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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last train to Loserville Part 2

999 replies

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 21:55

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/04/2013 11:27

LNM you are seeing friends over the weekend arent you? Please dont cancel on them, go see them, put the world to rights, have a laugh and try to have some fun.

This recent situation is absolutely not of your doing, not one tiny bit. It is still ALL about him. I want to slap him!

swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 11:30

they don't protect against herpes i know that much. also without being too graphic it depends if condoms were put on purely for penetration or prior to genital contact iyswim. if your genitals have been in contact body fluids can/will be exchanged albeit not sperm for preg risk. no expert though.

RhondaJean · 20/04/2013 11:41

Delurking to say what a twat and the offer still stands if you need anything.

Xx

Fairenuff · 20/04/2013 12:16

He has caused you so much hurt and grief, he has affected the stability and security in your daughters' lives and brought them sadness. He has also used the ow selfishly and possibly created another life to add to his mess of misery. Who knows what else he has done.

All because he could only think of himself.

Enough chaos from one man. Enough lives messed with.

Well done on telling him it's not your problem. You're right, its' not.

What he chooses to do is up to him and there is nothing you can say or do to change that. He is the person he is. He will deal with consequences as he sees fit. No-one can force him to think of others, he has to learn that for himself and it looks like he is now.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Have a think about maybe marking the occasion on the date you would have been due. Maybe plant a little tree, or send up one of those floating candles, or a balloon with a special goodbye message? If you want to let us know the date, I will light a candle for all your loved ones.

Have a great weekend. Try to put it all to one side for now and just have fun with your girls. You have them, you have your friends, you have a home, you have a job (that will do for now), and you have us x

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 20/04/2013 12:31

Thank you.

I'll book an app with sexual health just to be on the safe side.

I was thinking about that, imagining finding out because he had got her pregnant, that would be worse than this. It's just a big mess, but it's his mess, he's made his bed he can lie in it. As long as he to provides for dd's, emotionally and financially I don't care what's happening in his sordid little life.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 12:39

I can imagine LNM, hes shitting himself, because he was keen for him to take you back, and now its ever unlikely that you want too, but i can almost say for sure, they'll be living together soon.

Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 12:39

*for you to take him back

themidwife · 20/04/2013 13:01

Yeah I bet the little weasel will go & live with her once he knows you won't take him back. At least you can divorce him for adultery & name OW now as you have proof. Small consolation I know Sad

CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 13:29

LNM. You sound so level headed and deserve so much more than this. My personal view is to try and get past the hurt by indulging in a little ranty bitterness and then to as you say put it behind you. It's no longer part of your life. It's his mess and he can sort it. (Karma)

As regards the little part of your life that it can impact upon...your DC. They are amazingly adaptable. It's really astounding what small children face and just shrug their shoulders and carry on. They're not like us weighed down with burdens of emotional betrayal, subtle hurts etc. Feed them, entertain them, love them. That will be what they need.

You will be the one constant in their lives providing them an anchor. You are enough (more than)

A few things have kicked off in my life in the last couple of days (nothing major but ex related). My DC are handling it very well because we have built such a solid unit of 'us'. I do the 'why us' 'why is this happening' bit but also know that people out there are facing much worse with serious life threatening illness.

We don't have the family life that we might have planned but we have a lot of honest love and support.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 20/04/2013 15:12

Hope everything's ok Cabbage.

He probably will end up moving in with her. I don't know, when I found out I was pregnant he mentioned termination, he would never have pushed me into it, it was an option at the time. To think he would set up home with someone else and have a baby makes me feel sick. I'm trying not to care and keep reminding myself what he's done.

On the other hand, he said she is planning to move away as she can't stand living here and being judged Hmm Well I'm afraid if you shag a married man with kids then you're going to get judged. Don't want to waste much time thinking about her though.

He's been texting me all day saying how sorry he is blah blah blah. I'm not replying, just waiting on my friend coming round. Nearly cancelled a hundred times but can't put it off and a hug is more than welcome right now.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 15:17

LNM, You've acted admirably in all of this, and you sound amazing, so just remember, hes lost out not you or DD's, DD's still have you, and you still have who you are.

I'll tell you what my hairdresser told me, Dont feel sorry for you DD's because they have a parent who loves and worships them, will always be there for them, and would never betray them.

He can live in his self made misery, but you still get a happy home and a new life, where you can do whatever you want, be single is soo underrated.

swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 15:38

i'm glad you haven't cancelled! you do need a hug and someone who cares about you to talk to. you have done nothing wrong and all of this is his making.

CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 15:57

Everything is ok thank you LNM. Ex has ability to affect my DC more than me now (which affects me). But they are resilient and we are a bonded team. I almost feel sorry for him because he's not got the same in his life

I'm sat in the sun with iPod, dog sunbathing next to me, youngest has just done her spellings with me and is on the trampoline. I've eyed up the skipping rope but need sports bra so have decided to take this in stages. This stage I'm calling the considering stage. This stage of skipping is working so well for me that I might not move on to the next stage.

I am warm and relaxed, exchanging funny messages with my two DC who live around the country at their unis. DD3 has a sleepover tonight. don't think about this too hard, will ruin the moment Nice day out at national trust property (free weekend this weekend anyone?) tomorrow.

Hope your evening with friend is restorative LNM

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 20/04/2013 16:22

Oh, LNM, fucking hell. He really has made the most godawful bloody mess of things, hasn't he? So sorry.

CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 16:32

The more I think about this, the more suspicious I am of the OWs timing. Either way he's been a total idiot

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/04/2013 16:45

the best thing is not to think about the OW if you can help yourself. The timings, the 'only saw her twice' nonsense.

Enjoy having your friend round. She can give you lots of hugs. Sending virtual ones your way.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 20/04/2013 17:04

He's been so idiotic it's off the radar. Stupid man.

Sounds like a good day Cabbage, you sound like you have an amazing bond with your dc's. That is the main priority for me, looking after dd's and them knowing I'll be here no matter what.

My friend still hasn't arrived, getting slightly pissed off now tbh. Very close to send a 'Dont fucking bother' text. I HATE waiting on people, it's my pet hate.

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 17:07

It's been a 'journey' painful process involving tears, hateful words, anger, sadness and then recovery but worth it.

What time was she due LNM?

CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 17:09

The painful bit was bloody painful (teenagers are tbh!) but it's a bit like the Gruffalo situation. We had to do it and corny as it sounds its made us stronger. Littlest has just been fine. No painful bits :)

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 20/04/2013 17:20

She was meant to be here at 4pm. The plan was get a takeaway, dd's are just about chewing my arm off so need to feed them. I'll give it until 6pm. She's not answering her phone.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 17:29

have you called her LNM? i know just how you feel - hate waiting on people especially when it involves ds as he gets hyped up and i've got us all organised in time and then am left waiting and trying to keep him amused. my sister for all her strengths is a god awful timekeeper yet never ever phones or texts to say, 'sorry, running late' which always makes me feel taken the piss out of and as if my time means nothing. in their mind it doesn't tend to be that though.

hope she turns up soon

swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 17:29

duh! sorry - you said she's not answering her phone. that is annoying.

swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 17:39

don't send that text though lnm - there might be a good reason and you'd regret it. i'd say if it gets to six send a text saying dds are starving so we're going to have to eat - haven't heard from you so will assume you're not coming.

swallowedAfly · 20/04/2013 17:40

meant to say we tend to take things far more personally and feel bitterly let down when we're already feeling let down and hurt/abandoned you know? beware of projecting x

CabbageLeaves · 20/04/2013 17:53

I'd be upset. It's a bug bear of mine.

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