Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

[houseworkhater]

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?

Thanks.

Terribly sorry to hear what happened. I wasn't sure everyone was right earlier, especially about the OW, but now it has played out exactly that way.

At least you know it wasn't ever you. Did the texts make it obvious?

Oh no :(

I really thought everyone was jumping to conclusions about the possibility of an OW, I'm sorry it has turned out to be true. Although at least it gives you concrete evidence, there's no denying his affair.

Certainly explains the 3 month thing... long enough for her to tell her own H (if there is one) and her DCs

Really glad you got him to leave.

I thought the 3 months was about saving for a deposit and first months rent.

I wonder what today will bring? Is he going to want to come and talk?

I couldn't read all the texts.
I planned to read them when I came back but he came and got his phone, he obviously realised he had left it. I did wonder if he had left it on purpose but he can't have done or he wouldn't be so defensive.

The texts didn't say they had had sex or done anything. They did talk about her coming to the gig and she sounded all childish, not like a grown woman with children.
My dd1 clearly saw a text where he had stated "I have told the kids, I will be staying at X's (band members) tonight." So she knew he was married.

They talked about her breasts, and how hard they are because she needed to feed her child!!! She talked about getting a babysitter so she could see the band.
There was a future date and place mentioned where one of them, can't remember who, had asked the other to see a band that I had never heard of and the other had agreed to go.

I cannot remember when this took place, dd1 said I was reading the texts in the wrong chronological order, hence why I needed her to help me.

We had to leave and dd1 begged me to stop looking, the one about telling the kids upset her so much.
Dd1 said she would be able to forward all the messages to a save place for me to look at later, but when I got back he had collected his phone.

To be fair there was nothing that I saw that implicated actual adultery, my friend, whose exdh committed adultery thinks he hasn't actually do it yet. But she thinks that it will/may have led to that if I hadn't caught them both and called them both on it.

Luckily I made a note of this woman's name and number. he had rung her yesterday.

The also spoke about betting on the Grand National.

He categorically denied meeting her yesterday, even though I tried hard to bluff him.

She hung up after saying she vaguely knew him, then I said oh I have my dhs phone, yopu know him more than any vaguely don't you.

From our research I don't think she is married. Believe me, spiteful as it is, last night if she had have been I would have found his number and told her husband everything.

I have also told him (friend advised) that I have copied every single text to a secure sight and that I know everything. All not true.

I don't think he has had sex because he really believes I have copied the texts but he has chosen the green grass on the other side now.
Especially since the last things I said to him before I found the texts were that I would come to see the gig and we could spend today together, have a drink at the party or do whatever else he wanted.

I gave him the chance and he refused it.

What a shit.

Do you think you will tell her husband?

If he does, house, you know what to do - "we will talk through our solicitors". Be a broken record about it, don't get drawn in to his self-regarding drama. You need to prioritise yourself and the DCs now.

Stick to minimal communication necessary to sort out their lifts etc, though TBH you may just find he fucks off for a bit and you need to do everything for them for a while. Well, good luck to him. He wants freedom, he's got it, and all the work that goes with it. I wonder how intolerable and awful he will find it that he now has to pick up his own chuffing milk from the shop.

And try to do something nice for just you and the DCs today, you've all had such a rough time. Wishing you all luck and strength.

oh x post

Yes and how is he going to get on living at someone else's place with their kids and mess and routines? Saturday night crashing is one thing, Sunday night / Monday morning is a completely different thing. Not that that makes a difference to you.

I am gutted for you. Fuck him though.

It seems "freedom" to him is a young single mum with 3 very young kids, breastfeeding and nappies. What a twat.

He has said he did not want a family after all. Seems he wanted her family.
Ask him where is the sense in that?!

What an utter utter poop.

Poor you, what a horrific time you're having. I second letting him go for a bit. Life will be more predictable if you don't have to rely on him for a couple of weeks. After that, he'll need to take more responsibility.

Don't tell her DH, you'll just get drawn into drama. Right now you've not hurt anybody, tell him and you have.

So sorry to read this, what an absolute twunt! Can you do some digging on is computer? it may be painful but could give you more evidence, does he have a fb account etc, use your anger and get a solicitor.

"Right now you've not hurt anybody, tell him and you have."

I totally disagree. She would not hurt anybody by telling a potential partner. The hurt would be caused by the OW and her husband, who have been playing away. OP would merely be the messenger telling OWs partner that she has been romancing another womans husband.

Your H couldn't be bothered to get lunch for your DDs?

Bell end.

Never be involved in someone else's pain if you don't have to be - and the OP doesn't have to be involved. It's really not her call.

I recently heard a story about a DH who found out his wife was having an affair from a pissed off phone call from the other wife. He was by the bedside of his dying brother.

Don't do it, OP, you just can't know what's happening in the DH's world.

I think House said she can't find that the woman is married so it's irrelevant.

I am going out with dd1.
Dh has texted dd1 to ask if he can come, she has said no. He has asked her to reconsider his mother's feelings and go and stay at her grandmaas, she is really upset. i have cried over this. yet again another person's feelings come before mine. I am devastated and he thinks it ok for both dds to leave me for 2 nights.

Terrible behaviour!!!! Divide the family to make himself feel better.?? Get out of the home my dear, it will do you all good xx o glad it's sunny as well. X

I hope you have a nice time with DD1 :) What a knob asking if he could come!

It's a shame you couldn't read all of the texts, but please don't assume they haven't had sex as it will make you much more likely to consider forgiving him (you are already making excuses for him) - also, don't be too surprised if her baby ends up being his :( Utter twonk saying 'he doesn't think he really wanted a family' then getting involved with a woman with small kids - has he NO brain at all?

My crystal ball says that in 12 months you are going to wonder why you put up with this asswipe for so long but for now, just hang in there, knowing it does eventually hurt less x

As an aside...why didn't your DD2 make herself a sandwich or something - she's 10, quite old enough not to end up starving because an adult hasn't made her lunch?!

He's not doing himself any favours now with the dcs. Stupid man. Try and have a lovely time out with your dd.

Yes you go out and enjoy as much as possible today. DC know who is being silly here but it won't be easy for them. The more fun and inspiring things you can do together the quicker the bad times will go for all of you. Try to be spontaneous and enjoy your freedom!

Have I got this right?? He is asking his devastated daughter to run round doing emotional work for family members HE has upset by ending the marriage? This just gets lower and lower.

House - huge hugs and more okay? I know you will be felling all over the place now but PLEASE try your best to:

Hang on to the rage and use it to strengthen you.

DON'T ever forget how you felt when you saw the confirmation of OW (Honestly I would spill it out in pages of writing it as both carthartic but - way more importantly - if he now tries to make you wobble, you can re-read it to remind yourself of REALITY)

This 'man' TOLD your DS you were splitting up - with obv NO thought for DS or DDs - when DS was alone; you two hadn't in any way agreed a 'comms plan' for DCs to minimise impact on them? Ditto left HIS 10 yr old child hungry? Please, don't forget those and ALL the rest of it, as you don't need me to tell you what an UTTER c*nt (sorry, really is ONLY word can think of) he is underneath the person you THOUGHT you were married to.

PLEASE contact CAB; Lawyer; W'Aid TOMM - ask your (fab sounding) friend if she can help with DCs or leave them at your or 'D'H's Ma's house whilst you do that lot.

Accept offer to change locks, as suspect he WILL try crawl back - and whilst you're (very validly) in that 'all over the place' bit, you may well fall for it if he gets you at a vulnerable moment.

And please, please, PLEASE try and look after yourself (the basics - eating properly/sleeping etc, as well as the go treat yourself.

He has lied and lied and lied and lied so however tempting it may be to believe him if he says something part of you still wants to hear, you KNOW it is/will be just pure BS.

As best you can, literally 'name the day/date' your marriage ended so you don't FORGET it HAS ended. Will help you out of that hellish no-mans's quicker than if you don't have it as a FACT in your head that this is OVER.

And lastly, please (seriously please) & no matter how vile it feels, or how much you may 'think you don't need to, PLEASE go to an STI clinic ASAP.

Wishing you and your DC's a better future - I know it may not feel like it right now, but you really have just been freed from something horrendous. And you WILL be happy one day when past the shock/rage/sadness/mourning for a marriage you thought was forever. I promise you that is a fact. Hugs xxxx

PS Sorry long but I do know that YOU need to know all of the above in order to survive right now and then to move forward (just as I can see many others also do KNOW that here, so you are NOT alone ok?)

Of course they've had sex! Men don't leave their wives and tell the OW that they've 'told the kids' just for sexy banter, or what ever nonsense name he attributed to his cheating. I'm sure he hasn't known her for 15 years, but he's certainly known her for at least a year because it's now even more obvious he was cheating when he threatened to leave a year ago.

What a horrible thing for a daughter to read about her father. I know you were stressed and not very techie with phones, but I'm really uncomfortable with that bit. Telling the OW you had sex with someone who's been treating you like shit and has had a long line of OWs makes you look a bit of a mug too.

Just get rid. Now you know how much he's been lying to you and how much this has hurt your DD, focus on you and your children now. DD is going to need a lot of help.

house I urge you to listen to the posters who are advising you to keep out of the drama. Think only of yourself and your DC's, cut him out of the picture for now. If you involve yourself with where he is, what he's doing, who said what to who and try and and 'talk' sense into him, then the only person who will be stressed and hurt is you.

From what you have said, ,my guess is he will expect you to 'give him a hard time' by phoning, texting etc.. I would do none of those things, get on with sorting out finances, solicitors, advice etc..

Your silence will put the wind up him far more that shouting will do. Tell him F all!

I'm really sorry for you. It just doesn't make sense ... if he wanted a carefree life and didn't think he was cut out for family life, why on earth would he be chasing a single mum with three kids? What will he do when she asks if he could pick up some milk and bread for her?