Staying with dh after om

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

like offred i will never really be able to forgive my parents for putting their own fucked up relationship and issues ahead of us. if i think of it i think of them as incredibly weak, selfish and childish.

please don't think staying together in a case like this is for the sake of the children - it isn't for the real children but for the adult children who are afraid to stand up and be grown ups.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your messages x

So we went to the office. He sat outside in the reception area and just watched me and om in our office. For like 3hours straight. Didn't move from his seat. It was very awkward. My hands felt so cold and clammy.

We left to go home to get dc1 from school. On the way whilst I was driving, he asked me something about the business. I told him I couldn't answer his question as I didn't want him to have this info. So he went off on one. Started going on with himself. Said soon as we get home, pack your bags and leave.

I went to get dc1 and went to supermarket and when I got home he'd packed almost all of my stuff into bin bags.

It's getting to the point that I'm just mentally drained. His constant txts and and threats and wanting things done his way.

So I'm going to leave tomorrow......eeeek. Scared.

Offred- I'm sorry you have these issue with your parents. Doesn't sound nice. But I know people who are in these kinds of relationships and it's sad. Once the dcs have left, how can you spend the rest of your life with dh/dw alone.... I wonder how your mother gets by day to day like this.

Lueji- what's POF???

Swallowed- that's exactly what I feel like. A 32yr old child. It's hard to think about though going out into the big bad world on your own with small dcs.

Hellsbells- thank you x think I will always blame myself. After all I'm the one that met om. Fell in love with him. I wish I'd sorted things out years ago.

Dh has told me that he's going to finish work early and carry on packing my stuff for me.

What did OM say? Does he still want to be with you? Does he still want you to go and live in the flat? Where will you go?

Poor you! Your husband sounds like a total dickhead. You need to get out. But what about the children? Will he let you take them too? What will you do tonight?

Big

Please don't let him decide what's yours to take and keep everything else. Do look round and add things to the bags that you and the children might need - if you can do that and be gone before he finishes work that would be even better. I'd be surprised if he doesn't kick up some kind of fuss when it comes to you and the kids actually leaving if he's there.

POF..Plenty of Fish. A dating website.

well, your H did say he would replace you quickly enough, so let him get on with that. Less hassle for you.

DON'T DO IT!!

I'm not even familiar with your story but this has alarm bells ringing in my head. You will be utterly miserable with this man and by giving up work you are weakening your position even more - run while you have the chance!

Caught up. Good. Fwiw I think you are making the right decision.

Uppa- om wants to be with me. He wants to marry me. Right now that's the last thing on my mind though! I'm actually put off for life.
But he's there and supporting me so let's see what happens. As people have suggested I'm going to get counselling organised and have a man free period. I just want to give my dcs all my attention right now.
I'm going to shift all our stuff into the house tomorrow. Was trying to think of all the things I need to do, all I could think of was sorting out sky and broadband. Lol.

AF- POF sounds interesting but dh already has POF's lined up. I don't expect him to stay single but surely he should hang on until kids are settled into a new routine. They going to have enough upheaval as it is.

Rat- thanks x I hope I am doing the right thing.

Anastaisia- he's packed all my stuff into random bin bags. Really p'd off. It's all going to need ironing now. Hes already told me I can take anything I want. But I just need the basics.

I feel like a complete and utter bitch taking dcs away from their dad. I hope they will forgive me.

Dh woke me up at 3am to 'talk'. Came in to my room and got into my bed. I asked him to leave as it was middle if the night and dcs were sleeping.

He wouldn't leave. Said it was 'our bed' and he wasn't going anywhere.

So I went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.

5mins later he followed me and stood over me souring at me for over an hour. Whilst I hid under the dcs green blanket scared.

I was scared.

He said I should leave the dcs with him as they love him and they want to stay with him (dcs are 2 and 5).

I'm genuinely scared.

Sorry that should be 'shouting' not 'souring'.

Been there. :(

I ended up leaving with DS and nothing else with the excuse of going to the supermarket.

He's following the script abusers have.
Get out when he's out, or get someone else to help you.

You should not stay there any longer. He may well turn violent.
Say nothing of your plans, and call WA when you can if you can't leave this morning.

Are you ok OP?

FWIW don't feel bad or that you are taking the kids away from their Dad,it's amazing what Dc pick upon,my DS1 is 13 now and can remember us arguing when he was 3.

It doesn't sound like he thinks you will move, hence throwing things in a bag, gad he sounds like my ex, standing over you, all about control and making you scared. please leave asap.It's hard at first but so much better when you find a routine and everything settles down.

gad = god

Do you think he was being sexually threatening getting into your bed?

Hope you are ok? :/

He may just be saying that about the dc but if it is true that they say they want to stay with him that is not unusual for children of abusers, they often learn contempt for the victim and also to keep the bully onside. It is a reason to remove them from his day to day care. Rationally children should not stay with someone who is sexually, verbally and physically threatening and who plans to "get another wife" straight away.

You will provide the better environment, they come with you. Leave whilst he isn't around.

The rape that I spoke about up thread, that resulted in a child x didn't acknowledge, happened at the end when I was refusing to have sex as he had another gf and locking him out.

Leaving is the most dangerous time. "Our bed" and waking you up in the middle of the night is sinister in the extreme.

Hi op, i hope you survived the rest of the night. You have somewhere to go. Sounds like you and dcs should leave at first opportunity.

Best of luck

Just wishing you all the best ..it sounds like a nightmare situation to be in. Get away safely he sounds awful :-(

Please think about calling the police if he does anything threatening or refuses to let you leave for work. A record of his abuse should make it harder for him if he does try to use the children against you when you leave.

Do you have seperate beds OP? or has he been on the sofa?

Tbh I can possibly imagine it wasn't sexually threatening, and as much as he is an absolute arsehole and you should leave asap, really!
I can't Imagine many men staying out of the marital bed when they weren't the ones to cheat.
The Shouting over you is really scary though, what was he saying?
seems to be escalating, I would leave asap.

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages x

I'm going to start moving my things out today. I just hope he doesn't try to stop me or do anything silly.

I realised last night that I was actually scared of this guy. And I fully expected him to hit me or throw something at me.

When he got into my bed and refused to move I knew that going forwards, this was what it would be like. The way he wants things and if I don't like it then tough.

We have slept in separate rooms now since dc1. He moved out of our bedroom as dc1 used to wake up for night feeds etc and it would disturb his sleep. He's been in his own room ever since. 5years now. I had dc2 when we thought we'd try to make marriage work. Once I became pregnant he returned to his own room though.

I haven't slept with him since 2010.

I haven't got any family or friends here and feel very alone.

He kept saying I'm ruining the dcs lives. It's all going to reverse on me and I'll pay for what I'm doing etc.

Why do you think that him saying something makes it true?

Oh right, that is wierd

You just need to focus on leaving.

Wishing you love and strength with your move. Please do call the police if you feel scared or just to be there to help keep things civil while you go.

Also please think of speaking to women's aid. I'm very concerned about your thinking patterns. He seems to be absolute God in your world, like you can only know the world through him and I'm worried you'll struggle and yo-yo without some support. Everyone when they first go to WA thinks they shouldn't be there but you need to tell them the whole truth and trust them to help you. I'm sure they will. You are scared of him, you've probably been avoiding that realisation for many years. I think that is because he is scary.

0808 2000 247
www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

Don't be put off because you think dv is only if you are being severely beaten black and blue on an hourly basis.

Good luck with your move. Dont leave the children with this man.

I second speaking to WA, and get the police involved if you feel threatened again.