Staying with dh after om

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

I don't normally post on here, but fgs, get up and just GO. There will never be a better opportunity, you have a house lined up, your rent paid, just DO IT. You're obviously a smart, sensible woman...do you honestly not see that to bring your children up in this kind of atmosphere is not acceptable? You're doing them a grave disservice if all they see of relationships is the woman cowering under the man's lash. This is not "giving them everything", by any means. Your husband has made it perfectly clear how this is going to go if you stay. You will slowly but surely be left with nothing, in every sense of the word. You will not be allowed to work - wtf is that all about? - and eventually you will not be allowed out of the house without his say-so.

You have the perfect opportunity and the means to leave. Do it NOW. Please.

I think you have to look at it from the perspective that at the moment they are living in a home which is broken, with parents who are broken and breaking. If you leave you will both be able to have the opportunity to make safe stable environments for yourselves and the children.

You are not responsible for trying to make sure he does this if you split and if he doesn't then your role is exclusively damage limitation.

Groundhog, my children and I are much closer due to my being divorced, they are happier and have chosen not to see him, which I will have finalised in court next month fingers crossed the judge agrees.

The difference between the frightenend little mice they were when I was married to ex is shocking, when you split, speak to the school and see if they will offer extra pastroal care for your chidlren, my eldest was given CBT by the school SENCO as the duration of the marriage had really screwed her up poor thing.

Your chidlren will be happy not having to walk on egg shelsl and live in an envrionment where there is a threat of violence.

Definite kick.

I hope you have already gone. :)

Delurking to give you a loving and gentle but firm KICK!! Please go, it's the best gift you can give yourself and your DCs xx

how are things, OP ?

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages x

I'm still here, I didn't go to work as he just went mental about it.

I've decided that I'm 100% leaving dh.

The things he said to me today are too disgusting to even repeat on here. I knew then really that I'm beginning to now hate this guy and I don't want to for dcs sake.

My parents are back in a few days and ill be sitting down with him and them as mediators effectively and agree on contact etc.

I've not spoken to him all day and just been trying to avoid each other.

I'm just trying to imagine life on my own with dcs and it scares me but tbh, I've pretty much been on my own throughout the marriage.

I know I need to stay strong for dcs but it's bloody hard when I feel like a little chicken inside.

I'm going to work tomorrow..... With dh. Yes I know. It's ridiculous. But I just want to go in and deal with all the urgent stuff. I'm hoping dh will sit there outside my office and feel like a prize idiot. It's just for a few days.

You do what you need to do, love.

If h insists on coming to work with you tomorrow, just utterly ignore him. He is making a prick of himself, tbh.

You do need to leave him. How could staying with such a man be better than getting your life back, on your own terms, and preventing your dc's from absorbing some very damaging lessons about relationships ?

It is pointless but perhaps also equally pointless to tell you over the things said up thread.

I do think you need to think very carefully about allowing dh to come to work and sit outside your office like a guard dog. OM would be well within his rights to have him removed by the police if he wanted. It could potentially damage the business (that may well be his aim, to make it so that you can't work) and it sends a message to DH that you believe his very disruptive and controlling behaviour is right which ultimately puts your children at risk because he will attribute a change of heart about his behaviour to your unreasonableness very easily if you try to assert something different when you split.

I'd also seriously warn against having your parents as mediators. If you absolutely have to sort out contact before you leave then do it with an actual mediator. Your parents will not be able to help you in this way. It would be entirely unreasonable and unfair to all of you to try it!

I have lurked but had to post.

Go to work tomorrow. If he has to sit outside (or even inside), then so be it. He will feel very small about it, no doubt. You just carry on, be professional and get on with your business. He'll get bored soon enough.

I too was so scared to leave DH but I did it. God knows what I was so scared of. It's actually a lot easier than your mind thinks it will be. You are already doing it anyway.

Wishing you strength.

I second that you need professional mediation here.

Consult a family law solicitor ASAP and start the divorce ball rolling

Surely with your training you understand that family members are not in any position to be impartial ?

Offred- I was only going to ask my parents to sit in just to calm the situation. He does listen to them more than me and they have a way of talking to him which I don't.
Obviously if we can't agree then it will have to be via a professional.

Uppa- was your ex dh similar? Did you leave for similar reasons?

AF- I think he's already instructed a sol. Yet to hear anything from them though. Again we will get professional mediator if we can't work it out between us.
I did family law as part of my course almost 10years ago, i really only remember the basics. Wish I had studied something that could have actually been of use to me in RL though.

Earlier on dh told me that I have disrespected him and our families and let the dcs down. He said he doesn't want us to stay together and I should leave asap.

He was upset.

I felt like shit.

You shouldn't put your parents in the middle of your marital dispute, it won't work out well. I doubt they speak to him differently. It is a bit pointless even if they do, they're your parents, he can turn on them when he feels like it. Pick and choose what he listens to, he has the power. The fundamental thing is that he has to respect you.

He needs to be expected to respect you and learn how to do that. A marriage is just a marriage. If he really cannot respect you he isn't safe to look after dc. He doesn't have to like you, he doesn't have to love you, he can even hate you but he absolutely must have respect for you, or at least be respectful to you, as a person and the mother of his children or they will suffer whether you stay or go.

Focusing on trying to get this done with as little overt disagreement as possible is not good. You need to make sure you get the basics right and accept a certain degree of conflict as long as it is productive IMO.

The most basic thing being getting him to accept that you are a person and not his chattel.

Offred- I think he respects me in his own way but obv recent events have led him to lose any respect for me and I can't blame him at all.

And I honestly didn't involve my parents, dh involved them by telling them everything. I like to keep my family out of my business as much as poss. I hate to give them more stress, they are retired and should be happy and relaxed not fighting my battles.

But anyway. I can only blame myself now and I just hope that things can be civil going forward.

You need to remove yourself from this situation, so you both get space. Move into your flat.

'In his own way?' You mean not at all? sorry love but there's either respect or no respect. He has not demonstrated he has any for you.

You haven't done anything really bad at all.

Morning xx

So today I'm going into work with my bodyguard aka dh.

Om is really not happy about this at all.

I feel totally torn in the middle.

Last night dh txt me another 20odd times. Saying he will be getting married again asap blah blah. Really giving me the major guilt trip.

It's weird but it really bothered me the thought of him marrying someone else. It just felt wrong. Is this normal??

I don't know how ill feel having dh and om in same vicinity.

I keep wobbling from being 100% sure abt leaving dh to doubting myself.

What's the right thing to do?

One other thing I didn't mention, sex life with dh was literally non-existent from the day we married. I used to absolutely hate it. It was boring and monotonous.

He used to really do my head in about it and I used to eventually cave in thinking well if I do it tonight then he won't bother me for another week or two.

That's awful isn't.

What are the chances of that improving if I was to stay. And that had absolutely nothing to do with om.

Hi OP, been reading, but not posted yet. In answer to your last question, I think the chances of that improving if you stay are nil.

You don't love him. You don't like having sex with him. He is behaving as if he owns you, which will not help.

Am aghast that he should be accompanying you in to work in this way. I understand about you doubting yourself. Guilt has a lot to do with this.

But, really, what is the worst that can happen if you leave? And the same question again if you stay.

From where I'm sitting staying looks a whole lot worse.

Best of luck with the crazy activities of today.

Thanks Scarlett, I appreciate your advice. I'm leaving for work now. Ill post back later and update as to how it went.

Feeling full of dread already. :-(

Don't be. If he wants to follow you around like a scorned puppy, let him. Just get on with your day.

I mean, is he expecting that you'll have mad sex with the OM in the office? Him accompanying you is ridiculous. It's territorial, and intended to punish and embarrass you, and to intimidate the OM.

Don't let him embarrass you. Let him sit outside for as long as he likes. He's only wasting his own time, and making himself look like a fool.

As soon as you can, leave. It'll be much better out of this situation.

You know what the right thing to do is!
Please stop blaming yourself.
You have been in a horrible relationship for years and years.
You now need to get away urgently.
Good luck and hope work is going OK!?

All the sex stuff, the bombarding you with texts about marrying someone else, the following you to work etc it is all about demonstrating to you that he does not recognise you as a person. You are a thing to be used and replaced when you are no useful.

No-one can make any of these choices for you, no-one should. We all know what would be right but you need to see it too. Perhaps he has not been bad enough to open your eyes, perhaps he never will but believe me as a child I grew up in a house like (less bad though) this and it is why I modelled that behaviour in relationships as a young adult.

I do not have a close relationship with my parents, who are still together and I will never forgive them for prioritising their (broken) relationship over their four children. My mum has actually said if faced with the choice she would choose my dad over her children. Which is what she has actually done in practice. She has said it is more important that we achieve than are happy. We all have broken relationships, anxiety and although successful have all really suffered from their (religious) ideas about keeping marriages together.

My dad is a selfish and controlling bully. My mum has to actively maintain a cognitive dissonance about her life, if pushed she always chose him, in the most ridiculous circumstances, I think really simply because she is afraid to defy him. Please think properly about how your boys will feel. They're at terrible risk of growing up just like him, disrespecting women and blaming/hating you and calling it love.

Saying he will be getting married again asap blah blah

That's great. It means he'll get off your back.
Give him the link to POF.

I know it probably feels as if he doesn't care about you, but you know it.