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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The golden rule for getting over a break up

57 replies

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 14:12

So you've just been dumped....for whatever reason.
You're totally heartbroken but need to let go and move on.

What is the one golden rule you'd give to someone in this position?

I read a lot of posts by people in this situation, indeed I've posted about it myself.
I've also read a lot of the advice regarding looking after yourself and distractions, but I'd be interested to know what people think is the number 1 tip.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 19/04/2013 22:28

Restorer has it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/04/2013 08:23

Detach, detach and detach Smile

TeenyW123 · 20/04/2013 08:38

Respect yourself.

Teeny

Original poster
boyfromipinema · 20/04/2013 09:17

The old method was to join the foreign legion.
Might give that a try.

OP posts:
alicepicalo · 20/04/2013 09:48

Detach, disengage, absolutlely no contact of any sort, chuck out any memorabilia and sell anything gold Wink

navada · 20/04/2013 09:59

The first month is the hardest - if you can get through that you'll be fine.
& as everyone else has said, No contact! - it's the only way.

We've all been there Smile

Chin up x

JennyFromTheBog · 20/04/2013 10:03

The worst thing to do is to 'get under somebody new'. when i was dumped (with a brutal character assassination), I worked out, bought some new clothes, thoght I'd moved on but I ended up with an horrbly abusive man and had two children with him Sad that would never have happened if I hadn't 'selected' that man while I was still feeling like a worthless rejected heartbroken loser.

blueballoon79 · 20/04/2013 10:17

I'm another who thinks "get under somebody else" is the worst thing to do.

I did this after being brutally dumped and felt used and disgusting afterwards.

In my circumstances the only thing that really helped was time.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn't feel that bad forever and it would pass. I went out a lot more with my friends and forced myself to go for long walks every day to get some exercise.

Now I have no feelings about him whatsoever and am so relieved that he left- he did me a huge favour!

Lovingfreedom · 20/04/2013 10:54

I wrote a list of all the horrible and unacceptable things that my ex did, then whenever I started wavering or seeing the relationship through rose coloured specs, I took out the list and read it. That worked well.

Cut contact as much as possible and never ask or take notice about anything to do with how he is or what he's feeling.

Do things you enjoy.

Still18atheart · 20/04/2013 11:01

Minimise contact
As tempting as it looks, the bottle of wine/vodka/gin/ copious amounts of your favourite tipple is not the way to go
It is ok to talk to friends etc.

Andcake · 20/04/2013 11:11

Agree with much of the list but here's mine

  • get v drunk with girls friends
  • even with stonking hangover go to work and throw yourself into it - keep up the 'facade' of professionalism. Warn a friend you might call from the loo in tears or allow yourself to cry the second you get home
  • go on holiday - if your on your own and no friends to travel with invest in a holiday with someone like explore or exodus. Meeting lots of nice independant people
  • buy yourself something nice - even just a £5 cheap bracelet
  • not the get under someone but a pointless snog with a stranger who you'll hopefully never see again.
Original poster
boyfromipinema · 20/04/2013 11:24

I guess retaining one's sense of humour doesn't do much harm

OP posts:
Original poster
boyfromipinema · 20/04/2013 11:26

And some sense of perspective

OP posts:
CastroIsDead · 20/04/2013 12:27

you will get there boy. well done on the marathon that will help.
haven't actually got under someone else yet. was going to and just knowing i would have did help.when you first break up you think there will never be anyone else but there will be.
the list is a good one, another list of all the great things about you will help too.
i split from my ex 6months ago, first couple were awful but now i wake up im the morning and tell myself how cool and amazing i am feels kind of wierd at first but now im starting to believe it and believe that i deserve someone who is equally as cool and amazing as i am xx

cluecu · 20/04/2013 13:50

Things I've learned from my own and other people's experiences:

  1. As little contact as possible and do not try to be friends
  2. Do not underestimate the power of time
  3. Buy Nytol
  4. Talk about it to your close family and friends and whoever else you want to. Work mates can be very kind and make life easier and you will be surprised at the advice and kindness you get from strangers
  5. It's not about looks or weight. having said that exercise will make you feel better as will a haircut, facial and healthy food.
  6. If there are parts of your life you've neglected or ambitions unfulfilled, being single is a great time to realise them.
  7. You WILL be happy again
Smile
lottieandmia · 20/04/2013 13:53

The only way to get over someone is to let time do its work. It doesn't offer much comfort when you feel heartbroken but in time you look back and all those awful feelings have gone.

JennyFromTheBog · 20/04/2013 15:07

I saw mine on tv a while ago. he was bein asked (in his professional capacity) for his reaction to a certain news event. I hope that gives the picture without outing me, but I looked at him and just saw a total stranger. he had a familiar face but that was all. It was like looking at a newsreader. He was familiar in his appearance but the over riding emotion I felt was a sort of curiosity that I could look at him, on tv and feel........ nothing Confused . Over a person who nearly had me in a psychiatric hospital at one point.

navada · 20/04/2013 16:34

Jenny - how long did it take you to get over him?

JennyFromTheBog · 21/04/2013 10:56

Well, within 18 months I could see that he was a pompous ass who just wanted to move on with the moral highground, so he delivered a character assassination so that he could dump me and feel like the good guy, I saw that quite clearly but yet it still damaged my self esteem. I ended up in an abusive relationship after it..... and I'm dealing with the repercussions of that now! I had a bit of psychotherapy after leaving the abusive man and I mentioned the dumping+character assassination to the psychotherapist a good 12 or 13 years after it happened! Smile I swear I am over it now!

Lizzabadger · 21/04/2013 12:45

No contact INCLUDING no absolutely no Facebook stalking, googling etc etc.

dondon33 · 21/04/2013 15:53

No contact, detach and disengage are all great pieces of advice. Try to find other things to do - new hobby, exercise, go out.

Absolutely don't see, sleep with, cyber or fone sex, don't get drunk and call him, BAH! if you can't trust yourself - don't get drunk at all.
I'd do well to take my own advice

Let 'time' play it's part.

Sylvia04 · 19/05/2017 22:35

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Penguin82 · 20/05/2017 00:41

Plan stuff to look forward to. Ideally a holiday. If that's not possible even a book or two off amazon or a couple new tops.
Secondly, if you have a tendency to cry when you don't want to - or if you live in a small town where you'll see ex a lot, keep your sunglasses permanently on your head ready to pop over your eyes if you hear a soppy song and go to well up!

Plumkettle · 20/05/2017 00:45

Great thread

Yellowaardvark · 20/05/2017 00:51

Echo what other people have said but one thing I always find helps is talk to very old friends from before the person came into my life - not about anything in particular, but it always reminds me that I had a long life before them so will have one again.

I also think about the loser boy who broke my heart at 17 that I have pretty much forgotten now, and feel grateful I didn't get my way there, which also reminds me that you do get over these things

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