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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

311 replies

houseworkhater · 04/04/2013 15:40

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 15:42

He has replied saying he wants to leave.

I have told him to go asap.

I have told him he can have kids tomorrow, to sleep wherever he is going. He replied that he can't have them overnight-band.
I told him he can either:

1)take dd2 to party
2)pick her up and drop her off at his mums, which I think would be better.

He replied can't pick her up/take her to grans as working with band-again.

Kids out at minute I really want to tell them that their dad is leaving because he has come to the conclusion that actually he did really want them > I know i shouldn't say this but I really want to tell them this.

I am very close to actually telling him that actually I won't be having the kids tomorrow night and that he either takes them and cancels the gig or tells them that he puts the band above them> Am I being selfish? I actually don't know.

My dd1 also has a job and needs collecting Sat night, again I do this.

I have thought about all the things dh will have to do.

If she stays at his Sats he can't do the band and pick her up. I have just thought he might book her a taxi.

I know this may sound trivial. i feel like screaming and smashing his fucking face in.

OP posts:
Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 15:46

Sorry for garbled post.

Party is Sunday

Band playing tonight, tomorrow
and Sunday.

Should I tell his mum?

Kids (2 of them) sleeping Sunday.

Oh and got this text AFTER telling him I will come and see band Sunday so he obviously doesn't want me there.

I don''t think i can trucst myself.
When do I tell the kids?

Should I tell the kids?

Should I not say anything to them yet?

I feel like I am acting out of hurt and don't want to say/do things I may regrtet. not to him but to kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 15:48

I don't want to come over all hysterical but I can't have him here and I'm not going to make it easy for him.

He will have to choose between kids and band, I know he will.

OP posts:
Corygal · 05/04/2013 15:49

No. Don't tell the kids anything. But tell everyone else.

geologyrocks · 05/04/2013 15:51

let him then. tell him that he is taking the kids, let his mum know whats going on then olan an evening with your friends.

tell your kids first though, say that husband doesnt want to be married anymore. if yoy say anything horruble about him they could resent you, so thread carefully.

mrsfiddymont · 05/04/2013 15:53

So, he wants to leave. Have his shit in bags to collect from doorstep and do not let him in the house...he has left already. Inform him you are seeking legal advice and that the normal arrangement for seeing children is every other weekend and once during the week. You will be seeking advice from the CSA and will be getting a STD check up!

Corygal · 05/04/2013 15:54

Thing is, in order to have a decent relationship with the kids he will have to be involved a lot from the word go. So dont back down on him taking them non stop - but dont let slip any of the awful things he's said to them.

Be straight with his mum about this.

Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 15:55

Thanks Corygal.

I have a feeling my eldest dd may want to go with her dad. I won't stop her.

I think he has been buttering her up so to speak.

Whenever I ask her, firmly to move her stuff, or mention the fact that she is old enough to make her own sandwich or get her own drinks ready, he does tell me not to, put he never backs me up to say come on x move your stuff.

Perhaps that is why I am calling him on having them Saturday nights. I know he can't have her and do the band. Her hobby runs too late for him to pick her up.

I am thinking ahead but should i stand firm and refuse to collect her on his days?

It sounds so petty but why should I do it?

Am I being awful in forcing her to see who comes first, her or the band?

OP posts:
Corygal · 05/04/2013 15:58

No you aren't. Make sure you've booked something else that means you can't collect her - avoid awkwardness. How old is she? Taxi?

mrsfiddymont · 05/04/2013 15:59

supposing he had ow, he may try and move in with her..your eldest wouldn't go then.

Stick to the weekend arrangements that suit you, he has been making sure he is ok for long enough. He will have to put his family first now if he wants to maintain a relationship.

classifiedinformation · 05/04/2013 15:59

I think that trying to force the dc care onto him this weekend would actually not be very good for them as this idiot man obviously couldn't give a toss about their lives.

Whilst I know it will be hard to deal with, I think you should keep their normal routine going. However, I don't think you should just allow him to keep eating his bloody cake. Take this time to sort out what you need re paperwork etc and then stuff his clothes and other annoying crap in bin bags and leave it by the door.

You will need to explain it to the kids, but it would be a very bad idea to completely bad mouth him to them as it will cause them hurt and give him more reasons to think he is superior.

Text him back and tell him he has until the end of the weekend to find a new address. Then congratulate yourself on finally being rid of such a bastard!!!!

Really, really feel for you housework. Sad

Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 16:04

Maybe he shouldn't see them tommorrow.

I think he will feel as though he has done his duty so to speak for the weekend.

I can get round the fact he isn't here.
If he takes dds they may wonder what is going on and i don't want to hurt them.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 05/04/2013 16:04

He replied that he can't have them overnight-band.

No, that actually means can't have them overnight-OW

Don't think too far ahead about where the kids live. Today's task is to get him out of the house and tell the kids what's going on. It's my guess the older ones have already tumbled that he's been having an affair.

Corygal · 05/04/2013 16:04

Housework - my heart bleeds for you in this awful situation that is not of your making and couldn't be less your fault.

It strikes me with some force that he is trying to leave not just you but the family - that is not acceptable or good for anyone esp DCs. I think you should get the help you clearly require in the appalling task of getting him to take the DCs. Also, it will make him realise that leaving isn't the merry skip he'd envisaged.

larrygrylls · 05/04/2013 16:05

Housework,

I think people on this board encourage people to give up on long relationships too quickly. On the other hand, if you are going to stay married, it has to be on your terms, not his, which means that he goes for a meaningful period of time, right now. Then, if he changes his mind, he has to win you back, and no need to make it easy.

Tell the children the facts. No need to sugar coat them, but no need to exaggerate either. They deserve to know what is happening. Please don't use them as pawns. If your husband/STBXH wants to step up, that is up to him. But if he doesn't, you have to be there for your children. There is no point in giving him ultimatums about the children unless you can coerce him into doing what you want, which you can't, realistically.

So, tell all your friends and relations everything and see a good divorce lawyer. Get the divorce going ASAP. Even as a negotiating tool, being served papers has a remarkably sobering effect on someone wanting a second adolescence.

I have no sympathy for him. On the other hand, good people can behave badly (and he is behaving very badly) so chuck him out but leave the door a crack open, just in case he sobers up and comes back suitably apologetic and prepared to fully participate in your marriage and step up as a father. Frankly, I doubt it will happen and you will find yourself well rid of him.

Leavenheath · 05/04/2013 16:06

I can get round the fact he isn't here.

Don't lie to your children.

Leavenheath · 05/04/2013 16:07

What leave the door open so that when his miserable little affair is over, he can come back?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 16:09

That's just it Corygal- I won't allow him to cherry pick when he sees dcs.

It will break dcs heart if they cannot do their hobby, dd1 lives and breathes it.
So that is why i will insist, even if not straight away, that he either has them Fri night or Sat night.
Either way he will be trailing around after dcs and won't be able to go out or be in the band at those times.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 05/04/2013 16:09

Leavenheath,

Plenty of people stay together post affairs. It is up to the OP how she feels about that. In addition, you don't actually know for a fact that he has had an affair. He may simply want to sleep on floors and have no responsibilities....

SundaeGirl · 05/04/2013 16:11

Can you have the DCs this weekend? Or send them to his mums if they are used to that? Don't disorientate them if not necessary - they aren't there to be used.

I also agree that a lot of the advice on here might be geared to giving up on relationships too quickly. From what you've posted I think you can still get your marriage back (with pain) but you can only do that by shutting him out now. Do not let him see you hurt/cry. Stay strong! (Easier said than done though, I know).

Leavenheath · 05/04/2013 16:14

Yes people do stay together after affairs, but that only works if they admit they've had them and haven't left to try out the OW for size first while lying about the reason they've left. Any woman who took a man back after that would have no self-respect at all.

SundaeGirl · 05/04/2013 16:16

Please go carefully, OP. ^It will break dcs heart if they cannot do their hobby, dd1 lives and breathes it.
So that is why i will insist, even if not straight away, that he either has them Fri night or Sat night.
Either way he will be trailing around after dcs and won't be able to go out or be in the band at those times.^

This sounds as though you are tempted to used the DC to mess up his band. Zero will be achieved by this, except hurting your DC. I'm not suggesting that you will just have to accept whatever scenario he presents but this is early days. Family mediation can help in the future. Right now, just stick to what you've been doing and your DCs will be grateful for you being a rock.

QuintessentialShallots · 05/04/2013 16:19

You should get a formal contact agreement drawn up asap, and start formalizing the divorce. I think standard is ever second weekend and one night per week?

Corygal · 05/04/2013 16:21

Well one night of band and two/three of not band is reasonable. He's the one saying he can't see his DCs because he's in a band.

Leavenheath · 05/04/2013 16:23

I just don't understand all these snarks about people giving up on on relationships too quickly.

If one person's given up and has told the OP that's the score, she's got no choice but to give up too. The husband's made it quite clear it's over and he wants to leave. Telling the OP she doesn't have to give up is just prolonging her agony and is cruel IMO. It's much better that the OP cuts him off and gets on with her new life, instead of begging and worse still waiting for his mid-life crisis to be over.