Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

[houseworkhater]

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

He drops that bomb and then goes to sleep?! Wtaf.

I'd be informing him that if he no longer wants to be married then pack a bag and fuck off. You do not need this emotional bullying bullshit.

20 years is a long time to be with anyone. Looking back, have you had a happy marriage? I'm not saying forgive and forget but marriage needs to be worked at and I don't think I would do anything hasty.

I think talking the situation through with good friends that knows you both is excellent advice.

Feel confident in yourself, know that the situation could be turned round if you both want to, if you have generally enjoyed the last 20 years can you get that magic and love back - do you even want to try?

My very small tip is go to the hairdressers and get a new modern look that makes you feel good, treat yourself to a new outfit - do this not for him but for you. Feeling confident about yourself and taking control is very powerful.

My final thought for the night house. If he has gone up to bed, alone, has he managed to drop off to sleep? Or at least start winding down for the night? If he has, after everything he has said tonight, then he has no compassion for you whatsoever.

You and I are complete strangers. Yet I can't get to sleep just yet as I am so outraged on your behalf. And yet your husband of 20 years drops the mother of all bombshells and them slopes off to bed. That says all you need to know. Goodnight house, try to get some rest and keep posting tomorrow. There will be lots of support for you.

The reason why he is sleeping like a baby is cos he checked out mentally and emotionally ages ago - unlike OP who is now trying to get to grips with this terrible bombshell, wondering what the hell has happened

Op - please do not degrade yourself by offering sex or trying to be the perfect wife.

house - I am sorry, but my XH started his little "Im unhappy, I don't feel the same, I don't want to be here any more" chat with the same lines... the house is a disgrace, I want more sex (I thought 2-3 times a week was pretty good, but apparantly not!). He was always tired and always asleep, yet it was my fault that we werent shagging every night of the week.

Like the others have said, it does sound like "the script". I told XH that if he didnt want family life, he shouldnt have stayed with me for 10 years and had a child.....

On the night of the second time that XH left, I got upset as I was insecure, he started off saying he was confused, then said he was leaving again. Then as it was around 2am by then, he just fell asleep. (we had been on the point of having sex just prior to this). He fell asleep. While I went in the other room and cried solidly for 3 hours.

If he can drop a bombshell like that and then just go to sleep, I am sorry, but it does not appear that there is much care or concern left for you and your feelings :(

Stay strong, ask him to leave while you decide what you want.

He was having an affair last year when he said he wanted to leave, that much is obvious. I'd say it never ended or it's a different one now, probably linked to this band in some way. Have you had the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech? If ever there was a telltale sign of an affair, it's that.

While he's still there, check his phone although I'm sure he's sleeping with it.

Don't beg him to stay. Really, just don't. Just ask him to leave without dragging this out. I'd be inclined to tell him you know he's having an affair though (and who it's with), but keep schtum about how you know that. Might as well put the frighteners up the little fucker before he goes.

Hope you're OK this morning OP. Don't let him stick around to insult you with more of this rubbish. Make him leave and let him take his pathetic criticisms with him. (Shouldn't have to pick up a pint of milk?...) People grow apart, they have affairs & whatever, and if he had anything about him he would have the decency to be honest about why he's leaving rather than saying 'marriage was a mistake' and trashing the last 20 years of your life.

Get him to explain to the kids why he's going as well. They'll see through him.

Good luck

Thinking of you. Agree there must be another woman or prospect of one. Also agree he has checked out of the marriage and this is one of the things I found most hurtful when it happened to me 5 weeks ago. You still care, he really doesn't, he's moved on and it will take you a while to catch up.
There seem to be SO many men doing this to fabulous womena and their families at the moment. It is so sad but there is nothing you can do to change him. All you can do is change your own life for the better so you and your kids have a happier life from here on.
I really hope get some perspective from your friends and some lovely hugs etc. Stay strong!

Of course his friends don't think he should pick up milk! Because. MLC men only surround themselves with single laddish mates who reflect their views. He is a teenager in a mans body, and with girlfriend to match I bet.

I'm sure you do tell off the kids. Parents do; so no surprise he doesn't. Because he identifies with them on their level.

Ugh what a despicable excuse for a man.

Glad he's at work today - pack his bags while he's out. Have them waiting by the front door when he gets home. He wants out, he can fuck off.

So sorry op. family life is not for him? Well he's already had a family and he will find it much harder without you. He will have to have the children to stay and give you money to support them. They will make a mess at his place too, when he gets one, and it will be him clearing up, not you. So all the stuff he finds difficult will be more so because he won't have your support in the background. And he will have to explain himself to his children.

This stinks.

May I just add that if there is any chance at all that your husband of 20 years (for whom you presumably still care) will see the light and realise what an idiot he's being, chucking him out so he sees what he has lost is the only way that might work. Being Superwife didn't do anything at all, did it? It just relegates you even further into the domestic appliance category. What you have to prove yourself to be is an independent, strong human being who will not be walked over. None of this setting you up to fail (wanting a tidier house while being a messy bugger himself, wanting you to discipline the children quietly without backing you up, wanting more sex whilst being either out or asleep) and then whining about it. He can ship out and see how he likes them apples. I dare say Band Girl (assuming she exists - I bet she does) can accommodate him on the sex front, but as for the tidying, well she's young, free and single isn't she, why should she want to wash his pants?

There is no guarantee this will bring the idiot back into line, of course. There is also no guarantee that if he does realise what he threw away and comes grovelling back, that you'll even want to take him back by then... But the one thing that is guaranteed is that if you think being really really nice and giving him sex will make him stay, you are sadly deluded and you will despise yourself for it later, even though none of this is your fault.

Oh god what an absolute twunt. Get angry & get him out.

He has no respect for you whatsoever & I'm quite sure he's not telling you the truth. Really sorry you're going through this. Do some digging and don't let him walk all over you.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck through today.

Hope you are with a friend this morning, OP, and getting lots of RL support.

I second everything Annie said. If you want your DH to appreciate everything he's got in you/your home/20yrs of back story together then he'll need cold water poured over his fantasies about what life will be like outside the family home. Unfortunately, there's no way you'll be able to explain it to him as he's not wise enough to see it. Send him packing for a bit and don't indulge him with 'what can I do to make things better?'-type chats.

Hi,

I have been to a friends who knows us both well.

She cannot believe that anyone would think me awful to ask dh to collect milk.

She also thinks he is having his cake and eating it with all this band stuff.
She has told me to make him take the kids overnight at least once a week if he goes.

We/me do a hell of a lot of running around for the kids. I don't think he realises that if he moves out he will be forced to make a choice between the band and the kids.

DD1 is out late Friday and Saturday with her hobby. I am the one who brings her home. If he had the kids Friday or Sat he couldn't do this unless he packed the band in. there is no alternative.

i don't know whether to spell this all out to him or wait to see if he leaves and then drop the bombshell that I will not accomodate him if he goes.

He starts work early mon-fri so cannot have the dcs to sleep midweek.

I think deep down i want the marriage to work, I imagined staying together forever. I didn't go into marriage or have 3 children lightly.

I have told him that I want to be put first, the kids and myself. not his bloody band or anyone else.

He doesn't seem to see a link between lack of sex with how I feel in the pecking order.

He has cited a couple we know saying how happy they look together. I have pointed out that ok but they spend Sat/Sun together, not apart.

I feel angry and have told him that I feel like I have been used as a cleaner/maid/nanny whilst he has pissed about.

My friend tol dme to stop washing his stuff and not to move any mess the kids have made.

She also said she cooks once a week only. Her dd2, same age as my eldest does all her day time meals and most evening ones.

Feeling pressure from everywhere, kids, dh and life itself.

So angry that he wanted to be a family man 20 years ago and now that I have put my energy into it he feels it may not be for him.

He is working with his beloved band tonight so I won't see him today. In fact he is working with the band Fri/Sat/Sun but I always have a go apparently, even though I don't stop him doing anything he feels "pressure".

His mother has asked for dds to sleep might ask her to take them.
Was going to suggest me, dh and ds go shopping together tomorrow as ds needs some clothes.

Feel like screaming.

His mum and dad will be devestated, not that that matters.
He said lots of people have said not to stay for the kids, they will survive, then went on to point out all the people we know who have separated, as if I need a list.

I don't know what to do, he won't be her to talk.

I feel so angry that someone could do this. Why did I marry him, why did I have 3 children, why am I stuck her.

i don't know whether to tell dd1 what he has said.

I think he accomodates her to get her on his side, so I will look like the baddy.

Tells me I shout at them, thinks I should cook all the meals for everyone.

Why are you still writing as though this relationship can be saved by any input from you?

It can't. He wants out. He's having an affair.

Because I still want to make it work if it can.

Glad to hear you've been getting some RL support. And your friend is right, he's having his cake and eating it.

I'm not sure suggesting shopping together tomorrow is a good idea. To most people, that we be a family activity but I think your DH has checked out and will see it as drudgery. Sorry, but I think he's in domestic=bad mode.

Could you suggest you go and watch him jam with his band at the weekend? Even as I type that I think he doesn't deserve that kind of support from you, but it might be a good idea to show up so that any potential OW know you aren't too far away.

I think deep down i want the marriage to work, I imagined staying together forever. I didn't go into marriage or have 3 children lightly.

I can quite understand this. However, it sounds as if your husband checked out of your marriage some time ago. I also suspect another woman but even, in the unlikely event, of this being a fact, he shows no sign of interest in making your marriage work.

You may want the marriage to work and you might even persuade him to give it a go. But do you really want to spend your life waiting for the next time he decides to check out? Because that, I fear, is exactly what is going to happen.

I think you can still make it work - but you will not be able to I still him with the joys of family life if he's high and happy on the joys of freed-from-family-gigging-on-the-open-road-type mentality. He needs to see that the life with you is REAL and the one he's hankering after is an illusion. The big problem here is that, unfortunately, he's not going to listen to what you say (because, well, you would say that wouldn't you) so life is going to have to show him the hard way.

Scary as it is, There's a lot to be said for sending him packing for a few days. No drama, no chats. Dream scenario: you text 'I've taken your things to your mother's. You can stay there while you work out if family life is for you.'

I read the first few lines of your first post:

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti.

And thought AFFAIR.

My friend had this. She ran herself into the ground trying to be perfect while he sat and sneered telling her she was fat and ugly and needed to "sort herself out" or he would leave. She kept trying. And trying. And weeping. And beating herself up.

Of course there was another woman all along.

Eventually she found out and they broke up. At last now she can now see him for what he is, and wonders why she exhausted herself and put herself and her children's needs last while attempting to pointlessly placate a complete and utter turd.

You still want it to work even though he's been lying to you at least a year and is playing around?

Have some self-respect.

He doesn't respect you does he? And he'll respect you less if you ignore what's going on and beg him to stay. It didn't work last time and it won't work now. He's probably got less respect for you now than he did the first time he threatened to leave. He knows you'll put up with any old shit just to keep him, but even after being able to do all that to you he still wants out. Let him go and act a bit smarter here.

(That should be 'instil' not I still)