Last train to Loserville Part 2

[LoserNoMore]

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

Re the house. If you can't stand it a mess, set yourself small goals each day, or even each hour if you like. Get the girls to help, even when mine were very little I used to get everyone to pick up five things and put them away.

Children can sort washing, load the machine, pair socks, put clothes away, wash dishes, hoover, wipe surfaces with a damp cloth, put their toys away, put shopping away and all sorts of other small jobs. Make it fun, put some music on and be jolly about it. Even the littlest can help, it's good for them to learn and they do actually enjoy it.

You can concentrate on the jobs they can't do yet like ironing or using bleach, making phone calls or even filing if you get that far!

Well done on facing your first day back at work. It's always the worst one even for people who love their jobs x

i think i buy fruit and veg purely to watch it decompose and have to hold it at arms length to transport it to the bin half the time.

well done on first day back at work. things will start shifting. get through the split a bit and the right job will appear. it's almost like once you start moving forward and once you're brave enough to let go of things new things can appear and your hands are free to grasp them.

sorry if that's a bit cliche.

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this but as you aren't married or co-mortgaged you can officially financially seperate from him too. We did it with Dh's ex.

There are three main credit agencies in the uk afaik, you contact them and ask for the relevant form, send it in and it means that if he gets into trouble financially it doesn't affect your credit rating too.

You just need to close any joint financial commitments such as bank accounts and credit cards. It served us well as Dh's ex went and got into debt and had to go bankrupt.

I think they are married fluffy - correct me if I'm wrong LNM

Yes married since 20 years old

I second whoever suggested sitting on permanent changes to work etc. by all means create 'space' time etc. but keep options open until you have taken legal advice.

Hope the Loser stays lost tonight

Oh bugger, sorry op. Still, look into it, we know couples who have divorced and the husbands lawyers have advised them to get into debt to avoid paying the wife as much.

Shameful advice though.

Yeah as midwife99 says, we are married. All sorted with Tax credits, also with council tax and have forms to fill in to see if I'm entitled to help with rent. Lost the will to live saying 'I'm no longer with my husband, he's moved out' so many bloody times.

Anyway that's done, CSA tomorrow and lawyer. Housework all done too so accomplished quite a bit despite starting off the day a total wreck.

In Loser News, according to my friend he has changed his status on FB to single. He must be totally gutted eh, couldn't wait to get that out there. DICK! Apparently there are lots of 'wtf' and 'omg' comments. Thank god I deactivated my account the other day. Still a bit gutting to hear though. Bastard! I've had a few texts since from some friends asking what happened. Just turned my phone off. :(

09.04.13 "man who can't be moved"
10.04.13 "single"

If you login to your fb account it will re-activate it.

Phones can be a mixed blessing, it can be nice to be un-contactable sometimes.

Stay strong LNM, you're doing brilliantly and we are all by your side.
He is a dick, and showing his true colours more and more clearly by the day, while you remain dignified and awesome. Hang in there. X

Fluffy, I know. I'm not sure what he's playing at. Maybe it's sank in that he is single. I don't even want to go on FB. Too many people just being nosey.

Thanks pyro.

The "single" status thing is just to get tea and sympathy. Can you keep an eye on any comments just to check your name is not being "blackened", so to speak.

Going back to his "so I'm the bad guy" comment he made earlier, he sound as if he is in a bit of denial about the whole thing, and suspect he's telling little porkies to all who'll listen about what happened....with the general emphasis being "poor little me, see what she's done to me?"

But carry on doing what you've been doing...rise above, and if necessary, correct any factual inaccuracies.....!

Wouldn't worry if your name is being'blackened' I always felt that the truth is known to the people who matter to me. The people he told that it had been 'hard for him living with my depression' weren't told of the rape and violence that made me depressed, but I have too much living to do to bother about the gossip. The truth always comes out and the way I live compared to the way he lives speaks volumes and it will be the same for you.xxx

Wow LNM what a productive day! Well done you! Be proud of what you have achieved today!
Don't beat yourself up over his fb status - total sympathy seeker going on there!! What a total loser! How sad to feel the need to put it out there in such a public way. You are so above all that. The truth will out in the end so I wouldn't worry about what people are thinking. He has yet again left me gobsmacked at his behaviour - goodness knows how you just be feeling. Keep your dignity, I am so in awe of you x

I agree with PoppadomPreach it is likely a poor me ploy for sympathy. Especially if he knows you haven't told many people he will be trying to get his side of the story out first.

Personally I would start telling people, activate your facebook again, post a message on your wall which he won't be able to delete, first remove anyone from your friends list that you don't want to see the message so it is just mutual friend. State you apologise for putting it out in public but you wanted people to know what was happening as it is still to raw to discuss personally, then make it clear that you have ended the relationship as you found out that he had been having sex behind your back and he had finally admitted it. Keep it dignified and not abusive and state that you are focussing on your family and making sure your girls are OK and ask people to leave you to get on with it whilst you rebuild your lives from this revelation.

I say that you should make it clear as if he gets his story out too quick he can twist it when you try and state your side. He'll say you made it up, you twisted things or even that you cheated. Don't swear and don't respond beyond your initial response at all, once a few days have past deactivate your facebook again.

YOU'RE AMAZING BY THE WAY.

Personally, I would stay away from fb completely. Let him tell people what he wants. He will in rl anyway, so 'point scoring' on fb is, well... pointless imo.

I think he is doing it as another way to get to you. He may be trying to convince you that he's 'over you' and moving on. In the vain hope that it will inspire you to realise what a catch he is, and beg him to come home. Methinks he doth protest too much, and all that.

As with the silly text messages, ignorant song analagies and false promises, ignore, ignore, ignore.

And then ignore some more.

He is playing games like the silly little boy he is.

However, now it's 'out there' people might start to question you. Be prepared for that. Maybe have an answer ready when they ask. Just tell them as much as you want them to know. I would probably say something like, yes, he cheated on me so I ended it. But it's up to you what you feel comfortable with.

Fancy getting the house sorted today! Well done, you're doing fab x

I just said 'Yes its a shame he got a gf, but she has done me a favour'!!!!

I'm not going back on FB. Keeping quiet though its going to look like I'm the guilty party.

Tonight is the first time I actually feel unbelievably heartbroken. I've cried non stop for 2 hours. Just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I'll ever feel totally happy again. He's wrecked me, truly.,

Thank you for all the support, I mean it.

You will feel happy again

He has not wrecked you. You're grieving. It will end

I remember feeling like you do. It seemed, hopeless, endless and my life was wasted

I'm now happy, confident, loved by my children and family, have great supportive friends. It seemed unbelievable when people told me the same.

You and your DC will be happy again

I used to call those my wobbly times. They are horrid and exhausting, My pain in my chest was physical it was so painful. It does feel as though it will never feel better it is so deep. I am 18month on and I can honestly say I have felt peace and solid contentment for a long time. The way the eyes swell and the nose is huge and red isn't fair either. I wished I was one of those people who cried without all the blotchy redness. I felt better but looked crap for hours after.You really really really will feel better. Try and give in to sleep if you can, the morning will seem a bit more bearable.xx

LNM crying is good. Allow yourself to grieve. And (I'm sure you don't need us to tell you) it will hurt for a long time probably, but one day you will wake up and realise that the worst of the pain has passed.

I'm so sorry you feel so upset. I would be beside myself if this had happened to me. It is such early days, it has all happened in the space of a few days. We all still think you're fantastic.

Let it out LNM - tomorrow is another day. All normal feelings - easy to say but it will get better, promise xxx

You will feel totally happy again. Hang on to that, as it is a fact.

Well done for such a productive day. You really are an amazing woman.

Prepare a short, to-the-point statement in response to people's questions. "He cheated on me so I ended it. I don't want to say any more." something like that. Practise saying it out loud, so it doesn't take you by surprise the first few times you actually use it.

Would you consider buying a new sim and letting the people you want or need to stay in touch with know the number? That way, twunt texts or contact from gossips won't take you by surprise. You can put the current sim back in the phone once a week, or in the middle of the night, whenever it suits you. You would have to let twunt know that you will only be looking at texts etc once a week, and only want communication about contact with the children.

You can make a new subfolder in your inbox too, and divert all his emails into that so you only need to look at them once in a while.

Do you have someone you trust who could look at emails and txts for you once a week? Act as a human filter, just at first at any rate?

I'm truly sorry you're feeling so sad now. It does get easier. I don't know if that MN mantra might help: "This too shall pass"? Hope your activity today at least helps you sleep tonight. Thinking of you, LNM.

Oh lnm my wifes was down, so o couldn't reply earlier, been thinking of you all day, I honestly don't know where this eejit bastard gets off! I'm sick to my tummy right now remembering the facebook status change and the night I had wondering where he was and who with and trying to comprehend everything all at once

Everyone will tell you times a great healer, and it is, just doesn't help much right now

U sound like work is gonna be the straw that broke the proverbial, hunny? If clients are doing your tits in on the phone and your boss is away anyway, put the phone down take 10 seconds to regroup call them back and apologise for dodgy connection or some other bull and just give yourself a break!

You are doing everything with dignity and grace, fuck him and his shitty fakebook the ppl you give a shit about already know the truth.

Sorry for the long post, sending you and a bucket load of

P.s hope the wee ones feeling better xxx