I sincerely apologise in advance for the length of this post, feel free to skim bits if it makes it easier.
I have lurked here for sometime, have stumbled across the support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships, have never thought of DH as abusive as he?s never hit me but I?ve been unhappy for a while and couldn't understand why, he?s not overtly abusive, doesn't call me names or put me down in any obvious way, but over the 15 years we?ve been together has done some pretty shitty things. (We?ve been together 15 years, married for 10 and have ds age 7 and dd age 5)
only months after we got together I discovered I was pregnant, I hoped to sit down & discuss it like adults with him; he burst into tears, wailed, sobbed, put his head in his hands and begged me to have an abortion. I would have done anyway but didn't feel like I had a choice. The very fact that I was considering keeping it seemed to offend him.
He once burned the book i was reading on our BBQ (when drunk) because it was called ?The Satanist? and as a Catholic it offended him, esp as his mum had cancer.
once during a heated argument he got so angry he punched the wall right next to my head so hard it left the imprint of his four knuckles in the plaster; he said that was ok, he was so angry he really wanted to punch me but punched the wall instead.
2-3 years ago he decided to get fit so was having sessions with a PT, he badgered me into going too, even though I wasn't keen; after 6 months when i?d lost 1 1/2 stone, and gone from a size 16 to a 12 (im 6ft) he told me one night as i was getting into bed that ?he didn?t fancy me anymore, my tits were all saggy and I?d ruined my body and he wanted me to have a boob job"
last year bought me some eye-wateringly expensive underwear, and despite me saying repeatedly that it didn't fit has proceeded to buy me another 4 sets of same size stuff. Gets upset when I tell him it doesn't fit (again) and says he is only doing it to spice things up and put the spark back.
once remotley wiped my iphone after an argument, and during same argument threatened to sell the car
demanded/coerced me into sex when I had recurring thrush (every month, over a period of four years), despite me telling him repeatedly how much it burned.
no help with kids - has never bathed kids, could count on fingers of one hand how many times he?s put them to bed, says he cant read bedtime stories because he?s dyslexic but manages to spend 2-3 hours on his ipad every night. I thought that was normal until an exchange student we had staying with us for the summer last year commented on how he did nothing with the kids and I did everything.
went on holiday last year, DS took the class ?holiday bear? & was soooo excited, DH said we couldn?t take bear on days out in case it got lost. I was too scared to say the bear could go in the back pack, DS was visibly crushed & in tears, i felt I had failed DS because i didn't stand up to DH.
a couple of years back he tried to persuade me to have my navel pierced, i said no, then during an argument said he just wanted a sign that I loved him, like - guess what - having my navel pierced. to my eternal shame i did it, hated it but thank god it rejected so i took it out.
says he wants me to wear sexy clothes so that when we go out he can show me off and other blokes will be jealous. i don?t really want to anyones trophy.
he wants me to be completely hairless between my legs, i?ve tried it a couple of times but frankly don't like it, thinks its degrading, don?t think im setting a good example to my dd (or ds for that matter, what will he think when sees a real bush?), (and god does it itch when it grows back in) he says I should do it for him to please him.
Says i should do things to please him even if i don't like doing it, as he would do the same for me. i have tried to explain to him that i don't understand how he can get pleasure from me doing something I clearly don't want to do, and that i wouldn't even ask him to do something that he was unhappy with, but he doesn't get it.
A few weeks ago DS was unhappy at school & with homework, after a discussion with the head teacher I was browsing the web looking at home schooling (something I considered before DS started school, not something I?d rush into but it?s always an option) he caught me looking at HE websites, didn't think to ask my opnion about it, just went straight into a tirade about how he disagreed and he was really upset that I was even thinking about it.
basically every argument turns into how he feels about it and how upset I have made him feel and how i need to change my behavior so that he doesn?t get upset and that he?s only happy when I?m happy.
I?ve stuck it this long because of what we?ve been through with his parents, his mum had cancer for years, with all the entailing chemo, radiotherapy etc, then 3 weeks after she died we found out his Dad had cancer, he died 6 months later (Feb 2009). For a long time I?ve made excuses for DH?s behavior because his parents were ill and then obv he was grieving.
Last year things seemed finally to be good, we had about 6 months where I thought we were finally coming out of the woods, but the last 6 months have been hell. We argue every week, he says its because I don't talk to him. I?ve tried to explain I feel afraid to talk to him because he raises his voice, interrupts me, and doesn't listen. He says its all down to me, only I can change it and I?m not normal.
I could go on but think even i'd lose the will to live reading it all.
In short (and thanks if you?ve stuck with me this far) is any of the above normal? would you have put up with this thus far? Am I over-reacting? And what are the chances of things ever being better? should I just cut my losses now and run?
I?ve just turned 40, have taken a long hard look at the last 15 years and don't want the next 15 to be the same.
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Subtle EA? Or is it just me? Confused, please help
WearingFuckMeSocks · 18/04/2013 12:04
Well done well done well done 
it took me 18 months to get to the point where you are now. You are not only doing the right thing (and I never doubted I was doing the right thing) but you are on the fast track to regaining your sanity and your life and your independence and happiness.
I'm not surprised the children took it in their stride tbh. They may have this new superdad character playing a recent game, but you are their rock. The truth is for all this recent role play, they don't have "two rocks". They have one rock. That's obviously you. And that's why my children coped so well with a separation. Although, I say coped, the word really would be flourished.
Have a nice day
I've been lurking on here and have found it really helpful. Socks you are in the place I was in a year ago; handling it so much better than I did though. My dh also very 'poor me', manipulative etc.
Jenny your posts are amazing and something you wrote was a massive eye-opener for me - it was when you said you wanted your dh's approval for leaving him. I did that too. Cue two or three years of the same argument where I tried to get him to take responsibility for screwing up our marriage with his EA... it never worked and he still doesn't see it. I lacked confidence in myself so much it was as if I couldn't permit myself to leave unless I could get him to understand I had no choice. Eventually it didn't matter any more.
FWIW a year on I feel the fog is finally lifting and I am no longer beating myself up all the time or feeling crippled with guilt about the marriage ending. The grieving is coming to an end and I am looking forward, confident I have done the right thing and feeling like my own person for possibly the first time. I am 42 and was with my dh for 15 years too.
Sorry, that all sounds a bit hijacking and I don't mean it to. There are so many of us at various stages of negotiating new lives that aren't dominated by these damaged losers...
Socks you are doing brilliantly. Your anger is understandable, but try not to let it get in the way of the progress you are making; don't let it mess you up. The perfect Dad thing must be particularly irritating. But while your kids might be enjoying the oxygen of some more attention from him for once it can do nothing to reverse the many years of you being the better parent, so don't be anxious about that.
Sending you love and strength, and to all the women who've broken free from one of these dysfunctional, stunted individuals.
Hi everyone, thanks for all the words of support & encouragement 
have spent the afternoon at my mums, just lovely and relaxing sitting in the garden in the sunshine with the kids playing & laughing. Ds laughed like a drain when the wind blew so hard my plastic picnic plate flipped over and dumped my sandwich in his lemonade 
.
tired, I know what you mean about Jenny's posts and needing approval; if I hadn't read that I would probably be trying to explain to everyone, including H, exactly why I was leaving when really, as many people have said here, the fact that "the relationship broke down' is sufficient information in most cases.
Fluffy, you echo my mum's words from yesterday with your observation Shows how replaceable they think he is.... dd drew a couple of pictures of all the family yesterday and said "They're for Daddy for when he leaves. I want daddy to move out and you stay here with us mummy, because we don't do much with daddy do we, except when he takes us to school sometimes". She's 5, and she has him sussed.
He is at the minute systematically working his way through all our friends to "talk" to them about us. I suspect he thinks that if he gets in with his version of events first they will believe him. He obviously hasn't reckoned on my new-found quiet dignity . Whenever he starts talking and trying to get a rise I just repeat in my head "Don't engage. Quiet dignity"
Works a treat!
Anyway, Superdad is taking kids to the beach tomorrow, so will give me time to get everything together that I need for the solicitor on Wed.
Quick question - should I take evidence of the abuse to the solicitor? Not that there is much, but i have a letter from my GP and wondered if i should take the email from H where he admitted punching the wall & burning my book?
I hate that he doesn't know what he did was wrong. I hate that he made me think it was me all of my 20s so I trod on eggshells when I should have been enjoying being young and having fun.
Oh Tea. I could have written this... these losers 
Ah well, onwards and upwards :)
Wow!just read this thread and I'm so deeply impressed by what you have achieved. You are amazing!
A everything you type reminds me of my first husband and I never realised he wasabusive until I found mumsnet either. But I have a massive back catalogue of quotes and actions that completely echo everything you are saying.
Luckily, the marriage ended 15 years ago and I have since married my fab DH and had wonderful children.
I just wanted you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep calm and keep an eye on the end game. for all you are doing and saying. xx
I'm sure they don't acknowledge it but tired is right .... onwards and upwards.
Wearing - that's exactly the approach I've taken with my DS. He's now 11 and I feel the approach is starting to pay off. His Dad moaned at me about the presents that DS buys him for Christmas so I had a little exploratory conversation with DS about it - it turned out he has been moaning at DS and calling him tight . In the discussion with my DS I identified three pieces of information that, whilst I hate the situation he's in, give me hope for the future. My DS was able to tell me he felt very angry about it but had told his father how it made him feel. He said that that it wasn't normal to be so rude about presents and he was glad I had taught him about present manners because that was a better thing to do. And he said he was glad we don't live together because he loves his Dad and me but we're really different people.
I am vigilant to the opinions that DS picks up in his other home - and I challenge those that I think are entitled, when he says things in a way that is self centred, and teach him about body language, language patterns and other people's feelings.
So what I'm saying is that, if he remains interested in your DC, your H will continue to be a negative influence, as well as a positive influence in other ways, on them. That there will be times when your heart breaks for them and the situation they're in. But if you give them positive influences and keep open the lines of communication then not only do they grow up understanding what normal is but also are able to talk about it at quite a young age. I really do have the most wonderful, kind, generous, caring boy.
My DS is quite lucky in many respects that his father has remarried and that it seems to be quite rare that he is on the receiving end of the EA behaviour. His poor DSSis though has moved out at 13 to live with her Dad because she can't stand ExH. 
These fuckers don't change and it seems to me like they need to behave like that with someone to feel good about themselves.
On the bright side, my DS lives normally the majority of the time. I'm sure your DC will too.
Not too bad, Branching & Jenny, thanks for asking. Obviously I've had better weeks but on the whole it hasn't been too bad. H has been trying the nicey nicey approach, suggesting that I just have some time and space and maybe we could give it another go. I put him straight on that one. "But why won't you give me another chance?" he said. "Because you've had 15 years of chances and you've blown the lot" was the reply.
The kids seem to be okay so far; they've mostly been discussing who is taking which cat and whether we can get a house with a garden big enough to fit a trampoline in!!
Emotionally it has been rather a roller coaster. Some days I have felt almost euphoric - like the day that I bought myself some socks & nightwear all by myself without anyone commenting on it. 
. And then H will say something knobbish and I'll be overcome with anger . And then by the evening I'll feel so miserable that I've sat and sobbed on my bed . But mostly I've just felt a huge sense of relief that I've made the decision and I can start putting my life back together
STILL haven't seen a solicitor though, went along on Tuesday, with the letter from my GP confirming that I'd suffered abuse so that I could claim legal aid, which the solicitor had asked for. then they said "Oh, but we also need to see personal bank statements and business accounts" I mean, did it not occur to them to let me know that before I went? Yes, I know I could have asked but I kinda figured they tell me what I'd need to take, given that they must be used to doing divorces by now!! So there's a lesson learned. However, as I have now officially joined the ranks of the unemployed and am now claiming JSA that's all academic anyway.
KIds are sleeping at my mum's tonight and are there all day tomorrow. Have spent the evening clearing all the junk out of the spare room where I've been sleeping and turned it into a proper bedroom again, with my pictures on the walls and my clothes in the wardrobe. I may even by a plant to put on the windowsill I haven't been allowed plants, they leave marks, apparently 
. And candles can drip wax on the carpets and stain, so not allowed those either. I have a vision of the first week in my new home - I'll have 100 candles lit every night, houseplants everywhere and NO television on
anyway, time for tea, 
and Dr Who - my perfect evening in
The bastard!!
The absolute, total and utter shit has been rummaging through the files in my bedroom while I've been out. Most of the stuff I've kept at my mums but one of the files has the letter from my gp and the printout of this thread, that I took to the solicitors on tuesday.
when i challenged him about it he didn't deny it, just tried to change the subject by asking "what's going on"
no doubt he's printed off copies to show his solicitor as well. Oh fucking fuck
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