I sincerely apologise in advance for the length of this post, feel free to skim bits if it makes it easier.
I have lurked here for sometime, have stumbled across the support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships, have never thought of DH as abusive as he?s never hit me but I?ve been unhappy for a while and couldn't understand why, he?s not overtly abusive, doesn't call me names or put me down in any obvious way, but over the 15 years we?ve been together has done some pretty shitty things. (We?ve been together 15 years, married for 10 and have ds age 7 and dd age 5)
only months after we got together I discovered I was pregnant, I hoped to sit down & discuss it like adults with him; he burst into tears, wailed, sobbed, put his head in his hands and begged me to have an abortion. I would have done anyway but didn't feel like I had a choice. The very fact that I was considering keeping it seemed to offend him.
He once burned the book i was reading on our BBQ (when drunk) because it was called ?The Satanist? and as a Catholic it offended him, esp as his mum had cancer.
once during a heated argument he got so angry he punched the wall right next to my head so hard it left the imprint of his four knuckles in the plaster; he said that was ok, he was so angry he really wanted to punch me but punched the wall instead.
2-3 years ago he decided to get fit so was having sessions with a PT, he badgered me into going too, even though I wasn't keen; after 6 months when i?d lost 1 1/2 stone, and gone from a size 16 to a 12 (im 6ft) he told me one night as i was getting into bed that ?he didn?t fancy me anymore, my tits were all saggy and I?d ruined my body and he wanted me to have a boob job"
last year bought me some eye-wateringly expensive underwear, and despite me saying repeatedly that it didn't fit has proceeded to buy me another 4 sets of same size stuff. Gets upset when I tell him it doesn't fit (again) and says he is only doing it to spice things up and put the spark back.
once remotley wiped my iphone after an argument, and during same argument threatened to sell the car
demanded/coerced me into sex when I had recurring thrush (every month, over a period of four years), despite me telling him repeatedly how much it burned.
no help with kids - has never bathed kids, could count on fingers of one hand how many times he?s put them to bed, says he cant read bedtime stories because he?s dyslexic but manages to spend 2-3 hours on his ipad every night. I thought that was normal until an exchange student we had staying with us for the summer last year commented on how he did nothing with the kids and I did everything.
went on holiday last year, DS took the class ?holiday bear? & was soooo excited, DH said we couldn?t take bear on days out in case it got lost. I was too scared to say the bear could go in the back pack, DS was visibly crushed & in tears, i felt I had failed DS because i didn't stand up to DH.
a couple of years back he tried to persuade me to have my navel pierced, i said no, then during an argument said he just wanted a sign that I loved him, like - guess what - having my navel pierced. to my eternal shame i did it, hated it but thank god it rejected so i took it out.
says he wants me to wear sexy clothes so that when we go out he can show me off and other blokes will be jealous. i don?t really want to anyones trophy.
he wants me to be completely hairless between my legs, i?ve tried it a couple of times but frankly don't like it, thinks its degrading, don?t think im setting a good example to my dd (or ds for that matter, what will he think when sees a real bush?), (and god does it itch when it grows back in) he says I should do it for him to please him.
Says i should do things to please him even if i don't like doing it, as he would do the same for me. i have tried to explain to him that i don't understand how he can get pleasure from me doing something I clearly don't want to do, and that i wouldn't even ask him to do something that he was unhappy with, but he doesn't get it.
A few weeks ago DS was unhappy at school & with homework, after a discussion with the head teacher I was browsing the web looking at home schooling (something I considered before DS started school, not something I?d rush into but it?s always an option) he caught me looking at HE websites, didn't think to ask my opnion about it, just went straight into a tirade about how he disagreed and he was really upset that I was even thinking about it.
basically every argument turns into how he feels about it and how upset I have made him feel and how i need to change my behavior so that he doesn?t get upset and that he?s only happy when I?m happy.
I?ve stuck it this long because of what we?ve been through with his parents, his mum had cancer for years, with all the entailing chemo, radiotherapy etc, then 3 weeks after she died we found out his Dad had cancer, he died 6 months later (Feb 2009). For a long time I?ve made excuses for DH?s behavior because his parents were ill and then obv he was grieving.
Last year things seemed finally to be good, we had about 6 months where I thought we were finally coming out of the woods, but the last 6 months have been hell. We argue every week, he says its because I don't talk to him. I?ve tried to explain I feel afraid to talk to him because he raises his voice, interrupts me, and doesn't listen. He says its all down to me, only I can change it and I?m not normal.
I could go on but think even i'd lose the will to live reading it all.
In short (and thanks if you?ve stuck with me this far) is any of the above normal? would you have put up with this thus far? Am I over-reacting? And what are the chances of things ever being better? should I just cut my losses now and run?
I?ve just turned 40, have taken a long hard look at the last 15 years and don't want the next 15 to be the same.
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Subtle EA? Or is it just me? Confused, please help
WearingFuckMeSocks · 18/04/2013 12:04
Jenny it's a link from the thread "support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20", under the heading websites, it's the third link down, called Out of the FOG. It lists a whole load of personality disorders. Very enlightening.
No-one else is real the way that he is, in his mind. Everyone else's needs, wants, life, personality either exist to serve him, make him look good, feel good OR they are a deliberate affront to him, an attack, they are hurting him, he is the victim, poor him, Have you met my H? 
He might have been my Ex boyfriend... Is he very tall with an ill-advised back tattoo? 
Jenny, am I married to your ex?! Ditto with the friends. when we met I had a small group of very good friends, and many good work colleagues that I used to go for a cheeky couple of drinks with in the local pub on a Friday night. After he met them he didn't have a good word to say for any of them, and every time I went out on a Friday after work he'd ring my mobile to ask how long i'd be and who I was with and where we were. At the time I naively took it that he really wanted to be with me, now I can see it was him controlling. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing? In the end it was easier not to go out than have the huff when I next saw him.
All of the couples that we've had as friends have mysteriously drifted away. He's down to one friend that he sees regularly, I don't have any close friends, and if I did I wouldn't invite them to our house, as I can never get a word in edge ways, H totally dominates conversations or interrupts me on the rare occasions that I do talk. And yes, he moans that we never go out with friends and why don't I organise things "because I'm a woman" 
I do sometimes wonder whether he is a bit bipolar. His sister has had it for years & they are both very obnoxious similar personality-wise. He seems to flip from being high as a kite, rushing about doing a million things at once and "isn't life great!!!" to suddenly "oh woe is me, I have so many problems, nobody else has problems like this" like from The Fast Show
wearing yeh, My x had a nasty remark to make about all of my friends. The single one with short hair he called her sargeant lezbo , although, she ended up married to a lovely man and we went to their wedding, although, he orchestrated a huge row before we set off. I nearly had to go on my own.
ps, I also knwo what you mean about being snappy. 
I knwo they needed me MORE not less, and sometimes I was just so ground down I couldn't pull the cheerfulness out of the bag.
Daisypops, I'm so pleased that you've got your life back, and happy for your mum too; it must be awful to watch your children & grandchildren in that situation. My mum says she wishes she'd said something to me sooner but was worried that I wouldn't believe her and then I wouldn't like her for what she'd said (hope that makes sense, brain not functioning well today).
I'm having a really poop day today, been feeling sick since sunday and have hardly eaten a thing, I just cant face food atm. And sleep is not good either, dd wakes up every night between 1-3 am because she's had a bad dream so comes in for a cuddle for 10 minutes, then by the time she's settled again I'm wide wake with thoughts whizzing round in my head.
I just feel so sad today would someone mind holding my hand for a bit?
It's not easy. You're in that phase where to be blunt, you're allowing the anaesthetic to wear off, and that is fucking brutal. I think that I tranced myself into an anaesthetised state for about 7 years (omg the shame of it now) and I was on auto-pilot. Dreadful things happened, and quite regularly, but I put a lot of effort into suppressing their meanings. ANYWAY imo, you're bound to need hand-holding right now because you are coming up for air now. It's scary because you know that change is hard. Even change for the better is effort. It's part of the human condition to resist change I think!! I'm not a brave person. I'm hardwired to be cautious. So, for a long, long time, I think I didn't allow myself to think about being pro-active and bringing about change, cos I was afraid that I would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. (I'm the same poster as 'from the bog' btw, frequent name-changer). So, when it gets to the point where you know that whatever bumpy road lies ahead bringing about those adjustments you have to make, if you're to be true to yourself and live with happiness and integrity and cut the treatment out that you know you don't deserve, then,,, you need to take a huge deep breath. Cos although you are very very very definitely doing the right thing, the irony is that it is easier on an hour by hour basis to just do nothing. Of course it is. Even on a day by day basis I guess. The sheer amount of effort required to sort it all out!! to sort out a new life when you're tired and ground down! well, omg. it aint easy. so, here's a 
and a [handhold] for whatever it's worth. I hope this helps a bit. So many of us have been on this path and I don't think anybody regrets it. But I would liken it to taking the deepest breath of your life and then swimming UPHILL. That is what it's like. But you will get through it and the relief you'll feel will be like a high that you can live off, even when times are fraught with practical stresses.
(y)
Thanks for all the hand holds (although I think I've ran out of hands for the minute so anyone else will just have to form an orderly queue ), I think I'm just feeling so confused about everything, I'm still having little niggling doubts, well maybe not doubts but there's the feeling way in the back of my mind that maybe it is all me, but then maybe thats the part of me that is finding it too tough too face up to changing, because it is going to be such a huuuuuge upheaval and maybe, as Jenny says, you anaesthetise yourself so that you don't have to face that challenge.
I'm also really not good at subterfuge and lying, which is what I feel I'm doing by not just coming out & telling H now that its over, but I know now is not the right time, I really want to speak to a solicitor first (I have been in touch with the local WA outreach, they are going to recommend someone in the area). I stupidly didn't think it would be that hard to carry on living the lie that I've been living for the last god knows how many years, i thought, "well, i've been pretending that everything is fine when it isn't, i'll just carry on doing that for a week or two til I can get my shit together" only i'm finding its not that easy.
Jenny, what you say all makes perfect sense. Sadly it doesn't make it any easier to cope with, but understanding goes a long way in my book
soup and fresh fruit is an excellent plan, Daisypops, will go and get some now 
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