Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

[ArcaneAsylum]

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

Wondering, your post at 19.53 makes me think that you are unable to comprehend what I have written. I have given an explanation when I am not obliged to give any. I am not the mother of you. Nor do we know each other. My life will not affect yours. Yet you feel compelled to press me for information about my sex life and my choice of contraception. If you are happy to list every sexual encounter you have had and what type of contraception you used each time, then I am happy to reword my earlier posts in simpler language for you to understand.

I thank you for your comment that you believe I need to do some growing up. I should like to ask you to actually provide some advice that I can use (being unable to advance my state of growth any faster than how nature intends). For the record, commenting that I should have used contraception is not advice, it is nitpicking at my mistake. To advise is to suggest how one may act in the future. For example, Arcane I think you should make sure that you always use contraception in future sexual encounters, unless actively planning a child.

As this is all entirely irrelevant to my original post (I asked for advice about how to handle the confusing behaviour of the father), I would now also like to go off on a tangent and offer you some advice: go and get on with your life doing something purposeful rather than hassling me. Perhaps some voluntary work where you could put your social skills to good use?

wondering I was really ill after taking the MAP (many years ago so it may have changed) but I was vomiting and horrific mood swings and all sorts. It doesn't always suit. Why are you trying to make this the OP's fault?

The map isnt a big deal to you wondering thats your choice. Others dont agree with it for many reasons and it doesnt always prevent a oregnancy anyway.

I also took.it many years ago and it made me ill and messed up my menstrual cycle for a while, i wouldnt take it again.

Arcane - sounds to me like you'll be a great mum. You have the grit and wit needed. Congratulations on your baby!

And I'd agree, you go after the bugger for as much as you can in financial terms. One day your child may ask what their father did for them. Even if he doesn't have it in him to be a good father, a least your child will know that you gave him the opportunity to be accountable.

I know 2 people, one now adult one a teen, who have grown up not knowing their dads at all. For both of them to learn that despite their father's absence, he has regularly contributed financially throughout their childhood has helped them to come to terms with not having a 'hands-on' dad.

MAP makes you really ill and guess what...you can still get pregnant on it!

(I did)

Yes, she could've and this may not have happened but she didn't, that's her choice & she needed practical advice on how to manage the communication & contact issues between her & The Ex, not judgey comments about how it all came to be.

Slambang, that's a really good point, I hadn't thought of it that way. If the father does end up contributing, it will show some degree of support. This won't be a good substitution for being a loving involved father, but it will be something.

Oops, posted too soon!

I have given him the chance to be involved and haven't cut off ties with him. If he changes his mind, he knows how to contact me. The decision is now his as to how he wants to proceed. I am more concerned that he may get more involved at some point and then change his mind again than I am at being a single parent. I feel like it's more stable for a child to have no father than one who dips in and out of their life.

The MAP failed when I took it! I have taken it twice - first time it worked, second time it didn't. The effectiveness is actually quite low compared to other forms of contraception, which is why it is an emergency measure rather than something to rely on regularly...

Got to say - all women react differently. I had no problems with it either time. Besides, er, the pregnancy that resulted the second time

Arcane - well done you. It sounds like you're managing it brilliantly. It's a difficult choice to make, between an absent father and an occasionally-around-but-crap father. I am not sure which is better or worse out of the two, but if you follow your instinct I suspect you will find you have a preference.

God, all the judgy posters on here. How incredibly unhelpful. Big up to the 'my body my fecking choice' camp. He could've worn a condom or avoided sex if he didn't want to be giving the damn sperm away!

Morning after pill failed on me after a condom split. I even had an implanon put it within a week of that happening but was still pregnant 4 weeks later. These things happen. Blame not helpful whether it's contraceptive failure or drunken coercion or just a mad moment.

Arcane - yes that's how I felt for the first 6 months re:dipping in/out. It was all on his terms; he would be late, not turn up and/or be drunk when he did. Horrid. It was far easier for me (yes, me, not DD but she was only 6mo and had no idea who he was anyway) when he got into his new relationship and washed his hands of her. I still offered him to see her in a contact centre (as otherwise it he would only see her in my house which was intrusive and messy - guess who was expected to tidy up?) and the judge who confirmed he had to pay CSA asked his g.f to make him really think about it (ex was trying to convince the judge that him meeting DD when he was 18 was a more romantic idea ie less work/money involvement from him ) Everyone can support them in ways to see their kids, but some men just don't. It will take time to see which way he will go, and as I said I still fear the 'drop in' from him as he did before begging me not to proceed with CSA as he had liver failure and I was forcing him to drink (yep crock of shite too along with moving to Spain), so I would suggest re-locating for your own peace of mind and meeting in a mutual place if you have to meet up. The dad doesn't need any more power over you than you are willing to give. Knowing where you live if he hasn't decided to be a proper dad isn't constructive. I hope that is possible. Am currently counting down the months until we move!

I'm disgusted with some of the posters on this thread. My advice OP would be to leave this guy out of it. I wouldn't rush into contacting the CSA or asking for money. You cannot do this until the baby is here as you also cannot put his name on the birth certificate without him being present.

See how you feel when your lovely baby is born. If you can manage OK without money from him then give it more time and see what happens. You might find that it isn't worth the stress. CSA will assess him at 15% of his income, but that will be reduced if he has another child to support. What is his financial situation? Does he have a reasonable job, because if not or if he is in and out of work or self employed his can duck and dive out of paying a penny.

That is my practical advise. I was in what some posters on here would consider a definite terminations case. I was 14 years older than DD's father and he was very young. I so wanted the baby, went to work when she was only 3 months old, supported us both with the help of family. She is my only as I wanted to do a good job with just the one. I felt ever so guilty sometimes that her father didn't want to be involved. I didn't want money from him but reluctantly got a token, eventually, which I saved for her.

She is a lovely young lady now with a very bright future ahead of her.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, your child is lucky to be so wanted by you. It's not easy going it alone but the rewards are so worth it.

Arcane, you may not care about this, but some reasons for going for CSA includes the practical issues of support and planning for the future. There are other reasons, including that perhaps y making someone financially responsible they may learn to be more socially responsible, and others may also think more carefully about their actions if they can't get out of paying. The more that women refuse to just puts up with the crap and instead stand up for the rights of themselves and their children, the more that they will be respected.

I wouldn't believe him about Turkey, he's not Mr Reliable.

And I don't think you should have to accept any responsibility for getting pregnant as you did. It sounds like he has full responsibility, co-ercing you into sex after you had been drinking. I think he is 100% responsible for being a sex pest (aka rapist) and you are one of his victims. The fact that you are not rolling over, but can still stand up for yourself is brilliant, and I am loving your replies on here.

The trouble with getting money (that you don't really need) through the CSA is that it will be prolonging his involvement in your life. Who knows if he might not, on a whim, decide to be more involved with the baby. I don't think you can specify supervised contact on the basis of recreational drug use. How would you feel if that happened?

Wondering you aren't offering advice. You're being incredibly intrusive (to the point of rather disturbing prurience, to be blunt - are you often this fascinated by other people's sexual arrangements?) and staggeringly rude in your posts. The questions you're asking are none of anyone's damn business and totally irrelevant to the main points.

The trouble with getting money (that you don't really need) through the CSA is that it will be prolonging his involvement in your life. Who knows if he might not, on a whim, decide to be more involved with the baby. I don't think you can specify supervised contact on the basis of recreational drug use. How would you feel if that happened?

Legal aid is now abolished for family court cases unless domestic violence is at issue. Given a friend of mine has spent in excess of 40 thousand pounds just to see his own child, in the teeth of the mother's implacable hostility after a breakup, I can assure you that it isn't a process anyone would undertake unless a genuine abuser wanting to make an ex suffer/a devoted parent. The hoops my friend had to jump through (and it took six months to reach court, during which time there was no contact at all) included observed contact in a contact centre of two hours fortnightly. That was his allowed time with his own child. The reports came back that there was a close and loving bond, and he was "an exemplary parent". The CAFCASS officer sided firmly with him, as did the clinical psychologist. However they also agreed that the mother's mental state was such that overnight visits would not be possible until the child was five, and nor could midweek visits because the child needed to have separation mentally between parents who by then hated one another. There's a reason more than half of all fathers eventually lose contact with children after relationship breakdowns, and it isn't that all are feckless (though yes, miserably only too many men fit that bill, too). Bluntly the reality is that an implacably hostile primary carer can sabotage the relationship, most of the time, if determined enough to do so. In this instance, there wouldn't be a relationship to start with, and he'd have to pay his own way which, however unfair on decent dads, is fantastic for women whose exes use the courts to harass them.

So yes, if Arcane keeps the texts as evidence and provides a full statement of his behaviour and refuses contact on that basis it's highly unlikely this prick will go to the kinds of sustained, dedicated effort and expense necessary to see the child. If she alleges drug use, aggression and instability (his behaviour that night is not roseate and nor is his harassment of late) plus the age of the child and the lack of any existing relationship with that child, then he'd be seeing the child in a contact centre for quite some time - do you really imagine he'd bother?

Whereas the child will benefit, even if only psychologically, in knowing that money was provided for his or her upbringing. And given what is happening with student finance, if that money is place it could ease a lot of stress for the baby when that time comes.

Having said all that, Arcane is an intelligent and independent woman who is perfectly capable of making the best decision in her situation. Good luck Arcane, and congratulations on your lovely baby, too.

Some people basically get very frightened and angry about the idea of women having any kind of sexual autonomy. They shouldn't have sex just because they want to, it should be In A Loving Relationship (ie once they are under male ownership). They should be totally responsible for any pregnancy that occurs, even if that was down to the man raping them, yet they should also be prepared to terminate any pregnancy that occurs if the man tells them to do so, because they are only women and it's only what men want that matters.
OP you'll be fine. You and your baby will be fine. Set the CSA on this man because he should, morally, pay towards the upkeep of his child, but don't expect much from it, he may well vanish. However if he does vanish, have a cover story for your child along the lines of some people being not good at parenting and who run away.

Mumcentreplus, I could easily insult you based on your one post. I don't because it would be immature of me. Can I suggest that you think carefully before you post on other people's threads?

Applause SGB on this one.

I only gave the CSA the other parties name, when they came knocking on my door after a few years (period of unemployment of 3 months!!), this was in the old days of the evil CSA, which has since changed in all but name, because I knew the assessment would be small and I was hoping it would take the fear factor away from him being involved with his child. It worked to a point.

I agree to an extent SGB but that certainly was not the idea behind my post at all, I'm just curious as to why people have unprotected sex with people they seem to realize have no redeeming qualities, you're lucky to just have caught a baby.

Like I'm sure you'll be a good mum, that wasn't the point I was making. If this had been 'I had an exciting fling with a bloke and now I'm pregnant' I wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

I'm only saying what I see Arcaneso i can only comment upon the information provided, this is a public forum not everyone is going to pat you on the back for your decisions perhaps you should think before you post your personal business and not have the expectation you will always get positive answers or opinions.

I don't think you should have had an abortion at all and I think you and your baby will be fine you sound strong and more than able to care for your child, this man is the father of your child so he should pay accordingly it's that simple.

I also think you should have thought more deeply about who you choose to make a child with imo it's a fair comment..you wont like it though

There would be a lot less babies born if every one was planned and thought through, perhaps people should got permission from the vicar first before they have sex, you know like they do before they are allowed to marry in church .

Squeaky have my first

"I also think you should have thought more deeply about who you choose to make a child with imo it's a fair comment..you wont like it though"

It would be a fair comment if the OP had asked about who she should be having babies with. As she didn't do that it is simply sticking the knife in about something that can't be changed and is irrelevant to what is being discussed.

Was that to me, with the wrong name. If so thanks.

My post was tongue in cheek as accidents can happen to the best of people, whether it is contraception fail or various reasons. It doesn't make someone irresponsible either. I had an unplanned pregnancy and lots of sex in my younger days so 99.9% of the time I was responsible.