Staying with dh after om

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

Love, this is untenable.

he has told you now how it is going to be. He will never "allow" you to work outside the home.

Did you envisage that when you worked so hard to get your qualifications, that you would ever find yourself being dictated to as to whether you could use them by an inadequate man such as this ?

If your husband is out, just pack your stuff and leave!

You have a house to go to, you have a job! Your pay is good! Whether you stay with OM or not remains to be seen but you dont have to decide that now!

Freedom is at your fingertips, it is just a question of grabbing it!

Why are you even trying to negotiate with him!? It is not going to be possible.

In my experience calling the police helps you do precisely that. Sometimes it is necessary to enforce an atmosphere of civility and the expectation that an atmosphere of civility is required. The police would attend in those circumstances to aid you in doing precisely that! What you have here is not an atmosphere of civility at all.

Not calling the police I think cannot be so much about trying to keep things civil, since they already are not. I think it is often about keeping things secret, not wanting to confront or feeling afraid that if you do the non-civil person will escalate massively, frighteningly and humiliatingly and you will no longer be able to avoid the truth about them.

We probably all understand that. It is very difficult to reconcile the idea of yourself as a big important career person or intelligent and articulate etc with the idea of yourself also being the victim of abuse. This is how abuse happens and I think for some abusers bringing down such a person into their complete control represents an extra satisfaction compared to choosing someone who is already cowed.

Again Offred is right.

You can be as civil as you like, but this is not going to help you, as your husband is as far from civil as he can be!

I have done bits around the fringes of the law. Not legally trained but have a bit of insight.

You need to reframe your husband. He is not your husband, he is the opposition. He is the opposing solicitor with the nutjob client, he is the nutjob client, he is the court clerk that has lost your file and randomly relisted your case. He is the judge that is ignoring the research or who has decided to be awkward, asked for reports with a ridiculously tight schedule but reserved the case to himself so you know it won't get a hearing in the next six months. This is the nutjob client that wants you somehow to win a case based on his temper tantrum and with no reliable connection to any legal form or precedent - HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND AND IT IS GOING TO GET WORSE.

hth

Af- I never thought I would be in such a position. I worked hard to get where I am and tbh I feel abit worthless now.

I wish I had the common sense to sort out my issue with dh rather than turn to om. Om also is a sol. We just had alot more in common and he really understood me.
It's all blown up in my face now and I guess I deserve all this. I feel like I've brought out the worst in dh by my behaviour.

Offred- maybe dh does like the fact that he can control me because he knows socially and academically I am in a better position than he is. But he still gets to wear the pants and be the man where it matters most.

Quint- negotiating with dh is impossible right now. He has involved all my family and is now saying he's going to see oms family and dw and tell them everything too. Oms dw knows anyway now but I don't see why he has to take things to such a level.
What I'm trying to get through to him is that we need to sort out stuff going forwards and forget about om for now. But he's fixated on om only and blames him for everything.

Lisamed- that made me laugh. Do you know all your examples have actually happened to me so many times?! Pesky judges. Lol.

In all seriousness, I've pretty much decided that I need to leave dh now. I feel very very depressed they I've done this to my innocent dcs.

I got the house organised and school organised precisely because I wanted to do things properly and in an organised manner so dcs would not be caught in www3. I had intended to sit down with dh and discuss everything re contact etc.

But it's gone the complete opposite way.

you were talking about 'wanting to keep things civil' but they aren't

rowing and saying disgusting things in front of the dc, that horse has bolted I think.

It was always going to go the other way IMO. Your DH has never had any intention of being reasonable.

Fundamentally I think an exercise of apportioning blame is completely redundant and unhelpful. It is not your fault though, if I had to apportion blame based on what has been said.

Honestly, you have lived as an emotional island because, largely, of the destruction of any intimacy or ability to be intimate caused by your controlling and abusive H. From what you have said he does not love and care for you in a healthy way, he is one of those people who have grown up confusing love and relationships with power and control. He may have wanted to have you, people who love you don't want to have you, they want to love you!

You haven't even done anything that bad. So what you had your head turned and kissed another man, fell for him, made plans... Not desirable, but in the circumstances very understandable, don't you think? OM probably helped you to stay so long by making the marriage bearable.

Women's aid I think would very much help you readjust your feelings about yourself.

For now though you need to do some things, even if you have to fake the strength, to empower yourself.

I suggest that they would be packing up and moving into the new house this afternoon. Calling OM and apologising for today at work, explain you are moving into house but that you need to put a hold on any discussions about a possible relationship while you deal with the actual marriage breakdown and the children's transition to the new home, do not promise him anything and make it clear that you will initiate discussion regarding any relationship when you are ready then state that you will be coming back to work and that you will be in work tomorrow/when you think is reasonable. Then delete DH's details, block him from communicating with you for now. Give yourself at least a week's break from him to settle in the house. Think about speaking to the police on 101 for advice and also women's aid.

But also don't beat yourself up if you want to wallow a little in self-pity. The priority in life terms has to be actually keeping hold of what you have (dc and business) whilst you think and keeping yourself safe but you are allowed to have feelings about that.

When I was a court clerk I was sworn at by some of the best solicitors in the county lol - and met some lovely ones as well. Really wishing you luck.

Call OM and ask him to put the keys for the house at work or something. Use Offred's advice for speaking to him and asking him for time.

You can do this. You need to get away from your husband.

You know something offred, after I had dc2, om used to call me every day to make sure I was ok and that I was eating/sleeping properly. I genuinely believe that because of him I didn't get pnd again.

Dh was nowhere to be seen. After I had both dcs. I received no physical mental or practical support whatsoever. I'm not excusing my behaviour btw. Just saying that dh now refuses to see that we had out problems for so many years. Not just suddenly when om came along.

My parents have now asked me to stay put and soon as they get back they will help me to sort everything out. Not sure whether this means staying or leaving though.

I feel like a coward and just want someone to tell me what to do and do it for me.

you're an adult, nobody is going to live your life for you.

you either leave and take repsonsibility for your own happiness and that of your childrens or you stay with in an unhappy marriage and hand all control and autonomy over to an already controlling an unpleasant man.

It will be much harder to leave once you've shut the door on yourself like that.

whats the worst that you think will happen if you get divorced?

Nobody can do it for you, love

Offred's advice is very good. But we can't give you the strength to sort it out. You have it in you ...dig deep and you will find it. I don't think your H has quite managed to destroy you completely just yet.

go to the house, let your parents help you from there when they get back.

This is a controlling man who is losing control.

The quicker you move, the more of yourself, your children and your belongings you will save. I really think it is that serious.

It is funny how many women with abusive husbands get PND isn't it?

small steps, no blame please.

Make yourself safe, look back after and assess.

Offred that's great advice, I think I will do that. I don't know whether I should wait for my parents or go tomorrow.
I definitely want to get away from dh and om and work and just be on my own with dcs. I've actually considered moving abroad, pretty drastic I know. But I couldn't practice law outside uk.

Lisamed- I would never swear at you or anyone that's really awful. But it can get quite heated can't it. Especially when it's not going in your favour! Thanks for your advice xx

Caja- I have the house keys already. Remember I mentioned that dh took them from my bag and went to the house behind my back.
It's pretty much ready to move into. Just food and other basic essentials to pick up.

Arrrrrggghhhh.... Someone come and give me a big kick on the arse

wearing soft bunny slippers

Don't wait for your parents. If he is out now then go as soon as you can. Any delay will provide the possibility for further speculation and procrastination. It will delay your ability to actually take back control of your life. Don't think, just go, your parents aren't actually here to see how difficult things are and you may not be able to fully count on them to be your friends in this if they have the same religious beliefs.

Letting him come back and then going another time will just create another opportunity for a massive stink. If you cannot face going today then make your decision immovable in your mind, keep it secret and wait until he goes to work.

Last time you were getting a right load of grief from some court clerk that has three GCSE's to their name but think they are God because someone has been crazed enough to make them listing clerk, I am sure you dealt with it professionally, coolly and with detachment. That's what you need now, this is adversarial negotiations. Your parents are third parties who are not sympathetic. You have the thought processes to deal with this very efficiently.

Really wishing you luck!

Go on, go now. It's ready, and waiting for you. That couldn't be any more perfect.

kick kick

Fuzzy- just worried about impact of divorce/separation on dcs. I always thought I would give them everything in life. Materially they have it all but emotionally they are going into a broken home. My biggest fear is dh being awkward re contact.

Af- I hope your right and I do have that strength your talking about. I feel as far from strong as is possible right now.

Offred- I know the longer I stay the worse it's going to get. It's getting worse by the day. I have made the decision in my mind to leave dh now. It would take a major miracle for us to have a chance now. I'm going to look into any practical help I could get ie benefits if I have to leave work. I've paid more than fair share of taxes, I must be entitled to something right? I only get basic child benefit at the mo.

Lisa- omg, some listing clerks think they know it all!! I've come across some ridiculously awkward ones. Sometimes I wasn't always cool though and it resulted in slamming phones down! I thought I did have the thought process to deal with it efficiently but evidently not.

Caja and quint, thanks for kicks! Can you manage a shove too?

I am seriously overwhelmed at the advice I've received here. Can't say it enough.

I know of at least one Chief Clerk (or whatever the term is now) in a top tier court who started with the Civil Service at 16. Just think of the qualifications they started with - scary! And they weren't the worst that I've heard of by a loooong stretch.

But not as scary as your position. You have the skills, take the emotions out of it, look for minimum loss to your position (hint - not staying with your husband is a good start), quickest resolution, etc. This is urgent damage limitation with high risk to the most important client of all - you.

hope this is helping. It's a long time since I had to prepare a file.

i'm offering massive kicks from here.

just go!

how on earth realistically could the effects of separated parents be upon your children than the effects of things continuing as they are? they really, really, really can only get better off by you moving out.

you don't have to give up work - you have a well paid job - a new house to live in ready and waiting and...??? what's not to love when the alternative is becoming a bloody victim of house arrest with a jailkeeper who is a nasty bully who won't even be able to provide adequate financial support let alone emotional, mental and practical support for you and you children?