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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

996 replies

LoserNoMore · 23/04/2013 19:06

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

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Report

Areyoumadorisitme · 20/05/2013 19:41

Hi LNM, just wanted to pop in and say there are probably still a lot of people like me who are thinking about you and checking in regularly but not really posting as we don't have any direct experience to offer you.

Sorry to see that you have been through the mill a lot recently but you are doing really well. Keep your chin up, there are lots of us rooting for you

LoserNoMore · 20/05/2013 20:03

Ah thank you.

What I meant by being made a mug of is that's how I felt. I was plodding along thinking I was in a happy marriage when for however how long he was shagging someone else. I felt like a total mug, like my whole marriage was a sham and I didn't even know it.

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JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/05/2013 20:24

your whole marriage wasnt a sham. It really wasnt. But what he has done is made you feel awful and NONE of it is your fault. You didnt choose this, he did. Idiot that he is.
He is finding out the grass isnt greener on the other side, but it is too late now!

It s a bank hol next Monday in England (and Wales I think) and I know a lot of people were off work today in Scotland, maybe Scottish bank holiday. So next Monday you might get an email free day!

Ive been reading another thread on relationships and my stomach is just churning. How men (and of course some women) can do this in a relationship is bloody heart breaking.

LNM - you will be fine. You are so not a mug.

CabbageLeaves · 20/05/2013 21:02

I struggled to 'reframe' and understand my (ex) marriage. I had a very happy marriage to start with (and for many years) but he changed and became abusive. The 2nd stage of the marriage crept up on me so that I didn't recognise it as abusive until I'd left.

Then it seemed a tragedy and I wondered how long I'd been in such a sham and travesty of a relationship. It really hurt and made me question everything. I felt stupid, grief stricken, regretful at the wasted years and lacking in confidence in a future.

Eventually I realised that my marriage had been happy, had been good. I have 3 lovely DC and some good memories. Its ok to miss that marriage. It is a bit like a bereavement and loss. You can mourn what you did have. It doesn't mean it was bad. It changed, which is the sad thing.

I think to begin with, its not really possible to view the past in this way because it makes the loss even more painful. You switch between mourning and hoping to go back to what you had and then in recognition that you cannot...you start to view it badly.

It will take time (sorry) but you will get to a happier place. I think you will fight your way through faster than many, because you don't shy away from difficult stuff. It is exactly that gutsy nature which is making you suffer in some ways but I think you will come through healthier (mentally) because you're confronting it rather than sticking your head in the sand.

LoserNoMore · 20/05/2013 21:06

Thanks Jax. Bring on the bank holidays! I'm trying to see the positives in my job. Weekends off (unless I want to go in unpaid, won't be doing that again) I can literally see the building from my house so no long commute and it's a steady job. Pity the management are shite or it'd be ideal!

Ex wants to talk again, I swear he never used to be this stupid!

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LoserNoMore · 20/05/2013 21:11

You're right cabbage. If 3 dc and happy memories is all I take from it then it can't have been a sham and it wasn't all for nothing at all.

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imtheonlyone · 20/05/2013 21:56

Cabbage - wise words

Good to hear you sounding a little more positive LNM - was worried there for a minute!

Looks like its time to be thinking of a new thread title - that's if you want to keep this going? Wonder if there's a record on the number of threads? I don't know what I would do without this thread - you're all such an inspiration!

When we starting skipping? I keep looking at my rope and 'thinking' about it

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/05/2013 22:00

no, it wasnt all for nothing LNM. He changed, shifted the balance.

What does he want to talk about? I mean, what does he have to say that you want to hear?
Not only has he royally fucked up your marriage, but also he came into your home and put his hands/lips on your body without being asked. He has also disregarded your feelings re DD birthday party. He is being a twunt of tuntingdom.

Im sure some village must have lost their idiot!

CabbageLeaves · 20/05/2013 22:17

I think he just took his wife and marriage for granted. He's an idiot who has made a colossal mistake. Problem is that if allowed back he'll learn from the experience, that you can get away with it. He's still thinking he can.

The point at which he realises he can't, is when the marriage is ended legally. Until then he'll regard this stage as an 'over reaction' and a prolonged response and punishment to his philandering waiting until you have him back. I imagine he's swinging between fear and irritation/anger with you

LoserNoMore · 20/05/2013 22:17

God knows what he wants to speak about. I'm just ignoring him.

Can't believe I need a new thread already! I've lost count. Not sure I'm ready to give up the support just yet, as sad as that sounds.

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imtheonlyone · 20/05/2013 22:29

Not sad at all!! We'd all miss you too much anyway!

He probably wants to talk about how 'nice' it was all being together for your dd's birthday or some such other twoddle!! Why can't he leave you alone??? He is clutching at straws isn't he??

Fairenuff · 20/05/2013 22:29

It's not sad at all. It's only been a few weeks. No time at all really. It probably feels like a lifetime to you and so much has changed, but it's a lot to adapt to in such a short time.

If he keeps asking to talk, why not just reply 'whatever you want to say, put it in an email'. That way you don't have to speak to him and you have a record.

What did he say to you at the party? Was he trying to guilt you into having him back?

LoserNoMore · 20/05/2013 23:08

He didn't say much at the party, gave dd her present. All smiles and chatting away to the other mums like he still lived here which made me feel sick. He came into the kitchen and I told him I was angry he came and I wanted him to go so he left. He did say yet again he and OW weren't together. He tells me that most times I see him, like it makes a difference.

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CabbageLeaves · 21/05/2013 07:25

Like it makes a difference indeed. It makes a difference to him. If he stopped thinking about himself and thought about you he'd see its not the issue.

I hope work is more of yesterday's experience for you

swallowedAfly · 21/05/2013 08:00

he made a sham of it. marriage is a contract - as in a deal between two parties who both both need to honour the conditions of the deal. you did, he didn't.

i think this is why i couldn't forgive an affair (i might feel differently about a one night stand instantly admitted - might ) but the lying and allowing you no control of your life, as in you carry on living the life you think you're in honoring something that they've ceased to honor and doing things you wouldn't do if you knew the truth - that to me is unforgivable. i couldn't forgive someone for not having enough respect and care for me to let me know the truth about my own life and have the freedom to respond to that and have proper choices iyswim.

Fairenuff · 21/05/2013 08:14

Next time he asks say, "Oh, there is one thing you could do that would make me think about it. Invent and build a time machine, go back in time and don't screw around" - smile sweetly.

The OW thing, is he telling you that he has abandoned yet another woman (and possibly his child) in an attempt to impress you?

Anyway, hope you have a good day, and if you do decide to continue on a new thread I, for one, will be more than happy to pop in for a chat. I know that your thread(s) will have to end one day but I've sort of got used to keeping up with what's going on in your life these days and, I dunno, somehow I'll missya < sob >

Keep on trucking, lovely lady x

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 21/05/2013 08:15

keep on posting here. You have a long way to go and nothing on MN says you cant have support or just general chit chat about your day. So you start a new thread, link to it and we will all keep chatting to you.

LoserNoMore · 21/05/2013 08:39

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1761065-Fresh-Start-no-more-losers

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LoserNoMore · 21/05/2013 08:40

Got to get to work. Have a good day everyone.

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JaxTellerIsAllMine · 21/05/2013 13:24

and you, Ive found new thread. Hope today is a good day.

PyroclasticFlo · 21/05/2013 17:02

Hey LNM, glad to see another thread, I'd miss you too if you stopped posting Hope work was OK, every day is a step further into your fantastic future (hug)

Flip

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