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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

315 replies

ArcaneAsylum · 07/04/2013 12:45

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

OP posts:
WouldBeHarrietVane · 11/04/2013 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ATouchOfStuffing · 11/04/2013 13:24

Good luck Arcane. As I said if you want any other advice or just a chat you can always PM me. I remember getting similar nasties pop up and feeling terrible for weeks when I was pg - seemingly mainly because I had dared to keep the baby - and I remember how it made me feel. It's horrible when you are low and alone and facing the biggest challenge of your life. In hindsight I would say MN is full of various people. Unfortunately there are always a few who pop by and post carelessly and seemingly without any sympathy at all. Try not to judge all of us because a few people haven't tried to see how you feel or why you made a decision. :)
You know you can do this. Keep strong and just remember that just because other people wouldn't have done what you do, doesn't make their way better. Agree that Lone Parents is a good place to look if you want to come back again (believe me so many things go through your mind you will be glad of the support - again, ignoring any nasties) so I hope you can use it to it's full potential. I had pg insomnia and found myself reading and posting about all sorts. Quite an eye opener, some of it!

perfectstorm · 11/04/2013 13:35

People on here can not know what your reaction will be and are not responsible for your feeling suicidal.

A person who doesn't know nasty, spiteful and extremely personal comments on someone in a vulnerable situation will hurt the person they are aiming that behaviour at has no business whatsoever having children. Someone with that little understanding of basic human emotions is not capable of nurturing anyone, and I shudder to imagine the emotional havoc they might unleash on the poor little scraps entrusted to their care.

I am assuming the women choosing to be that unpleasant are not sociopaths without empathetic capacity, and choose not to behave that way in their day to day, real life interactions. Therefore one can assume they know saying hurtful things can hurt people - and are choosing intentionally to do so online. Making the reaction entirely predictable, and their posting choices their own responsibility.

Please do explain where that logic escapes you. Hmm

Sanctimumious · 11/04/2013 13:36

Yeah, different circs, but will never forget how it felt, to realise I was facing the next two decades of parenting as a single parent and to have received nothing but criticism and judgement online.

Good luck to you. As somebody said upthread, you have wit and you have grit! I think you've been gracious in the line of fire, although fair play to mumcentreplus for apologising. Not everybody can cough up the word sorry!

If you come back, definitely post in lone parents, I've never received any criticism or judgement there.

perfectstorm · 11/04/2013 13:42

Yeah, I also think mumcentreplus was great to apologise. Nobody else has shown that sort of grace.

Arcane honestly, Mumsnet can be amazing when things are hard. It's been a horrible thread, this one. It's not typical and I could link you to a dozen others that are amazingly supportive, often in situations where the OP was scared she would be judged (post-natal depression and failure to bond, for example). I'm so sorry you had to cope with the sort of nonsense you have on here, when all you wanted was some support and some genuinely helpful opinions on moving forward.

wispa31 · 11/04/2013 18:48

hi
not read all of thread but just chipping in re CSA. if you can afford not to, dont. im ashamed to say i work in CSA. you do not want the shit and hassle and disappointment that comes with it. im probably far too late in the day saying any of this as probably all been said anyway.
if i was to end up in a similar situ i wouldnt use CSA.
i hear this all the time on the phone 'he/she refusing to pay, etc. makes my blood boil at the attitude of those pricks who unfortunately decided to fuck off their children. depresses me no end. i really need to get another job.

themidwife · 11/04/2013 19:06

My ex still owes me £2k from CSA payments from when my DCs were younger. CSA don't even reply to my emails about it!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/04/2013 23:22

The CSA wrote off some of the money I was owed, no idea why and think it's a bloody cheek seeing as he only paid probably 14 payments in 14 years!

Agree with wispa it's not worth the stress, anger and frustration, my ex just went self employed every time they got hold of him

wispa31 · 12/04/2013 00:00

the midwife
even if your dc no longer qualify for child support any outstanding money still unpaid can still be pursued, if you want it that is. if emails arent getting a response id suggest writing to your mp (again if you want to pursue the matter. end of day its a matter of principle.)

moomins - your arrears shouldnt have been written off if you didnt want it. id query it.
dont even get me started on s/e nrps. they are the worst. esp the company directors. too many ways for them to get around things. a friend of mine ended up pregnant after a casual encounter. his parents were 'society folk' very well to do and loaded, they tried to get her to terminate by offering her money. she didnt. she opened a case with CSA and and any assets/shares/anything to do with family estate/business in his name were suddenly signed over to other family members and he went on the dole. bastard.

HedleyLammarr · 12/04/2013 00:12

As a man I'm shocked at the selfishness of the OP

I think squeaky has hit the nail on the proverbial head

WouldBeHarrietVane · 12/04/2013 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HedleyLammarr · 12/04/2013 00:23

(Quote)poppylemons Sun 07-Apr-13 22:36:02
I will get flamed for this, but -

You have sex with each other with/without contraception, who knows. You are pregnant, he makes it clear from the beginning he is totally against it. You decide to proceed with the pregnancy, he has no choice though he has made it clear to you it is not what he wants.
Now you are going to go through the CSA and get maintenance from him for the next 18 odd years.

This happens all too often and even if he is a dick, I feel for him. It IS a kind of theft in a way.

Have some pride and bring up the child you wanted without going through the CSA. You said yourself you can afford it. I can see why he is angry enough to resort to calling you 'sperm thief'. (Quote/)

The attitude of 95% of the posters is staggering. All men should read this. The above quote is correct.

5madthings · 12/04/2013 00:32

Bollocks hedley a man can choose to control his fertility, he can have a vasectomy, use a condom or just not have sex!!! If he chooses to have sex with no contraception he is risking a pregnancy and even if he uses a condom there is a chance it may fail.
That is a CHOICE that he is making and in choosing to do so he is responsible for any child created.

So yes they have to pay child support, if you don't want I suggest you use a condom (but be aware it can fail) have the snip, or just don't have sex.

5madthings · 12/04/2013 00:32

It is not bloody theft, she didn't force him to have sex.

HedleyLammarr · 12/04/2013 00:41

My wife left this page open on the mac. I can see I don't belong here. It's another world.

I'm just really shocked .... Actually horrified

5madthings · 12/04/2013 00:44

Really cos I know plenty of men who are perfectly aware they are responsible for their own fertility and if they don't want a child they use contraception.

5madthings · 12/04/2013 00:49

Its actually quite sad that someone would be shocked and horrified that a man has to support a child that HE has created. Sex can make babies...if it does the mother and father are equally responsible for that child. Either can choose to walk away and not be actively involved in bringing the child up, but they still have to pay child support.

Its really quite simple.

HedleyLammarr · 12/04/2013 00:52

I have 4 kids and I'm aware of contraception

There's only one winner here. No wonder this county is in the shit. Everyone is just so selfish. I want, I get, to hell with anyone else

Wife is back and is angry as hell with me now for posting my views

Not here to offend. Apologies if that's how I've come across

5madthings · 12/04/2013 00:55

What is selfish about wanting a father to provide for his child?

Not understanding why this means the country is in shit?!!

If I was your wife I would be pissed off as well, that I was with a man who has such a crap mysogonistic view of women.

Sparklyboots · 12/04/2013 00:55

Yes, it's another world here, where we view men and women as equally responsibile and culpable when it comes to fertility and being parents. Some of us actually object to the way that some men regard their responsibilities to their offspring as a lifestyle choice! Or the way they try to make women have abortions so they don't have to face the possible consequences of unprotected sex! I personally get extremely vexed when those self-same men respond with abuse and vitriol to the women that they think should have to bring up their own offspring alone and unsupported remind them that they had a role to play in the creation of that life, but there again I am a feminist so it's only natural that I tend towards such extreme views.

Sparklyboots · 12/04/2013 00:57

I want, I get, to hell with anyone else - perfect description of the attitude that the man in the OP displayed WRT sex.

5madthings · 12/04/2013 01:00

Yes sparkly it does rather describe the father of the op's baby.

fortyplus · 12/04/2013 01:02

The woman has the choice whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy - the man does not. There would be outrage if the man had any say in whether or not a child resulted from the prgnancy.

I can't see how that makes it fair that a man should have to pay child maintenance if the woman decides to keep the baby.

I do believe that men should take responsibility for contraception but women have the upper hand here.

ps I am one!

5madthings · 12/04/2013 01:06

Basic biology dictates that a woman chooses to have or not have a baby. A man has to make his choice at the point he has sex, use contraception it don't have sex.

Its fairly simple.

HedleyLammarr · 12/04/2013 01:17

Be careful fortyplus, you'll be branded a mysogonist like me for thinking the OP is acting selfish without a care in the world about the opinions of the father

The advice here is rather biased and not a healthy mix of male & female views

Like someone above said, "I'm a feminist with extreme opinions"

Surely the sensible compromise is OP has baby, already admitted she can afford it and judging by the tone of her posts will make it very difficult for him to have a fair relationship with the child