Last train to Loserville Part 2

[LoserNoMore]

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

Sweetheart tell people. They will help.

I second the anti D's. I went on anti d's to take the edge off as I was crying all the time and simply couldn't function, so went on them for DD's sake.

I used to say that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and want everything to be a few months on and OK, or go wake up and find that it never happened. :(

But life goes on and you just cope by dealing with one day at a time .

LNM- I have been following your threads, but haven't posted as I haven't much in the way of advice. I think you are doing brilliantly, I really do. I've watched a couple of friends fall to bits over relationship break-ups/ infidelities, and wished I could help them more. I bet your friends in rl will be as impressed with your handling of all this as all of us on here, please don't be afraid to use them. Hoping you feel better soon (or as much is as realistically possible, given all you have been through)

have just got in and catching up on tonights posts had the thought that although we all want to normalise your feelings to help you feel better, It isn't always that you have to fall apart or feel crap or go into depression. I haven't felt bad much at all. Yes I've had the depth of despair and the days when I wanted to stay under the duvet and couldn't stop tears however hard I tried!!! But they really didn't last long and I was soon able to focus again and restart my moving forward.

Ellen :) Yeah!
This is one of the times when I wish we could all beam ourselves over to bother you with a takeaway and a bottle or3 of wine

I went through it... Rather than past it ...iykwim It was grim and felt never ending. I didn't feel depressed exactly but despairing. However life did go on and I'm out the other side infinitely stronger and happier.

Lnm buy yourself some 'fuck you' flowers. i buy myself flowers regularly since i became single and they cheer me up.

Allo if you find you are either having trouble sleeping or waking up suddenly in a panic, try putting the radio on nectar to your bed on something like radio 4 so you can just hear it and no more. I find the quiet murmuring distract me and sends me off to sleep. (for me it only works with talking not music so sometimes i listen to podcasts)

Next not nectar

You don't have say much to people, nothing like the full story with bells & whistles. Just "x s now x. I don't want to go into it now." should be enough. You might find it helpful saying it to yourself out loud a few times, so you don't trip over it at first.

I'm so sorry, it's shit at the moment.

Start those ads asap, so you get their help sooner.

Hope the girls are OK, and your head is better.

Someone suggested, on another thread, that to help get to sleep to go through the alphabet choosing a name for each letter. I've found that pretty helpful.

i'm a bit out of step with general opinion here but i'd think twice about the AD's lnm. they're really not for grief - grief needs to be worked through and unless it becomes massively prolonged or turns into depression then it doesn't need medicating. if i was you i'd go back to the docs and say you just want something for short term to help you sleep and calm down on the worst days. that would be valium or something like it.

unless you have a history of depression and have been on them before i wouldn't take the ads in your situation - anything you're feeling is perfectly normal and needs to be felt really at this stage. also there is a lot to try before ADs - like talking to your friends, getting exercise, watching spring unfold and the longer days etc etc.

i take ADs myself and have had long term on and off mental health problems. if you don't have to take a tablet that messes with your brain chemistry (pretty radical really) then don't imo. and there isn't a need for them when being upset and worn down by very, very recent traumatic news and events and so soon after a whack to the head.

imo the gp made the wrong call prescribing them and a lot of counsellors and therapists complain about this kind of prescribing because grief is a natural process that needs passing through not a pathology that needs medicating.

if you are depressed it's situational and perfectly understandable - the situation resolving or settling down is what will solve that not a pill that can bring it's own issues. just to reiterate i take them myself so i'm not an anti meds person harping on. i did my counsellor training and also bereavement counselling training plus i've myself been down the medical model route (which was def necessary) so i can see both sides.

in your situation i'd have prescribed you say 10x2mg of valium and asked you to come back in a week.

I'm with SAF on this (however see caveat below) . I needed to grieve and do 'the time'.

My split was different in that we'd had a horrible slide into it (years and years of abuse following his affair and me taking him back) so I was glad to be out ...whilst grieving for the marriage I'd wanted, if that makes sense

However ..depression can follow a situation like this and ADs can help you avoid that or give you enough resilience to get through it in a better shape. Depends on how you feel. I did rock between despair and grief (quite bad) but then peace and hope so those good times got me through. Every one/situation is different. Do what feels right.

I'm a therapist and I agree with what saf said above 100%. It's annoys me the way GPs pathologise normal emotions. Grief needs to be worked through not papered over. i think they tend to shy away from prescribing benzos because they can be more addictive than ADs. But of course, it is your call LNM.

SwallowedAfly speaks a lot o sense LNM - I must admit that I agree with her so I'm VERY sorry to have given you the wrong message.

I think I was just wanting your Doc to give you something to help without really thinking it through. I suppose it shows how deeply we are embedded in the AD culture, when really, what would truly help, is something to help you relax. Something that will enable you to sleep safely and that in turn will help you gain strength to face your grief.

Sorry LNM. I feel I'm sending mixed messages here. Again, it's your call.

Saf is spot on...but if you think they will help you and therefore your children do it. It is not an irreversible decision. The feeling worse before you feel better part of starting antid is one of the worst bits.

In the meantime everything she suggested about friends fresh air and exercise wil work a lot sooner; to support you while they kick in or to support you while you grieve.

I hope you slept, and that the children give you a big hug this morning.

Exercise has been my biggest 'treatment'. I ran (tricky unless you have childcare). Swim and skip your way through this. I had to force myself and record it on a spreadsheet/log it online to motivate myself. It really was helpful

I agree with SAF too, I would be careful taking ADs unless you know you are definitely depressed, rather than 'just' (hah!!) dealing with horrendous grief, which can't be medicated away. You need to feel grief to get through it and out the other side; if it's just papered over or you go through it in a trance of drugs, it's still there waiting for you when you stop taking them.

Skip and swim through it, the fuck you flowers are a brilliant idea, and every day that you wake up with beautiful daughters who love and respect you, and without some bastard loser fuckwit taking you for a ride, you've won. You're already a winner, EllenM xx

Relatives of ours who have divorced have had periods of illness after everything's been finalised, the body can keep going for ages and suppress all the stress then when you think it's over and relax it thinks ooh I have time to be ill now.

It's better IMO to let out all the tension as you go along, not bottle it up like I did and get re-current illness for a year.

Thanks, I'll give the ads a miss, I'm not depressed there's no point. I'm going to drop dd's off and go to the gym and for a swim. Can't be lying in bed all day, think it makes me worse.

phew! was a bit worried i was going to get slaughtered for saying that!

i was prescribed antids as a teenager with undiagnosed ME (following horrendous glandular fever) and in the midst of several bereavements on the trot and some traumatic experiences. ads were not what i needed - rest and support were. i'm afraid i spend my life wondering whether the subsequent 'need' for ads and mental health cycling were a result of taking these drugs when i was young. whilst some people can seem to take ads and come off without any problems there are those of us who can't and find every time we try to stop it creates a massive crash and wraith of issues so i'm wary of people who've never taken them, taking them unless they really are dealing with full on clinical depression that has been prolonged. these are drugs that act on your brain so more serious really than our pop a pill culture would suggest.

to me LNM you seem a massively resourceful person who is handling this very well. feeling upset, stressed, down and having sleep problems etc is not illness in this case to my mind: it's totally normal.

after reading Swalloweds post I do agree. And going to the gym/swimming, doing any exercise will release happy hormones - naturally.

All the emotions you are feeling are completely normal and really they shouldnt be suppressed by a tablet.

So, I also take back my earlier post about taking them. I just want you to feel better too.

You sound more 'up' today LNM. I hope you enjoy your visit to the gym & swim. I think you'll feel better after that too. Good on you for resisting him. I'd love to know what he thinks he can say to make you change your mind, he's clearly underestimated you on every level possible. Have a good day

If you can survive without AD's then do, no one wants to have that dependency, you can get medication if like me you feel your tummy knots up, you can take those when you need them.

If you have strength to get up and do things, then i respect you a great deal, be proud that you can.

I like EllenM

That is ace that you are planning to meet up with someone this weekend. Really good luck with managing to do it - have you got in contact to arrange something? I think that once you've done it once it will get easier, even if it is really really hard this time.

You do sound brighter today If you can use exercise to lift your mood, that is much better than meds. Exercise is really good at regulating mood and sleep, and knowing you are getting out and doing something is always going to make you feel better than staying in bed.

If you can cope without ADs, ace - but they are there if you need them, no shame in that. I'd steer clear of Valium / benzos, they are very physically and psychologically habit forming, even if you don't get properly addicted.

another long term MH sufferer here in favour of giving it time. I have been through a lot of therapy and a lot of depressives have in theirr depression undealt with loss - i.e. they haven't grieved properly for the loss of someone (death, divorce etc). AD's won't help with this at the moment. You are doing incredibly well - I've been following this thread. Exercise is really good for lifting the mood. I find that staying in bed is a recipe for disaster for me - I have to get out and do things or I get worse. good luck

I've had a good day so far. Been for a swim, gym and tidied up, house is spotless. Nice bit of eye candy at the gym too.