwing a petulant tantrum because he sees "his" spends being threatened should you alter jobs. Oh dear - he will have to "sub" you if you do that - cue all his pathetic toys (role playing games FFS, talk about getting your priorities right) being thrown out of the pram.

I agree that if he can't/won't talk sensibly about this, then some counselling may be required. I don't think you've actually said how much you have to fritter each month ? ...... how come his poicket money is deemed so important compared to your mental well being ? Even if you loved your job, his whingeing about "only" £450 a month to spend is truly, astonishingly pathetic. He obviously believes he has some sort of "entitlement", no matter what else is going on around him - hey, where would you be if you suddenly adopted the same attitude ?

Dior · 19/05/2006 19:42

MM - My dh earns a very good salary. We don't cut-down on shopping bills or going out with ds at the weekends etc. If either of us wants to have a night out with friends, it gets paid for out of the joint account. However, both of us discuss with the other what we want to buy. Dh earns all the money, but always tells me if he wants to spend any of it. If anything, I'm the one who spends without asking (only on things that cost a few pounds though).

Your dh is a selfish bastard if you are having to go without a holiday but he still has £450 a month to spend. When dh and I had £200 a month pocket money (pre-ds), it had to pay for our clothes and shoes as well as nights out etc.

I really am gob-smacked at this thread, and I feel for you...I really hope you can make him see that he is in the wrong.

Dior · 19/05/2006 19:44

ps wasn't trying to make out that we had loads of cash...what I meant was that, although we have a fairly good disposable income, it all goes on family things, not personal things.