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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

311 replies

houseworkhater · 04/04/2013 15:40

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Hopasholic · 05/04/2013 13:38

But if he wanted it to work he wouldn't be with the band. He'd be with his family. Make him wake up. You won't do this by taking all the crap he throws at you and trying to change yourself.
Wake him up by chucking him out. Let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable. If you want it to work then you need to make him see that you are NOT a doormat at his bloody beck and call. If he doesn't want it to work then that is his loss.
Have you been through his phone/emails etc? because I would have by now.

Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 13:42

Yes I have thought of going to watch the band (at least for some of the gig) Sundae. Think I will do that.

Pand- I'm not sure right now what will happen, but I feel I have to give it a go if i can.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 05/04/2013 13:44

I totally get why you want the marriage to work, and from what you've posted it still can. Even if he has been having an affair, there are plenty of people on these boards who have got their relationships back on track and not lost everything they've built up.

It sounds as though he's found band life intoxicating and freeing while home life represents obligations (which it does) and ordinariness. Right now, he's decided not to see the value in those obligations or normality, and it sounds as though he's deciding to express himself as a non-family guy.

There is very, very little you can do about this as he sounds well and truly off on it. However, you can protect yourself by keeping your dignity and shutting off his easy access to the nice bits of warm family life.

clam · 05/04/2013 13:45

You can't 'give it a go' on your own though.

Flisspaps · 05/04/2013 13:45

You cannot make a marriage work in your own.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be married any more. And that's not your fault, that's him being an arse. I bet his band mates have said sweet FA about picking up bread and milk. I bet they do a fair share of the housework.

No matter what you do, you cannot make him want to give up his OW remain married Sad

Pandemoniaa · 05/04/2013 13:47

I quite understand that you feel you have to give your marriage a go but what I'm saying is that this needs to be a two-way process. I see little evidence that he's prepared to play his part, tbh.

Original poster
houseworkhater · 05/04/2013 13:53

Right I have sent him a message asking him what he is going to do. It's difficult as I won't get a chance to speak to him face to face until tomorrow.

I can't carry on in this state of no mans land.

OP posts:
toomanyeasterbunnies · 05/04/2013 14:00

It really sounds like an affair. The first three lines of your OP made my heart race as it was exactly how things were for me. I said he couldn't be having an affair, he's too busy, he's not the type...but yes he was. He started acting an arse when the affair started. Pointing out all my failings, the lack of sex and attention - all to make him feel better about what he was doing.

I am sorry you are going through this but if you do some digging I really wouldn't be surprised if you found an OW on the scene.

pinkbraces · 05/04/2013 14:16

Please stop being the underdog, you dont have to be in no mans land, you dont have to wait for him to make a decision - you do it.
Show him that you are fully prepared to let him go - and do so.

You want to save your marriage - but unless he wants the same you cant. Please take some control and you will feel so much stronger.

Good luck

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/04/2013 14:19

House...come on.

He's told you what he wants. He's told you what he's going to do - he's leaving, because he doesn't want to be married. He regrets marrying you, he regrets starting a family, and the only way it's semi-bearable to him is if the house is like a hotel, the children are out of sight and out of mind, and you are ready for sex whenever he wants it.

You can't save this. It's not saveable. Of course that hurts now, but it'll hurt so, so much more if you beg and plead and try and make it work, because it won't. He has completely disengaged.

I wouldn't point out to him that he'll loose band time to the children, either, because you don't want him to stay for that reason. If he's not already having an affair, he's going to be very soon, and you don't need that hurt and humiliation.

He's made his bed. Pack him a suitcase and kick him out for a while. Then see how you feel after a few days to heal and strengthen up. You might find that the harsh, sudden reality of what he's giving up is enough to make him think again, or you might be a lot happier without him, but the longer you stay sleeping in the same bed, the worst it'll be. And the easier you'll make it for him.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2013 14:22

Fgs, Don't trail after him to watch him playing rock star in his band

It is very likely his love interest will be there and you will look pathetic

find your self respect, please

This man is checked out. You can't save this, all you can hang into is your dignity

AnyFucker · 05/04/2013 14:23

*onto

specialsubject · 05/04/2013 14:28

a man who wants more sex and a tidier house can hire a hooker and a cleaner.

a man who wants to save his marriage would be trying harder.

sorry - it looks like game over. Start working on your exit strategy. And if you leave, make sure you tuck those prawns in the curtain poles. :-)

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2013 14:31

Agree totally with what CajaDeLaMemoria has said.
Pack him a bag as soon as you can the tell him to leave.
You need some space and time to process all this.
Take control - you can do this!!!!

tak1ngchances · 05/04/2013 14:33

If I can add my little bit of advice - don't be afraid to go to your GP and get some medication to help you get through this if you need...something to help you sleep, or generally take the edge off things. It's a huge shock to your system.

ivykaty44 · 05/04/2013 14:38

a marriage is between two people and it needs two people to make it work - It can't work when only one person is in the marriage wanting it to work and the other behaves like a cuckoo in the nest.

Sorry but the others are correct - he is having an affair

Rather than be in no mans land why don't you take yourself away for a few days to stay with a friend and leave your family to fend for themselves - they will be fine.

Give yourself some time to think really hard about what life you want (its no good talking and one person lies which is what he is doing when you do talk)

Do you want a life as a skivy or do you want a life for you that includes the children

ClaireDeTamble · 05/04/2013 14:41

Don't let him make this choice.

He has told you what he wants - call him on it. Pack his bag and leave it on the doorstep for him to collect it.

If you still want to make it work that is up to you - it won't happen while he is having his cake and eating it. After he has been lived on his own, been responsible for his own cooking, cleaning, washing and time with the kids, maybe, just maybe, he will realise that he has given up a good thing and will agree to change / counselling or whatever you feel he needs to do to help repair the marriage.

If he doesn't, and it is what he really wants, then you are better off with him out of the house so you can start to rebuild you life without him. Don't let him stay, dangling you on the string of possibility of working it out - it is no way to live.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/04/2013 14:45

Bloody hell you are giving him ALL the power and control here.

Where is your self-respect OP?

Do not trail along to watch the band, his friends will be laughing at you.

fuzzpig · 05/04/2013 14:46

Agree with anyfucker, please don't go to the gig. Don't bother with him at all. Well apart from sticking his stuff in bin bags perhaps, ready for him to cart off somewhere else - and that's only so you can shove him out the door ASAP rather than waiting for him to pack himself! Don't bother telling him how much harder he'll find it on his own (true though it is) - why warn him? Fuck it, he wants to leave, let him!

IF there is an OW, I wonder if last year when he was threatening to leave he actually had her in mind but then it fizzled out so he ended up staying. However IMO it doesn't really matter if there is/was someone else or not, he has totally checked out of family life and has treated you horribly, you deserve better. You will be miles better off without him.

abbyfromoz · 05/04/2013 14:54

You don't sound happy at all... And yet you want to make it work?

Hopasholic · 05/04/2013 14:58

The only reason to go to the gig is to catch him unawares.

I know it must sound like we're all having a go at you but we're not. Please take note of what others are saying OP

If he cared about you, you would not be having to have a discussion about a 20 year relationship via a bloody text message.

Get some space.

ladyjadie · 05/04/2013 15:09

I have sent him a message asking him what he is going to do.

Gahh! Next time (if there is one) please make sure you are telling him what to do, not asking him what he wants! You're only making yourself look weaker and more pathetic to him! That will only make you seem more annoying to him. Making unmarried life all the more appealing.

You want him to sit up and take notice? Then take charge!!

If he told you that was your only hope you would do it. But he's a shit and we want you to be happy. He only wants himself to be happy. Please take the advice here. Flowers

SundaeGirl · 05/04/2013 15:17

'Do not trail along to watch the band, his friends will be laughing at you' Hmm I don't think anyone will laugh at someone's wife going to his gig. She is his wife of 20yrs - it's really not trailing.

That said, they might feel sorry for you, OP, which isn't great either. When I was suggesting going to the gig it was really because I thought you didn't sound ready to kick him out for a bit. Having him leave is the optimum IMO, but if you can't face that and need to do something 'with' him then maybe don't make it shopping for the DCs clothes. However, it sounds too far gone to be remedied (at this stage) with any sort of family/coupley outing.

Xales · 05/04/2013 15:22

Gob smacked that someone can tell their wife of 20 years that they don't want to be married any more and then go and sleep like a baby in the marital bed.

Knock that on the head from tonight.

He wants out of the marriage fuck off the to couch/spare room.

QuintessentialShallots · 05/04/2013 15:36

Dont suffocate him!

He wants out? Let him go! TELL HIM TO GO!

If he is ever going to come back, it is not because his wife is pleading, nagging, and begging acting pathetic, it is because she stands firm and calls his bluff.

Tell him to go, let him handle his dirty socks, his meals, and juggle his children and the band. Let him taste what single life is for a middle aged man in a band. (pah!)

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