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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

996 replies

LoserNoMore · 23/04/2013 19:06

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

OP posts:
themidwife · 04/05/2013 00:00

Hello I am! I'm not one of the core members but will I do?

JollyGolightly · 04/05/2013 00:07

I am up, mostly lurking and waiting for ds to wake for his feed. So impressed with you, Ellen M! Feel sure that many good things lie in store, though they might seem elusive at present.

sleeton · 04/05/2013 00:21

I'm here.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 04/05/2013 00:22

The midwife, of course you will. Everyone is more than welcome to advise me on this crappy situation.

Ex has text me. He said I've given him no choice but to move in with OW. If I don't give him another chance he might as well set up home with her and start again. His spelling is shit so I think he's drunk. I can't believe he's actually going to do this. I should have seen it coming but it's a shock. Once again he's turning it round on me. He surely can't be expecting to take dd's to her house any time soon.

He said if I want to talk now he's on his way. Wtf.

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 04/05/2013 00:25

First, remember that this is not your fault. If he wants you back, he would move heaven and earth to prove to you that it is you and only you that he wants. Moving in with OW, is not proving that he wants you back. Threatening you like that, is not on.

If you want to give him another chance, then give him another chance, but honestly, do you trust him, do you think he will do this again, do you want to live with a man like that?

He has made his bed and now he has to lie in it. What happens to him from now on is the result of his own choices in life

Xales · 04/05/2013 00:27

Oh please he never stopped seeing her! How is that making any sort of effort to show you he wants to repair you marriage.

Text back 'there is nothing to discuss I hope you will both be very happy with each other each knowing you have shacked up with a skanky cheat'

Don't let him in if he turns up and is drunk.

lowercase · 04/05/2013 00:27

You can ring the police if he gets out of hand.
Talk when he's sober?
If YOU want.
You have been through so much, soon the fog will lift, honestly.
Hang on xxx

skyebluesapphire · 04/05/2013 00:27

he has a third choice, to be on his own. He doesn't have to move in with her just because you don't want him back. If he genuinely loved you and wanted you, he would be telling you that and asking you what he could do to make everything better. He is doing none of those things.

Just remind him that these consequences are all the result of his own actions, that nobody has made him do anything.

If he is drunk and you feel threatened in any way, don't let him in, or call the police.

Bessie123 · 04/05/2013 00:29

Oh, lnm you have obviously brought this on yourself, you,home wrecker Hmm

He is such a nob, it's frightening how people can change so suddenly

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 04/05/2013 00:31

I will never give him a second chance. I've made it clear so many times. It's like he's torturing me, I know if he doesn't shack up with her he will eventually with someone else. It's just all so raw. I wouldn't have put myself through the past few weeks trying to come to terms with it just to let him waltz back in here. He seems intent on twisting the knife more and more.

I know I've said it umpteen times now but wtf happened to my husband?!

OP posts:
Xales · 04/05/2013 00:36

It is designed to hurt you. Don't forget he knows you better than anyone.

You refused to grovel, cry and beg him to come back. You have started going out and having a life.

He is kicking you and trying to get the hurt he wants because he can't believe you would really dump him over such a small indiscretion.

It is revenge.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 04/05/2013 00:36

Bloody hell, what a knob! At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that she is his pathetic second choice- good luck to them, because it will be miserable for both. How nice for her, to get a cheating arse who really wanted to get back with his strong, funny, capable wife, but had to make do with her for cheap digs instead. What a prize!

the choice was all his. What a donkey!

lowercase · 04/05/2013 00:38

You are in the way of him getting what he wants.
So he's punishing you.
Selfish, entitled wotsit.

After this comes suicide threats iirc.

skyebluesapphire · 04/05/2013 00:39

OK, so you seem sure what you want, which is good. Just remain firm and remember why.

Your H has joined the ranks of Twunts, Chunts and Knobheads, of whom sadly there are many.

They seem to have personality transplants, and what actually happens is that first they remove any nice feelings for you and they replace them with zilch, or annoyance or resentment. So no matter what they did, it is all your fault, always has been, always will be. All sense of reason and fairness is also removed, thereby whatever you do will be deemed unreasonable.

He will twist the knife because ultimately he wanted to carry on having his cake and eating it too, but he got busted and you made decisions for him. If this isn't what he wanted, then he shouldnt have hooked up with OW.

Make it plain to him that you will not discuss things with him when he is drunk and then when he is sober, make it plain that OW is welcome to him, that coming back is not an option and that you will be quite happy for him to move in with OW, as long as he sees the DC regularly. That should take the wind out of his sales and confuse him for a bit Grin

skyebluesapphire · 04/05/2013 00:42

oh yes and hasn't OW got herself a lovely prize. as Platypus says, she is his second choice - he will go to her if you dont want him. No doubt he is telling her the complete opposite.

doesnt your heart just bleed for the poor little diddums who has royally fucked up Hmm

don't take any shit from him and if he keeps going on about you going out and pulling etc, tell him that you are not like him, you dont rush from one relationship to another.

WildThongsHeartString · 04/05/2013 00:43

He is trying to make you shoulder the responsibility for what is happening now, ie if you don't do this or that..

LNM, none of this is down to you! Choose your path for yourself and your girls and stick to it. He will continue to flutter around on the periphery beating away but be strong and follow your instinct. He is not the man you thought he was and he cannot deal with the fact that he is now exposed for his true self. I am sorry you are going through this, but be true to yourself pet 'cos truly he is now insignificant in the rest of your life and that's just how it's gonna be...(experience talking, 1 year down the line and you won't be including him in your life decisions, I promise)

50shadesofbrown · 04/05/2013 00:46

Hi Ellen M. Lost the thread for a couple of days, just caught up. He is an unbelievable idiot! He's really going all out to prove his dedication to you & how sorry he is for ruining everything, isn't he! It just stinks of trying to get back at you for not taking him back.

Hope you feel better soon & that your stupid boss catches the lurgy from you, maybe she'll be a tiny bit more sympathetic then...

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 04/05/2013 00:51

Thank you.

I'm just getting myself worked up, he really knows how to push my buttons. I can't get the back door locked. It's always been stiff and you need to pull the handle up and push it really hard but it won't bloody lock. I'm so annoyed at him for making me feel uneasy in my own home with the girls here.

OP posts:
lowercase · 04/05/2013 00:56

Maybe needs some wd40?
Securing your home is important at the mo, well, it has kind of grown in importance over the last hour, what are you like with tools?
Could you tinker with it over the weekend?
Watch a tutorial?
Ask a neighbour to look at it?
Hire a locksmith?
Change the lock?

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 04/05/2013 01:01

I have wd40 in the shed somewhere but it's pitch black and the torch is in the shed, didn't think that one through. I'll be able to have someone look at it tomorrow. Now I have no phone signal, good old O2. Never rains but it pours. I don't think he would do anything bad if he was to appear at the door but I don't want to see him, I don't want him here. It's making me anxious.

OP posts:
Xales · 04/05/2013 01:03

What sort of lock is it? Couple you tie a dressing gown cord or belt around a handle to something else?

lowercase · 04/05/2013 01:04

If you are worried, call 999.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 04/05/2013 01:16

I've managed to turn the key just enough so it can't be opened.

Just going to bed, thanks everyone. 1 step forward, 2 back, yet again. When will he actually stop messing with my head? As long as I let him I guess. Had enough of it all. Goodnight.

OP posts:
JollyGolightly · 04/05/2013 01:52

Sleep tight, Ellen.

Homebird8 · 04/05/2013 01:56

Sounds worth getting that lock sorted properly. Can you afford a locksmith or can you sort it yourself. You don't need to be worrying about when it's going to play up next time. Sleep well.