The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

[LoserNoMore]

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

You have not gone backward!
Still pressing on through difficulty in fact.

Very insightful last paragraph, full of strength and determination.
Not going for the comfort, going deeper, into the character building.
Massive statements at this stage on your journey.
People take years to get to that point, some never get there.
As they say on the street, respect.

it's about making himself innocent and a victim - which is flabbergasting but sadly how a weak mind works.

i'd send him an email saying that you and the girls had no 'choice' when he went out and shagged another woman and risked his family, no choice over his contraception choices when he did and no choice over what stds he then could have been exposing you. i'd also say that actually you had no 'choice' but to kick him out when you found out because you have self respect and that is who you are and you would have thought once that he knew you well enough to know that. tell him it is up to him what he does now because there ceased to be any 'us' at the point he CHOSE to cheat on you and he is now living with the consequences of that choice. he can now choose to be on his own or carry on with the other woman and live with the consequences of that too. i'd then make very clear that you are done with late night drunken text messages and calls to the house and if he ever does turn up there pissed at night you will automatically call the police so if he doesn't want to deal with the police he can choose not to.

one big disclaimer to stand for all time in his pathetic head. he chose this - all of it. none of this is your doing.

i'd then add that child support needs sorting as whilst he's out pissing money up the wall night after night your children are still need supporting.

Definitely agree with SAF on those last 2. The audacity of your XH knows no limits. The fact that he is still trying to put the blame on you just says that he doesn't want to accept that he's screwed his life up. If he did accept it, he would at least be getting on with things in a mature fashion & would either be happy where he is now (having made a choice to be with OW) or would be focusing entirely on trying to prove to you that he knows it's his fault but that he is willing to change in the hope that you'll take him back. Not ringing, texting, turning up at all hours, emotional blackmail, messing you about, flaunting his fling, & taking advantage of your continued reasonable behaviour.
I'd second threatening to call the police if he turns up at night too. It's your house, not his. Hopefully you won't need to actually ring them, the threat should be enough but at least if you do it'll give your solicitor more evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

Hope you had a good nights sleep with no unwelcome visitors. And if you can't get the lock fixed today, at least put something against the door. (Nothing too heavy - you need to be able to get out quickly if there's a fire - something light weight but that will make a big noise if it's knocked over.) I've done this in the past, gave me enough peace of mind to get to sleep at least.

I see it as just more steps forward, to go backwards you would have taken him back.
He is getting increasingly desperate. That shows you that you are really the one in control here.
Hope you're ok today?

You have made huge progress, but his behaviour shows that he hasn't even begun to process the consequences of his actions.

You don't have to respond to anything he has said. You can insist that arrangements
re the girls are made by email, anything else goes through your solicitor. Then it couldn't be clearer that you're not being drawn into discussion, or taking him back. How long it takes till he understands is another matter...

"He said I've given him no choice but to move in with OW."

What a contemptible shit.

"Waah, poor me. My wife won't give me the chance "everyone deserves" to treat their family like shit. So now I have no option but to move in with the girlfriend I knocked up behind her back. Because acting with any kind of honour or integrity is just not an option."

Hi LNM, hope he didn't turn up and you managed to sleep. What a prize cunt he really is!

LNM, it is really interested him saying that about having to move in with OW.

He is telling you, and himself, that he should not have to be expected to stand on his own two feet. And he has normalised it is in head, so he thinks it should be obvious to you too.

This man is a child, and lacks maturity.

Hello LNM, I have been following your story from your first thread.
I left my ex. I have struggled to understand his thoughts, motives and behaviour - this did involve another woman - his 'old friend from childhood' coming to the conclusion he is a narcissistic and I ought to stay out of his way for the sake of my own mental health... He lied, spun things, used this woman's family and his knowing them all his life to excuse the fact she was around...
I am not in a position to offer up advice to others going through heartache as I am going through it myself.
But - I finally have one thing I can impart to you which may help you short term. With your door. I had a sticky door here when we moved in and while I was waiting for it to get sorted out properly, I used some rapeseed oil to help with the locking/unlocking. Give it a shot, it works wonders on anything that is hard to work, that squeaks, that presents you with the need for The World's Strongest Man to budge, like a key in a lock

Good luck to you as you go forward. I left last year, in February. This February I reflected back over 12 months and, first of all, I got through them. Secondly, I am managing and third, I do not have to listen to his spin on everything ever again - its peace of mind you crave after somebody fecks over your mind (let alone your heart). Its hard to come by but slowly and surely it comes, in drips and drabs. It takes a long time to undo the harm caused by another person but it can be done with some grit and hard work - you seem to have a lot of grit... And I am sure that if you can fix a fence (going way back here!) You can fix a sticky door...

i said he'd move shack up with her once he accepted you weren't having him back. it's so predictable. he is a spineless little man who can't live his own life. if you've been together since young then he's probably gone from mummy's home to your home together and will never have had to face reality on his own and the kind of responsibility it takes. i'm afraid he's now showing himself to be little more than a parasite rather than a full human being. he has to live off others - be that literally or energetically. he cannot stand on his own two feet.

he's kicked out of yours so he goes and feeds off of his sister. the thought of getting his own home never occurs to him. you don't want him, he can't stay at sister's forever so he'll go move in with this other woman. that to me is a parasite and a child you know? like a totally developmentally stunted person. anyone who has grown in any kind of honest reflective way and aimed to be a full person would know that moving in with her was wrong and they needed to get a place of their own etc.

his head must be full of self justifying lies, defenses, projections and delusions to face himself in the mirror. what a waste of human potential to never grow up and be able to face reality squarely!

he has shown himself to be so much less than you and presumably so much less than you thought he was.

morning Ellenm. What an absolute dickhead! None of this was YOUR doing, it was ALL his choices that brought this on. He didnt need to shag someone else, not use contraception and he certainly doesnt HAVE to move in with OW. He is looking for an easy solution = you take him back and it all goes away, except it wont will it?

Did he come over or was it just another thing to fuck with your head?

You are doing brilliantly well, you have had the worst month ever and you are hanging in there. He on the other hand, doesnt seem to know what he is doing. I suspect he has relied on you and his family for everything and got his own way - in a manipulative way, without you realising in the past.

There isnt much else he can throw at you now - him and OW moving in together isnt your fault at all. And I suspect its designed to guilt trip you. All he can do is use the girls, the OW to hurt you and try to make you feel guilty. Dont let him. You are better than him, stronger than him. x

As before he didn't appear, I think he just says he's coming round to see what I'll say?! Don't fucking dare seems to work.

I've sprayed some WD40 in the lock, it's a bit easier to lock.

With regard to child support he has been transferring money over every week, this is just an arrangement between us. I am going to do it through CSA as he is so unpredictable that he could just stop. I don't think he would but I didn't think he'd shag another woman either.

Thanks for all the advice and sharing all uour own experiences. Wish I was a year down the line.

Anyway, new day. No more vomiting from anyone, waiting on my bed coming. Today WILL be a good day.

What a contemptible weak spineless excuse for a man

I'm so sorry he's being an arse but have to say its fairly typical and you're right to sort finances next :(

That will be his next 'lever'

I wouldn't be responding to any text messages not to do with access to the girls.

If he did turn up and cause a nuisance that's when the police get called, you and your neighbours deserve to sleep in peace without him singlehandedley doing a Romeo and Juliet recital on the patio.

Hopefully you've sorted out your finances now so you don't go short.

Good morning LNM. I am another one who very very rarely posts. Been a member a couple of months - been a lurker for a couple of years! I just had to say I have been reading from the very beginning, and must admit how much I admire you. You have been a pillar of strength to your children and reacted to everything in a manner that you should be so proud of.
Sometimes, when you are wading through an incredible amount of shit, it does seem as though you are getting no where and slipping backwards. Take a moment, look at your home, your girls and gather your strength. Today will be better than last night xx

Glad you got through last night and that he didn't turn up LNM, and even better news that there's been no more vomiting!

What a prize arsewipe your Ex really is. As ever I second what SAF has said upthread - a dignified email laying out the facts that all of this is his choice, he is not to try and lay any blame on you and that your only concern now is the children. If he wants to go and shack up with OW because he can't contemplate living alone and taking responsibility for himself and his actions then that's her problem, not yours.

Wishing you a happier, stronger, healthier day today, and please don't think of this as steps backwards, it really isn't, you're doing brilliantly.

What a complete c*#nt he is.

Another lurker here popping into add support.

I remember when I was going through the turmoil of my marriage breakup, a wise person saying to me

"you ALWAYS have a choice, you might not like it, there will be hurt & consequences, but there is ALWAYS a choice"

He made his when he jumped into bed with Miss Loose-Knickers!

Just nipping in quickly to say - if he does move in with ow (and I'm sceptical that this isn't is a ruse to get you to give in at the moment), you may want to rethink the overnight stays with your dds. I'm not sure that staying with her will be good for them, or even viable re:proper beds etc. Maybe mention that to him? I know if she stays in his pathetic life there will be contact at some point but it's very early days for that yet.

I cannot believe the gall of the man - to imply it is your fault - or even your choice - that he moves in with her. Unbelievable!

My blood is boiling on your behalf - but I hope your enjoying a vomit-free, new-bed day!

I suppose the only silver lining is he's making it easier to know the choice was the right one, and he isn't who you thought he was. The man you believed you were married to wouldn't have the selfishness, stupidity or sheer gall to try to use the allegedly pregnant OW as a lever to force you to take him back. And the pathetic thing is, he clearly doesn't know that such a threat is a guarantee that you wouldn't be able to, anyway. What woman could, in that situation, even if she didn't have your dignity and courage? You might as well hand all the self-esteem, power and control over on a platter if your spouse has started to use his own affair as a weapon against you, inside a month! He should be trying everything to compensate, not behaving like a toddler denied a fucking biscuit. "Well if you don't let me have it I'll, I'll, I WON'T BRUSH MY TEETH EVER AGAIN!" was heard in this house earlier. Words and concepts may differ but maturity and sheer bloody stupidity are the same - and my guy is four years old!

Grrrrr. So cross on your behalf. Cheeky fuck, I hope his knob gets caught in an industrial drill.

I'm here, LNM, holding your hand. No way is it two steps back for you. For him, the man-child, yes, but not you.

So much good advice from SaF, and everyone else. Hang on on there.

LoserNoMore I keep thinking of your post last night "I'm so annoyed at him for making me feel uneasy in my own home" which is such a dreadful way to be made to feel! Awful beyond belief.

I don't know if you would remember me previously mentioning mediation? I think maybe in your last thread?

Not ... I must emphasis ... with a view to giving him another chance, but from the point of having a mediator help you agree on things like maintenance, contact and parenting and especially (and maybe I didn't say this bit last time) the mediator can help you in setting ground rules against last night's sort of behavior.
Mediation can give you the opportunity to have your say on (for example) how things like last night's phone call affects you and your daughters, why it's inappropriate, and steps you can take to enforce appropriate behavior, if this continues. Worth considering, maybe?

LNM I deeply sympathise with your current situation which is why I have come onto your thread, albeit, very late. This new development you have, where he is moving in with her is resounding with me. My ex moved in with the woman in question and sent me copious amounts of text messages before it and while she was drafting in her clothes. They were along a similar vein to what you have got - I would call them goading and taunting and laying blame for the situation occurring directly at my hand.
Our situations are far removed in the sense my children are a lot older than your children so when I decided because of his taunting over moving her in, to never pick up another phone-call from him. Never respond to another text message. It was easier for me as my children could be told, if they wanted contact, they could have it with my blessing but I could no longer be the point of contact. I had taken all that I could take and was mentally breaking down. I knew it, they could see it. So ignoring my ex was a whole lot easier for me than it is for you.
I see him and her still. Only last week I was at traffic lights and they were also, across the road from me. It still hurts, the duplicity of it all. But you will get a year down the line and be stronger. You have behaved with great pride in yourself throughout this - you prove the old adage that we can't control the actions of others but we can control our reaction to their actions.