Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

[ArcaneAsylum]

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

Hedley, I'm not sure I follow your logic.

Yes, the running of the CSA is funded by tax payers, including you and me! But surely it is better for both parents to be held responsible for the financial support of their child, than to have state support? Obviously in this case the OP is clearly competent and able to support a child by herself, but the money can always be put aside for the future to pay towards university fees or housing when they are independent. Having financial contributions from both parents, based on what they can afford, surely limits the possibility that the child will need state-funded support either now or in future?

As you say, neither parent planned for this situation.

I think that Option 4, which you don't mention, is... both parents accept that they conceived by accident and now have to behave responsibly and put the child first. Both pay towards its upkeep, voluntarily, avoiding the need for any intervention from the CSA. It seems to me that the OP is holding up her end of this admirably. Let's hope the father behaves equally well and decides that he's morally responsible for financially supporting his child without having to be forced to.

gottogetup, men have plenty of time to consider the possibility of having a vasectomy if they feel strongly that they don't want to risk the possibility of making babies. Like a termination, it's a physically invasive procedure that can be painful and unpleasant, but which lets the individual have control of their fertility.

It is simply that this happens earlier in the process, while the sperm is still in the chap.

Two people having sex without contraception is quite clearly a joint decision unless it's rape. Both people have every opportunity to consider it and discuss it beforehand.

I'd remind people to read the OP's posts. She was pressured into unprotected sex, but made her views about contraception clear. The man has no excuse at all.

The man is responsible for this pregnancy and should pay support for his child.

The man has no excuse at all.

Absolutely. And yet, the apologists keep on coming...

Anon.....so the man has to have a vasectomy (of which a reversal most often is not successful), choosing to NEVER have any children for the whole of his life. And that is his part in the 'joint decision'. hmm

AnonToSpareBlushes2

Yes, sorry. There is a forth option as you said.

Also have to say your post is the very well put and has raised questions that I had previously dismissed. Other posters seem to be much more militant

I'm still with the attitude that he wants one thing, she wants another and because the tax payer will back her up with her decision, she has the power to make whatever decision that they both found themselves in through duel irresponsibility.

I do hope he has fair access to this child without her colouring its views on him as he will be expected to support the child.

Very sad

gottogetup, every abortion carries the slight risk of permanent infertility for the woman. So that's always a serious consideration for a woman too.

Obviously a vasectomy is not for everyone, but certainly men who feel strongly that they never want to risk having or supporting a child should consider it seriously!

A condom is a great second choice though it does come with a slight risk of failure. Effectiveness percentages are easily found through a bit of research on Google. There is plenty of opportunity for everyone to research contraception and take charge of their own fertility.

I'm highly in favour of funding for more effective male contraception, as currently the burden of contraception rests mostly with the woman, and hormonal contraception can carry risks and side effects (OP, sorry for going off topic here!).

AnonToSpareBlushes2

However I don't agree with the vasectomy post. Could argue the same with hysterectomy which is ridiculous

Hedley, absolutely - a hysterectomy is a good option for women to consider if they know they never want to have children. I have friends who have had them (specifically in order to avoid the possibility of conceiving) and have been very happy with the outcome.

If both partners know that they never want children, though, it would make more sense for the man to have a vasectomy as it is a less serious operation and possible to reverse (50% reversal success rate within ten years) which is not the case for a hysterectomy.

Neither choice is for everyone. I certainly would never consider it because I know I want children. But if a man feels very strongly about wanting to avoid children altogether, a vasectomy could be a good option.

Eh, we can't agree on everything but it is fun to discuss

Aye, I think we all agree whatever happens we wish them all the best in the world

Hedley and Growup are two very good examples of men who don't actually think through what happens when people have sex. Porn has clearly told them that bumping uglies is something of a hobby with no strings... If men like these two are what the country is made from it is no wonder CSA struggles to get any money for children they run about creating on a whim. THAT is why it is struggling financially, because men refuse to face up to their responsibility as a parent.

Er... I've 4 kids all paid for by me (60 hour week) and my partner (part time). I also pay around £1.6k in tax and national insurance each month to help prob up the CSA

Who are you to say such a thing about me?

Prob = prop

Your attitude that men should just walk away and run off into the sunset is a bit rich for someone who knows what it involves. You are happy to pay taxes for men who run off after being so reckless and blame it all on the woman for keeping the baby? Really?
I hope you are an avid supporter of women's rights for abortion and weren't one of the men banging on about how this country has gone to the dogs because women can't keep their legs crossed.

He seems tow ant proof that it is his baby, which can be easily done with testing. However, morally, I believe that if you want financial support he should have rights to the baby. Even if he is a creep. if he is abusive- that is a different thing and you have to figure that out. good luck, not an easy one.

have a couple of comments

1. if he didn't want a child he should have used protection

2. the fact that you were sick 'in a bucket' on NYE makes me think that you must be middle class, as i usually just barf in the road whilst clinging to a lampost crying

3. You're moving. great. Change your phone number. and don't contact this utter dip shit.

Well I think that makes your attitude even worse then hedley. You know what they need and the sacrifices that children require but advocate the stance that you have expressed on this thread.

hedley are any of your four children daughters? Are you going to say the same to them if they come to you pregnant and upset saying that the father won't support the child financially or otherwise?

You know, since this man basically browbeat the OP into having unprotected sex with him I really have no sympathy for him. He's a grown man. He can cope. And he is apparently buggering off to Libya anyway, which I presume has no reciprocal arrangement with the CSA.

I'm also really disgusted by the way the thread has been hijacked by posters with an axe to grind. Give it a rest, please. It's not about your agenda. I really hope the OP hasn't been reading this thread since her last post.

You mean some men & women have different opinions to yours?

"How dare you offer advice other than what the OP wants to hear!" It's a public forum. Grow up

Oh you can offer up your 'advice' but be prepared to be called on it when you are perpetuating the bullshit idea that men shouldn't have to be responsibility for their own fertility and any children they have.