Last train to Loserville Part 2

[LoserNoMore]

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

*WIFI is down! Damn predictive!! How bad did that make me sound xxx

I think he is doing it as another way to get to you. He may be trying to convince you that he's 'over you' and moving on. In the vain hope that it will inspire you to realise what a catch he is, and beg him to come home. Methinks he doth protest too much, and all that.

Yes. This. ^^^

You are so right NOT to go back on FB. It's pathetic and undignified, and that is his domain, not yours.

Sorry you're feeling so sad, it's been such a shock

LNM, I'm sorry that you're low tonight. This feeling won't last, I promise. You're going through the whole catalogue of emotions that are part and parcel of this kind of betrayal and this grief was bound to come at some poing. BUT IT WILL PASS.

In the meantime - get yourself onto Amazon. You'll be pleased to see the price!!! Then get skipping Woman!

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00AZJTHD2/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

You will feel happy again - trust me.

There's just a lot to get through before that stage.

Yep - ignore FB, it's a killer.

Your dignity will show that you are not guilty more than anything else. I split up with an EA ex and didn't try to fight my corner one bit. A lot of people believed him that I was a cow and a bitch, I must have cheated or why else would I leave him? But I remained dignified. The thing with liars is they start to believe their own ramblings and then begin embellishing to support the new truth they create. Others do notice this. A year after I split from him one of his friend (who was never really my friend) came up to me in a pub one night and apologised, he said everyone had seen the story progress and me be consistently demonised and put into ever ridiculous situations about how I was supposed to have behaved. You may be seen as guilty by those who don't matter in the short term but longer term things do have a tendency to correct themselves.

It has only been a week since your world imploded, a week ago you thought you were in a strong relationship and secure and happy. Now you realise you don't even know him. It will take time for you to feel secure again but it will come. Time truly is the only healer.

I think maybe the initial anger has subsided and you are feeling the sadness and bereavement of what you thought you had. Your husband was not the man you thought he was, you know that but you still need to grieve. But life does get better, it always feels like it never will when you are in the depths but it sneaks up on you that a brighter better life is there and that you have survived and become more than you thought possible.

Take care of yourself, eat, get yourself up and about, do wonderful activities with your girls and start building little goals for you. Positive goals can be as small as learning to bake a cake or a cooking a new dish, or they can be huge things like climbing Kilimanjaro or learning to parallel park. Give yourself a list of things to do for you aim to build you and develop you every day.

You are a strong woman and you are going to come out of this happier than ever with the true life you deserve and with someone who truly loves and respects you. No matter what happens in his life he will never have that comfort, he will always have at the back of his mind what he would have had if he wasn't such a selfish git.

I'm sure you don't feel strong at the moment but you truly are. I can only hope that if I was placed in your situation I could act with such dignity and grace.

Take care and I hope you get a good nights sleep, the world will begin to seem brighter again soon.

Ooh mrssmartarse I was all agog for a minute there!

LNM this is a horrible horrible time. I'm so so sorry you are going through it. Sadly it has to be gone through one way or another. It does end though. It really does.

There are ways to make it end quicker. What worked for me: Cut out anything in your life that doesn't give to yours. My job paid for a house. I kept it. My friends...some gave me support. They stayed. My DC I found far more patience and time for - it was as if I'd been released from coping with a bigger family so my focus was them. Instead of feeling sorry for others I felt quite hard and cold but that was because I needed rather than could given. Recognise that and nurture yourself. Don't feel obliged. Don't feel responsible. You and the DC are all that matter. Communication, contact...memories of ex ...all painful, upsetting, destroying etc. I persevered feeling it was the key to never standing and making sense of it all. I started healing when I decided there was no fathoming the actions and started pushing a boundary around myself further and further back. I diverted emails, ignored texts, refused phone calls and avoided face to face. It was the biggest help. Minimal contact. Only what I needed.

Do what is right for you

Never standing = understanding. (Freudian type slip maybe)

Hello again LNM,
Cabbage is right, everytime you talk to him ( other than essential communication) or look at FB, or go back into the past you feed the pain and it grows.

Look at fb = compromises my peace
Story with girls = peace increase
Work = essential duty

Check your actions by if they will feed or starve the pain, and act accordingly.

I know everyone keeps saying it, but you are doing so, so well.

For years I rang my ex, howling down the phone, all hours of the night!!
I only started getting better, when I stopped feeding into the pain ( self pity, justified anger etc. ) not suggesting you are doing this btw!
Just sharing what moved me on years in a matter of weeks.

I really believe what you are doing is the easiest way to get through.
Being true to yourself and your children.
All power to you.

He has turned to facebook to process the breakup? He has the emotional resources of a 15 year old. You on the other hand are evidently a thoughtful, loving, responsible adult.

just a quick good morning. hope you got some sleep.

the emotions have to get out really. yes it's good to distract and get on with life etc but there needs to be a bit of room for the emotion imo otherwise it just gets stuck in there festering. may not be your cup of tea but i know some good guided meditations that allow you to safely 'feel' and release stuff. can send links if of interest.

grief work is best described by the 'dual processing' model imo - you need to do the emotional grieving AND you need to do the getting on with life, forgetting for periods and moving forwards stuff. stray to far into either at the expense of the other and you get into a mess. it's about balancing the two.

the other thing i've heard about grief during training was this idea that the hole that is created doesn't actually shrink, it stays the same size. but your life grows bigger around it so that in relative terms it seems smaller. your life will grow so much in the future. this will always be a hurt but as your life gets bigger and 'more' your perspective on this will change.

I have lurked on this story from the start of your first thread - I never normally pop directly onto threads of the relationship kind as its all very fraught and awful for the most part. Makes me sad to see how some human beings can behave towards other human beings and the devastating heartache that ensues - I have come on this morning though to say op We can't control what others do but we can control our actions to their actions - its something I have taught my children after my Nan taught me and I applaud you for your strength of character thus far. You are a shining example to your daughters and to others who might be lurking, reading while going through similar scenarios.
I only hope that should I face adversary of this nature and/or my daughters do, we have the sense of self to handle ourselves as you have handled yourself.
Hold up your head high. You are justified in doing so and let no other person make you drop it lower.
By the way - a second round of applause for the fence fixing of last week and the tramp bouncing - I need a bloody pampers if I as much as want to look at our tramp...
I wish you all the very best as you go forward.
x

swallowedAfly that's really interesting and explains things v well. I get the feeling that, in time to come, LNM has a lot of growing to do. A person with that much integrity and resolve won't be down forever.

Hang onto that thought LNM. Please do.

on the trampoline front believe it or not if you keep doing it the problem resolves - honest! when i first got ds's trampoline last summer i had the theory that as it's great exercise i'd do 20mins a day - first attempt was disastrous on the front we've been discussing - next time i was all padded up but it wasn't actually as bad and i think the third time it was fine actually.

so maybe whilst it initially stresses those muscles it then brings them back to life.

and did we ever get the skipping rope link???

must go back on the trampoline this summer - it is meant to be seriously good for your lymphatic system as well as fat burning and all over toning.

esme - yes i like the hole and growing around it analogy. if i think back to and allow myself to wade into old griefs they are actually still there the same size as ever but my life really has grown bigger around them in such a way that i have to go looking for them iyswim apart from the very rare trigger that throws you back.

I have a trampoline but never considered using it for me! I might have a go this weekend.

SaF - I like those ideas around grief. I cycled through highs and lows but the lows got easier. I think this is like the dual theory where I rocketed back and forth between the two situations of grief and moving on.
I'd still say family break up is a gaping hole in my life. It was a gaping hole when I was married but we tried to ignore its existence to stay married. I have now built a new life, really full and filled with so many things that the hole is just a pothole. It does still exist though.

Tonight is the first time I actually feel unbelievably heartbroken. I've cried non stop for 2 hours. Just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I'll ever feel totally happy again. He's wrecked me, truly.

Oh sweetheart, that is grief! Such a gentle little word 'grief', yet it's a monster of a thing, and it truly does leave you feel physically broken. Even worse the grief that accompanies a betrayal of this magnitude can feel, in some ways, even harder than the grief that follows a death. He wasn't taken, he went. Still there in some sort of parallel universe, that you are not part of.

I am so sorry. I so wish that you didn't have to go through this, but the truth is you do and, just sometimes, it will get almost unbearable. There are things that help and gradually, over time, you will find the things that really make a difference for you.

I don't know why 'we' have to go through this. Maybe if 'we' don't, then we cannot properly heal.

I hope you slept, and that you are safely at work and that work is okay. Thinking of you.

A wise woman on here Autumn said to me that "Grief is the price you pay for love" and it is very true. I have truly grieved for the past 12 months as if he had died. When something happens so suddenly , it does cause shock and grief.

You are grieving for the end of your relationship and for the future that you thought you had ahead of you. But as people keep telling me, you still have a future, but it is now new and exciting...... it just takes a while to sink in.

Another person said its like going on a bear hunt - you can't go over it, you cant go under it, you just have to go through it....

my counsellor said that tears are good as they are the release valve...

((hugs to you)) you have been doing so well and this is just part of the rollercoaster sadly

morning LNM - as others have said, grief is what you are feeling, and having a good cry is a release I feel.

Today is a new day - hope work is ok, hope the girls are ok, holidays are nearly over and 'reality' begins next week.

As for his fb status - its just a big front, to garner sympathy and make him feel better. he's an arse.

You are fab.

You know, you've come a huge way in a week. Enjoy the release crying gives you, you are a human being, you have feelings. Don't expect yourself to get through this mechanically.

FWIW, my Mum left my Dad for someone else & many years later he lost his long-term partner to cancer. He has always said that being bereaved was 'easier' to cope with as there was no anger or bitterness there. Having said that, I do feel the two situations have similarities - look on this as a bereavement and take it step by step, day by day. Give yourself a break - you are a star!

I was lucky in that my ex went no contact once the divorce was in process (his OW now wife has insisted on it - so I understand), and we have very little contact at all these days (children older). I quite deliberately think of the person I was in love with as dead. this has allowed me to grieve for the lost relationship - but also to talk about him to the dcs, friends and family, with kindness rather than anger. Above all I have detached.

Being able to do that means that our children can talk to me about their distress without worrying that it will trigger mine - it means I have kept a fantastic relationship with members of his family (that I see and he doesn't).

You will have to follow the grieving process that is right for you - but if you can manage to detach then you will not emotionally be at the mercy of anything he ever does. The opposite of love is not hate, it's detachment. I feel sorry for my exH when I hear about bad things that have happened to him (eg a recent illness) but no more so than I would feel for an old colleague that I used to work with. I certainly don't rejoice in any of the bad things because that would be him controlling my emotions - and he doesn't

Thanks to you all, you are a wise lot. I'm ok, having my lunch break, felt like making a run for freedom when I first arrived this morning. My little crying session has left me drained today. I finish at 4pm today and off until Monday so that's a bonus.

I know I need to deal with these feelings of sadness but its so much easier if I keep busy and don't have to hear what he's up to or texts from people asking what happened. Made it seem real which I suppose I needed. I know I can't keep hiding away from the world though.

And :O at 10p for the skipping rope, that made my day I shall be ordering one tonight.

Lnm, I recently deactivated from fb because of not wanting to see my exs stuff amongst other things, and I'm four years on. Wobbles are normal. Honest. But it does get easier.

LNM you will feel happy again, unfortunately at this minute you wont,
time is a great healer.

The facebook thing I think he is just trying to wind you up. Its good you have deleted your account.

You be proud of yourself, going to work, looking after your girls, not to mention the house work its no easy feat when your distraught.

So many people on this thread have been where you are now came through it and never looked back.

Take care and try to eat to keep your energy up. xx

Hi, from a secret supporter... I feel wrong continuing to read your thread without saying I am walking through this ordeal with you, wishing you well.

not long to go until work is finished - until next week. I can understand you wanting to keep busy, thats my way too. Be kind to yourself, get that skipping rope and a huge bar of chocolate too.
have a wee hug.

These painful feelings need to be taken out every so often and given a little airing. Each time you do it, a little bit of the hurt and anger will disappear into the atmosphere. The rest goes back in the box until you're ready to have another go.

It's too hard to face it all at once, so it's good to keep busy. I think Saf's meditation programmes are about mindfullness (aren't they saf?) which is a really good way to fill your mind when you're not ready to face those feelings. Especially in the wee hours when everything can seem so bleak.

Processing those feelings in a safe environment, a little bit at a time helps to stop you becoming too overwhelmed. You will feel shattered. It is exhausting.

Think of it as a long journey, over some tough terrain. Sometimes you will need to rest. Other times you will be full of energy, ready to push on. You might feel like you will never get there. You might give up, sit down and bawl your eyes out. Then again, you might look back and see how far you have come already. You might look ahead at the well worn path and be reassured that others have walked that way. You might gain strength from that. You may blaize a trail for others to follow. At times you might even surprise yourself and enjoy your journey.

Whatever happens, your journey will be yours. It will be your pace and, however winding, it will lead you to your future. And you will be able to look back and say, "I did that".

Personally, I do believe in things happening for a reason.