Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last train to Loserville Part 2

999 replies

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 21:55

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

OP posts:
cjel · 15/04/2013 20:31

mummy, How sad you having to live like this. Have you got someone you can share this with in RL? It may help you to make choices that you feel happy with? Are you getting support to try and rebuild you marriage or are you carrying on as if nothing has happened? Is he giving you more reason to not trust?

MummyIsMagic79 · 15/04/2013 20:40

I have wonderful support, cjel. My friends and family have been rocks.

H is doing everything he can. He has done Relate, Shirley Glass, transparency of fucking bastard Facebook, phones, emails. He is more of a hands on husband than ever before. He was always a hands on father and still is. He has answered very question I have put to him, no matter how painful or graphic. Usually with patience, and on the odd occasion it has made him angry or frustrated he has still answered.

I just struggle with the level of deceit and I am scared it will never be the same.

cjel · 15/04/2013 20:44

Trouble is it really rocks your world doesn't it.? I'm glad you have all that support. I hope it changes for you. I have heard of people who have fantastic marriages after, Most people have said to me that you need to not live together for a while, but as it is a private thing I suppose a lot of us don't know what really worked or didn't. Sending you love xx

MummyIsMagic79 · 15/04/2013 20:47

Thank you. :)

skyebluesapphire · 15/04/2013 20:49

That's the sadness of it isn't it, that you still live the man that he was. I would give anything to have my life back as it was before, but I don't want back the man he is now.

It is so difficult, but once the trust has gone it is so hard to get it back as MummyIs says and I really admire the people who try, as well as I admire the ones who don't. I don't know which path is the harder :(

I'm on another thread where a title for a self help book has been suggested - How to Spot a Wanker at 50 paces Grin.

CabbageLeaves · 15/04/2013 20:54

Mummy I too faced 'her' down at school every day. A shite few years :(

I hated her with an obsession. Whilst husbands are the ones who should take the blame...women who know you and do it are vile vile vile.

As regards loving them..yes I recognise that. It does die into a different safer emotion. I say safer because loving someone who treats you in a way which causes such grief is not safe.

CabbageLeaves · 15/04/2013 20:57

I stayed and suffered low level misery interspersed with a few happy times for many years hoping for a change in the balance of grief vs happy

I left and had an acute grieving time interspersed with happy moments. The happy times have become my normal however

cjel · 15/04/2013 21:02

I went through a time of blaming her. and I still have the feeling of a woman who took advantage of a vulnerable man, There are loads of things that still point to that, but it didn't make me want to stay and wait while things changed.It really doesn't alter the fact of what HE did to my Dcs and DGcs especially. Her XDH had done the same to her a year before.

CabbageLeaves · 15/04/2013 21:18

I think both the OW and my ex are just inadequate, weak people

Mrs have you got any news?

skyebluesapphire · 15/04/2013 21:23

It's unbelievable isnt it how these people can do it after it has been done to them.

The OW that my XH was texting, had been married before. She cheated on her first husband with the man who became H no 2, seeing him even before she married H number 1. I didnt respect her but figured that anyone can make a mistake and she seemed happy with H number 2. Now H number 2 simply won't believe that his best mate would do the dirty on him and that's that. Yet he knows that his wife is a cheater. You would think that little alarm bells would be ringing somewhere.

Another friend lost her H to a friend. The friends H walked out and her H was always round there helping her out with stuff. She discovered the affair by Facebook chat.

How did people use to have affairs before mobile phones and emails?! It escalates very quickly thanks to technology.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 15/04/2013 21:24

I know people who have been through the same mummyismagic79 it can work. I hope you find some peace and happiness.

I just know myself that the hurt that I feel, I couldn't do it again if we had stayed together. I would never be able to trust him and that would hurt me every single day :( I wish I could do it but it would break me. I know it would.

OP posts:
mrssmartarse · 15/04/2013 21:25

Awe mummyis that sounds awful Sad I too send hugs and Thanks x

He just called me and admitted he has been seeing someone for 18months Confused My youngest Dc are 20 months and 9 months. He wants to talk 2moro? Blush

Lnm how are you doing this? Sad Thanks Xx

themidwife · 15/04/2013 21:28

Oh Mrs that's awful. So sorry Thanks

skyebluesapphire · 15/04/2013 21:32

Mrs - what a bastard. So sorry for you. You have done the right thing by kicking him out, that is a huge betrayal.

LifeMovesOn · 15/04/2013 21:32

There will come a day when you don't even realise you don't love him any more.

Your emotions are all over the place because your grieving for what you HAD.

LNM and mrss, there is light at the end of the tunnel, just a bloody long train to get through first. But you will.

Sorry to hearing your tumble yesterday, LNM, you're almost as klutzy as me Blush Take care.

minkembra · 15/04/2013 21:33

MrsSad but do you want to talk?

Sending you hugs.

Loulybelle · 15/04/2013 21:36

Mrs, did he not immediately try to offer an explanation after knowing you saw the message, because i find when a man goes quietly, hes normally trying to work out what bullshit excuse your likely to believe.

cjel · 15/04/2013 21:36

Mrs. and Lnm My heart is aching hearing all this misery you are going through with little children, mine had grown but the dgs have been devastated.It staggers me how they can live these double lives, how can we be so blind to their lies to us? I can only say that the sense of hurt and the depth of it really does get less.I bet he does want to talk mrs. My fil had another woman and daughter for 45 years!!! Why do they think they are entitled to all this other life?

Fairenuff · 15/04/2013 22:03

MrsS if he says 18 months, prepare yourself for the fact that it may have been longer, or more than one ow Sad

I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk to him just yet, or do you want some time. You don't have to do what he says, you know x

mrssmartarse · 15/04/2013 22:13

I think I know what's coming been on the computer all night and have an itemised bill coming from his mobile so I can check how long the calls/texts have been going back and fourth, also went to his fakebook and he had changed the password stupid twunt didn't reset his email password though so I reset his login again if that makes sense! And I have read some very explicit msgs between him and my sister in law Confused guess I know what's coming tomorrow Blush it's his brothers wife FFS? How are Dc and Dns supposed to cope with this? They are in the same classes!

Lnm I'm gonna start a thread and stop hoarding yours with all this crap Sad ill still be here to support you xxxxxxxxxx

Loulybelle · 15/04/2013 22:19

Wow, Mrs, what a pair of giant arseholes, this isnt gonna be pretty, dont let him railroad you into believing nothing happened, because enough happened.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 15/04/2013 22:21

Ffs mrss, that is terrible. A double betrayal, totally sickened to hear that :( and his poor brother too. What a pair of arseholes..

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 15/04/2013 22:50

What a total bastard! Total and utter.

toffeelolly · 15/04/2013 23:42

So sorry mrss, what a total prick, doing this to his wife and brother. Sending you Thanks

CabbageLeaves · 16/04/2013 07:25

I'm speechless tbh. Flowers to you both

Is it work today LNM? How are you feeling concussion wise?

Swipe left for the next trending thread