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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying with dh after om

265 replies

GroundHogDayAgain · 20/04/2013 11:03

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

OP posts:
Offred · 22/04/2013 10:16

Oh yes, fine now! X is the dad of two of my children, what I hope is not that he gets what he might very well deserve, but that he sorts himself out and provides what they undoubtedly deserve from him.

But you see, if or when you want to talk about anything that might have happened, things you may have done, things he may have done, whatever, we will not be shocked into disbelief.

Offred · 22/04/2013 10:19

Good luck today.

You have a right to work.

You have a right to a home, if he really is that desperate he may well make it emotionally unbearable to be in the home even if he physically couldn't keep you out.

I echo AF about being careful, defying a very controlling partner can be dangerous, it is not a reason to not do it, but a reason to have outside agencies like the police and WA at least aware of you and to be extremely careful.

Offred · 22/04/2013 10:21

You know if you are frightened of what he will do if you try and leave for work you can get the police to help you do it.

QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:30

Right now your husband will say ANYTHING to make you change your mind. But actions speak louder than words dont they?

He is also saying that you wont be allowed to work.
You will have no privacy and no private life.
He is following you and spying on you.

You do realize that the only reason why he would get a 9-5 job is to ensure he will be able to keep an eye on you every evening?

You will never fall in love with him again. He is a lying violent manipulative shit.
That is why you fell in love with somebody else. You wont fall in love with him again, by bowing to his demands and become a submissive wife against your will!

You must leave him. Speak to WA. Speak to your GP. If necessary, get a restraining order!

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 10:36

Thanks everyone for your support.

I've just told him about going to work and he's said fine. Go to work but take your stuff with you and don't come back.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:37

That is your way out!

Take your stuff and go to your new flat!

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 10:38

I feel really stuck. Should I pack my stuff and go

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:39

Pack all important documents, such as bank documents, birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports, child benefit numbers et etc

Along with clothes for yourselves and your children.

Anything else you need? When is he going to work?

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 10:41

He's now having an argument with my parents.

Telling them that I need to leave here if I want to go to work

Honestly feels like a nightmare.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:42

Can you get your parents to come and help you move your stuff?

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 10:42

Quint- he doesn't go to work till evening but it's his day off today.

I've got all my docs at the office. I could get some stuff packed and go but I literally feel frozen in fear

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:43

You have more to fear staying, than going to be honest!

When can you move into your flat?

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 10:43

My parents are abroad right now. They are back in a week.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/04/2013 10:51

Honestly I think the right thing to do is to pack up and leave but maybe not right now. You have tenants rights in that house no matter whether your FIL is the landlord, especially if you pay rent. They cannot keep you from your things or from your home. Is it possible this fuss about packing is just another way of meaning you can't go because you will have to do all the packing and carting of things around like a snail.

Honestly I think I would call the police, tell them that you want to go to work but your husband is preventing you and threatening you about the home and that you are frightened because he has in the past hit you.

QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:53

Very good advice from offred there.

Offred · 22/04/2013 10:54

I think you know you need to go, I'm not saying you should stay in the house at all or fight to be able to but if you have to go right now with all your things you can't go to work can you? If the police come they will likely ask him to leave and give you some space for 24 hours and then you will have time an space to pack and leave on your own terms and the police will be aware of the situation before anything really bad happens.

hairtearing · 22/04/2013 10:55

This sounds like a bad idea, he sounds v. controlling
although an affair is always inexcusable, I would leave and make a life on your own for yourself and children,
making yourself totally reliant on a controlling man is a scary thought.

QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:56

I absolutely agree you should make the police an ally in this. It will make it easier for you in the long run if there is a police record of his abuse.

Offred · 22/04/2013 10:56

someone who cared about you or the children would not be behaving like this by the way. It has become entirely about forcing you to comply IMO not about saving the marriage, although he may consider those things to be synonymous.

QuintessentialOHara · 22/04/2013 10:59

He is not saving any marriage by putting a gun to your head / by force, this is purely about control.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 10:59

He cannot throw you out of your home like this. I think you should leave him but when it suits you

If your issue today is that you need to go into work, then do that and respond to any actions (rather than threats he has no jurisdiction to impose) that he makes accordingly

And all the while, keep making your plans to leave him safely

Offred · 22/04/2013 11:08

I have to get back to work, will check in later, hope you are alright. x

Pigsmummy · 22/04/2013 11:09

I think you need to specify a time limit for giving this a go, six months for example, if its open ended you will suffer, I understand that to sever ties with the om you need to give up this job but with the time limit can you then look for another job? Your husband realises that you are successful and attractive, that is what is making him scared about you working, If after six months (or whatever time agreed) if the situation is not good then you can say it's over, with a clear conscience and your husband can't say that you haven't tried. In that time do the counselling, talking is good.

Pigsmummy · 22/04/2013 11:19

Very confused by your posts but ignore my last post, it's clear that in your head you have already decided to leave, however you need to think about how to get him to leave, if your business is successful then you can be a strong woman, you say you can earn loads more than your husband so keep the family home and stability for the children. Get an appointment with a family solicitor

Original poster
GroundHogDayAgain · 22/04/2013 12:54

We had a massive argument and he said the most disgusting things in front of Dc.

I can't even look at him right now. He's gone out and I'm sat here with dc2.
ive told om I can't come in to work and he's being ok about it. I'm worried sick about what to do. I didn't want to say what I do for a living but I'm a litigation lawyer. I have court hearings coming up, clients to see, all the fees to bill etc.

I can't believe that in a job which requires me to be professional and confident and organised I seem to be the complete opposite in my personal life.

Offred I know you said call the police but honestly I don't want to take things to such a level. I want to as much as possible keep things civil for dcs sake. After all dh will be in my life as long as we have the dcs together.
Btw offred I'm glad to hear things are ok with your ex now x

AF- I agree with you and totally understand why dh wouldn't want to be around om,but like you said, I have to sort out the practicalities. Given my work, I can't just stop going in. In fact almost any job, you still have to give your notice and leave properly.

Quint- I know you are right. I appreciate your advice alot honestly. I don't think I will ever 'learn' to love dh again. Not after recent events anyway.

Hair tearing- he totally wants to control me. I even said to him today that if I stay with you don't think I will stay at home and not work. Ill be looking for a job, any job anywhere. He said no. That's not going to happen.

Pigs mummy- dh actually instructed sol re divorce but I have yet to hear anything from them. In my head I have already left. Years ago. I just can't seem to get my feet to follow.

OP posts: