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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.

996 replies

LoserNoMore · 23/04/2013 19:06

Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!

I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1726699-Last-train-to-Loserville-Part-2

Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.

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CabbageLeaves · 26/04/2013 20:33

LNM this is a transitionary phase. What you are aiming for is a situation where you know where you stand. It's nice to plan a weekend rather than have your plans changed to suit another

Hot bath? Glass of wine, MN? Good book? Tonight

What's tomorrow hold?

swallowedAfly · 26/04/2013 20:35

the dds are happy and you've got some time to yourself. no need to fight tonight. obviously he's not having every weekend the cheeky beggar. but you can deal with that later.

i'm having a glass of beer. only bought myself a tiny amount as i don't want to overdo it and feel crappy tomorrow but i did really fancy a drink.

it's ok to feel a bit teary - get it out if you need to lnm. it's safe with the girls not there.

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 20:36

Yeah bath can't be trusted showering in an empty house pint of vodka, I mean glass of wine obviously. Catch up with Coronation St, maybe some Ashley Banjo. Get the guitar out and chill. Sounds like a plan.

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swallowedAfly · 26/04/2013 20:42

AND you play the guitar. you're just so damn cool lnm Grin

i have locked the chooks in, let ds stay up watching telly and am mn'ing in my bed. it may not be rock and roll but it's quite cosy.

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 20:49

Ha I try SAF, I like to pretend I'm a member of The Stone Roses and play Sally Cinnamon. Best song in the world.

I do that with dd's, let them watch some shite on the Disney channel on a Friday night. Hope your chooks are behaving!

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JaxTellerIsAllMine · 26/04/2013 20:57

Im not having any wine/vodka and forgot to look for cherry So Co in Tesco today.

But I am glad you have got some time by yourself LNM. You do need to get some time with the DC at the weekend too, so I would suggest every other weekend and a couple of hours and tea after school during the week. Depending on his shifts. Get it in writing, get his shifts in writing too, so you know where you and the DDs stand.

Once there is firm boundaries and settings sorted out, he has no option but to let them down or show up.

Loulybelle · 26/04/2013 20:57

Jax, get me bottle when you find it Grin

CabbageLeaves · 26/04/2013 21:03

I normally let D stay up on Friday but tonight she's driving me nuts not herself, so off to bed for her.

2nd glass of wine and have just decided to not work tonight

I'd love to play the guitar. It's both cool and chilled.

I've been through various stages of contact. Upset when without them, thrilled without, with time on my own, unpredictable contact, unreliable contact and no contact for 4 months when DD broke down crying one night and I rang and asked him to see her. He wouldn't fetch or return her so I drive her across for 45 mins and he then went to the pub. He then asked for 50/50 contact...... Since then he's settled into 24 hours every fortnight. I'm grateful for this stage. Nil support financially. Meanwhile he told everyone 'he just wanted to put the DC first'

Mostly I wonder what I ever saw in him!

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 26/04/2013 21:03

ok lou so long as you study hard now. Wink

Loulybelle · 26/04/2013 21:05

I trying, i promise, my brain is on strike.

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 21:17

I'll feel better once it's all sorted. Then we will all know where we stand. Hopefully.

What you studying loulybelle ?

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Loulybelle · 26/04/2013 21:21

Social Sciences its part of Criminology and Psychology degree, its sooooo boring.

imtheonlyone · 26/04/2013 21:34

Enjoy some time for yourself this weekend. Glad you don't feel bad that he's called the shots - you needed this too! And your girls will love spending time with their dad.

Defo get something sorted though - does he seriously think he's going to get every weekend??!!! Cheeky buggar!!!!

Wine Cheers lnm - and everyone Grin

perfectstorm · 26/04/2013 21:36

He said a Friday evening until Sunday suits him fine to have them every week. I told him I'm not discussing it right now but I work mon-fri and would like some weekend time with them too so we will hopefully come to an agreement. What to do now...

He's still being selfish. The family courts typically want every other weekend with either parent, because that's the fun time. Weekdays is the grunt work, when you have to focus on meeting their physical needs alongside working yourself. Standard split is either a shared care arrangement (rarer, because it can unsettle kids, but not unknown) or every other weekend, with a mid-week overnight (usually Wednesday) each week if the parents live close enough together.

I don't know if you have mediation in Scotland? It's a useful way to thrash out arrangements with a neutral 3rd party, if you do. But in your position and with regard to some stability for the girls (I doubt they will want to live with his new situation that soon) I would think every other weekend and maybe a weekly overnight might be a good idea. Maybe talk with the girls and get an idea of what they would like, going forwards from now? As he's not reliable might be an idea to stress they're just ideas, and "Daddy's work might not make that possible" (boak). But it would give you an idea of what would work best, alongside what they would like to happen if they chose for themselves.

I haven't been posting because you're getting so much great support, but I have been thinking of you so much, and admiring your strength and honesty. I wish we could collectively get you past these horrible weeks and on to the gentler waters of the future, but as we can't, please know that you could not be less alone. A lot of women all over the British Isles are thinking of you and your daughters. xx

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 22:01

Oh perfectstorm, thank you. That's good advice, and I really have had amazing support on here. I don't know what I'd have done without it. Well I do know, I'd have got on with it feeling pretty much on my own.

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LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 22:13

Isn't it typical, I'm nearly pissed and everyone buggers off

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swallowedAfly · 26/04/2013 22:14

my ds often stays at my mum's on a wednesday evening so i can do a longer day at work and get an earlier start the next day. it really breaks the week up when he does. if he can collect dds from school one day a week and have them overnight and take them to school next day it keeps him more involved with schooling and the reality bits of parenting like uniforms, spellings, reading, rushing to get to school etc. that would be good for all of them - and obviously you want it to be good for the girls. it's nothing compared to doing it every day obviously but it's at least a bit of reality and him still being part of the girls wider lives rather than just someone they see on weekends.

mid week is nice because you get to catch your breath and have one morning where the only person you have to get up and ready and out of the house on time is yourself and the day feels much easier just from not having to do the school run (and the day before not doing the pick up).

i'd possibly aim for insisting on the midweek overnight to go with the alternate weekends iiwy and negotiating.

swallowedAfly · 26/04/2013 22:14

i'm still here - relatively sober though. contemplating marmite on toast as a bedtime snack.

cjel · 26/04/2013 22:23

Have been on the phone to DM all evening, I haven't spoken to her since Easter so it was good to catch up. No drinking here just popcorn and chocolate again. Early night here Dgds at 8amxx

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 22:32

One night midweek and every other weekend sounds good to me. It's fair.

Marmite, I've never tried it. Don't think I'd like it. More of a peanut butter person! Crunchy.

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CabbageLeaves · 26/04/2013 22:36

I love marmite.

I'm binging on marshmallows, chocolate and contemplating Haagen daz in the freezer.

Loulybelle · 26/04/2013 22:38

Im thinking of going back for a Mint feast, diet meh.

LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 22:38

I need to go shopping, I want chocolate! Fruit and Nut

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LoserNoMore · 26/04/2013 22:39

Oh god, mint choc ice cream is my favourite! Stop it.

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Loulybelle · 26/04/2013 22:39

fridge raid, fuck the diet!!!!!!