I sincerely apologise in advance for the length of this post, feel free to skim bits if it makes it easier.
I have lurked here for sometime, have stumbled across the support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships, have never thought of DH as abusive as he?s never hit me but I?ve been unhappy for a while and couldn't understand why, he?s not overtly abusive, doesn't call me names or put me down in any obvious way, but over the 15 years we?ve been together has done some pretty shitty things. (We?ve been together 15 years, married for 10 and have ds age 7 and dd age 5)
only months after we got together I discovered I was pregnant, I hoped to sit down & discuss it like adults with him; he burst into tears, wailed, sobbed, put his head in his hands and begged me to have an abortion. I would have done anyway but didn't feel like I had a choice. The very fact that I was considering keeping it seemed to offend him.
He once burned the book i was reading on our BBQ (when drunk) because it was called ?The Satanist? and as a Catholic it offended him, esp as his mum had cancer.
once during a heated argument he got so angry he punched the wall right next to my head so hard it left the imprint of his four knuckles in the plaster; he said that was ok, he was so angry he really wanted to punch me but punched the wall instead.
2-3 years ago he decided to get fit so was having sessions with a PT, he badgered me into going too, even though I wasn't keen; after 6 months when i?d lost 1 1/2 stone, and gone from a size 16 to a 12 (im 6ft) he told me one night as i was getting into bed that ?he didn?t fancy me anymore, my tits were all saggy and I?d ruined my body and he wanted me to have a boob job"
last year bought me some eye-wateringly expensive underwear, and despite me saying repeatedly that it didn't fit has proceeded to buy me another 4 sets of same size stuff. Gets upset when I tell him it doesn't fit (again) and says he is only doing it to spice things up and put the spark back.
once remotley wiped my iphone after an argument, and during same argument threatened to sell the car
demanded/coerced me into sex when I had recurring thrush (every month, over a period of four years), despite me telling him repeatedly how much it burned.
no help with kids - has never bathed kids, could count on fingers of one hand how many times he?s put them to bed, says he cant read bedtime stories because he?s dyslexic but manages to spend 2-3 hours on his ipad every night. I thought that was normal until an exchange student we had staying with us for the summer last year commented on how he did nothing with the kids and I did everything.
went on holiday last year, DS took the class ?holiday bear? & was soooo excited, DH said we couldn?t take bear on days out in case it got lost. I was too scared to say the bear could go in the back pack, DS was visibly crushed & in tears, i felt I had failed DS because i didn't stand up to DH.
a couple of years back he tried to persuade me to have my navel pierced, i said no, then during an argument said he just wanted a sign that I loved him, like - guess what - having my navel pierced. to my eternal shame i did it, hated it but thank god it rejected so i took it out.
says he wants me to wear sexy clothes so that when we go out he can show me off and other blokes will be jealous. i don?t really want to anyones trophy.
he wants me to be completely hairless between my legs, i?ve tried it a couple of times but frankly don't like it, thinks its degrading, don?t think im setting a good example to my dd (or ds for that matter, what will he think when sees a real bush?), (and god does it itch when it grows back in) he says I should do it for him to please him.
Says i should do things to please him even if i don't like doing it, as he would do the same for me. i have tried to explain to him that i don't understand how he can get pleasure from me doing something I clearly don't want to do, and that i wouldn't even ask him to do something that he was unhappy with, but he doesn't get it.
A few weeks ago DS was unhappy at school & with homework, after a discussion with the head teacher I was browsing the web looking at home schooling (something I considered before DS started school, not something I?d rush into but it?s always an option) he caught me looking at HE websites, didn't think to ask my opnion about it, just went straight into a tirade about how he disagreed and he was really upset that I was even thinking about it.
basically every argument turns into how he feels about it and how upset I have made him feel and how i need to change my behavior so that he doesn?t get upset and that he?s only happy when I?m happy.
I?ve stuck it this long because of what we?ve been through with his parents, his mum had cancer for years, with all the entailing chemo, radiotherapy etc, then 3 weeks after she died we found out his Dad had cancer, he died 6 months later (Feb 2009). For a long time I?ve made excuses for DH?s behavior because his parents were ill and then obv he was grieving.
Last year things seemed finally to be good, we had about 6 months where I thought we were finally coming out of the woods, but the last 6 months have been hell. We argue every week, he says its because I don't talk to him. I?ve tried to explain I feel afraid to talk to him because he raises his voice, interrupts me, and doesn't listen. He says its all down to me, only I can change it and I?m not normal.
I could go on but think even i'd lose the will to live reading it all.
In short (and thanks if you?ve stuck with me this far) is any of the above normal? would you have put up with this thus far? Am I over-reacting? And what are the chances of things ever being better? should I just cut my losses now and run?
I?ve just turned 40, have taken a long hard look at the last 15 years and don't want the next 15 to be the same.
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Subtle EA? Or is it just me? Confused, please help
WearingFuckMeSocks · 18/04/2013 12:04
Another one rolling up to hold your hand too.
Jenny Great post - 'anaesthetic wearing off' - I think that's so true.
I was with an ex for getting on 10yrs - first bf, first love - in awe. I spent nearly all my twenties trying to recapture what was so wonderful in the beginning. Looking back - the relationship was pretty much dysfunctional and destructive for most of the time - but with some lovely highs (he was bipolar). Out of our entire time together, I would say I was blissfully happy for about a year, and it deteriorated to a state of impending 'mutual assured destruction' (god, we'd actually joke about that phrase in a gallows humour sort of way). The amount of energy and time, I used up trying to make it work...fuck. After countless circular arguments and life slipping by, I realised finally that the common denominator all the "you and me against the world" type problems, was HIM.
Leaving, was the hardest thing - because you sort of carry the responsibility for it. He tried to make me feel guilty for 'abandoning' him (as if anyone leaves simply on a whim, after 10yrs, yeah right). I lurched from feeling euphoric - to feeling completely numb. For a while, I felt like I was a ghost - not attached to anything, anyone...just walking around empty. Lost tons of weight over those first few mths, because nothing tasted of anything. I chain-smoked and didn't sleep. I went to the drs and got some anti-depressants, and slowly, slowly - started to heal.
Looking back now, it was the beginning of something amazing as well as terrifying. I spent my 30th birthday, staring at the four walls of my room, in a shared house with 3 other women - after living with xp in relatively comfortable 'cosy coupledom' for years - it felt surreal. I played a lot of sad songs (my poor housemates!!). Yet - being around 'normal' people, in a friendly house, with women who actually had social lives, friends coming in and out etc - was indescribably helpful. Just soaking up the atmosphere of what it was to be an independent, capable person again.
So...take up opportunities to be around other people - reach out to old friends, talk. I talked to anyone who would listen lol. I found friends would start ringing me regularly (even though the friendship had drifted before then) - just to check I was OK. Sometimes my dearest friends would invite me out - like going to a park, or a walk somewhere, and I would be a bit like a zombie, sat quietly on the perifery, not having much to say. Shit company. But it's surprising how kind people can be - they didn't expect me to be, or do, anything. Just to be there, listening to gentle conversation and chat was lovely.
Make lists of simple things to do, to get you through the day. Mine literally started off with stuff like "Get up." "Brush hair" "Eat" lol! But ticking things off was quite nice.
Schedule in some nice things - I started to go for massages once a month.
It's not easy but time really does heal. I never thought I'd be happy again - but life has a way of surprising you.
My 31st birthday was fucking fantastic btw - surrounded by friends, and loved ones, no drama, just simply me, in charge of my own life, happy - self confident, dating again, feeling strong and even though I do say so myself - never looked so bloody gorgeous in years! 
X - post - damn too late for the hand-holding!
Oh and I wanted to say - anyone who thinks Brian Blessed is a star and enjoys HIGNFY is, imho, obviously too funny, smart and sparky to stay with plonkers who don't appreciate them as they are. 
Hope you managed to eat something, Wearing ....you will feel better for a little food.
Brilliant posts here, and I love Jenny's from 12:34. It's true that even change for the better is effort (will be taking that to heart myself, Jenny).
I think the feeling that it isn't anything really, and maybe it's all me is so normal with EA, it's almost a marker that you're in an EA relationship.
It's not you though, it's him. Keep going forward.... 
Thanks to all you lovely ladies for the hand holds, shoulder squeezes and cheers
Well, I feel a little better, took the kids for tea at a little local italian cafe and had soup & a bun and had a banana just now. Also trying to drink more as maybe a bit of dehydration? They do say (whoever "they" are) that we get much of our water each day from our food, so guess if I'm eating less I may be missing out water too.
Kids in bed, I'm in bed, feel absolutely wrung out. I was alomst asleep on my feet putting kids to bed. Maybe a good nights sleep will help, I just hope I get one.
Mum popped in to my work this afternoon, was nice to have a chat about what's going on with H and also just to have a laugh. Turns out my auntie (mum's younger sister) has always hated my H with a passion, since the day she met him.
As has my auntie's husband.
And my mums closest friend.
And my stepdad said, when my mum told him what was happening, that of course me & kids could stay at their house & he would lend me his car if I needed it.
I was wondering today how I should tell him it's over, when the time comes. By which I mean, do I cite the years of abuse as the reason I'm ending it, or do I just say that it isn't working anymore and we need to separate?
And second to that, what do we tell the kids? That mummy & daddy don't love each other anymore? Or that we don't want to live together anymore? I don't want to let them think for an instant that any of this is in any way their fault, they've suffered enough.
If I don't respond to any replies tonight, you'll know I'm asleep!
Oh, HURRAH, Socks! You've talked to people and they've validated you! I feel tremendously relieved; goodness knows how you feel So very pleased you have somewhere welcoming to go in the short term. Phew!
Personally, I wouldn't bother telling him he's abusive. You'll have to cite instances on your divorce petition and I'd do that in the least inflammatory language you can manage (though you could use the term 'emotional abuse' there.) Reason being that you've been trying to get him to change for xty years; one more sally now won't alter that, and would likely make him want to be nasty. There's plenty in your OP. Perhaps you can sum it all up, for now, as "You've been putting me down for too long, I've had enough." (I'm sure others will come up with something more exactly right!)
I'd put it this way to the DCs, too. They should know that we don't have to carry on living with people who call us names and try to bully us. Of course, it's not their fault, etc ...
Sleep well. xx
Wearing, do what you have to do and if he threatens to have a breakdown, that's not your problem.
I couldn't agree more with what atilathemeerkat says. counseling or mediation is not going to help you. He won't suddenly 'get' it, as you know, he'll use the situation to his advantage. I did it and it just didn't achieve anything because I was too scared to reveal how awful he was and i had the feeling that hte woman thought i was a bit princessy or something. left me feeling a confused.
I was already bending over backwards so far my back was about to break. I was giving everything. He wanted to take more. And we set off to mediation, where he would be given a platform to say how my "behaviour" made him feel. 
Anyway, the best thing to do is just to say no, mediation is not appropriate here because I don't love you and I want to split up. don't sugar coat it. Be quite factual. I've found that it's best not to say anything that can be argued with. eg, trying to give examples of why his behaviour was unacceptable. It is pointless, he'll come back with 'his side' and all anybody will hear is conflict, and in their ignorance and naievety they think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.
NO. It's not.
Yes Attila. I fear that that is how it goes.
But it doesn't look good in court if you have refused it I gather..... Never concede to be reasonable wearing, he will push push push push to get his way at your expense. It might be better to get a solicitor to draw up what you want first and then you can that to hand and refer to it 'my solicitor has advised me that THIS is fair. standing back here so that you can get better advice on this subject....
Here is the website that I have found so helpful. there are plenty but this one gives you a full picture and has a long list on the right hand side (scroll down) of different types of abusers and different personality disorders. A lot of it all links in, so read it all. There are pages in here that I've read fifty or sixty times. read this
Jenny, thanks for the link, I've just had a quick look, the being too nice page was esp interesting, I think that is me all over. IncogKNEEto has kindly sent me a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book, it's winging it's way to my mum's house as we speak .
Attila, I fear you may be right. Time to be on my guard.
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