The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

[LoserNoMore]

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

Oh that's good he rang to apologise. If you've used him before then that's fine - it's often hard to find a good one you're happy with

I think I would go with those saying song respond now. You have tried your best to get him to maintain a relationship with the dd's. you said in your email to contact you when he's ready to make a concrete arrangement re access so there's nothing left to say is there really?

I'm with you on the wine tonight! Just walked in from school/work. DP doesn't drive so I drop off at station and pick up every night (quite a bloody bind ). So we've all been out of the house the same amount of time! He's walked in and gone straight up to lie on the bed . The house is a tip as I mentioned before!! Granted, my ds's are not his biological kids but he lives in this house too and he's just left me to do everything. So me thinks I will feed kids and get them to bed and much as I am itching to tidy and clean out my feet up with the wine that I just bought . Anyway, enough about me!!

Happy Friday fellow mnetters!!

Hope you're ok lnm - you sound a bit more up than yesterday?

Quite right - I think you need to lay down the law a bit here LNM, he's taking the fucking piss. He needs to be told - in your own fabulously calm, no-nonsense style - that parenting isn't optional and isn't something that can be fitted around other things, it's other things that have to be fitted around his DDs.

You don't need any of us to tell you this of course, you know it and I'm sure you're gearing up to do just that. You really are dealing with this so amazingly, I know that sounds trite but I have so much respect for you.

Well done for going to the solicitor, what a pain in the arse that he couldn't see you today. Hope the retail therapy helped !

I wish i bought more So Co, im trying to study but my brain dont wanna walk.

PS also on the just a small glass while DSs watch a bit of CBeebies, they had swimming lessons after school and it's always absurdly stressful getting the after school on a Friday when we're all knackered and grumpy.

That's my excuse at any rate...

i understand people saying don't contact him, don't chase him, not your responsibility etc however it is bloody hard work to be a full time single parent and he should take some of that responsibility.

access isn't just about him and the girls it's the mother's right as well to have him do some of the time so that she isn't working 24/7 and actually gets some time. ds's father doesn't see him at all. i am very lucky that my parents are around and are close to him and have him sometimes because never having a day off to yourself is incredibly draining, incredibly quickly and it really isn't fair on the OP given they consciously made this family together in marriage as a partnership. abdicating from his marriage vows shouldn't mean he gets to abdicate all responsibility for hte children he chose to make.

i will obviously support you whatever you decide is best for you lnm but i'd be cautious of letting it just slide into him never having them as he'll soon get used to his total freedom and long term you really need some support especially as you don't have family around to give you a break. without my family i'd be buggered because sometimes you just have to have a break. D&V springs to mind as a scenario where you really want someone to come and take over parenting

I've given him the opportunity to discuss seeing dd's, when do I say fuck it, you contact me? I don't know, they are asking me if they will see him this weekend. One more email asking him if he wants to see them? God, he is making it so easy to hate him right now.

I have a couple of things planned this weekend, nothing exciting. Dd3 has another bloody birthday party on Sunday. Dd1 has a football tournament Sunday too.

Trying not to think about going back to work on Monday :(

I think where people are coming from is that lnm is doing all the running and stressing about him seeing his dd's. Yes he has responsibilities but you cannot force him into spending time with them. And also lnm doesn't need to be the one stressing about it and running after him - save your energy for your dd's! Lets face it- you need it!!

I knew how hard it is to be a single parent with no local support from family and it is bloody hard work. From my perspective I just don't want lnm doing all the running and stressing.

Perhaps just reiterate what you said before? It's disappointing he's letting the girls down and they're upset. Contact me when you're ready to make concrete arrangements re access. And leave it at that?

But defo get some down you whatever you decide!!

X posted with you SAF, you speak sense. I feel I need a break right now. Just to be able stick on my music full blast, drown my sorrows and have a cry without worrying I'm upsetting the girls.

It's a hard one to call, I guess I've been pretty damn patient with him up until now. I rarely contact him, that email was the first I've contacted him first in a while. I need to know where the girls stand, I need to be able to tell them what's happening.

i just think don't ask him if he 'wants' to see them or to contact you when he is ready. tell him - dd has party on saturday, dd has x on sunday, this is their schedule. you need to have them this weekend as it's your turn to do some parenting and they are keen to see you so i will drop them off at time x on saturday and you keep them till sunday evening.

dykwim? why 'ask' him? he's their father and they're his responsibility too. tell him and make him actively refuse to have them rather than allowing him to just decide whether or not he bothers to reply.

from what i've seen you either make it damned clear from the start that they still have responsibility for their children and have to do their share of taking care of them (even if that means driving them to his place knocking on the door and saying bye girls) or they never will.

Can you just say to him what you've told us LNM? That your DDs are asking when they can see him and that it's now his responsibility to make a cast iron arrangement to do so? Maybe reaffirm that this isn't about you / your marriage, it's about his children and that sometime soon there (may) will be a court order in place regarding access so he needs to get used to making them a regular and non-negotiable part of his new life.

Forgive me if this sounds a bit self-help-book-y (I'm a personal coach among other things, underneath this normal exterior!) but regarding work can you think about what your ideal outcome would be? Maybe it's a new job, maybe it's your boss knowing about the situation but not having to talk to him/her about it, whatever... Then you can take the steps needed to make it happen. If it helps imagine one of your DDs in your shoes and think what you'd advise her to do. Could you email your boss the bare bones of the situation so that they know about it but you don't have to discuss it face to face? I there a friend you can ask to help with brushing up your CV and start looking for something else? Anything you can do to be clear about what you want, so that you can take small manageable steps towards it, will make you feel better.

I find that when I have a situation I dread, the best thing to do is look at worst case scenario(s), plan for how I'd deal with that / them and then anything else is a bonus. Plan for the worst, aim for the best, and be positive. Ask for the help you need. And have some I can't imagine how draining all this must be xx

Tell him what i told my ex, "We may not be together anymore, but we responsibilities still, DD's love you as their father and will need regular contact with you, im happy for this to take place, as its in the girls best interests, if you choose to prioritise others over them or cancel when it suits you, the only ones who suffer is them, they are the only ones who will be let down and left crying because you have let them down, do not let them down again, they do not deserve to be let down, im open to discuss regular contact, let me know.

Listen to SAF - what she says sound much better!!

Happiness is not something that money can buy. It comes from within. Someone tell DD this! She came out of school whinging and has been whining ever since. Really really whining...so that I wonder if she's going down with something. I need wine to cope with the whining.

Financially...I can't moan because I have a good job and a lovely house, big garden and take hols etc but I'm still sole earner and feel vulnerable. We live frugally day to day. I can't sell currently and house is too big for me so costing me more than I want for heating etc. I really can't moan but I'm very tired of working at my job so hard.

Happy...mostly yes. Tonight I've finished another 45-50 hr week and am working Sunday. It's not always like this so one day I will only work 37.5 hrs I am lucky that I can work at home and start after DD has gone to bed so it doesn't affect her too much

LNM I can't really advise much about the DD but I know you'll want what they want. I would be careful of setting a precedent of you doing all the running around and tolerating crappy treatment. He'll let you. At some point a lightbulb may switch on and he'll realise what he's doing to the DC. Until then I suspect he'll be a crap father. Although you want them to see him he may not give them the attention they need...or may take them to OW which would be very unsettling for them. I suspect he just cannot parent on his own and relied on you previously.

X-posted. SAF speaks sense. You've been patient for long enough and he's taking advantage LNM (and the piss, too), time you told him how it's gonna be. It's only fair, for all of you, DDs especially but you too.

I'll send him an email later when dd's are in bed and before I've had that glass of wine. I like the idea of telling him I'll be there tomorrow at such and such time. See what he says to that.

Flo, sorry just seen your other post about work, that's a good idea. I'll speak to my manager on Monday. I feel like I'm suffocating at work, I'm scared of fucking up big time and I'm sure she would rather I spoke up than make a mistake costing thousands.

Good idea LNM, always better to be upfront about things IMHO, and I'm sure you'll feel a massive sense of relief once you've told her. You have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, everything to be proud of. You're doing amazingly and the fact that you want to be honest with her in order to make sure you don't fuck up at work speaks volumes - you take your responsibilities seriously. They should be bloody glad to have you there by the sounds of it. I know people who've been signed off 'sick' for months on end when going through WAY less difficult situations than you. Good on ya, girl! And good luck emailing ex, stay strong and calm and righteously outraged for your DDs (think lioness when her cubs are endangered) as you always are xx

It's a tough one...he is clearly going to take the piss to the extent you allow it.
I would say, if he doesn't want a access to his daughters to put it in writing, but you still need to agree on maintenance.
Tell the girls that you thought he would see them but he texted to say he's busy?
Tell them the truth, in a matter of fact way.
Don't expect anything from him, detach as much as you can.

Fuming on your behalf.

Nothing will come of it if you give him a piece of your mind, you won't get what you want and will end up feeling like shit.

Well I didn't need to send an email, he called, asked to pick them up at 8 pm tonight. Bit later than I'd have liked but girls all excited about going out in their pj's, even if it is only in the car. They've just left and now I feel all teary. He said a Friday evening until Sunday suits him fine to have them every week. I told him I'm not discussing it right now but I work mon-fri and would like some weekend time with them too so we will hopefully come to an agreement. What to do now...

[Wine] LNM, i might have to break out the secret vodka, it seems im having a down day too.

I know it sounds like he called the shots there and he probably did but I'm so tired tonight and couldn't be arsed arguing. I hate feeling like that but I've no fight left just now. The dd's are happy and that's all I want.

Loulybelle I'm eyeing up the vodka too, not sure wine will cut it tonight! Chin up.

I try LNM, but i realised that even my 30th is gonna be in my long line of shit birthdays, from 23 til now, they all been pretty crap.

Yip birthdays just don't get any better. Every year they are a let down.