Subtle EA? Or is it just me? Confused, please help

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

I sincerely apologise in advance for the length of this post, feel free to skim bits if it makes it easier.

I have lurked here for sometime, have stumbled across the support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships, have never thought of DH as abusive as he?s never hit me but I?ve been unhappy for a while and couldn't understand why, he?s not overtly abusive, doesn't call me names or put me down in any obvious way, but over the 15 years we?ve been together has done some pretty shitty things. (We?ve been together 15 years, married for 10 and have ds age 7 and dd age 5)

only months after we got together I discovered I was pregnant, I hoped to sit down & discuss it like adults with him; he burst into tears, wailed, sobbed, put his head in his hands and begged me to have an abortion. I would have done anyway but didn't feel like I had a choice. The very fact that I was considering keeping it seemed to offend him.

He once burned the book i was reading on our BBQ (when drunk) because it was called ?The Satanist? and as a Catholic it offended him, esp as his mum had cancer.

once during a heated argument he got so angry he punched the wall right next to my head so hard it left the imprint of his four knuckles in the plaster; he said that was ok, he was so angry he really wanted to punch me but punched the wall instead.

2-3 years ago he decided to get fit so was having sessions with a PT, he badgered me into going too, even though I wasn't keen; after 6 months when i?d lost 1 1/2 stone, and gone from a size 16 to a 12 (im 6ft) he told me one night as i was getting into bed that ?he didn?t fancy me anymore, my tits were all saggy and I?d ruined my body and he wanted me to have a boob job"

last year bought me some eye-wateringly expensive underwear, and despite me saying repeatedly that it didn't fit has proceeded to buy me another 4 sets of same size stuff. Gets upset when I tell him it doesn't fit (again) and says he is only doing it to spice things up and put the spark back.

once remotley wiped my iphone after an argument, and during same argument threatened to sell the car

demanded/coerced me into sex when I had recurring thrush (every month, over a period of four years), despite me telling him repeatedly how much it burned.

no help with kids - has never bathed kids, could count on fingers of one hand how many times he?s put them to bed, says he cant read bedtime stories because he?s dyslexic but manages to spend 2-3 hours on his ipad every night. I thought that was normal until an exchange student we had staying with us for the summer last year commented on how he did nothing with the kids and I did everything.

went on holiday last year, DS took the class ?holiday bear? & was soooo excited, DH said we couldn?t take bear on days out in case it got lost. I was too scared to say the bear could go in the back pack, DS was visibly crushed & in tears, i felt I had failed DS because i didn't stand up to DH.

a couple of years back he tried to persuade me to have my navel pierced, i said no, then during an argument said he just wanted a sign that I loved him, like - guess what - having my navel pierced. to my eternal shame i did it, hated it but thank god it rejected so i took it out.

says he wants me to wear sexy clothes so that when we go out he can show me off and other blokes will be jealous. i don?t really want to anyones trophy.

he wants me to be completely hairless between my legs, i?ve tried it a couple of times but frankly don't like it, thinks its degrading, don?t think im setting a good example to my dd (or ds for that matter, what will he think when sees a real bush?), (and god does it itch when it grows back in) he says I should do it for him to please him.

Says i should do things to please him even if i don't like doing it, as he would do the same for me. i have tried to explain to him that i don't understand how he can get pleasure from me doing something I clearly don't want to do, and that i wouldn't even ask him to do something that he was unhappy with, but he doesn't get it.

A few weeks ago DS was unhappy at school & with homework, after a discussion with the head teacher I was browsing the web looking at home schooling (something I considered before DS started school, not something I?d rush into but it?s always an option) he caught me looking at HE websites, didn't think to ask my opnion about it, just went straight into a tirade about how he disagreed and he was really upset that I was even thinking about it.

basically every argument turns into how he feels about it and how upset I have made him feel and how i need to change my behavior so that he doesn?t get upset and that he?s only happy when I?m happy.

I?ve stuck it this long because of what we?ve been through with his parents, his mum had cancer for years, with all the entailing chemo, radiotherapy etc, then 3 weeks after she died we found out his Dad had cancer, he died 6 months later (Feb 2009). For a long time I?ve made excuses for DH?s behavior because his parents were ill and then obv he was grieving.

Last year things seemed finally to be good, we had about 6 months where I thought we were finally coming out of the woods, but the last 6 months have been hell. We argue every week, he says its because I don't talk to him. I?ve tried to explain I feel afraid to talk to him because he raises his voice, interrupts me, and doesn't listen. He says its all down to me, only I can change it and I?m not normal.

I could go on but think even i'd lose the will to live reading it all.

In short (and thanks if you?ve stuck with me this far) is any of the above normal? would you have put up with this thus far? Am I over-reacting? And what are the chances of things ever being better? should I just cut my losses now and run?

I?ve just turned 40, have taken a long hard look at the last 15 years and don't want the next 15 to be the same.

[Greatdomestic]

OP, I haven't read all of the responses yet but in response to your question, no it's not. I don't think it's subtle at all, totally blatant.

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

Fluffymonster that sums the whole scenario up very concisely, except tbh he doesn't even work that hard. He works Mon-Fri, occasional weekends. The nature of the work is such that some months we're really busy and he does work long days, but then when it's slack he sits around much of the day on the computer. I'm not saying he should be working flat out 24/7, but the times when we're not busy he does nothing extra round the house to help me. And it's not like I haven't asked. Several time I've suggested that I might be less tired if he did a bit more, like put the kids to bed or cook the occasional meal. Nothing.

OxfordBags that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me for a long time (apart from the kids, who tell me they love me every day, but you know what I mean). And you're right, he only spends time with them when he has to. Last weekend after yet another big bust up I took myself off for the day to clear my head and left him with the kids. Apparently they had a great time, had breakfast and tea out and went to a bouncy castle thingy for an hour. But mostly when we go out something happens to turn the day into a shit time for all.

And something you mentioned struck a chord. he insists that he's not stopping me going out and seeing friends. And yet, suspiciously, almost every time I go out (which is once in a blue moon) he either manages to contrive an argument just before I go out (thus ensuring my evening is blighted by bad feeling) or else he'll make a "joke" about how I'm abandoning him. Oh, how I laugh.....

I would love a little hovel, just for me & the kids. And the cats.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I would love a little hovel, just for me & the kids. And the cats".

What's stopping you ultimately?. Please do not be with him when you are 41 years of age. Life's too short to spend it in misery with an abusive and self absorbed narcissist like your H.

[Stropzilla]

Please just go ahead and get your own little place, just you the kids and the cats. Keeping you in fear and effectively raping you is evil. You don't need your kids to think this is normal behaviour and YOU don't need this behaviour. You will be so much better off without him terrorising you. Why can you not just do it? It'll be hard and scary but this time next year you will be so much happier as will your kids.

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

Sorry, maybe I haven't said it explicitly in an earlier post. I have every intention of leaving him, and as I'm not 41 til November have time to do it by then, although tbh I'm hoping for a damn sight sooner than that!

I am, by nature, a quite cautious person anyway, and I think this is one of those times when "slowly, slowly, catchy monkey" is very apt.

I am getting my head round things, I am making plans in my head and will make plans on paper that I can keep at my mums house. I'm doing my research and figuring everything out as much as I can before I act, then I can act from an informed position of strength rather than not having a fecking clue what I'm doing.

I will NOT be with this man for any longer than is necessary. Yes, I'd love to tell him to go to hell, take the kids to my mums house & breath a sigh of relief, but that would mean more upheaval for the kids. For the sake of a couple of weeks I can hopefully be a but more in control of how I go, rather than rushing into it.

[Stropzilla]

Good for you! Take your time, prep what you need and under no circumstances let him know you are leaving until you are gone. Then change your number and do not let him know where you are.

[flippinada]

"And something you mentioned struck a chord. he insists that he's not stopping me going out and seeing friends. And yet, suspiciously, almost every time I go out (which is once in a blue moon) he either manages to contrive an argument just before I go out (thus ensuring my evening is blighted by bad feeling) or else he'll make a "joke" about how I'm abandoning him"

My XP used to do this to me. It's awful, isn't it? In the end I found it easier just to not do stuff, but we all know where that leads.

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

It sounds like the saying 'life begins at 40' really will apply to you.

How very empowering to hear your resolve.

I did the same. I'm so glad I did 9 years ago. I am happy. There is no shouting in my life. Home is a sanctuary rather than a battlefield. I do not have to put on a false face as I walk in my front door. I relax and am grateful.

I just want to highlight another sign you're in an abusive relationship - wise as Oxford is, she should not be the person who said the nicest thing to you in months. That should be your partner.

My wake up call was after a meeting at work when a few people starting saying nice things about me and my capability - I was really touched. As I sat at my desk afterwards reflecting on how nice it felt I took a look at my life and wondered how the fuck a bunch of relative strangers made me feel better than my H! And that was the start of me questioning the life I was existing. I suffered very similar abuse to yourself. I took too long to leave. Unfortunately the cycle Fluffy talks about does happen and in my case the worse bits were much worse. So my advice is get your paperwork stashed at your Mum's so you can just walk out with the kids if you need.

Here to handhold, support, listen, and cheer you on.

[IncogKNEEto]

Wearing I agree with you and all the other posters, he is not a nice man, you, your dc (& cats!) will be so much happier without his abusive self around.

If you do want a copy of the 'Why does he do that?' book I have a spare copy and if you PM me your Mum's address I am happy to post it to you. Keep strong, you will get there.

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

Thanks so much IncogKNEEto, that is overwhelmingly kind. I'll PM you my mum's address now.

H & DC just gone out, he usually takes ds to church but has taken dd as well so I can get some rest, told him I was feeling really ill - only a slight exaggeration, I'm actually not feeling overly chipper this morning, but I can use time to ring Womens Aid and take another little step forward.

[JennyFromTheBog]

good.

I also reccomend that book.

[JennyFromTheBog]

Teamakesitallpossible, I remember realising that my grandma had had an easier life than I was having. I'd always believed she'd had 'a hard life'. But a few comments from my mum made me reassess. (I mean obviously all the mean horrible comments and insults too, but....... ykwim). My grandma had had 8 children, but she made clothes out of patterns on her sewing machine and mum said that women would come round with patterns and the tea and home made flap jacks would come out and the sitting room always seemed to be full of women chatting and laughing. I realised that my grandma had her own money, was 'allowed' to have other women around to the house, she may have had 8 children but my granddad used to tell people proudly what a great seamstress she was and how the dresses she made when she didn't use a pattern were the best.

I felt so sad but somehow galvanised when i realised that two generations later my life was a milliion times harder.

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

Just had a conversation with the lovely, lovely lady at WA, it has reinforced my resolve to leave this shitty marriage and move on. I've got the number for the local WA, they seem to have loads of support, advice etc so will get in touch with them this week.

Need to try and get to see a solicitor sometime soon, going to be tricky as I have so little free time & don't want to arouse H's suspicions. Need to find a decent solicitor first though. One of the mums at school that I'm friendly with is a solicitor, specialising in child protection, I could ask her, i'm just wary of telling anyone in case it gets back to H. She seems very trustworthy, our kids are all friends, have been to her house etc. Or maybe I should say that I have "a friend" who needs help? Although I suspect she might see through such a flimsy ruse.

Feeling a bit better now, and a step closer to freedom..

[wordyBird]

Good for you Wearing!

Just to confirm what Tea said: if a stranger says something kind and it's a long time since you've heard a kind remark, that in itself tells you something's wrong.

Before my friend left her abusive relationship, I made a small compliment and recall that she was amazed. She almost treasured what I'd said. He'd made her think so little of herself, that everyday kindness was quite alien to her.

She's happy now, and you will be too Wearing :)

[OxfordBags]

Yeah, and I'm not even really that nice

I'm an Atheist, but I just read your above post and thought "I don't know how he dare go to church, what a hypocrite!". He's hardly loving and cherishing you, is he?

Glad you've spoken to WA. Leaving this man will not only benefit you, it will be wonderful for your kids in the long run. It's not only terrible for them to have such an uninvolved, self-obsessed bore of a father dragging everyone down, but it's also terrible for them to learn lessons at life based on witnessing you being treated this way. By leaving, you can change their futures and give them a much better chance of having happy, equal relationships when they grow up.

I would confide in that friend. She sounds trustworthy and will be able to offer decent advice, not just a shoulder to cry on (which is always nice but at times like this, you need practical support as well). Don't be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong, and she will have sadly heard it all before. What's more, her professionalism, especially with the child protection background, she is going to onow better than anyone the importance of anything you say not getting back to your OH. Perhaps she could refer you to an excellent colleague, if you don't want to make things awkward for the friendship by discussing things too much in depth?

One thing I would counsel though is to not think too much about what-ifs and future possible issues and barriers, etc., because that'll must freeze you into inaction. I say this, because I am the worst person in the world for all that! Also, his abusiveness makes you worry and overthink, and you know that freezes you, so strike the balance between planning and findout out options, etc., and just going for it :)

[BooMum123]

OxfordBags you are very wise... As are lots of posters here. Second all of it.

I suppose might also help to remember that all of us here probably have some experience of something similar to what's happening to you, whether personally or a good enough friend to realise what was up. So you're not on your own, however much it must feel like that sometimes.

And you do sound sweet and sparky and all of those things - smart, too, which appreciate sometimes doesn't help matters all that much.

Hope you're okay

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

I don't feel so alone anymore BooMum123 since I've spoken to my mum and all you lovely people here. To paraphrase wordyBird, I'm amazed at the kindness and support I've been shown and really do treasure it. It's making a shit situation bearable, because now I know it isn't me, it's him, and I'm not the only person who has been through this. And the fact that other people have survived it and come through it and are happy now gives me immense hope for mine & the kids future.

I think I will speak to my friend about solicitors OxfordBags, she seems trustworthy & very level headed. And yes I agree, there is a risk of me over planning, esp being a bit of a perfectionist, but I just want to know where I stand legally and what is the best way to move forward. WA sounds like they'll be a big help.

[OxfordBags]

I think you'll get things right, Wearing. After all, you've had to do so mich planning and sorting and thinking and working things out in this relationship, that the silver lining is that you have all the skills needed to work this out for yourself and your Dc very well :)

[PurpleThing]

Local WA may have good ideas on which solicitor to use. I can email or phone the woman I see instead of going in, which is easier.

I've just read that book and I think you will recognise a lot of your h's behaviour, even the nice things he does.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm pleased you're looking for a way forward and outward, Wearing. Just a thought on the thing about buying tickets to something you really want to go to, and whether that constitutes being nice: from my cynical perspective it looks like he bought tickets to the right to carry on abusin'. As part of ongoing behaviour that included being respectful and affectionate it would mean something. As the occasional sweetener when he senses you're nearing the end of your tether, not so much.

[Jux]

Oh that every day kindness people show each other as a matter of course! It's an asolute killer when you've been so long without it that you've forgotten that that's what normal people do.

Keep going, Wearing. Your life and your children's lives are soon going to be unrecognisable! Good luck.

[Fluffymonster]

So glad you're getting support in RL wearing - I often think the hardest and darkest days are the ones leading up to a decision. You're reclaiming your life back and it takes courage, but so worth it, and better for your dc not to be in such a toxic environment. Yes speak to your friend - once you start using your energies on yourself instead of keeping the peace and suppressing your own inner voice, you'll be surprised how strong and resourceful you can be.

[JennyFromTheBog]

Yes, really glad to hear you've rung WA!

I agree with Anniegetyourgun wrt the tickets. Just because a toxic person occasionally does something slightly nice doesn't mean they are owed loyalty or forgiveness.

[WearingFuckMeSocks]

Oh my goodness, I have just read the "Out of the FOG" traits of narcissistic personality disorder. This is so my H. esp the Always & Never statements that he uses when we argue, the alienation & isolation, the sense of entitlement, the grooming, Everything, it's all him.

Even the cheating; he has told me in the past (and on more than one occasion, so it must be true) that I'm the only person (with whom he's had a relationship) that he hasn't cheated on - like I'm supposed to be impressed by that?! Is that supposed to make me feel special? Really? actually just makes me suspicious, although I've no evidence that he ever has been unfaithful, frankly it wouldn't be that huge a shock if I now found out he has been.

My mum has always said of him "it's all about him" and it is. It's like he has the leading role in the epic saga of his own life and everyone else just has a walk on part, like some weird version of The Truman Show.

[JennyFromTheBog]

Is that a book or a link?

My x made me feel like that too, that I just had a minor role (that exhausted me) in the play about HIS LIFE. Also felt that he very much cast me in the role. I hadn't chosen my own role. He chose his of course.