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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The golden rule for getting over a break up

57 replies

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 14:12

So you've just been dumped....for whatever reason.
You're totally heartbroken but need to let go and move on.

What is the one golden rule you'd give to someone in this position?

I read a lot of posts by people in this situation, indeed I've posted about it myself.
I've also read a lot of the advice regarding looking after yourself and distractions, but I'd be interested to know what people think is the number 1 tip.

OP posts:

skaboy · 19/04/2013 14:16

It gets better. Nobody stays at rock bottom. That is the unavoidable rule of time

LillyofWinchester · 19/04/2013 14:21

Here is mine: keep going to work and do your job well. Even though you might not care about trivial things like meaningful employment now, when you are out the other side you will be really glad you still have your job and a good reputation at work. I think its tempting after a breakup to make drastic changes to your life but work can be the one constant which can distract you. So, even if you cry a river when you get home every night, keep your chin up at work.

SueFawley · 19/04/2013 14:26

No Contact. If you don't have to be in contact with them, ie no DC together etc, then there's no need to have contact. So dont call them, don't text, don't email. I extend this to not looking at their Facebook/Twitter accounts, not reading old emails etc.

Of course, I realise that for many of us, this isn't feasible because of the DC involved.

JoJoCK · 19/04/2013 14:28

Minimise contact with the ex. Staying friends is hugely overrated IMHO. If your circumstances allow it don't have any contact at all.

JoJoCK · 19/04/2013 14:28

Sorry, x-post with Sue!

RedPencils · 19/04/2013 14:28

Assuming you havent got DCs , Delete their phone number and email. Do not get in touch EVER for any reaaon at all.

If you have got DCs never ever text or call when Drunk.

kelb6180 · 19/04/2013 14:30

Distance is the one golden rule, because in most break ups there is always a time when you see each other and it pulls on heart strings. Remember ex's are the past you don't go back to have a future.

OhBuggerandArse · 19/04/2013 14:39

Two bottles of Madeira (over several days, and to be shared with good friends while weeping, cursing and picking over the bones) - would never drink it otherwise, but it's sweet and comforting in shock, and by the end of the second bottle you'll be ready to looking towards new things.

chocmallow · 19/04/2013 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flossieraptor · 19/04/2013 15:05

Whenever it has happened to me I have wallowed in the misery zone for a couple of days then just made myself as busy as possible work/social life/gym whatever. REmember that love and heartbreak expand your heart and make you more understanding of life and other people - you will emerge battered but better.

Original poster

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 16:07

My contribution, and it's not something I've invested in myself, is to avoid wasting your hard earned cash on 'how to get your ex back' guides.
There are absolutely tons of these on the net, and you come across them if you google most anything about break ups.
They are exploitative, probably don't work and besides, why would you want to scheme and work to get back someone who dumped you and didn't want you?

OP posts:

flossieraptor · 19/04/2013 17:50

I think a change of scenery is very good too. WHen I split up with an ex aged 39 (no DC) I had a bit of a crisis, went to a therapist and spent a fortune trying to work out why it wasn't happening for me. After a few weeks of paying out a fortune I ditched him a bought a ticket to NYC to see a good friend. It was like a reboot for me. I met now DH as soon as a got back and had a baby

Restorer · 19/04/2013 18:04

Allow yourself a (little) bit of time and then make yourself really busy. Take on extra projects at work, arrange to see every old friend you can think of, join the gym, do some volunteering, de-clutter the house, find a new hobby....A cliché, but one day you wake up and realise he wasn't the first thing you thought of

bollockstoit · 19/04/2013 18:11

Realise that it will take time and accept that you will feel terrible, but you will get through it.

something2say · 19/04/2013 18:33

Same as all the rest really.
Avoid contact. It will hurt and set you back.
Be busy. Go out.
Get out across the fields on a good long walk and let the wind to through your head.
Cry when you have to.
And remember; there's always another man, even when you cannot remotely conceive of it.

wellthatsdoneit · 19/04/2013 18:38

No contact. Try to reconnect with something which meant something to you before you met (it may mean going back many years for some), or try to make a new connection with something new. Anything that doesn't have a connection to the ex. If you've been together many years with someone you have to forge or strengthen your own identity.

JennyFromTheBog · 19/04/2013 18:47

If it's a bad breakup, where you were dumped or wronged, then dump any mutual friends who act all 'don't ask us to get involved'. Your real friends will not find it a tough choice, your real friends won't find it a sacrifice to cut him out of their life.

I know from experience that it was the aftermath, watching mutual friends socialising with him and being excluding or asked not to come or other outrageous requests that compounded the pain.

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/04/2013 20:32

I get the feeling this is research, OP. Are you working on your own project/article concerning recovery after a split?

Original poster

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 20:43

Yes....kinda.
It's been hard as I still love her.
But it's an unrequited love so I am just doing what I can to move on.
Some good advice posted so far.
I have stuck to no contact.

OP posts:

findingmymarbles · 19/04/2013 21:43

Don't squash your feelings. I squashed mine for months after a messy breakup. I put on a show of being over it, and its only coming back to bite me now. Had I just opened up to friends early on I could be over it. As it is I'm still dealing with it.
Also be kind to yourself, as you would be to a friend going through the same. Take yourself for a swim or a massage. Eat lovely food, not crap. Have a bath with nice smelly things in it. And make sure you're not too introspective. Wallowing in your own misery is fine for a while, but in the end just feels like wearing the same clothes for a week.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2013 21:46

In one word...

disengage

LittleFeileFooFoo · 19/04/2013 21:48

exercise! Use your frustration to work that much harder. Also clean out closets and organize. Always helped me.

CastroIsDead · 19/04/2013 21:54

best way to get over someone?
get under someone else

Original poster

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 22:23

I thought about doing that and even started a dating thread on this site. But the truth be told it was tongue in cheek as I don't feel ready for that yet and it would be unfair to use a woman just to alleviate my low self esteem...even if she was up for it.
Ill be ok...just entered a marathon for end of year so that will keep me occupied...and fit.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 19/04/2013 22:26

No contact for as long as possible.
Stop people before they launch into talking about seeing your ex.
Don't fall stay strong.
Plan something nice to look forward to.
Keep busy.

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