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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last train to Loserville Part 2

999 replies

LoserNoMore · 07/04/2013 21:55

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 11/04/2013 22:18

Just wanted to let you know that I check in every day to see how you're doing. I don't post much but I'm walking with you too x

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 11/04/2013 22:40

thats good that you dont have him anywhere near your safe haven. (home)

Keep on keeping on, you are doing great.

mrssmartarse · 11/04/2013 23:16

Sweet dreams lnm, bring on 2moro, u r doing gr8 mrs Wink

Really admiring your strength & courage Smile xx

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 11/04/2013 23:36

Thank you, I really don't feel strong or courageous, weak and scared more like.

He has called and said he can't have the girls on Saturday, he has to work...sure. Before he told me this he kept asking what my plans were on sat, I told him none of his business then he said, sorry I've got to work at short notice. I'm just glad I didn't tell the girls the plan only for them to be let down.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 11/04/2013 23:51

I would just watch out about always covering for him re him not turning up. It isnt great having to deal with the fallout but it also isnt geat when they never see the lousy letting down part of dad and regard him as the faultless golden one (as he will generally come in and play fun Disney dad and then go)
my therapist told me to let my DD know the arrangements but always have a fun back up plan for when he let her down. Otherwise you are enabling his lousy behaviour rather than allowing your DDs to gradually make their own judgements based upon his actions.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 11/04/2013 23:59

God I'm so bad at this.

OP posts:
minkembra · 12/04/2013 00:17

Lnm you are so not bad at this.
And tbh who is good at going from a happy marriage one minute to finding out your h is a lying coniving spineless git.

He is using the kids to get at you. Which is controlling.

I know we tend to see monsters everywhere on mn sometimes but was there no indication before this that he was a bit self centred ? He seems to have gone from nought to twunty remarkably fast.

minkembra · 12/04/2013 00:19

in some ways it would be better uf he had always been a bit of a gitHmm

Hope he stops messing the kids around and starts acting like a parent.

lowercase · 12/04/2013 00:20

Bad at what?
You have been very, very good in the circs.
Keeping your side of things ultra clean and tidy.

I think he's playing games...or just can't be bothered?
Either way it is not good.
Every cloud though, you have discovered the truth, it's not pretty
But it's a firm foundation for you.

Sleep well

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/04/2013 00:27

Lowercase, bad at deciding what to do for the best. Nettletea makes sense about not lying to them but I thought trying to protect them from bring letdown was better. I don't know.

Minkembra, he wasn't perfect before this, he had his faults but I don't understand the total change in him either. I'm not sure if he really just doesn't care or what

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 12/04/2013 00:32

Anyway, I'm calling it a night, thanks again . Goodnight.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 12/04/2013 00:33

so he's seen them once in your house and that's it since all this? and now has now plans in place to see them after cancelling saturday? that is shocking and incredibly sad.

perhaps they can at least see their aunty or grandparents or someone else for the day on saturday?

themidwife · 12/04/2013 08:07

The total change in him is because he was caught & rather face the unpalatable truth of it all, ie you did nothing to deserve him shagging someone else, he would rather "hate" you & pretend you've treated him badly in some way so that he's the victim. "I was so lonely, loser neglected me, I had no choice but to seek comfort elsewhere, and then she threw me out OF MY OWN HOME, & stopped me seeing my kids!" You know the script!

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/04/2013 08:22

Yes, he has to look like the good guy so has to turn you into the nasty evil nagging wife who drove him away Hmm

piratecat · 12/04/2013 08:24

its the way they pass on the guilt. to us. never made sense to me for years that.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 12/04/2013 08:37

he is a prize prick for doing this. It is still all about him - and trying to control you.

Im so sorry he has let your girls down, but protecting them, although the motherly thing to do, isnt what they need.

Maybe contact him and say his girls are very disappointed not to see their Dad and aunt. That leaves the ball in his court.

imtheonlyone · 12/04/2013 08:40

Right well, at least the girls didn't know and they're not being let down. I would use this opportunity though to make it quite clear that when plans are put in place they need to be followered through. My partners ex is quite firm that when he is scheduled to see the kids that's it, there are no exceptions and if he can't pick them up etc then he needs to make arrangements to sort it out. Not sure I totally agree with all of that as my exH lives quite far away so when he cancels on me I have no choice but to step in. An email detailing how upset the girls are, how they were looking forward to seeing him and no matter what he feels towards you at the moment, he still has joint parental responsibility for the girls and they are desperate to spend some time with him. I would also say that it's time to make a contact arrangement so that you all know where you stand and the girls know when they are going to spend that promised time with their dad. Reiterate time and time again it's the girls he is letting down and himself, not you!

Dot say you're so bad at this - I'm four years into it and still feel like I'm rubbish at it too. Having to console upset kids who have been looking forward I seeing their dad is never easy. And knowing what to do for the best isn't easy either. There isn't a manual for any of this!! I'm lucky my boys are quite good at adapting to change in plans. My partners boys aren't, they get terribly upset. You do what you are happy with and what you think is best for your girls as only you know them best. I would though make it clear to him he is letting them down. An email to say just thy and that you want to set up regular contact.

Keep posting, plenty of advice on here! Stay strong! X

CabbageLeaves · 12/04/2013 08:41

What a total arse he is.

I went through a period of ex messing me around with the DC. He regarded me as 24/7 childcare and he dipped in and out when he fancied...whilst paying zero maintenance.

I think this is a form of control and he will do it to piss you off and try and make life difficult. It's a subtle way of saying life is going to be difficult....you should have accepted me back

Trying to be civilised about our split, I obliged this and felt helpless to refuse access or object to cancelled access.

It took a very confrontational time of me being much firmer before he changed

All access was then agreed in writing. It was agreed after negotiation and I refused to change my plans to oblige him. I felt I have had to fight back to ram my point home. If I didn't, he just took the piss time and time again. Sadly the consequence of this 'fight' affected everyone incl DC, but despite trying to avoid it ...he pushed and pushed relying on me not to let them be affected.

I bitterly regret him forcing me into it but don't regret doing it. It settled once he realised I wasn't going to be a push over and point was made. We now have a v civilised contact arrangement (he barely sees them but that's another story)

CabbageLeaves · 12/04/2013 08:45

My DC aren't stupid. I've never ever been rude about their dad to them but I've been factual. So your useless, selfish, uncaring arsehole waste of space father has decided to go to the pub with his girlfriend translated into..... Daddy is busy today so cannot see you after all

He now figures in their lives but they don't expect more than they get. His loss. They feel loved and cared for and not repeatedly disappointed

eccentrica · 12/04/2013 08:45

Another one delurking to say you are absolutely not bad at this. You are doing brilliantly and you are a fantastic mum to your girls. Trust me , they will know and remember and be thankful.

Xales · 12/04/2013 09:00

Can you put it in writing to him? 'Sorry you have had to change your plans and can't have the girls sat due to work? Would you like them after work or when would you next like to see them?'

At the moment be is doing it via calls so no proof he has changed plans and betcha he starts telling people you are stopping him.

Don't forget he is go smacked and doesn't think he has done anything wrong so you are being unreasonable.

This will be more of the same...

Xales · 12/04/2013 09:01

He slept around weird auto correct

LittleEsme · 12/04/2013 09:14

I totally agree with Cabbage - he's trying to make life difficult so that he can 'prove' it'll be just easier on everyone if you just take him back. It's just awful, awful that he's playing games with his DD's feelings like thisSadAngry

I know you will, but be sure to always NOT say what your plans are. Him pulling out like this is something he will do with regularity if he knows you're doing something for yourself. He really is an arse of the highest order.

You're doing fine LNM. MORE than fine. You're putting your DD's first. And you're coping. You really are.

LittleEsme · 12/04/2013 09:20

And I agree with Xales. Start (if you can) communication via email, or even texts. You need a trail so it can be presented calmly should he ever sink lower than what he has already.

I wish I lived closer to you LNM. I'd bring my girls and a big cake for you. Thanks

minkembra · 12/04/2013 09:21

You could try a line from coronation street
'you will always be dd and dd's dad, nothing will change that. it us up to you how good a dad they get'

I am saving this for my ex who is turning up reliably but gore as little time as possible to avoid me getting 'free childcare'. as cabbage says he is trying to teach me a lesson.

If he id going to play it that Ws he should at least be made to feel guilty and who knows it may just work.

This is doubly hurtful though. Obviously having OW means you cannot keep your w bury what has it got to do with the kids. mega twunt .

I would not mare it widespread knowledge but i would make sure his sister knows he changed plan. that way if he does not go to work she will see he is lying and will not believe him if he tries the she won't let me see the kids line. the same kids he had her phone you to beg to see.