The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

[LoserNoMore]

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

[imtheonlyone]

I did wonder if he would just turn up what a pain!! I guess that filing for divorce will hopefully make him start to take things seriously.

And whilst you're there, you can add in the letter that he is not to turn up uninvited to your house at any time! He really needs to stop doing that and it seems the only way he's going to get that is through a letter.

You need your distance from him to grieve and work through your own feelings. It's going to make things so much harder with him turning up out of the blue and constantly texting you.

A combination of all of this, the stress of the party, not getting the job, hating your existing job, working too hard, etc, etc - it's so easy to see how you're drowning in it all - anyone would be!!!

If you could get some time off work I think that would really help. And whilst you're off you can apply for some others, get the ball rolling with the solicitor and eliminate the stress of him turning up unannounced. Maybe write a list of things you would like to achieve and then think of ways in which you can help to make them happen. And focus on something to look forward to. We all need something to look forward to!

And if all else fails - keep posting on here and feel free to vent any anger, frustration and pain ..... We're all here for you!

[swallowedAfly]

good plan to have gotten rid of the alcohol.

keep an eye on your mood now lnm. if it gets to the stage of several weeks in a row of feeling really down and not getting pleasure from anything you'd normally enjoy then it could be turning into depression.

again i think it's totally normal to be down and stressed and tired with all you have going on but obviously worth keeping an eye on it in case you tip into depression.

to try and avoid it remember: exercise, don't isolate, sleep and eat well and make sure you schedule in things you enjoy even if you don't really feel like it before you do them iyswim. avoiding booze helps too but you've already sorted that.

[CabbageLeaves]

I cannot add to the fab advice already given in the last two posts

[LittleEsme]

Neither can I Cabbage, but we're all here rooting for you LNM, and willing you on. We may be Internet 'strangers' but I worry about you and admire you from afar.

I too would be camped out on your doorstep if I lived closer so thank your lucky stars that I'm a Welshie

Let us start the virtual skipathon?
I'm mad keen to start training for a triathlon, but alas, I cannot, so skipping will start me off.

Rant here, don't keep it in. We're all wanting the best for you

[LoserNoMore]

Thanks again for all your advice. I am taking it all in.

I've managed to drag myself in the shower, got dinner cooking although the thought of it is making me feel sick. Got an ironing pile hitting the ceiling with my name written on it. Don't know where the weekend has gone. Bloody work tomorrow :( I can't afford to take time off sick or I would.

[LilyAmaryllis]

You poor thing and he is an absolute BASTARD for crashing the party. What does it take to get through to him. I would have had a nervous breakdown during the party if I had been in your shoes.

Look after yourself. Work must be a horrible pain, I know your boss is Mrs useless-and-unsympathetic but could you suggest that work hires a temp to work alongside you, because you have already flagged up that you are doing the work of more than one person, and it could be hire a temp or they lose you to health/stress issues and then where would they be?

[lazarusb]

Got to love the Sunday evening ironing...I think that's the main reason I look forward to the school holidays!

He knew you'd find it hard to turn him away if he just turned up. It was manipulative and calculating - nasty. I think that solicitor's letter is well overdue. He's playing a game with you and it isn't fair. He is in this situation because he chose to be. He is counting on you being a good Mum and using your dds to get his way. Sometimes you need to put your interests and feelings above theirs.

As for work, keep looking to see if you fancy anything else. Take care of yourself, you are such a nice person and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[PyroclasticFlo]

Hi LNM, glad to see you back and I sympathise with the ironing, I've just attacked my pile and managed to vanquish it while half-watching Countryfile on TV, I must be getting very old!

I feel I should qualify my last post - didn't mean to advise getting drunk on a regular basis or that it was good for you, but that sometimes if you do and it helps you let go of the stiff upper lip and allow the howling rage and sorrow out, that it can be a good thing. At the very least, don't beat yourself up about it, I think is what I meant! But the fact that you have thrown the alcohol away sounds impressively strong, and is a sign of just how together and fantastic you are.

In the absence of anything else useful that I can do, I'm sending a prayer to the Gods on your behalf, in the hope that they can send you the most wonderful new job by some fantastic serendipitous coincidence . And please know that we're all here, rooting for you, ready to listen, wishing you well and applauding your strength and the hugeness of your heart. What a great and loving mum you are. Your DDs are so lucky to have you.

FWIW I second those ^^ who have said time to lay down the law with your ex, start proceedings if it feels right for you but at the very least tell him in no uncertain terms that he has no right to turn up unannounced and that if he does it again there will be consequences. Your home needs to be a sanctuary, somewhere you can feel safe to be yourself and to look after yourself, sure that the walls can't be breached and that no-one who could hurt you can get near. Do whatever it takes to build that safe space for yourself. What an arse he truly is for turning up like that.

Big hugs.

[buildingmycorestrength]

What a prick! Honestly, he's an arse. All part of the 'she doesn't mean it really' thinking he seems to indulge in.

Do you feel ready to enforce the boundaries more strictly? Show him you mean it?

[lowercase]

He just has no consideration for any one but himself.
Selfish to the core.

I had trouble with the booze, progressed as my relationship broke down...be careful with that ( as you are being )
Your DC need you at full health.

Revisit some meditations to relax you, try a bit of visualisation or prayer if you are that way inclined.

Thinking of you, sending a huge, bright, warm umbrella of protection over you and girls.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Have I already posted about the free 'take a break' app? Short relaxation exercises. Nice .

Also on YouTube are many free guided relaxation visualisations. All different lengths. Meditations for Moms is a nice channel.

Hope you are okay.

[LoserNoMore]

Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

Wish I could fast forward a year. I wish ex would just listen and accept its over, I wish I didn't have to go to work again. I wish I knew if I'll ever be totally happy again :(

[JaxTellerIsAllMine]

Oh love! I fucking well knew he'd turn up! What a prick. I'm livid for you.

And SAF I didn't get name checked either.

Take it easy on yourself - emotionally you are bankrupt. You WILL be happy again, course you will. But in the meantime just keep plodding away.

[LoserNoMore]

Note to self, never try and name all posters who have been a massive help. Sorry Jax and SAF (and just everyone who has taken the time to write posts)

[lowercase]

Would like to share Louise Hay affirmation...
I know it's not for everyone, forgive me please if it's not your bag!

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect,
Whole and complete, and yet life is ever changing.
There is no beginning and no end, just a constant cycling and recycling of experiences.
Life is never stuck, static or stale,
For each moment is new and fresh.
I am one with the very Power that created me and this Power has given me the power to create my own circumstances.
I rejoice in the knowledge that I have the power of my own mind to use in any way I choose.
Every moment is new beginning point as we move from the old.
This moment is a new point of beginning for me right here and right now.
All is well in my world.

[Fairenuff]

I would have bet money on him turning up.

He asked if he could come. You said no. He turned up anyway. Says it all really

Time to get that chain on the door?

Also, I agree with those who have suggested starting divorce proceedings.

[imtheonlyone]

You will be happy again LNM - you will!! Even though it really doesn't feel like it now, you will!!

And eventually he will accept its over - eventually!!!

But you may have to go to work again .... And none of us have yet found the way to time travel - although I would defo love to do this too sometimes

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. Your ex is such a dick. Keep posting and venting. It will get better, honestly.

[CabbageLeaves]

I felt the way you do LNM. I hit several lows and could see no hope.

I am now secure, happy, confident. Life is better, soooooo much better. Not only better than when going through it but better than the marriage ever was

I had a lot of reasons to believe my future was bleak...older than you, various family issues, financial crisis and job was awful.

Life still has its challenges but my soul is calm and peaceful. I can cope

[JaxTellerIsAllMine]

morning LNM - today is a new day, a new start to the week and you need some positive affirmation that you are 'worthy'.

You have come so far in the past few weeks, but you need to speak to your friends in rl. They WILL help you if you let them. But you need to let them know how you really feel inside. I know it hurts, I know its scary, but you will be fine.

[lazarusb]

You know something, you may feel awful right now but at least you aren't in the position you were a couple of months ago - in a supposedly happy relationship with a man who was cheating on you and taking you for granted while you were oblivious. It may not feel like it now, but you are better off than you were then.

Your life WILL improve...but he's always going to be stuck with him!

[bobbywash]

I've lurked mainly and posted on one of the other threads, amazed by how you've coped and functioned with all this.

Things will get better, and you will move on. I have, unfortunately seen it many times. When everyone tells you that it will get better there is always a degree of scepticism that it will, but it does. The timescale varies for each, and for those who have the most traumatic breakups it can be longer. The thing is not to think or worry about it, which is much easier said than done.

[LoserNoMore]

Thanks, I've got the take a break app, core strength. I'll give it a try later.

Work was actually bearable today. Think it's a bank holiday in some countries so I managed to clear my emails First time in months my inbox has been tidy (there's a joke there somewhere)! Probably back to usual tomorrow.

Managed to eat a huge plate of chilli too, and I feel so much better for it.

Lazarus, you're right I am better off now than I was. At least I know what's going on and I'm not being made a mug of.

[swallowedAfly]

to anyone whose opinion is worth a damn he'd have been making a mug of himself, not you. and now, inevitably, his arrogant gambling has blown up in his face as anyone who knew and was not a complete fool will know he deserved.

those who think otherwise don't think straight imho.

[bleedingheart]

Yes indeed, you are not the mug!!!

I'm glad you had a better day today, I really hope work improves for you.
I really feel he thinks he can emotionally bludgeon you into having him back by showing up, calling etc and texting wistful messages. It is so unfair that he still feels entitled to do this and it is very sly of him to use your DD's birthday as he knew you wouldn't kick off there and then.
All good wishes to you LNM.

[lazarusb]

I didn't mean you were being made a mug of, I just meant that sometimes, however painful, it's better to know the truth rather than not know it...if that makes any kind of sense!

You have actually achieved a huge amount in the last few weeks, you've held together your family in the face of devastation, kept going for your dds. Additionally, despite the fact you hate your job, you've kept going in and getting on with it. It takes a strong person not to crumble in these circumstances, I am in awe of you.

I'm glad you had a better day and that you enjoyed the chilli. I'm a firm believer in food