support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

colin good idea re. doctor. hang in there.

Hooray for Maggie! Well done, you are an inspiration to those of us still inside. So glad to hear you're out and safe. Lots of love, and

Big hugs Colin. It sounds hard now but it will get better, and easier now he's out of your life. Can you get any RL support?

Struggling myself right now, FW never ceases to try new ways to control me. Will post later on it if I have the energy.

colin you have done the right thing to get a doctors appointment. I know this new information is hard to take but you are out and free and that other person will soon seen he is a FW, so please don't think he is al happy and you are just sad. She will leave him or he her if she doesn't do what he wants. Get all the help you can - you are a wonderful person and life is giong to start getting better now.
Maggie hello - wow you have a lot on but are doing it. You are one strong, resourceful lady.
nini get some rest if you can, sosorry to here things are full on for you at the moment. I tend to find it comes in waves.
Feeling stronger today after a bad day yesterday..DDay or CDay is soon I will update after that. My DS is not a toy, posession or tool to use to get at me, he needs care from others not meet the needs of those who think they are just entitled to everything they want for themselves.

oh MS Amazeballs!!!!!! (I don't know how to spell piroueting).

Welcome back lovely, from your new safe location!!! yay!

word of warning. your old mobile number can be traced v. easily. Don't have it in your phone [the sim], or the phone even switched on when you are in safe place. You can be tracked to within 50 ms of your location! - an the obvious, not updating fb status, etc. It is the SIM that holds the number and the phones memory, and very basic old handsets are equally traceable as the new that use GPS now.

So so happy you all made it safe out!!! Keep your message as a reminder if you ever weaken and forget what an amazing thing you've done. Look forward to life getting a bit flat! although, we're heading into summer now, and all you need is peace andquiet and happy DC .

So thrilled for you. I beet you are loving your comfortable nights sleep, I do find airbed more comfy that the sofa! and your new stuff will be here soon ... (((Hugs))) xxxx and [for later

oh Nini, Colin just been talking this morning about the ways they try to control. Just neverending. Sorry you are both struggling with FWs. I have had some straightening out today, which always puts FW back into perspective and gives me back my own life again, by dismissing his residency in my head. with that, and me and my priorities and values in mind, I shall head off to resolve issues of glazing, in the sun.

warm wishes all xxx

I'm so, so pleased you're out and safe Maggie More power to you! Bloody well done.

:) maggie.

Supervised for quite a while for the DC if possible.

And don;t be surprised if mediation fails...keep the tricks up your sleeve, take the old sim out of your phone and welcome in your new life
. bunting. flags (not red) and pom poms

Maggie!!!!! Just skimmed the post and saw your name! Haven't read anything other than that you are out, but just had to post my relief. Phew. Just... phew. So pleased, and so proud of you!!!! You. Is. Amazeballs.

Will now go and read all the other posts.

Did I mention phew??

Yay! So happy to hear from you Maggie, sounding so strong - and the dcs are happy so who cares what ignorant people think? Well done you - so glad you're safe.

Ooh, that's made my day!

Colin - how did you get on at the doc's today? Sending you hugs. have you thought about calling WA? They will listen and understand and will be able to talk to you about how you are feeling right now, which is totally understandable in your circumstances. I am sure my FW has been telling anyone who will listen that I am a crazy lady - how else can they explain why they would have split up with us?

Maggie - that's quite a leaving tale. Hope the police are aware where you are (or even that he got picked up for trashing your house - setting fires, god he's just a psycho). Supervised visits for as long as possible! And fool is right (as always! ) about mediation - remember you don't have to agree to anything in mediation (ie if he's bullying you/presenting unreasonable options), it's just there to see if an agreement can be reached. If it can't, it goes to court. if there's anything at all you need, ask!
You might notice the sad absence of one of us, who is much missed. Leclerc has had to leave the thread because her effing eff of a FW tracked her down and found her on it. But I'm sure she's still watching over us and will be so pleased to hear your news.

Maggie😃 so happy to see you! So glad to hear you're out. And so to hear of his mega fwittery on you leaving. I just logged in briefly as have to get dcs but had to paste a huge hello xxxxxx

Colin I really hope doc appt yields something to help you even if chemical pending some counselling. Take care and don't forget we're behind you with the kitchen implement army and also that you WILL feel better- probably by degrees but the first bit if being better will def be along very shortly. Hang on in there.

Nini lovely to see you too

Chat later xxxx to all. in the Vixens tonight anyone I'll be at fp this evening but will be in the Vix by last orders!!

Ah feck emoticon fail ha ha what I meant was Maggie !!!!

Ps 'Allo 'Allo to watching friend xxx

Pssst. It is I, Leclerc...

Maggie I can't even begin to tell you how delighted I am to hear your news! Not about the FWittery, obviously, but about the escape. Like you, I am not surprised by the depths to which our respective FWs will sink, but I am shocked constantly. Mine pulled a particularly nasty stunt last week which will appear terribly normal and reasonable on the outside but is really just (yet) another abuse of both the children and me.

It sounds like many of us (nini, colin et al) are in need of hugs, and tonight. Perhaps the Vixens will be open - in Maggie's honour where we can drink to Liberte, Fraternite et Egalite

oooo lovelies all together Allo Allo What time are the doors open [til?] I will make sure I'm back for a last orders tonight! A celebratory glass raising to hell raising!

Maggie - that is just the best news possible
That is so amazingly well done.

Another well done for maggie hugely pleased for you and sorry for the fuckwittery. You are a brave lady. Thank you for updating.

tis hello to you too! They are bloody masters at disguising fuckwittery as reasonableness.

nini hope you are okay.

Will catch up on rest of thread later.

Hi Leclerc, nice to hear from you - miss you here!

Noting fuckwittery disguised as reasonableness is my aim for the next few months. I am still at the stage of assuming anything that sounds reasonable is just that. In fact, I've lurked on a few threads recently where I've been destabilised by the OP's FW's patter, even though it's being reported by the OP and picked apart straight away by many contributing. And people say, "I felt sick reading what you've gone through" and to me it seemed quite subtle abuse!

So, to help me in my aim, I have reconnected with my WA woman, with whom I'm going to talk much more about what he's done and what might be reasonable and what not.

Evening. Been to docs and got a prescription. I can get counselling although I think I might need CBT or something a bit more aggressive.

I feel as if my body has been burned and as if there something toxic running through me. I can't get the image of them doing it out of my head and it breaks my heart. Feel so sick.

I'm even missing the whole being stalked

I got a really nice message from one of his exes who is a sort of friend and knew him years ago saying 'she won't really be a girlfriend, that's just the mood he's in at the moment and he changes that all the time. He's a child who will never have a proper job and will drink too much. He is not partner material and is destructive'. Indeed.

Maggie, may I suggest a name change now? Maybe MaggieInHerOwnBed? Well done again and for your new place.

Hey Colin, glad you're getting some of the help you need. One step at a time yes? I'm sure one of the more experienced ladies may have something to say on this - but maybe allow yourself those feelings in order to get them out of your system? As long as it leads you to us here at the Vixens and not back to him

Wave to Leclerc - miss yooooou!

Ok, big rant time coming if you can indulge me...starting a new post for this.

Bring it on Nini. I relinquished my title as chief ranter and thread filler some time ago It's about time someone else took it on!

maggie yay so pleased to finally see you on here. I'm sorry that leaving was a bit dramatic and that he is still being an uber FW but it sounds like you are so much in a better place. The fact that the DC are already happier speaks volumes.

colin well done for seeing the doctor. Keep posting here. We understand. but I would second speaking or even just emailing women's aid. They are so lovely. I know it doesn't feel it but it will get better.

leclerc lovely to see you popping in for a swift one

charlotte - getting in touch with your WA lady sounds like a sensible move.

Hello to everyone else too. Looking forwards to later in honour of Maggie

This post may well out me in RL, but I don't care.

Ok...so last christmas. FW doesnt 'do' presents for me really, hasn't done for years. In the interests of starting afresh (as suggested by our counsellor at the time), we ask each other what we want. He asks for a jumper, which I bought. I ask for a DVD.

Xmas was a horrible affair involving my narc Mum, enabler sister, me and FW. On xmas eve FW and me had a big row after I pulled him up on something and I hid in bed from about 8pm onwards, so on xmas day we were not on good terms. Instead of opening my DVD, he presents me wit 2 tickets to a gig to see a band I kinda like (in front of my family of course to full effect). I was secretly a bit naffed off but didn't say anything as it was xmas.

He had already 'vetted' which of my friends he was going to invite to go with me. This is important as he dislikes some of my friends greatly and in the early days of our relationship managed to make me distance myself from some of them (I was stupid enough to go along with this as they 'weren't real friends' according to him). This friend of mine that he had invited he really likes, although she works 3 jobs and is getting married this year so hardly has a weekend to herself as it is. I feel guilty for her getting dragged into this.

Anyway, I put off organising going to this gig - I'm in debt as some of you know so spending money on transport (gig is other side of England) is a luxury I'd rather avoid, and I didn't want to use annual leave up etc. I knew this was going to end in a row.

A few weeks back he conveniently tells me he has to work at the same time I'll be away and he won't be home - we have no family close by so nobody to look after DD overnight. Next thing I know, he's 'arranged' with FIL (who I can't stand, is a complete fucking idiot and should not be left in charge of a plant let alone a small child - FW knows this, FIL has never had her for more than an hour alone), so that FIL will stay and look after her. At no point was I even CONSULTED - he has already made the decision - why would I have a say?

This has dragged on and on...gig is this Thursday. I've booked no transport, I'm not happy with FIL looking after DD, I'm not happy about being 'obliged' into going when it wasn't what I asked for and I can't afford it anyway. I sound very spoilt don't I?

FIL rings tonight to ask what's happening - FW has tried to invite him to stay tomorrow night as well as Thursday night. Cue massive row - he's laying it on thick as I said I didn't ask for this 'gift', I'm not happy with the way things have been arranged, I have enough on my plate as it is with work, studies and visitors that HE invited this coming weekend and to top it all off FW is swanning off to work leaving ME to arrange with FIL where DD's nursery is, what time to pick her up, bedtime and morning routines, milk, nappies, how to feed the cat and when, the works. AND he's staying in our bed when our room is a tip and I'll have to change sheets etc before I go.

How on earth did I get in this situation??????!!!!!! FW is making me feel so unreasonable but being upset with this, I don't think I am but you know how the spaghetti head can creep up on you. A reasonable response would be to simply say I'm not going, but even that feels unreasonable. Any words of wisdom?!

That is a massive rant and I'm sorry. FW is now acting all 'sad, kicked puppy' and is sulking downstairs. Issue has not been resolved.

I just can't put up with being bullied around anymore.

I should also say I did try to make alternative arrangements for childcare a while back, but with no family within an hour's drive I just couldn't get anyone. I even looked into costs of driving DD to my Mum's (nowhere near the gig venue) but with my travel on top it was just too expensive.