Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

[houseworkhater]

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

Agree with Dixie!

he only wants to reconcile to protect the OW. Noone can be so awful and have such a dramatic change of heart so quickly.
Perhaps his damaged relationship with his DC's may be bothering him but bottom line nothing has changed. He will still prioritise his band and friends over you.
I predict, if you reconcile, a further split a few months down the line when he has covered his tracks better and the OW has got rid of her OH

All the best for whatever direction your life takes.

I don't think OP has any intention of reconciling

I think she has him bang to rights and has discovered, through her superior detective skills, exactly when this bloke checked out of his marriage

MN has been a great help, so far, for her

If I am wrong then MN cannot help, I am afraid, because if you would reconcile with a bloke like this, there is no help for you whatsoever, I am afraid

HWH ....why are you leaving the thread?

Please stay and let us know how you get on with things.

Take care.

Agree with AnyFucker

Good luck.
We are here whenever you need an ear

Dear House,

Just wanted to wish you well. Many of us will be thinking of you and wondering how life turned out. I have no doubt that I would have enjoyed your company. Enjoy your new hairstyle, your new shoes your children but most of all enjoy life.

Until we meet again on some other thread.

Does he want to reconcile mean he is going to participate in family life more and reduce the band practice shit? Or cut out his new friend? Nah don't think so.

It means he will consider your option to try and be a stepford wife while he carries on doing what he wants.

Nice for him. Thanks but no thanks.

also meant to say, why are you leaving the thread :(

we will all still be here if you need a chat again

Asking for a reconciliation so soon after dropping the bombshell means that he is trying to play for time until he can figure out what his next move will be. If he can string you along with hopes that he wants to get back with you, perhaps he can get another three to four months of accommodation where I am sure he is assuming he has a woman who will be pulling out all stops (sex, cleaning, cooking etc) in the effort to keep him. You are worth so much more than that.

Asking for a reconciliation so soon after dropping the bombshell means that he is trying to play for time until he can figure out what his next move will be. If he can string you along with hopes that he wants to get back with you, perhaps he can get another three to four months of accommodation where I am sure he is assuming he has a woman who will be pulling out all stops (sex, cleaning, cooking etc) in the effort to keep him. You are worth so much more than that.

Bang on.

I hope you are getting the real life support you need, keep that anger and use it to push through what's best for you and your DCs, he's not put you first for months so there's no need for you to.

The 'reconciliation' could well be because he saw it as a choice between you and her, and she, while having had fun, isn't about to take him on, so now he wants you back. The fact that he could easily end up with neither and actually it's not his choice now, probably hasn't registered. But it will. And then the pity party will really start. Dont fall for it and try to shield your DCs from it as much as possible.

Glad to see you have a bit more clarity now House, and we are here if you need a listening ear.

Sorry to say I agree with Mimi about the kind of reconciliation he has mind -and would add that he's probably also planning to use the promise if reconciliation to keep you quiet as far as OW's partner is concerned. Take care House.

Hi,
Didn't intend to post again as I assumed there was nothing more to add.

I am still distraught, feelings swaying wildly. Today I feel very ugly and unloved.

He has started texting begging forgiveness, asking for reconcilliation. saying he will pack the band in, do whatever I want, put me first. It is all his fault now apparently.

I think the ow has gone cold, that is my gut feeling. I think the shock of me ringing her and spelling out to her what she has done and how it isn't just a bit of fun anymore, plus what it could do if her oh finds out, have given her a cold hard slap in the face.

Think she is still married but "serarated" so my h is a bit more undesirable now.

He still denies having sex with this woman but has admitted to sex texting. Says he has got it wrong and should have listened to me.

Been to have a chat with a solicitor today. No plans yet and things still quite muddy.

She did howl with laughter when I mentioned h's plans on how childcare would work. Ie on a weekend he will do something with them in the morning and I will run around after them on an evening, leaving him free to conduct his affairs on a weekend night.

She did mention relate and so has h.

To be honest I don't know if anything could save the marriage as I don't really think I will spend the rest of my days with him.

Still hard for dcs.
He has asked if they want to go out with him this week, ds and dd2 up for it, dd1 says no.
Solicitor suggested dd1 go somewhere with him even if she just screams her hatred for him and nothing else.

It dawned on me at the solicitors that I actually don't know where he is staying, I don't care.

Solicitor made me realise that financially I could manage so that is good.

I don't have to actually do anything, oh and from the brief description I gave her, I would definately be able to divorce him.

So there it is.
I have told him I don't want to talk, not until I feel better. The door is not open.

The only other text I have sent was to say when is he picking the dcs up. I am swaying between telling him to come and get them and just leaving it.

He has text both dd1 and ds telling them that I haven't answered any of his texts and is everything ok.

I think tonight we will all watch a dvd and I might have a glass of wine, going away later this week with dcs and we will have a great time.

You sound just about as good as it is possible to be at this stage, love

Good on you for seeing him for what he really is...you have taken a shitload of grief over the last few days after initially making excuses for him and being unable to accept he could do something so shitty

You are waaaaay ahead of him, dude and much too good for this inadequate piece of shit..

Blimey that didn't take long, did it

Well done you for staying strong.

The ball's well and truly in your court now. I think you should try to keep it there as long as possible, not rush into anything until you are 100% sure you know what you want.

(I have a cynical feeling that if you welcomed him back with open arms today he would be back to his old ways within a week.)

Glad you have come back.

I know how hard it is and it will take you months to process your feelings and thoughts about his betrayal. Don't make any long term decisions and just focus on taking one day at a time.

Now that hard cold reality has burst his fantasy lust fuelled affair bubble, he is beginning to realise what he has to lose and is now coming back with his tail between his legs begging for forgiveness

You may find reading shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful as it has helped so many others on here.

He has proven that he is sneaky , untrustworthy, uncaring of your feelings and and a first rate twat.

Do you want to live with someone like that?

You are way too good for him and he is just waking up to the fact that he may be alone.

Don't fall for his froth and sad face act.

I'll share that glass of wine with you. After yoga tho xx
Well done x see how quick he turned about.
Did you book a haircut or anything like that?

So in 4 days he has gone from not loving you and wanting freedom and will leave in 3 months,to there being another woman, to please don't name an innocent in our divorce, to I have made a mistake.

Colour me cynical but I don't think he expected you to cotton on and be so decisive so is having to scramble to get you back in line for somewhere to live.

yep, to me it sounds like suddenly all his fantasies and plans have had a big bucket of cold water ie reality. The OW has a small baby, she's not going to throw away her lifestyle for him, she's obviously say "jog on love" - he's realised he's not able to control the situation with you, and is really going to lose you, the DCs and it all.

Do what's best for you, don't give what he wants any head space. This is about what's best for you and your DCs.

This thread is an absolute example of how to regain the upper hand in one fell swoop.

So many times, we see poor women who have been dealt similarly devastating blows hanging on, too frightened to make the fucker leave, trying to turn into the perfect wife and sexbomb in the mistaken idea that he will somehow regain all the respect he once had for them

the only thing that motivates these men is loss

it's become an MN cliche now, but it is true

AF is right re loss being the motivator for cheaters - because you have been strong and dignified, he is already coming back to you begging for forgiveness.

Take your time though in making decisions about your future and remember that you are in control.

Well done OP you are doing so well. All the emotional weirdness you feel it normal. I would try to ask him not to be texting Dcs to get answers from you. Your relationship with him is nothing to do with them, it is all distressing for them without feeling l like they are stuck in the middle.

well done for coming back.

Like Mad says, dont rush into any long term decisions. You need to be sure what YOU want now. He has blown everything apart, and he has to wait on you now. Just take some time to yourself for now. It may help to go to relate even if the marriage is over, just to talk things through finally. My Xh refused to go, but it would have helped me to answer some questions.

Have a good few days away.